Divorce & Disbelief

Old 11-07-2017, 05:09 PM
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Divorce & Disbelief

I have been logistically preparing but I guess a part of me just is in disbelief. I have been getting my own credit accounts, I removed myself off the find my iPhone app which honestly was for my own sanity. So I received a call from AH wanting to talk about logistics. Asking me about DS surgery, my last stage of reconstruction after cancer, where I was at (at home he couldn't track me anymore.), why I got my own acct, I used my own info I don't know why they would call him. He told me he has met with an attorney and will be retaining him. "I have a right to see my daughter" - he can he just has to show up at her therapist, she has no interest in dealing with him. He told me he was finally telling his family "the truth" which won't happen. I am just amazed that AH will do anything except get healthy. He is still the victim I am still an impossible bitch to live with. He doesn't have a relationship with his kids but that doesn't seem to be a problem. Its bizarre. He has always complained that he couldn't have an open honest relationship with his family because they all lied about stuff and pretended things were okay but thats exactly what he's doing. It's so bizarre to me to stay trapped in a fantasy you would think a selfish person would simply want himself to be happy but I guess the work is too hard. All this while he tells me "i know where you're at, thats why I am going forward"still won't even accept responsibility for that decision. Dumfounded
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Old 11-07-2017, 06:29 PM
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1. Alcoholism is an illness that is unexplainable, illogical and bizarre.

2. Life is full of wonderful things that I was unable to fully enjoy because of being wrapped up in 1.

3. Life with time and distance from 1 is getting better and better!

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm still immensely missing my husband, but he's not there... the harsh words, accusations and threats are symptoms of the disease. Even though it's not personal, it feels VERY personal... and so No Contact is something I'm embracing one day at a time.

(((Hugs)))

What does your support system look like? The stronger it is, especially with those familiar with the recovery from having alcoholism in our lives, the faster and stronger the healing. Healing is possible.

I HATE the whole "I have a right" in regards to our children. What about the child's right to a sane childhood?

You're doing very well, mama bear.
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Old 11-07-2017, 07:39 PM
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V,
I am sorry for what you are going through. This is all typical alcoholic 101. I read on the alcohlism forum once, that it wasn't till I sobered up did I realize the things I was doing/saying. You know that you can't understand them, so don't waste any more time trying.

Try and cut as much contact with him as possible, as it always sets you back to square one. Hugs.
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:43 AM
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Yep it is truly amazing and so what alcoholism does - irk.

Congrats on all the steps you are taking to separate yourself and protect your life from being destroyed by alcoholism.

Big hug and let us know how it goes.
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:51 AM
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It's so bizarre to me to stay trapped in a fantasy you would think a selfish person would simply want himself to be happy but I guess the work is too hard

when i was in active alcoholism i wanted to be happy,but that involved the world doing what i wanted it to do. the world according to tom was what would have made me happy.
and didnt involve changing myself. one aspect of insanity is denial- thinking there was nothing wrong with me.
something i heard shortly after getting sober that blew me away:
insane people dont run around saying theyre insane.
after hearing that, it didint take me long to realize i had a wee bit of insanity happening.
yeah, thats a lie- there was a crapton of insanity happening in me.
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Old 11-08-2017, 07:54 AM
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The last thing an addict in the throes of addiction is going to do is accept ANY responsibility. Addiction 101.

I would suggest for you to also retain an attorney and let all contact go through the attorneys. Keep talk to only what is 100% necessary about children. Nothing else. Ignore him 100% of the time for everything else, don't give him the opportunity to manipulate you.

Big hugs.
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Old 11-08-2017, 04:38 PM
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I filed for divorce in May so I have an attorney. I just feel so puzzled by the lack of action on my AH part. My FOO has no addiction issues of any kind so all of this is hard for me to wrap my brain around. If you're unhappy you do something to change your situation, in al anon I finally got that meant inside myself but AH is happy being unhappy???? I feel pretty naive I guess about my spouse and the world. My AH is brilliant, smartest person I have ever known but can't look inside himself for anything. Its just baffling to me.
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Old 11-09-2017, 08:12 AM
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You have a logical mind which says, here is X problem, here is X solution. The addicted mind (and many non addicted minds as well), are simply not willing to do what needs to be done to create CHANGE within themselves. They have to want it so badly they will fight every day, forever. No many are willing to make that commitment. It's sad, it's frustrating, and it causes very real grief when those you love make those choices. However, as always, the three C's win out again. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it.

Big hugs friend.
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