More of my story

Old 11-08-2017, 07:54 AM
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More of my story

My husband's alcoholism caused chaos mostly in his absence - we rarely saw him drunk, he never passed out anywhere in the house, peed the bed, etc. He was plenty absent, though and the marriage was punctuated by multiple crises (job loss, 3 DUIs, 2 retail theft convictions, 2 hospitalizations).

Fast forward to today. He has been sober over a year, has a job he loves, and is re-connecting with the kids. However, he wants n o t h i n g to do with ME and I am really hurting over it. We've been together over 30 years.

I've really tried moving on. Joined several groups for socializing, working, traveling, staying busy.

Have not filed, I cannot. The thought of it throws me into a panic!

I'm sad. Lonely. Grieving. Has anyone been in this situation? Where the grass really does appear greener? He's better and then dumps me.
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:58 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. I do think there is a time in a marriage that there is no going back, and maybe that is where he is. For the sake of your children, I hope he remains sober and in a good place. You are in a stagnant place, so I would think it would be very hard to move forward when you have not divorced. If he also has not filed, would it not be wise to sit down with him and have a very real conversation about the future?

I understand it's painful, but if there is no future it may be wise to go through the pain of divorcing so you can at least actually move forward.

Big huge hugs.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:09 AM
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Thank you, Hopeful and I agree with you; it is very difficult to move forward without divorcing.

I've tried many times to have a conversation with him and he is very understanding about my need to move forward and said to have everything written up by the lawyer and he will look at it.

It is just me - I am too sad and don't understand why I have to be cut out of the family when I feel I've done nothing wrong.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:25 AM
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I think one of the hardest things for me is not knowing of divorce would be THE ANSWER. So here I am, waiting for financial settlement after 17 months--- and that would be helpful for moving on at my age- I am 63. I had expected to be retired by now but instead I am working, and living in an 800 square foot apartment.
So that is worse. My kids hate me- that is worse. and not what I expected.
What is better? I don't live with an active alcoholic. I don't live with a man who abuses me verbally and would have let me die rather than take me for medical treatment. The people in my life treat me with kindness and love.
I get the feeling you still love your husband. That has to make the decision so hard. But.. does he love you? I have decided love looks like love. I also decided I will never get these years back- I will not live forever. I wanted a different life. That helped me move on. That and realizing that was so not what I thought a marriage would be like. I expected kindness, love, caring, and reliability. I was willing to give that, and I did not receive it in return.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:46 AM
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Dear Q,
I am so sorry you feel like your children hate you. I find the relationship with my kids frustrating sometimes because they are critical of me. I am honest with them and tell them I did the best I could. Hope yours will get some perspective as they age.

Been peacefully living apart from my H for over a year - I suppose I've already reaped that benefit prior to filing.

Will try to run through those questions : what would be better? What worse?
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:06 PM
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Hi, Flavia.
My opinion only, for what it’s worth.
I think that it is not uncommon for marriages or relationships to change when one partner gets sober.
The old marriage was dysfunctional but it worked, sorta, probably because you worked double time to make it so.
Take the alcohol away, and it’s a new ball game, with new behaviors and new ways of thinking about things.
Sometimes, the only thing to do is move forward solo.
Asking gently: why don’t you want to file?
You don’t live together, haven’t for a while.
Maybe it’s time.
As to the children, what criticism are they leveling?
Do they feel you should have left sooner, protected them from the alcoholic behavior more?
You don’t say their ages, but I am assuming they are young adults?
Hugs. Good thoughts.
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:56 PM
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Hi Maude,
Thanks - I very much value your opinion! It's true that things were sort of working then - in the way that I was trying not to rock the boat and he did as he pleased. Then after the last DUI I finally made him leave, my youngest was still at home then.

The oldest will say things like my personality was terrible when I was with my husband, I had no patience, I was freaking out constantly.
Honestly it was a terrifying ordeal with the police waking us up /blindsided by the DUIs and other charges, never knew if he was going to show up or not. I'm sure I was not at my best .
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:12 PM
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F,
"I'm sad. Lonely. Grieving."

You are living separate lives and you are still feeling this way. You feel he is cutting you out of the family. Why don't you choose to remove yourself from this disfunctional situation?

