Abby2690

My boyfriend has developed a very bad coke addiction, he does it pretty much daily, snorting 1-2 grams per night, sometimes more. His house is a disaster filled with garbage. He gets so high he hallucinates and goes into psychosis. He thinks there's someone in the house so he walks around with a hammer and a bat. It's very scary... and probably dangerous. It's been really draining me... the nights where he goes MIA, the cancelled plans, the nastiness due to withdrawal and the drug itself... the severe manipulation. We have been on the verge of break up. He keeps promising he will get better and he will seek help but he never does. So lately he's gotten very nasty towards me because I have been complaining about him not getting help and living in trash, I've been trying to help him in any way I can. I clean uo the trash and he just throws more on the ground as a big **** you.

Anyway, last night we got into a huge argument. He told me he doesn't know if he wants to be with me because he doesn't know if he can be with someone who gets so upset and emotional. (I get upset because of his drug problem). So I said wow, after ALL I do for you and after how I stick by your side you can say that to me? I became so livid I told him I had enough and I was going to call the cops on him to make him stop. He immediately got SO mad and said he's done and my true colors have shown. I regret saying that, I shouldn't make threats but I'm just so frustrated and angry It just came out! Now I am the bad guy due to good old manipulation. I feel really bad about what I said and I know it's wrong to make threats like that but I am at a loss. I apologized and said I'd never reallt so that but I almost feel that he truly is a danger to himself and who knows if he's a danger to others with the psychosis. I have told myself it's over and I am coming to peace with it. I know I should have left long ago. I am just feeling regret for what I said - should I keep beating myself up over this? I need some words of advice. I'm trying to stay strong with this break up.

FenwayFaithful

classic addict behavior to act like everything is your fault and you’re “over reacting”

You’re not.

He’s bad because he has a problem and he feels like you’re standing between him and getting high

His behavior IS absolutely dangerous and puts you at risk.

You’ve done nothing wrong. But he will do everything in his power to turn things back around on you

It’s not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about

Ariesagain

Actually, you were right...he needs help. But as long as he reacts like he did he won’t accept any.

The best thing for both of you is to end the relationship for your iwn sanity and safety. He’s choosing to drown and nothing you say is going to change that...you just have two people drowning instead of one.

Please stay and do some reading here and you’ll see how very typical his behavior is. It’s Addiction and advanced addiction at that.

Run.

atalose

Keep reminding yourself of that over and over and over again.

We say things in anger so what – they are just words. Words much like his words of “ promises he will get better and he will seek help”. Manipulation runs in both directions in toxic relationships.

Keep reminding yourself of what you’d be running back……………..

You’d run back to being his maid and the receiver of his nastiness. Is that the kind of relationship you want?

zoso77

I have a buddy who's got a saying that's appropriate for your situation.

Run. Run the other way. Run the other way as fast as you can.

Don't attempt to analyze this. Don't attempt to make sense of this. The only thing that matters is your well being. Get out of there.

When the time is right, that's when you start to fill in the blanks with respect to your knowledge about addiction and your decisions. Right now, self preservation is your primary goal.

AnvilheadII

i'm curious, Abby, on your list of qualifications for a decent partner, where do Cocaine Addiction, House like a Garbage Dump, psychotic, unstable and mean come in?

i do hope you find the strength to just be DONE with this person. this is not a relationship, but it is very unhealthy. and potentially dangerous for YOU. there is simply nothing of his way of life that fosters anything good or healthy. you are worth much more.

Maudcat

Hi, Abby.
Welcome to SR.
These are hard truths you are hearing, though gently.
Life with an addict is hell.
You are not married. No kids.
The time to leave is now.
Also, protect your financial information.
Don’t leave your bag with credit cards around.
Don’t give him access to your bank stuff.
Cocaine ain’t cheap.
Peace.

NClarke2017

Blaming you for HIS problems = gaslighting. He is abusing you and you deserve better. Cut the toxic relationships out.

IDK your political affiliation and it's not relevant BUT Mrs. Obama said something that really stuck with me: "Good relationships feel good. They feel right."

The fact you are fearing that you may be attacked with a BAT in the middle of the night is terrifying. Leave now, you have no kids, you've got to take care of YOURSELF.

I know it sounds scary but RUN! And update us. You can send me a PM if you need to chat or whatever. Remember that there's a livechat on this website and from my experience someone will always be online to respond. You got this!!!!

Sissyfuss

By all means stay strong, Abby. I concur with the others here, run and go no contact. He's sick and he's making you sick with his lies and manipulation. As long as he's active in his addiction things can only get worse for you. Study up on addiction, codependency, and perhaps try therapy. I found that my addict was so subtle and masterful in her manipulation of me, the one that truly loved her, that I wasn't aware of how much her illness had affected me until I became a babbling idiot, breaking down without knowing why. Keep posting and share in this wonderful community. We've all been there for the most part. Hugs to everyone.

OpheliaKatz

Abby I have been where you are. I had an A husband who blamed me for everything, trashed the house, was psychotic (thought people were out to get him), mean when he was withdrawing, and eventually the neighbors called the police. Please get out for your own safety. He's walking around with a baseball bat. Be aware that when you leave, you are going to need a safety plan because his psychotic tendencies might make him think that YOU are out to get him -- this happened to me. Tell your friends and family what is happening. Get a support team. Change your bank account and card numbers. I had my bank account wiped out three times when I was with my A and I had no idea how it happened... now I know (he seemed oddly unconcerned when it happened). Please stay safe.

Bob4x4

This gets my vote.

You have the choice to get out of prison, you are asking here for permission . . . . permission granted.

Almost every 2nd thread here you will see the advice that you cannot make another person change.

Say the serenity prayer over and over when you start to feel anxiety about this situation. IMO...

Girl1101

That right there. Classic example of successful gaslighting. Like others have said, you're actually correct, but he is making you feel guilty, and you ended up apologizing to him for what you said...when whatever you were saying was correct.

I think you know the answer. There is no way to fix this unless he seeks help himself. The only thing you can do for now is help yourself and get out of this toxic relationship.

maia1234

Welcome,
Glad you posted. This is addiction 101. Everything you mentioned is "normal" addiction behavior. He is an addict and there is nothing you can do for an addict, I tried for 34 years, never worked for me. Don't waste your life like I did trying to save your addict, they don't want to be saved.

Block him, on the phone, texting, social media, email. Everything! He is a very scary man and if you were my daughter, I would fear for your life. You have no idea the mental state he would be in high and could kill you. Believe me, you read about it every day, "I was high, and didnt know i killed my "blank".

Like said above, run and run fast. Pray that God can help him , because you can't. Educate yourself about addiction! ! Stay safe my friend