You aren't a doomed spouse as an acoa
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
You aren't a doomed spouse as an acoa
I'm coming here after a particularly rough few months. My beautiful hearted husband and I brought our healthy happy baby boy into this world. We have moved like an expert team always deferring to each other before making a choice so we were both primary parents. My once alcoholic ridden family is in a new place after many years of struggles, now my mother is the picture perfect grandmother I am deeply grateful for and my dad is solid as ever.
I have worked programs and self care and I'm in a different place than years ago but the reality of what I grew up in still rattles through my head every day.
Being the ACOA I am I am very hard on myself and take full blame for anything that is even partially my fault then I close up further. My dear husband is actually an acoa I see it but he still thinks he's a normies since he sits more on loving and loyal (I see his codependence and approval seeking that overrun logic most of the time.) But I assured he knew my past so he could best approach how I think I was down the road in my work I was very open about it, how it affects me, and what it can mean. So here we are two ACOAS trying desperately to raise our beautiful boy and we are doing great if I say so. He's happy and healthy and the social confident envy of half our friends with kids.
But through all this my husband and I did something remarkably normal for once. In the first year of our sons life even though we were looking amazing as parents and never failed to come together for him we were struggling as a couple. The first year with a kid is often the most trying time for any couple.
So in the middle of this I find myself searching for advice to get us back on track it all told me to talk. Oh dear lord anything but talking! Then I felt bad I couldn't give such a simple thing clearly I was a messed up acoa. It felt not like a fact a part of me but in the moment of despair it was me, I was acoa and no longer myself. My husband begged me to talk he needed assurance of what was happening and I just wanted left alone words do nothing for me only actions and I would just cry walk away do more around the house and get angrier. As it kept going he would shut up ignore me and we moved like roommates. After a particular 4 days when we had only talked about facts what's for dinner when the kid had Tylenol I knew this was it fix it or watch it get so much greater than us.
I couldn't talk on top of my normal hesitation I was now angry hurt and abandoned. So I stopped and said to myself "what do I need. Let's get my oxygen on before I try to do his." So I agreed to stop multitasking and offered an olive branch of communication by telling him I was overstressed and I would no longer multitask. I was doing all the housework everything with our son and I was bitter so I stopped.
Day 2 of no multitasking my 6 month old and I did a dance party in the living room he giggled like a maniac and so did I. My husband came home and a weird smile crossed his face at seeing us but nothing else changed. I was calmer that helped I hadn't snapped over something stupid so my overwhelming guilt receded a little.
Day 3 I decided I couldn't change him only me so I decided I would embrace some service this was a marriage where we both had to give 100% he was confused when his breakfast and lunch we're packed and his coffee made but he said thank you gave me a kiss and helped me load the car in the morning.
I kept this going for a week and my sulking husband started helping more as the house got a bit messy at my lack of multitasking. I would say thank you after and nothing more. By day 7 we we're talking about our days again. I still wasn't ready to share feelings but I was trusting my husband again and him me.
Week 2 the comfort came back and we exploded I cried he begged me to talk I begged him to help more and it ended with us compromising talking it out and finally cracking up.
It's been about a month from that day but I wanted to post for a few reasons.
1. When I felt it was my acoa problem causing it all it destroyed me, I was sure I should leave my husband to save him from me. Because I was too messed up to deserve love. And when I looked for an article or support somewhere convincing me I deserved love all I found were articles about how loving someone like me is such a challenge and hopefully my spouse can "put up" with my issues. I'm an acoa by past but I'm also a human and quite frankly even the normies are a little "messed up".
2. It was impossible for me to accept that for once this was a remarkably normal problem. And
3. That by embracing my strengths and listening to his concerns we inched back. It wasn't an overnight change like my anxious abandonment riddled heart wanted but it got there.
4. And I got there by remembering the basics of taking care of me first.
And 5. We agreed that as much as we want to assure we don't do to our son what was done to us one of the ways to do that is to show how to work out issues and accept people warts and all. If he can't see examples of fights and making up, if he sees his parents caring for him but not each other he won't know how to do it.
I still worry that both of our pasts may get the best of us some day but I'm a guilt ridden perfectionist acoa and my husband is an overly clingy I think I'm always right acoa and if we play to our strengths they can be assets. This won't be our last rough patch but after 4 years together it was our first and I think we both gained tools to hopefully help us weather and improve on the next one.
I have worked programs and self care and I'm in a different place than years ago but the reality of what I grew up in still rattles through my head every day.
