Rosie2017

Hi there! So, my XAP is out of the hospital and is now working an outpatient rehab program. Those are all the details I know - when he was detoxing, I asked him not to contact me until he had been sober for at least 90 days. I got a text outlining his plans, he said that there were many, many messes he needed to clean up for himself and then he told me he would respect my space and hoped that we would eventually be able to reach a place of healing.

I'm happy with my space. I'm happy I have space to deal with my issues. I've been sitting a lot with the things that I allowed into my life. The places where I was too scared to voice my needs (what if I get rejected), the times it was just easier to be complacent rather than respect my own needs and boundaries. I am dealing with these issues with a therapist and I understand that these are my issues - the ones that will crop up in the next relationship if I am not ready to be open and honest with myself and with whomever I choose to let into my life. They were there in previous relationships that weren't dominated by alcohol, but were dominated by my needs to please and put everyone else first.

Lots of feelings have cropped up about my XAP. His last relapse hurt me so deeply because he had been sober for almost two years, was ready to go to therapy with me and I was in the best place I had ever been when it came to talking about my own needs and desires. Our relationship was the best it had ever been and then all hell broke loose. Now, a year later, we are in a very different place. He is trying to get his life back on track and I am coming to terms with how much damage his addiction (and my acceptance of it) caused in my life.

I am sad, I'm angry, I'm grieving, I'm frustrated. I'm grateful for my lessons and grateful for all the love that we did share. And, there is the tiniest piece of my heart that is hopeful. And I have no idea what to do with that hope. All the other emotions, I am able to process - the sadness over my loss is the most difficult, but that will come with time. Anger - an emotion that used to terrify me, has become my best friend. Thanks to anger, I will never let myself slip into another addiction-driven relationship again. Ever. That part I know for sure.

But what on earth am I to do with this splinter-sized piece of hope? The relationship is over, without a doubt. But the love we share is still there. I know I don't have to figure out anything today, I know that the key is to keep focusing on myself and healing. I have found an Al-Anon meeting and will start going on the evenings that my kids are with their dad (not my XAP). I am grateful for the space to heal and think and explore my life outside of what was. And still, hope is always there ...

Mango blast

Hi, Rosie!

One day at a time. There's nothing wrong with hope. It seems yours is now hand-in-hand with your own recovery instead of his.

My husband relapsed over a month ago. I've been in No Contact for over 3 weeks. I don't know if he'll find recovery. Yet I have great HOPE of goodness and healing in my life. I have HOPE of miracles that can happen without my involvement. I have HOPE that today I'll enjoy life... with good food (which is sometimes junk food with no guilt!), work I enjoy, fun, games, playtime and people who love and accept me just as I am.

I do have hope of my marriage... it now stands a greater chance of long term success since I know very well what hasn't worked. I no longer FEAR divorce. The stronger I am, the better our marriage is... even now with us living apart and me being in No Contact. Totally illogical and I'm okay with that. Everything about alcoholism, recovery and LIFE is totally illogical. I'm embracing that now.

(((Hugs)))

firebolt

This! You have the answers, you don't need to do anything with it. That little sliver can just sit there, and be ignored while you keep focusing on yourself and healing. You keep that path and things will be so clear 6 months or a year from now! (((HUGS))) to you.

Rosie2017

KTF - that was SO beautiful ... lifted my heart and gave me HOPE and feels so very liberating. Thank you - I need to keep this one and read it every day. I sending you a huge, huge, hug. xo

Rosie2017

Thank you for the encouragement Firebolt. So much of this feels totally illogical - my old thought patterns would have me back in his arms right now, because if I'm not right in front of him, he might forget about me (those are my own very, very nasty thoughts - I've I'm not doing things for the people I love, they will have no use for me). Now, my lovely heart is asking me to sit still ... not for him, not for us, just for me. It feels scary, I feel totally out of control (because I'm not controlling, I'm just being), but I am also starting to recognize was peace feels like!!! Sending you a great big hug! xo

dandylion

Rosie.....it is still early on.....in time...enough time....and hope will be replaced with acceptance. It will happen so quietly and so incrementally, that you will hardly be aware of it.

Rosie2017

Thank you, Dandylion. Your words are so very comforting. xo

Mango blast

Hi Rosie,

Thinking of you today. (((Hugs)))

How are you doing?

OpheliaKatz

I started out with hope for the relationship. Now I still have hope. I have hope for me instead of him. It's just that the hope has transferred from him to me. For so long, I carried the hope for both of us. Now I don't have to carry his hope anymore. That's his job. If you ask me about magical thinking... that's different from hope. I do a lot of magical thinking in my dreams. He's sober. He's apologizing. I'm in-dependent (not codependent). We have a nice car. Also, in my dreams, I have really nice hair... .

trailmix

hopeful4

Prepare and plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.