How low can I get?
Binge poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
How low can I get?
I’ve been so enveloped in what is happening with my A that I’ve been neglecting other, important things in my life. Really, big important things.
My youngest has a bowel condition that is physical but may have developed through psychological reasons. After a fight to get an appointment, both with doctors and with his father (we have shared care), at last it was all coming together this week. I booked the time off, put it in my office diary, emailed the secretary. For Friday, 27th of October. Of course, the 27th was yesterday and I missed the appointment.
Step 1 - admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable
This is just about as low as I’ve ever been. How could I get this important thing wrong, how on earth can I have let my life become this unmanageable?
I feel so selfish, self-absorbed and such a bad mother. I’m angry that this disease has sucked me in. I was supposed to be going to my first f2f last night, didn’t because the A isn’t doing well and wanted company. I’m screaming inside.
As it turns out, the person we had the appointment with is off sick and when he turned up with his dad they were turned away. There really is someone looking after me up there, and when I don’t deserve it to boot.
Thanks for listening.
J
My youngest has a bowel condition that is physical but may have developed through psychological reasons. After a fight to get an appointment, both with doctors and with his father (we have shared care), at last it was all coming together this week. I booked the time off, put it in my office diary, emailed the secretary. For Friday, 27th of October. Of course, the 27th was yesterday and I missed the appointment.
Step 1 - admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable
This is just about as low as I’ve ever been. How could I get this important thing wrong, how on earth can I have let my life become this unmanageable?
I feel so selfish, self-absorbed and such a bad mother. I’m angry that this disease has sucked me in. I was supposed to be going to my first f2f last night, didn’t because the A isn’t doing well and wanted company. I’m screaming inside.
As it turns out, the person we had the appointment with is off sick and when he turned up with his dad they were turned away. There really is someone looking after me up there, and when I don’t deserve it to boot.
Thanks for listening.
J
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jane, please don't beat yourself up. I have done the same thing with days and dates - I work in recruitment, so getting the dates right for interviews is important too!
Your HP is definitely working for you - this is the wake up call you needed. You know what they say on planes - put your own oxygen mask on first, before you put one on your child. Please get yourself to a f2f meeting and let your A sort herself out.
Take care and don't have regrets. Forgive your mistakes, as long as you learn from them.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Your HP is definitely working for you - this is the wake up call you needed. You know what they say on planes - put your own oxygen mask on first, before you put one on your child. Please get yourself to a f2f meeting and let your A sort herself out.
Take care and don't have regrets. Forgive your mistakes, as long as you learn from them.
Love
Minnie
xxxx
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Jane,
Minnie is right. Don't beat yourself up for being unmanageable. You can't fix yourself overnight. You are moving in the right direction. It takes baby steps to get better. You are coming here, reaching out. You are willing to start f2f meetings. These are growth. No, it hasn't made everything fall in place. But it is getting better. Not as fast as we'd like, but it is.
Give yourself some credit for all you have accomplished. You have made some big strides towards recovery. Just keep making those baby steps, and you will see the magic happen. Hugs, Magic
Minnie is right. Don't beat yourself up for being unmanageable. You can't fix yourself overnight. You are moving in the right direction. It takes baby steps to get better. You are coming here, reaching out. You are willing to start f2f meetings. These are growth. No, it hasn't made everything fall in place. But it is getting better. Not as fast as we'd like, but it is.
Give yourself some credit for all you have accomplished. You have made some big strides towards recovery. Just keep making those baby steps, and you will see the magic happen. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
If it makes you feel better, I'll admit that over the years my priorities as I'd like them to be have gotten messed up due to the alcoholic in my life.
Despite our best intentions and efforts, sometimes it's just too easy to get sucked back into their life and we lose sight of our own direction.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all struggle. You now have the choice to get back up on that horse and try to ride again after you've fallen off. And hopefully you'll do just that. All we really ever can do is just hope for the best and give it our best.
Despite our best intentions and efforts, sometimes it's just too easy to get sucked back into their life and we lose sight of our own direction.