Being the ACOA I am I am very hard on myself and take full blame for anything that is even partially my fault then I close up further. My dear husband is actually an acoa I see it but he still thinks he's a normies since he sits more on loving and loyal (I see his codependence and approval seeking that overrun logic most of the time.) But I assured he knew my past so he could best approach how I think I was down the road in my work I was very open about it, how it affects me, and what it can mean. So here we are two ACOAS trying desperately to raise our beautiful boy and we are doing great if I say so. He's happy and healthy and the social confident envy of half our friends with kids.
But through all this my husband and I did something remarkably normal for once. In the first year of our sons life even though we were looking amazing as parents and never failed to come together for him we were struggling as a couple. The first year with a kid is often the most trying time for any couple.
So in the middle of this I find myself searching for advice to get us back on track it all told me to talk. Oh dear lord anything but talking! Then I felt bad I couldn't give such a simple thing clearly I was a messed up acoa. It felt not like a fact a part of me but in the moment of despair it was me, I was acoa and no longer myself. My husband begged me to talk he needed assurance of what was happening and I just wanted left alone words do nothing for me only actions and I would just cry walk away do more around the house and get angrier. As it kept going he would shut up ignore me and we moved like roommates. After a particular 4 days when we had only talked about facts what's for dinner when the kid had Tylenol I knew this was it fix it or watch it get so much greater than us.
I couldn't talk on top of my normal hesitation I was now angry hurt and abandoned. So I stopped and said to myself "what do I need. Let's get my oxygen on before I try to do his." So I agreed to stop multitasking and offered an olive branch of communication by telling him I was overstressed and I would no longer multitask. I was doing all the housework everything with our son and I was bitter so I stopped.
Day 2 of no multitasking my 6 month old and I did a dance party in the living room he giggled like a maniac and so did I. My husband came home and a weird smile crossed his face at seeing us but nothing else changed. I was calmer that helped I hadn't snapped over something stupid so my overwhelming guilt receded a little.
Day 3 I decided I couldn't change him only me so I decided I would embrace some service this was a marriage where we both had to give 100% he was confused when his breakfast and lunch we're packed and his coffee made but he said thank you gave me a kiss and helped me load the car in the morning.
I kept this going for a week and my sulking husband started helping more as the house got a bit messy at my lack of multitasking. I would say thank you after and nothing more. By day 7 we we're talking about our days again. I still wasn't ready to share feelings but I was trusting my husband again and him me.
Week 2 the comfort came back and we exploded I cried he begged me to talk I begged him to help more and it ended with us compromising talking it out and finally cracking up.
It's been about a month from that day but I wanted to post for a few reasons.
1. When I felt it was my acoa problem causing it all it destroyed me, I was sure I should leave my husband to save him from me. Because I was too messed up to deserve love. And when I looked for an article or support somewhere convincing me I deserved love all I found were articles about how loving someone like me is such a challenge and hopefully my spouse can "put up" with my issues. I'm an acoa by past but I'm also a human and quite frankly even the normies are a little "messed up".
2. It was impossible for me to accept that for once this was a remarkably normal problem. And
3. That by embracing my strengths and listening to his concerns we inched back. It wasn't an overnight change like my anxious abandonment riddled heart wanted but it got there.
4. And I got there by remembering the basics of taking care of me first.
And 5. We agreed that as much as we want to assure we don't do to our son what was done to us one of the ways to do that is to show how to work out issues and accept people warts and all. If he can't see examples of fights and making up, if he sees his parents caring for him but not each other he won't know how to do it.
I still worry that both of our pasts may get the best of us some day but I'm a guilt ridden perfectionist acoa and my husband is an overly clingy I think I'm always right acoa and if we play to our strengths they can be assets. This won't be our last rough patch but after 4 years together it was our first and I think we both gained tools to hopefully help us weather and improve on the next one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Thanks for your honesty in this post. I admire the fact that you are both so young and early into your relationship and have come to terms and understanding that your backgrounds will have an effect on yourselves, your marriage and your family. I haven't been to SR in months but I have been feeling very introspective lately and I felt the need to check in and your post is the first I saw! I don't believe in coincidences.
