Finding my way with an AH
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 37
Finding my way with an AH
My AH didn't find his mistress (my name for his drinking that he puts above everyone/thing else) until we were married and had started a family. It's very difficult and painful to love someone more than they love themselves (or anyone for that matter), and I've been doing it for so long now, every logical bone in my body is ready to explode over how ridiculous it is.
He's starting to really spiral thought, although it's been coming for some time. The kids are now old enough to recognize it for what it is, and it's hurting them now as well. Before the last year or so, he would just go to bed early, which means he would take his glass to the bedroom sometime after dinner and continue drinking until he passed out. It was easy to ignore, and other than having to function as a single parent home, it worked.
Now he sits in the family room and either drinks until he passes out, is stumbling around, or is an angry jerk. Many times, it's a combination of the above. Add to that, he starts drinking a lot earlier, sometimes first thing in the morning, which in reality means he never stopped, since he tends to wake up sometime in the middle of the night and drink more.
He doesn't think he has a problem, although the hidden (and unhidden) empty bottles and his inability to remember things say otherwise. Meantime, I'm walking a tightrope, trying to balance life for our kids and maintain my sanity.
In addition, he has a lot of health problems that aren't all a result of the alcohol. One of which will likely be terminal, sooner rather than later. I don't think it's time to leave, but at this rate, I'm seeing the writing on the wall. Not only do I have the typical guilt of doing this to my kids, but if his health continues to deteriorate, I do not want to leave him to die alone.
This hurts my heart so much. Every once in a while I see a glimpse of the man I married, the love of my life, but more often than not it's this person who I don't even recognize. So, I have made the decision to work on me. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself and become a function of the disorder around me. When the other shoe does drop, and one way or another it will, I need to be in the best position I can be for my kids and me. Fighting off the sadness and frustration is so overwhelming though.
I've been reading here for awhile, and have learned so much and have already made some changes within me and how I act and react that are making a difference. Thank you all for your shares. You're helping people that you don't even know are watching.
He's starting to really spiral thought, although it's been coming for some time. The kids are now old enough to recognize it for what it is, and it's hurting them now as well. Before the last year or so, he would just go to bed early, which means he would take his glass to the bedroom sometime after dinner and continue drinking until he passed out. It was easy to ignore, and other than having to function as a single parent home, it worked.
Now he sits in the family room and either drinks until he passes out, is stumbling around, or is an angry jerk. Many times, it's a combination of the above. Add to that, he starts drinking a lot earlier, sometimes first thing in the morning, which in reality means he never stopped, since he tends to wake up sometime in the middle of the night and drink more.
He doesn't think he has a problem, although the hidden (and unhidden) empty bottles and his inability to remember things say otherwise. Meantime, I'm walking a tightrope, trying to balance life for our kids and maintain my sanity.
In addition, he has a lot of health problems that aren't all a result of the alcohol. One of which will likely be terminal, sooner rather than later. I don't think it's time to leave, but at this rate, I'm seeing the writing on the wall. Not only do I have the typical guilt of doing this to my kids, but if his health continues to deteriorate, I do not want to leave him to die alone.
This hurts my heart so much. Every once in a while I see a glimpse of the man I married, the love of my life, but more often than not it's this person who I don't even recognize. So, I have made the decision to work on me. Somewhere along the way I have lost myself and become a function of the disorder around me. When the other shoe does drop, and one way or another it will, I need to be in the best position I can be for my kids and me. Fighting off the sadness and frustration is so overwhelming though.
I've been reading here for awhile, and have learned so much and have already made some changes within me and how I act and react that are making a difference. Thank you all for your shares. You're helping people that you don't even know are watching.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((HUGS))) to you.
Oh, hun, you don't have to fight off those feeling...they are NORMAL feelings to have when you are watching a loved one do that to themselves and their family. I know those feelings are hard to face.