Don't be so hard on yourself. We all struggle. You now have the choice to get back up on that horse and try to ride again after you've fallen off. And hopefully you'll do just that. All we really ever can do is just hope for the best and give it our best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
bahookie - that alcohol vacuum suction is soooo strong sometimes, isn't it! you have made steps to recover. i too am making those baby steps. somedays i feel like i am spinning my wheels in recovery - i want bells, whistles and fireworks to prove i am making positive changes. but that's not what it is all about.
hang in and give yourself credit for even making the effort to change!
hugs - cwohio
hang in and give yourself credit for even making the effort to change!
hugs - cwohio
Binge poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
I truly appreciate all your kind words.
Should I even be trying to understand this disease? How it has sucked me in to this point? I'd even asked a very good friend to come along with me as moral support last night. He'd come half-way down the country for me, just to do this, and I haven't seen him or any other friends for months.
I just met him for lunch, and he tried to listen, tried to understand, but there's no identification there. He just thinks that my A is being "bad, not treating me right".
Lord knows it's taken me long enough to accept that much of my problem is me, so I shouldn't expect him to immediately get it!
I'm in a different place now than I was 6 months ago, and yes, it's taking too long!!! LOL But then when I look back I can see what's changed and that it's all good.
Maybe I did need this wake-up call. And maybe I should be thankful that it's been softened by a kindness.
Jeeze, I do feel like sh** though! But I'm a mum and I'm allowed, so there.
Was there any sense to all of that?
J
Should I even be trying to understand this disease? How it has sucked me in to this point? I'd even asked a very good friend to come along with me as moral support last night. He'd come half-way down the country for me, just to do this, and I haven't seen him or any other friends for months.
I just met him for lunch, and he tried to listen, tried to understand, but there's no identification there. He just thinks that my A is being "bad, not treating me right".
Lord knows it's taken me long enough to accept that much of my problem is me, so I shouldn't expect him to immediately get it!
I'm in a different place now than I was 6 months ago, and yes, it's taking too long!!! LOL But then when I look back I can see what's changed and that it's all good.
Maybe I did need this wake-up call. And maybe I should be thankful that it's been softened by a kindness.
Jeeze, I do feel like sh** though! But I'm a mum and I'm allowed, so there.
Was there any sense to all of that?
J
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
((((((((((((((((Jane))))))))))))))
Unless a persons life involves alcoholism, an "outsider" just can't get it.
You're not a bad mom. You're being too hard on yourself. This is all part of the disease to lose focus on the more important things in life. And it does suck. It's not fair that the disease takes our very being and puts all our attention on it. And the ones who need the help; i.e., us, our children, are neglected.
This happens to everyone. And it's damnable.
A lot of us have lived with the disease for so long, we're desperate to get better. Yesterday!!! But it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I think that's why they tell the A and us to take it one day at a time. Like you said, you can look back and see positive changes. Imagine if you weren't working a program and looked back. What do you think you'd see? Nothing.
Do you have a sponsor? I've heard people talk about theirs and they claim the sponsor is literally a life saver. Give it a thought if you don't have one.
Hugs and Blessings to you Jane,
Kathy
Unless a persons life involves alcoholism, an "outsider" just can't get it.
You're not a bad mom. You're being too hard on yourself. This is all part of the disease to lose focus on the more important things in life. And it does suck. It's not fair that the disease takes our very being and puts all our attention on it. And the ones who need the help; i.e., us, our children, are neglected.
This happens to everyone. And it's damnable.
A lot of us have lived with the disease for so long, we're desperate to get better. Yesterday!!! But it doesn't work like that unfortunately. I think that's why they tell the A and us to take it one day at a time. Like you said, you can look back and see positive changes. Imagine if you weren't working a program and looked back. What do you think you'd see? Nothing.
Do you have a sponsor? I've heard people talk about theirs and they claim the sponsor is literally a life saver. Give it a thought if you don't have one.
