Cak3

Hi,
I'm new to this community and just figuring out how to use this. A little background information. I was addicted to heroin, had my kids taken away from me. I went to treatment, got my life on track. I am currently 5 years clean. I have my kids back.

Tonight I was going through my mess of paperwork. I came across my packet from health and human services detailing why my kids got taken away. It also had all the stuff I did while working with CPS. It was very detailed on my drug abuse and how I would not see my kids. When I did see my kids I was high. After reading it, I'm a mess. I love my kids so much, I feel so disgusted that I even put them through what I did. I was so selfish. I have feelings of guilt, regret, and shame. I'm having a hard time stopping crying. I feel like I don't deserve the love from my kids. One day they will know all of this. I have a fear they may hate me for it. I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal this.
Thanks so much.

Berrybean

Hey Cak3.
Did you ever do a 12-step program as part of your recovery? If so, perhaps you could pick up on that recovery work again. If not, it's never too late to start working through that stuff. And when I say 'stuff' I tend to mean those feelings you're talking about.

You know, I don't know you, but it sounds from what you say that you sank pretty low. I have no idea what the statistics are for people recovering from heroin addiction once they get to that point, but I suspect that they're not pretty. And I suspect that your recovery needed a lot of hard work and committment on your part.

All of us here have sank pretty low, and we all lost various things and people - some permanantly and some temporarily. The one thing we all lost was our integrity though, and I think that's the thing that hurts the most. When I finally realised that I just couldn't trust myself to behave in line with my own conscience and moral code. That I'd become someone I hated.

Now I reckon that finding a bunch of papers out of the blue that detailed all that stuff that I did and said back then would have knocked me for six as well. But I suppose I'd have remember also how far I've come since then. And not many people manage that.

So. Congratulations on all you achieved over the last 5 years. Congratulations on being there for your kids today. And well done for reaching out.

*Hugs*

BB

PS Maybe see if there is an NA meeting nearby today

SoberVictor

Hey Cak3.
This has been an achievement, well done and you should be proud.
Your kids will love you for who you are to them right now. In many years when they can understand exactly what you’ve been through I think they will feel very special to know that your love for them got you to this point.
Victor

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome to you. I think Berrybean said it better than I can, but yes, finding something like what you did would put most of us in a bad space mentally. It is very painful to go back and think about what we did while drinking or using and to have it all there in black and white, full-on details would be tough to read. I do agree with her that one way to turn this around would be to focus on how far you have come. To read something like that and go back to that time you can clearly see what a bad place you were in, think of where you are now and the progress you have made.
Kids are very resilient. Our actions have consequences and I know that I did harm my children while drinking, but I also know that we are in a very good spot now and they love and trust me now. They turned the page rather quickly- much more quickly than the adults in my life. However, if I were to go back to drinking- or you to using- we would harm our kids again. They deserve every happy day we can give them and we can only give them happy days if we are sober, of that I am convinced.

Congratulations again on your recovery, I hope to see you around SR.

April75

Hi Cak3
Congratulations on the 5 years clean!!
I've been a long time lurker on this site and this is my first time posting, but your post really resonated with me and I felt like I had to respond. I've been in the exact same situation although my children remained in the 'system' as they had been away from me too long by the time I got myself clean. They are older now but I see them regularly and have a good relationship with them. I understand the all consuming feelings of guilt you carry with you but all I can say is try to focus on the here and now and how well you have done. It's takes a strong person to get through what you have and you should be very proud and your children will be too.

FreeOwl

One day your children may know some or all of the details of what you went through and what addiction did to you.

And one day they may also know how incredibly beautiful your recovery story is.... how blessed you and they are for your recovery.

Working on stepwork and / or getting connected to a good therapist to work on letting go of shame is something I’d suggest. We were different people in active addiction. That doesn’t excuse the things we did, but we need not carry that person we were along with us throughout our lives.

Congratulations on 5 years free from addiction. Keep at it, keep deepening your life. Rather than overcome these emotions, welcome them as signs pointing you to the areas of recovery you still have opportunity to grow and heal and transcend.

These stories of where we were and how far we’ve come will be gifts to our children one day. They will be opportunities to teach and lead and help them understand about addiction and recovery. They will be opportunities to be raw and honest and close to our children. They will be opportunities to show we are human and to show the way to deal with mistakes and failings through growth and faith and personal responsibility. Don’t fear these emotions or your past. Welcome the goodness they bring the the richness and depth of your life in the now.