NotReady2Die

I didn’t start drinking until I was 35 years old. Then I started drinking wine. It got pretty bad where I was drinking three bottles a night. Then I stopped and had two kids. So now I have been actively drinking for about eight or nine years. I managed to stay off alcohol approximately seven months. Then I had a big party where they had alcohol. I didn’t drink that night but the next night I went down and saw that alcohol and drank. I was again doing it all night. I would drink those strong sweet drinks like four Loco. I don’t remember how many I would drink a night. I think I got to three. I wrecked my car once and someone saw me followed me home and sent the police. I was lucky that night, but I know now that God saved me a lot of times. I have now become a binge drinker. I go on 5 to 7 day binges. I can drink a fifth of vodka a night. I’ve been hospitalized probably five times. All alcohol related. I don’t know what it is with me I’ll get angry and I’ll go get drunk. I’m definitely had it for the grave or jail. I also abuse prescription drugs opioids, but I never mix the two. I might drink five days, abuse a supply of opioids for 10 days. The rest of the month I survive with Kratom. However I don’t binge with liquor every month. I never ask for my opioids to be filled early, but I know they look at me. I just came off a binge. I believe the opioids Help with withdrawals. I have severe anxiety, insomnia, some visual distortions (minor) and hearing humming. It usually lasts two or three days (five for the insomnia and anxiety. My problem, I can’t do rehab, AA or anything public. If I did rehab, I’d have to self-pay and not involve insurance. That’s hard as I have no one to watch my kids. Trust me those are not options, so don’t mention them. I’d lose my job immediately and then my insurance, so I wouldn’t be able to do rehab anyway. I’m looking into AA (online) and doing some work, meditation and meeting with people for support. Anyway, hello all!

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, NotReady2Die. I'm glad you found us here.

Downthepath

You will find a lot of help and support on here NotReady2Die. From your initial post, it would appear that SR is a good fit for you. It was golden for me.
Good luck

littlefish

Here's a question: what kind of worker are you? Do you plan a job, prepare for it and then perform the job in steps or phases? If so, you can do the same with recovery. You can start your sober journey without paid for rehab by investigating outpatient options and free programs. There are options. Finding those options is the first part of the job.
The second part is getting into action: go to a meeting, whatever kind of meeting, AA or non AA, it doesn't really matter, the point is getting to a meeting. And....they are not public. There is a strict code of anonymity. At those meetings you will start hear what people say and start learning about how to get sober. And you won't be alone.
Getting sober can be done, it is being done everyday by people everywhere. But to get sober, you have to get started...good luck, it can really happen!

Meraviglioso

Hello and welcome to you, I am really glad you found us. It sounds like you are deep in your addictions and really need to get out. It truly is possible but you need to be willing to make some major changes to your life and do things that make you uncomfortable. It is not always an easy or happy process to quit alcohol and drugs, but in the end it is worth it.
From what you describe you are very much risking your life and I would encourage you to stop focussing on what you cannot do and start focussing on what you can do. May people here (I was one of them) start out saying "I can't do rehab, I can't do AA, I an't do this that or the other" We are talking about your life here. Your life. If your initial efforts are not successful (and I dearly hope they are for you!) I do hope you will then consider other options, you have to be willing to make every effort.

For now, focus on what you CAN do:
You mentioned online meetings, that is great!
Get an online sponsor
Check in here to SR regularly
meditation
Rid your house of all alcohol and drugs
Speak to your doctor about your need to quit both alcohol and drugs
Ask your doctor to discontinue your prescription for opioids
Exercise
Eat healthy

What else can you add to this list?

We are all here for you, reach out anytime1

SnazzyDresser

Hi, NotReady2Die! Great name you got there, that says it all. All the best to you as you figure put a way to put the drinking behind you. SR helped me quit, it can help you too. There's a lot to live for!