I'm glad you posted - keep reaching out. There is always someone here that understands, we all know the pain so well. My best to your family.
Fighting off the sadness and frustration is so overwhelming though.
I'm glad you posted - keep reaching out. There is always someone here that understands, we all know the pain so well. My best to your family.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
Your ah is a very sick man, and I know that you don't want him to die alone. So you want you and your kids to witness his long excruciating death first hand? I sat on the side line with my addict for 34 years and me and my kids are messed up because of it. I really would recommend you hitting an alanon or open aa meetings, and if your kids are old enough an alateen meeting.
It is not your responsibility to save his life, especially when there is verbal abuse. What are you showing to your kids? You can't hide this stuff, they know more then you realize. Go over to the adult children of alcoholic parents forum and read those horrific stories these adults witnessed. Ask them if they wished the sober parents would have gotten them out of the home. The majority of those kids wished the sober parent would have left.
Please educate yourself about addiction. It is a long life of hell, watching a loved one kill themselves and taking you down with them. Keep reading and posting. There is a much better life for you and your kids if you want it. There is always choices for all of us. Hugs
Your ah is a very sick man, and I know that you don't want him to die alone. So you want you and your kids to witness his long excruciating death first hand? I sat on the side line with my addict for 34 years and me and my kids are messed up because of it. I really would recommend you hitting an alanon or open aa meetings, and if your kids are old enough an alateen meeting.
It is not your responsibility to save his life, especially when there is verbal abuse. What are you showing to your kids? You can't hide this stuff, they know more then you realize. Go over to the adult children of alcoholic parents forum and read those horrific stories these adults witnessed. Ask them if they wished the sober parents would have gotten them out of the home. The majority of those kids wished the sober parent would have left.
Please educate yourself about addiction. It is a long life of hell, watching a loved one kill themselves and taking you down with them. Keep reading and posting. There is a much better life for you and your kids if you want it. There is always choices for all of us. Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
This sounds like a really painful situation. I faced something similar, as drinking came to occupy more and more of my now-ex husband's life. He too did not think he had a problem with drinking - he drank to cope with his other problems, according to him - despite the evidence that he was slowly crumbling.
I experienced the guilt of "breaking up" my daughter's home, but I came to realize there wasn't really much home to break. It was already pretty much broken. I had to decide whether I would be a better parent inside or outside the dysfunction.
My ex also has health problems which are becoming more and more prominent. He's spending a lot of time in hospital emergency rooms these days for everything from shingles to a heart attack. I too am facing the possibility that he may die, most likely from another heart attack, in the next few years if he doesn't stop drinking.
It sounds like you are already thinking through the possible scenarios so I don't have much insight to offer, but just know you aren't alone.
I experienced the guilt of "breaking up" my daughter's home, but I came to realize there wasn't really much home to break. It was already pretty much broken. I had to decide whether I would be a better parent inside or outside the dysfunction.
My ex also has health problems which are becoming more and more prominent. He's spending a lot of time in hospital emergency rooms these days for everything from shingles to a heart attack. I too am facing the possibility that he may die, most likely from another heart attack, in the next few years if he doesn't stop drinking.
It sounds like you are already thinking through the possible scenarios so I don't have much insight to offer, but just know you aren't alone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 37
Thank you all for your replies. My added complication is this illness that will likely take his life before any of the alcohol related illnesses or complications do. The specialist will not diagnose AH as having this disease until it gets to a certain point, because at that point there is really no hope, other than a transplant, which he does not want and would likely be difficult to get even if he did due to a long waiting list, not to mention his other alcohol related health issues. We should find out in the next few weeks whether or not he's progressed to the point of official diagnosis. Based on symptoms, I think we're close. (Just for clarification, the alcohol was an issue prior to this illness, although having this over his head pushed the fast forward button on his drinking.) The maximum life expectancy is 5 years after diagnosis without a transplant.
