Sober Stranger
runs with scissors
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 9
Sober Stranger
My mother has been an alcoholic ever since I can remember. I'm the oldest of 3, and the undisputed matriarch of the family, as my mother handed over the reigns years ago. Now all 3 of us are ACOA and we all have very different reactions to our mom's recent sobriety (about a month).
My sister (the youngest), who has always been condescending and judgmental is not Mom's biggest cheerleader.
My brother avoids her because he has also become an alcoholic and is not ready to deal with that.
My father has become a huge jerk because he doesn't understand her the way her group and AA friends do. He's jealous of her new relationships and refuses to go to meetings or family nights with her.
As for me...I'm trying to be as supportive as possible under the circumstances. My mom and I have been more like sisters than mother and daughter - she's treated me like a peer since I was about 11 years old. As such, we've always been the best of friends and we would talk about everything. I never hated her - she's sick and I've always understood that. She's had a disease all these years and has finally decided to get help for it.
Now she needs to take this time for herself. She needs to come to terms with her addiction and the disease which fuels it in her own way. I understand that. I accept that - I truly do. At the same time, I am having a tremendous amount of difficulty with the changes in our relationship. We're still as close as ever but under a completely new dynamic. She's a very different person when she is sober and I don't know who this person is yet. It's such a daunting thought to have, "After all we've been through, my mother is a complete stranger to me."
For those of you who have gone through this: Any advice? I would greatly appreciate it!
dava
My sister (the youngest), who has always been condescending and judgmental is not Mom's biggest cheerleader.
My brother avoids her because he has also become an alcoholic and is not ready to deal with that.
My father has become a huge jerk because he doesn't understand her the way her group and AA friends do. He's jealous of her new relationships and refuses to go to meetings or family nights with her.
As for me...I'm trying to be as supportive as possible under the circumstances. My mom and I have been more like sisters than mother and daughter - she's treated me like a peer since I was about 11 years old. As such, we've always been the best of friends and we would talk about everything. I never hated her - she's sick and I've always understood that. She's had a disease all these years and has finally decided to get help for it.
Now she needs to take this time for herself. She needs to come to terms with her addiction and the disease which fuels it in her own way. I understand that. I accept that - I truly do. At the same time, I am having a tremendous amount of difficulty with the changes in our relationship. We're still as close as ever but under a completely new dynamic. She's a very different person when she is sober and I don't know who this person is yet. It's such a daunting thought to have, "After all we've been through, my mother is a complete stranger to me."
For those of you who have gone through this: Any advice? I would greatly appreciate it!
dava
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
dava -
Welcome.
I actually have been on the other end, I am the one who got sober and became a different person.
It takes time to adjust to change. The active disease affects the entire family, and so does the sobriety. But given a choice, most would choose the sobriety.
keep being supportive and being your moms friends, she is only a month into this thing. As for your other family members, they are going to have to learn to deal with the changes in their own way also. Sometimes, in my opinion, we get comfortable a certain way, even if that way is not good, then things improve, but we were comfortable with the misery, or the chaos or however it was. Understand.
Good luck and God Bless. And blessing to your mother on her journey.
Welcome.
I actually have been on the other end, I am the one who got sober and became a different person.
It takes time to adjust to change. The active disease affects the entire family, and so does the sobriety. But given a choice, most would choose the sobriety.
keep being supportive and being your moms friends, she is only a month into this thing. As for your other family members, they are going to have to learn to deal with the changes in their own way also. Sometimes, in my opinion, we get comfortable a certain way, even if that way is not good, then things improve, but we were comfortable with the misery, or the chaos or however it was. Understand.
Good luck and God Bless. And blessing to your mother on her journey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 8
Hi I think that the new dynamic you referred to should be seen as a positive development, that the treatment your mom is receiving is starting to bring out her true self, that her mind is clearing up, naturally it's a vunerable stage for her after having gone through so much, and shes probably coming to terms with herself and the harm it has done to her loved ones. And at this stage all she needs is love and support, which appears you are doing a great job in providing, and I know it's hard, at times it can be hell I been through it (my father's an recovering alcoholic). But it is important that in the process you dont forget about yourself, i'm not a woman but I guess being the head matriarch of the family demands alot especially the amount of stress you under, you're expecting yourself to go the extra mile, so take care of yourself, just make sure you dont leave anything bottled up, express yourself, it's okay to cry, and I'm a guy saying that 
but yeah the fact your mom is sober and is proactive whilst undertaking treatment is a great sign of hope for your mom, yourself and your family. Remember you not alone XX
but yeah the fact your mom is sober and is proactive whilst undertaking treatment is a great sign of hope for your mom, yourself and your family. Remember you not alone XX
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I think it's wonderful that you are so supportive. Just continue to give it time. Let her discover herself so that she can share this new person with you. I think your a wonderful daughter, and I'm sure you will continue to watch your mom grow with acceptance. Let the others work it out for themselves, it's a hard thing us alcoholics go through.
We want all the hurt pain, and hard and well grounded feelings to go away once we sober up, but it takes time, so much time. Just enjoy watching her grow, she's trying to understand herself too, and will need your continued support. Best wishes to you both on your new journey!
We want all the hurt pain, and hard and well grounded feelings to go away once we sober up, but it takes time, so much time. Just enjoy watching her grow, she's trying to understand herself too, and will need your continued support. Best wishes to you both on your new journey!
runs with scissors
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 9
First and foremost, thanks for all of the kind words and advice.
I went to family night at group with my mom last night. During that time, the counselor asked some very pointed questions of me. Answering those questions allowed me to voice my concerns and fears with my mom in a non-threatening way. I also let her know that what's done is done. There is no way we can change what has happened but we CAN get past it and continue to build our relationship on this new foundation. I think we both felt a lot better afterward.
I've received several e-mails from her today, which is a really good thing. Next week is her final week in the intensive program and I plan to attend the final family night with her.
Additionally, I think I'm going to start attending Al-Anon meetings again. Littles is right, I have to keep myself together, too.
I went to family night at group with my mom last night. During that time, the counselor asked some very pointed questions of me. Answering those questions allowed me to voice my concerns and fears with my mom in a non-threatening way. I also let her know that what's done is done. There is no way we can change what has happened but we CAN get past it and continue to build our relationship on this new foundation. I think we both felt a lot better afterward.
I've received several e-mails from her today, which is a really good thing. Next week is her final week in the intensive program and I plan to attend the final family night with her.
Additionally, I think I'm going to start attending Al-Anon meetings again. Littles is right, I have to keep myself together, too.
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