I have been married for 23 years and we are still very much in love with each other. We were college sweethearts and we are both ACOAs. We have four amazing children. (all teenagers and young adults now) What has worked for us: we are and have always been in absolute agreement that we wanted something different for our family than what we experienced and we worked like Team Amazing to make that happen. There isn't a day that goes by that my kids do not know how much we love and cherish them, but at the same time, we never make them feel like they need to fulfill our needs. We really bonded over raising a family that we are very proud of and feel good about leaving a better legacy than what we had. We have worked hard to not criticize, but instead to support our childrens' individuality and strengths. Like you stated sometimes our "faults or attributes of being ACOAs" can actually be strengths in a married relationship. Both of us are extremely loyal, extremely kind (people pleasers), extremely resilient. These traits come in handy in marriage, because like you said there will be rough spots and more than one period of them. Sometimes you'll feel like you are only there for the commitment and that feeling will rock you and your ACOA abandonment issues because you'll come to terms with the fact that your spouse probably feels that way, too, sometimes.
I feel strongly that your family will do just fine, especially since you are facing your issues early on. If I were to do over, I would have faced my issues earlier, but as a classic ACOA, I have spent my life more codependently, trying to control and fix everything outside of myself. It is not until my middle age that I have looked hard at myself, so you are way ahead of the game!!
Make sure that you continue to make sure you make yourself a priority, the romantic side of your marriage a priority (send loving texts, do loving gestures, date nights, etc.) and learn to communicate effectively. This will help you stay clear of resentment and passive aggressive behaviors, which are very easy traps for our ACOAs to fall into if we are not careful.
I talked my therapist about my concerns about my husband and I both being ACOAs and codependents and he said that sometimes these marriages are the best because we are so kind and understanding of each other. Try to not to fall into the trap that you are "doomed." That is classic ACOA thinking too, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be a cheerleader for your family and the healthy changes you are making in your family lines!!
I have been married for 23 years and we are still very much in love with each other. We were college sweethearts and we are both ACOAs. We have four amazing children. (all teenagers and young adults now) What has worked for us: we are and have always been in absolute agreement that we wanted something different for our family than what we experienced and we worked like Team Amazing to make that happen. There isn't a day that goes by that my kids do not know how much we love and cherish them, but at the same time, we never make them feel like they need to fulfill our needs. We really bonded over raising a family that we are very proud of and feel good about leaving a better legacy than what we had. We have worked hard to not criticize, but instead to support our childrens' individuality and strengths. Like you stated sometimes our "faults or attributes of being ACOAs" can actually be strengths in a married relationship. Both of us are extremely loyal, extremely kind (people pleasers), extremely resilient. These traits come in handy in marriage, because like you said there will be rough spots and more than one period of them. Sometimes you'll feel like you are only there for the commitment and that feeling will rock you and your ACOA abandonment issues because you'll come to terms with the fact that your spouse probably feels that way, too, sometimes.
I feel strongly that your family will do just fine, especially since you are facing your issues early on. If I were to do over, I would have faced my issues earlier, but as a classic ACOA, I have spent my life more codependently, trying to control and fix everything outside of myself. It is not until my middle age that I have looked hard at myself, so you are way ahead of the game!!
Make sure that you continue to make sure you make yourself a priority, the romantic side of your marriage a priority (send loving texts, do loving gestures, date nights, etc.) and learn to communicate effectively. This will help you stay clear of resentment and passive aggressive behaviors, which are very easy traps for our ACOAs to fall into if we are not careful.
I talked my therapist about my concerns about my husband and I both being ACOAs and codependents and he said that sometimes these marriages are the best because we are so kind and understanding of each other. Try to not to fall into the trap that you are "doomed." That is classic ACOA thinking too, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be a cheerleader for your family and the healthy changes you are making in your family lines!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Thank you, it's so awesome to hear these successes stories so many things I found when out on the deep dark web was negative and it can get very disheartening. I've spent many days on here sharing the awful parts of my life but the quieter I am on here usually the better my life is. I try to remember to pop in every once in a while even when things are good just to say it out loud. Because I worry that sometimes when we are in dark places it's harder to realize that there really is a lot of good and success and "normal" happy ever afters.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
What a beautiful honest genuine post.
Both my husband and I are ACOA's. My biggest ACOA issue is that I take things personally or I shut down instead of communicating what I need or how I feel. Our relationship is so much easier when I don't do this.
His biggest ACOA issue is that he will isolate, avoid, or shut down.
Self awareness helps a lot. What also helps is compassion, when the other is falling back into ACOA ways.
Both my husband and I are ACOA's. My biggest ACOA issue is that I take things personally or I shut down instead of communicating what I need or how I feel. Our relationship is so much easier when I don't do this.
His biggest ACOA issue is that he will isolate, avoid, or shut down.
Self awareness helps a lot. What also helps is compassion, when the other is falling back into ACOA ways.
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