He has been sober for a year, I am assuming working a recovery program and life is great for him. You lived in 30 years of hell, kept the family together through thick and thin, protected him from kids and family seeing the real drunk he was, dui's, hospitalizations, job loss, and now he is sober, he is kicking you to the curb. It's just not fair. You stuck it out and this is what you get, a divorce.

What is he doing any different to you now then he did to you as a drunk? Nothing. He has not changed one bit. He is still a selfish, self centered jerk, whom you still love. Just because we love someone, doesn't mean its good for us. It's ok to love someone and not be married to them. I still love my axh in a way, but I could never be with him again, sober or drunk.

You could sit in this mess for the rest of your life. Maybe you filing and moving on he will wonder what you are up too. I used to always smile and be up beat In the early divorce time with my axh, I never wanted him to see the real pain I was feeling. I wanted him to think that I am awesome. He truly is not and has not been the best husband. We only have one life on this planet and waiting for an addict to come to his senses on our time frame is never going to happen.

Hugs my friend, I know you are scared, but you are entitled to be happy and in 30 years you have never had it, so I m not sure why you think it might happen in your future, he has always showed you who he was, you just didn't want to believe him.
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:28 PM
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Hearing all of this...I wish that every parent who stays in a relationship that is abusive and revolves around the alcoholism/addiction "for the chileren", would read this thread.
I think that it is common reasoning that as long as a child stays in an i ntact home....even if there is unhappiness under the roof...that everything will be o,k.
The fear of the term "broken home" is the worst of all things. Thus, the decision to keep the (already) broken home---together. It almost seems like there is no awareness that children perceive the unhappiness of the non-addicted parent and feel the loss....and, are very affected by it.
It is written so often, on this forum, (and the forum of Adult Children of Alcoholics)....that the adult children so often resent the non-alcoholic partner who stays as much or more than they resent the actual alcoholic one.
I think that it may take those adult children a longer time to come to the kind of understanding that allows them to forgive the parent who sacrificed by "staying for the children"......
Lots of forgiveness needed on both sides, I think......
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Old 11-08-2017, 08:34 PM
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That sounds so unfair, Flavia. You put up with his bullcrap for all those unsettling years and then when he finally gets it he doesn't get you. They say life isn't always fair but that doesn't mean you're doomed to failure. It's time to take care of yourself, let go and let God.A new chapter awaits and you don't want to miss it. And if you achieve a happy and healthy existence for yourself your children will notice and want to be a part of that. I wish you well.
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Old 11-09-2017, 06:57 AM
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Well, alcohol addiction is called the family disease for a reason.
The effects of one person’s addiction ripple throughout the family like a stone thrown into a pond.
Again, my opinion: people change. What worked before doesn’t now, with or without alcohol added into the mix.
You have an opportunity now, Flavia, to live a full, unencumbered life.
You will not have to care for an aging, ailing spouse, as most heavy drinkers don’t age well, though they are no longer drinking.
You can, hopefully, connect with your children again.
It isn’t uncommon, as other posters have said, for the children to resent the partner who stayed.
Part of that, I think, is that you are the “safe” parent, unlike the alcohol addict.
They know they can pile it on, and you won’t jump down their throats.
If it were me, I would speak my truth—I thought it better for everyone if I stayed, though in retrospect, maybe it wasn’t—and let it go.
live your life. Be happy doing the things you like.
Sooner or later, the kids will get it.
Don’t let them beat you up. Kids, even adult ones, are good at that.
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:03 AM
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One of the huge things that convinced me it was ok to divorce was the realization that my children were resenting ME. I thought I was protecting them, in turn, I was becoming a bitter and angry person in the constant throes of chaos.

I decided if my children are to be with me say, 90 percent of the time (it's actually more like 95%), that we can have a happy and peaceful life for that 90 percent. Through counseling they have learned to cope with the chaos they are exposed to the other time.
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Old 11-11-2017, 07:49 AM
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Just logged in - thank you for all of the helpful comments. YES. He is still selfish. YES I need to rebuild a happy, healthy life for myself. YES I need to redefine what that looks like. Sorry - didn't mean to insinuate that my kids aren't speaking to me. We're close BUT agree with Dandy that staying is not the best for the kids and they pick up on the stress/feel the chaos.

I was thinking of you COD and how your son always calls for you if he needs someone in the middle of the night. So sad that your son realizes his mom cannot be counted on at night
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