Going to take the leap into sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Brit in New Zealand
Posts: 160
Going to take the leap into sobriety.
Hi everyone! I am a twenty eight year old girl from the south of England. For the last ten years it seems to be a blur and haze of boozing, blackouts and bad decisions.
After being bullied in school for my weight and looks alcohol gave me confidence when I started drinking at eighteen. I always thought I was a usual young person going out, enjoying myself and there was no harm in it.
Except now the party's over. It isn't fun anymore. My friends grew out of this about five years ago. However, I will still get absolutely plattered and make an utter idiot of myself either in person or social media. Sober me and drunk me is like day and night - it brings out my inner anger, sadness and aggression. Yet as soon as the hangover starts wearing off and I can physically drink without throwing up I am back on it - my sad little party for one.
I was arrested for drink driving when I was nineteen, and I was ridiculously lucky I didn't hurt someone or get any prison time for it. That should have been a wake up call that my boozing had very quickly got very out of hand, but I ignored it and picked up another drink. I would go through stages of moderation, then weeks on end where I was drinking about two bottles of wine plus four to six pints of strong lager a night then getting back on it as soon as I finished work. It was a horrible cycle of feeling and looking like absolute **** but there was no escape.
Fast forward to this year and I was actually on the right track. I wasn't drinking, I was actually managing moderation. I went travelling in Central America for seven months and even though I still drank, I was actually drinking way less than I had for years.
When I returned home I wasn't touching a drop and it wasn't even a conscious choice to almost completely abstain - I just didn't need or want to drink. I had a new job which I loved, I was excited about getting my working holiday visa for New Zealand next year - life was the brightest it had ever been. I always wondered if I was a true alcoholic or not. Even though I have tried to stop drinking more times than I care to remember I never managed it. I felt I had cracked it. But just over a month ago I had a setback which has pushed me over the cliff edge into constant boozing.
This forum looks extremely caring and understanding so I will share this with you. On October 3rd this year I was badly assaulted by my best friend's husband who I have known for almost ten years. I will try to keep this short and avoid using triggering language. Myself and my friend J started drinking at lunchtime and we ended up very drunk by the evening. Because as we all know there is no such thing as 'just one pint'.
J had to go into hospital, I went to A&E with her flatmate R, and her husband A joined us when he got off his shift as a driver (so he is stone cold sober) By this point I was passed out in the waiting room. They took me back to theirs where I fell asleep on their sofa. The I woke up in J and A's bed when I realised what was happening and no memory of how I got there.
Agan to cut the story as short as possible, the police have been informed and I am waiting for them to get back to me for a statement. A sent me some texts which hopefully can be used as evidence.
This caused me to be an utter mess, drinking constantly, missing shifts at my new work because I was hungover, or not doing the job properly when I was there. I was incredibly lucky not to get fired. On Tuesday I had one pint at the bar because I had to drive home, and I battled and battled with myself not to buy more on the way home.
But of course I was kidding myself - I drove straight to the supermarket to buy more booze and I drunk myself into oblivion. And I am not sure where this epiphany came from, but I woke up the next day and I know if I don't stop now I am going to end up killing myself.
I am determined to bring the son of a bitch who has inflicted all this pain on me to justice as best I can, but also determined not to ruin my life beyond repair.
It may not sound much, but I haven't had a drink since Tuesday this week even though I have been craving like mad today. I got through it by eating a ton of chocolate instead! I have found a local AA meeting and I will attend next week. In a way this has been a wake up call that I have been totally kidding myself that I am not an alcoholic. Even when I was genuinely in a good place mentally I still couldn't stop at just one drink. Moderation for me does not exist when it comes to alcohol.
Thank you for reading, sorry for rambling. It is only the beginning of the journey for me but reading the posts here have been so inspiring and shown me it is never too late and never impossible.
After being bullied in school for my weight and looks alcohol gave me confidence when I started drinking at eighteen. I always thought I was a usual young person going out, enjoying myself and there was no harm in it.