Hugs and Blessings to you Jane,
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: South
Posts: 63
Hugs to you!!!!!! BTDT a MILLION times. In the spring, I took our son (and was 8 months pregnant) and we stayed at my husband's parents' house for a week. They only live 20 minutes from us, but I just couldn't do it anymore. They were out of town, so it was very peaceful. However, AH managed to call almost every night after drinking and the day following the night that we went there, I had stayed up all night crying and couldn't even manage to get up and go to work the next day. Not only did I not go to work, my eyes were too swollen to leave the house. I didn't want to answer everyone's "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" questions. So, my 4 year old missed his Easter party at school. I will never forgive myself for that. Unmanageable? You bet your a**!
Binge poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 561
hey 
thank you thank you thank you.
You know, when my kids were first born and I was sitting there surrounded by mess and ironing, the midwife told me not to panic - this happens to everyone and everything doesn't have to be done today. I listened! This is different though, and yes, I'm taking it as a lesson,
I'm just back from a very big fun riding lesson I didn't even want to go to. I'm dragging myself out to do the good happy things and it's working.
No, Kathy, I don't have a sponsor. I think I will find one as soon as I make it to a f2f. Well, I'll have a good look round for one
jalacola - thanks for sharing that. I know exactly how you feel. There will be other Easter parties though, and I'm sure that you will make it to those. It's strange that we should hide away when that's the very time we should be reaching out.
Thank you for being there.
I'm off to wash the mud and smell of horse of me!
Thank you
Jane
xxx
thank you thank you thank you.
You know, when my kids were first born and I was sitting there surrounded by mess and ironing, the midwife told me not to panic - this happens to everyone and everything doesn't have to be done today. I listened! This is different though, and yes, I'm taking it as a lesson,
I'm just back from a very big fun riding lesson I didn't even want to go to. I'm dragging myself out to do the good happy things and it's working.
No, Kathy, I don't have a sponsor. I think I will find one as soon as I make it to a f2f. Well, I'll have a good look round for one
jalacola - thanks for sharing that. I know exactly how you feel. There will be other Easter parties though, and I'm sure that you will make it to those. It's strange that we should hide away when that's the very time we should be reaching out.
Thank you for being there.
I'm off to wash the mud and smell of horse of me!
Thank you
Jane
xxx
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Jane,
Getting to know myself was much more important to me than getting to know the disease. When I get sucked in, I have learned that there is something I am trying to get from the alcoholic in an unhealthy way. When I know what that is, I can work on getting what I need in a healthy way, and it alleviates the sucking.
One thing that sucks me in is thinking that I need to "fix" someone else's pain. I have to think about all the times someone tried to tell me what to do when I was younger. I often rebelled, whether they were right or not. I have always responded better to people when they tell me how they feel, and not what to do. I respect people who don't try to control me. If I take that and apply it to myself, it helps me to get along better. I have found that there are people who want my help. If I try to help people who want it, it makes me feel more useful.
That is just one example of how I can change an unhealthy behavior and get a need met in a healthy way. I still don't understand the disease. It is like understanding having cancer if you don't have it. I can feel compassion for the person, but I can't offer any experience or wisdom in the situation. I can only deal with how I respond to it.
I can recognize an invitation to get sucked in today. I know where my triggers are. I don't catch them all before I dive in, but I can catch most before I get way out there. Hugs, Magic
Getting to know myself was much more important to me than getting to know the disease. When I get sucked in, I have learned that there is something I am trying to get from the alcoholic in an unhealthy way. When I know what that is, I can work on getting what I need in a healthy way, and it alleviates the sucking.
One thing that sucks me in is thinking that I need to "fix" someone else's pain. I have to think about all the times someone tried to tell me what to do when I was younger. I often rebelled, whether they were right or not. I have always responded better to people when they tell me how they feel, and not what to do. I respect people who don't try to control me. If I take that and apply it to myself, it helps me to get along better. I have found that there are people who want my help. If I try to help people who want it, it makes me feel more useful.
That is just one example of how I can change an unhealthy behavior and get a need met in a healthy way. I still don't understand the disease. It is like understanding having cancer if you don't have it. I can feel compassion for the person, but I can't offer any experience or wisdom in the situation. I can only deal with how I respond to it.
I can recognize an invitation to get sucked in today. I know where my triggers are. I don't catch them all before I dive in, but I can catch most before I get way out there. Hugs, Magic
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