The kids are thankfully not young. One is an older teen/young adult living at home and going to college. Although he will be moving out and going away to school possibly as soon as January if he can figure out how to make it work. The other is in high school. As for how this has affected them, because of their ages, I have been fortunate to be able to have very honest conversations with them. They knew AH drank every evening but had no idea it was as much or as bad as it is until this past year. However, even though they didn't know, I realize they have never seen how a healthy, loving relationship works and that no matter how much I have protected them over the years they will have this baggage. One is currently in therapy, and the other knows it is available when/if they want it.
So, as harsh as it seems, I don't leave because there are health issues beyond the alcoholism, and I vowed sickness and health. If the alcoholism progresses to the point that I am unable to shield the kids from a majority of what is going on, then the alcoholism will outweigh the health issue. The other deal breaker is if AH gets physically abusive. In all reality I guess I'm just waiting out the storm and trying to minimize the damage.
The sad part is, I know no matter what that I am going to end up alone sooner rather than later. It's taken me awhile to accept that, but even though it makes me sad, and isn't what I envisioned when we married, I'm preparing myself for that and taking each day as it comes.
Intellectually I know what is to come, but emotionally my heart breaks. Thank you for letting me share and giving me the benefit of your opinions and experiences. I'm constantly assessing and adjusting.
The kids are thankfully not young. One is an older teen/young adult living at home and going to college. Although he will be moving out and going away to school possibly as soon as January if he can figure out how to make it work. The other is in high school. As for how this has affected them, because of their ages, I have been fortunate to be able to have very honest conversations with them. They knew AH drank every evening but had no idea it was as much or as bad as it is until this past year. However, even though they didn't know, I realize they have never seen how a healthy, loving relationship works and that no matter how much I have protected them over the years they will have this baggage. One is currently in therapy, and the other knows it is available when/if they want it.
So, as harsh as it seems, I don't leave because there are health issues beyond the alcoholism, and I vowed sickness and health. If the alcoholism progresses to the point that I am unable to shield the kids from a majority of what is going on, then the alcoholism will outweigh the health issue. The other deal breaker is if AH gets physically abusive. In all reality I guess I'm just waiting out the storm and trying to minimize the damage.
The sad part is, I know no matter what that I am going to end up alone sooner rather than later. It's taken me awhile to accept that, but even though it makes me sad, and isn't what I envisioned when we married, I'm preparing myself for that and taking each day as it comes.
Intellectually I know what is to come, but emotionally my heart breaks. Thank you for letting me share and giving me the benefit of your opinions and experiences. I'm constantly assessing and adjusting.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
"I know no matter what that I am going to end up alone sooner rather than later."
Hon, aren't you already alone?
" but even though it makes me sad, and isn't what I envisioned when we married,"
Every spouse of an addict on this forum, posts this same sentence.
I respect what you are trying to do. I did it also, 34 years, till I was literally going mad. I was seeing a therapists, going to 4 support group meetings a week, crying all the time, on antidepressants, and on sr nightly, desperate for help. (And he was doing just fine )I too held on as long as I could to support and help my addict, until there was nothing left of me. Nothing left to give.
We will be here for you when you are ready. I would highly recommend reaching out for some face to face support. It does help and you will need it in your future. Keep reading and educating yourself, it does help. Hugs to you.
Hon, aren't you already alone?
" but even though it makes me sad, and isn't what I envisioned when we married,"
Every spouse of an addict on this forum, posts this same sentence.
I respect what you are trying to do. I did it also, 34 years, till I was literally going mad. I was seeing a therapists, going to 4 support group meetings a week, crying all the time, on antidepressants, and on sr nightly, desperate for help. (And he was doing just fine )I too held on as long as I could to support and help my addict, until there was nothing left of me. Nothing left to give.
We will be here for you when you are ready. I would highly recommend reaching out for some face to face support. It does help and you will need it in your future. Keep reading and educating yourself, it does help. Hugs to you.
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