Except now the party's over. It isn't fun anymore. My friends grew out of this about five years ago. However, I will still get absolutely plattered and make an utter idiot of myself either in person or social media. Sober me and drunk me is like day and night - it brings out my inner anger, sadness and aggression. Yet as soon as the hangover starts wearing off and I can physically drink without throwing up I am back on it - my sad little party for one.
I was arrested for drink driving when I was nineteen, and I was ridiculously lucky I didn't hurt someone or get any prison time for it. That should have been a wake up call that my boozing had very quickly got very out of hand, but I ignored it and picked up another drink. I would go through stages of moderation, then weeks on end where I was drinking about two bottles of wine plus four to six pints of strong lager a night then getting back on it as soon as I finished work. It was a horrible cycle of feeling and looking like absolute **** but there was no escape.
Fast forward to this year and I was actually on the right track. I wasn't drinking, I was actually managing moderation. I went travelling in Central America for seven months and even though I still drank, I was actually drinking way less than I had for years.
When I returned home I wasn't touching a drop and it wasn't even a conscious choice to almost completely abstain - I just didn't need or want to drink. I had a new job which I loved, I was excited about getting my working holiday visa for New Zealand next year - life was the brightest it had ever been. I always wondered if I was a true alcoholic or not. Even though I have tried to stop drinking more times than I care to remember I never managed it. I felt I had cracked it. But just over a month ago I had a setback which has pushed me over the cliff edge into constant boozing.
This forum looks extremely caring and understanding so I will share this with you. On October 3rd this year I was badly assaulted by my best friend's husband who I have known for almost ten years. I will try to keep this short and avoid using triggering language. Myself and my friend J started drinking at lunchtime and we ended up very drunk by the evening. Because as we all know there is no such thing as 'just one pint'.
J had to go into hospital, I went to A&E with her flatmate R, and her husband A joined us when he got off his shift as a driver (so he is stone cold sober) By this point I was passed out in the waiting room. They took me back to theirs where I fell asleep on their sofa. The I woke up in J and A's bed when I realised what was happening and no memory of how I got there.
Agan to cut the story as short as possible, the police have been informed and I am waiting for them to get back to me for a statement. A sent me some texts which hopefully can be used as evidence.
This caused me to be an utter mess, drinking constantly, missing shifts at my new work because I was hungover, or not doing the job properly when I was there. I was incredibly lucky not to get fired. On Tuesday I had one pint at the bar because I had to drive home, and I battled and battled with myself not to buy more on the way home.
But of course I was kidding myself - I drove straight to the supermarket to buy more booze and I drunk myself into oblivion. And I am not sure where this epiphany came from, but I woke up the next day and I know if I don't stop now I am going to end up killing myself.
I am determined to bring the son of a bitch who has inflicted all this pain on me to justice as best I can, but also determined not to ruin my life beyond repair.
It may not sound much, but I haven't had a drink since Tuesday this week even though I have been craving like mad today. I got through it by eating a ton of chocolate instead! I have found a local AA meeting and I will attend next week. In a way this has been a wake up call that I have been totally kidding myself that I am not an alcoholic. Even when I was genuinely in a good place mentally I still couldn't stop at just one drink. Moderation for me does not exist when it comes to alcohol.
Thank you for reading, sorry for rambling. It is only the beginning of the journey for me but reading the posts here have been so inspiring and shown me it is never too late and never impossible.
Last edited by skyfullofstars; 11-09-2017 at 08:38 PM. Reason: potential triggering language
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Welcome to SR skyfullofstars!
Not having a drink since Tuesday is *great*!
Moderation doesn't exist for me when it comes to alcohol either... But we can stay sober one day at a time with help from all the great people here.
I am looking forward to seeing you around the threads!
Not having a drink since Tuesday is *great*!
Moderation doesn't exist for me when it comes to alcohol either... But we can stay sober one day at a time with help from all the great people here.
I am looking forward to seeing you around the threads!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Welcome Sky,
SR is an incredibly forum, and has been the biggest part of my recovery.
I am so sorry that happened to you, and I am glad you are working with the authorities.
I don't think moderation works for many of us, I know it didn't for me, and goodness knows I gave it enough attempts.
You should join the class of November 2017, you will find lots of support from others who have also committed or recommitte to sobriety this month.
Also, check out the 24 hour thread, it is a wonderfully supportive community where you can commit to remaining sober for the next 24 hours.
Looking forward to seeing you on SR!!
❤️Delilah
SR is an incredibly forum, and has been the biggest part of my recovery.
I am so sorry that happened to you, and I am glad you are working with the authorities.
I don't think moderation works for many of us, I know it didn't for me, and goodness knows I gave it enough attempts.
You should join the class of November 2017, you will find lots of support from others who have also committed or recommitte to sobriety this month.
Also, check out the 24 hour thread, it is a wonderfully supportive community where you can commit to remaining sober for the next 24 hours.
Looking forward to seeing you on SR!!
❤️Delilah
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
Hi and welcome skyfullofstars
I'm sorry for what happened to you but I'm glad you found us. This is a very safe and welcome place and you'll find a lot of support here
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
I'm sorry for what happened to you but I'm glad you found us. This is a very safe and welcome place and you'll find a lot of support here
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Canada
Posts: 251
Welcome to SR- So Sorry to hear about the situation that happened. What a horrible thing. Alcohol gets us into so many bad situations. I just have one question, what did your friend say about all this with her Husband? You are absolutely doing the right thing, you can turn this around now and never have to feel like this again. This site is so helpful, keep posting, be easy on yourself, and keep us updated!!! Rooting for you girl
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Brit in New Zealand
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by icandothis20 
Welcome to SR- So Sorry to hear about the situation that happened. What a horrible thing. Alcohol gets us into so many bad situations. I just have one question, what did your friend say about all this with her Husband? You are absolutely doing the right thing, you can turn this around now and never have to feel like this again. This site is so helpful, keep posting, be easy on yourself, and keep us updated!!! Rooting for you girl
I know it is cowardly, but I just can't tell her myself, it will destroy her. She has had problems with alcohol in the past as well. Her father died of alcoholism and she used it is a crutch for many years. I hope this does not set her back, if she doesn't hate me for the impending outcome I will support her because she is a victim too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Not drinking since Tuesday DOES sound like much. Those first few days are the hardest (in my opinion) and you now have them behind you and you never have to experience them again. Don't drink no matter what. Do whatever it takes and create a recovery plan. You have to have a plan because the moment is going to come that you want to drink. Please stop drinking. This decision will improve your life exponentially. Words that helped me know I needed to quit were "high functioning alcoholism isn't a TYPE of alcoholism it is a PHASE of alcoholism." It's only going to get worse so the sooner you stop the better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Brit in New Zealand
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Soberween
Not drinking since Tuesday DOES sound like much. Those first few days are the hardest (in my opinion) and you now have them behind you and you never have to experience them again. Don't drink no matter what. Do whatever it takes and create a recovery plan. You have to have a plan because the moment is going to come that you want to drink. Please stop drinking. This decision will improve your life exponentially. Words that helped me know I needed to quit were "high functioning alcoholism isn't a TYPE of alcoholism it is a PHASE of alcoholism." It's only going to get worse so the sooner you stop the better.
I also just can't do it anymore. The retching, the acne all over my cheeks, the depression, the shakes, the bloated belly, the falling out with friends, the ridiculous amount of money I waste on booze and the despair that engulfs me.
I am done. The thought of never touching another drink again terrifies me. No more ice cold G&Ts or my beloved craft beers on a hot day. No more large Merlot on a cold winter's day. I know this is just romantacised BS, it always turns into a binge where I wake up the next day once again terrified of what I said or did.
So I just focus on the eighteen hours or so I am awake. One day at a time. No more fairy tales, the view we have in our heads is like a Disney fairy tale but the reality is more like the Brother Grimms version of the story.
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