andy1

Hi All.

I've been reading stories for a while. I realise that I have a problem with drinking. I'm more of a binge drink than an every day drinker. It wasn't too much of a problem in my 20s. I could stay out til 3am, have lots to drink and still make work the next day. But now I'm 40. It's not as easy.

I drink 3 times a week, occasionally stay up late drinking, and often pass out rather than fall asleep. I don't really get hungover, but I've had problems with depression, and drinking just makes it worse. I work from home and I'm always up by 9 ready for work, but sometimes I feel so depressed, that I struggle to concentrate on doing anything.

I had a problem with gambling addiction, and a diary / journal has really helped. It took 9 months, but I am in a much better place than I was then and a diary, and the support of a forum have been crucial.

I actually believe that, at least for me, things don't just happen over night. I don't feel ready to just wake up tomorrow and say i'll never drink again. However, I want and need things to start improving. For years I've been giving up on a Monday and been drinking again by Wednesday and I haven't felt like I'm moving forwards at all. I am prepared for a struggle. I'm ready to keep getting on the wagon if I fall off, and I know that in a few months I'll look back, proud of the number of sober days I've put together. There are things I need to put in place - I need to meet people who are more healthy, who's social life doesn't revolve around the pub, I need to go to AA, I need to get some hobbies to keep me occupised in the evenings so I don't resort back to drink. I'm looking forwards to a journey to better health, better happiness. I want to post back regular updates on this thread, and use the forums for support when I need it most. Any advice happily received. Good luck all.

Andy.

Anna

You're right, recovery doesn't happen overnight. In fact, for me, it's a lifelong journey.

The tricky thing with alcoholism is that it's very, very hard to cut back/taper/change things slowly. I think most of us here have tried that route numerous times, only to discover things are actually getting worse. For alcoholics, it's easier to just stop drinking. The lifestyle changes you talk about would be a great support for your recovery.

doggonecarl

At some point you'll have to put down the drink. For good. If not tomorrow, when? Every day you put off sobriety is a day you give yourself permission to drink.

andy1

The problem is on at least a monthly basis, I've tried to give up 100%, and every single time i've believed myself, but I've come to realise that I rarely go over 4 or 5 days. I know inside that this is a journey, and that without doing something different this time and building on a solid base , this time will be just the same.

I'm also done with being harsh and despising myself for drinking. I've had internal conflict in my mind for years and self-hate has done me no good. I want to rediscover what really makes me happy - I've started guitar and painting lessons, and don't think of drink when I'm occupied. At least I feel I've made the first step of admitting I have a problem and posting here. Looking forwards to learning from people experienced in sobriety here.

Gabe1980

Hi Andy. Thank you for posting. I get where you are coming from. I'm still in the early stages and have been trying to get back on track after a relapse a couple of weeks ago. I have drank once now in two months, which is better than I've achieved without meds before. I had to change my reaction to my episodes of binge drinking. I'd drink, hate myself, make promises, try then fail, hate myself some more. I'm still working on my perspective and trying to be a friend myself. You are right, it takes time and effort to change things. I need to have compassion for myself during the process. I understand that not saying 'I will never drink again' can leave the door open to drink but I get how overwhelming it is to try and do that in the early days. It feels like it 's too much. I prefer the 'I'm not drinking today'. I feel that's enough. Great job too finding new hobbies and things you enjoy. My plans includes some exercise, meditation and recovery reading too. I'll look for your posts

teatreeoil007

Andy...that part you wrote about hating and despising yourself...yes, I'd say that probably contributes to your depression as well as drinking...learning to love yourself...well, that's a journey...remember that God loves you even if you don't feel loved and even if you don't love yourself...and remember that people love you...they don't always show it.

Are there negative people out there? Absolutely. Are there people who should not say anything at all if they can't say something constructive and/or positive? Absolutely. Are there people that we get "vibes" from that they don't like us? Absolutely. Do listen to your gut...it's usually right...but then tell yourself over and over again until you believe it: "I'm not going to personalize this or take it in and let it join in on my internal dialogue that already puts me down. I am a beautiful and good person who is doing the best I can. I am loved."

Are there situations and people and atmospheres we need to limit? Absolutely. Know what those things are and try not to be around them. There is always going be "Negative Nellies" in life whether it's at work or socially, at church, at the store...anywhere...Do some meditation and imagine you are putting a shield around yourself to deflect some of that. Pray about it. I believe in angels and the power of angels and I believe we can pray to have angles help us in this thing called life.

Andante

I've found that there are very few absolutes in recovery but one I've found to be true is that in order to stop drinking, first you must stop drinking.

Recovery may be a journey, but quitting drinking is an event -- an event which, I found, had to happen first before I could make any meaningful progress in recovery.

My self-esteem took a beating every time I resumed drinking after swearing off, too, but the solution wasn't to condone prolonging the drinking, it was to eliminate it as a possibility. The kindest and most compassionate thing I ever did for myself was to make the decision that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink -- and then do whatever it took to make sure my priorities stayed in that order.

Dee74

Welcome back Andy

Don't let your addiction dictate the terms - commit each day one day at a time in the beginning if you need to, but you absolutely can quit for good.

I don't think its the quitting for good that drives us back to drinking - it's the lack of a decent plan, too few changes, or too little support.

Hobbies are great as part of a plan but keeping busy alone won;t keep you sober - noone can be busy 24/7.

Focus on what you'll do when you want to drink as well. Address the problem rather than the symptoms?.

This is a good start:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D

jryan19982

Don't worry about what you are going to do the rest of your life. Take care of today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Don't jump ahead of yourself. You can't make it a forever decision as that sounds like you are still longing for it. Just say you won't drink today and be done with it.

andy1

Nearly 2 months since I first posted on this thread. Time for an update.

I've been drinking for the last few months. I intended to give up on the 1st January. I went 5 days but then started drinking on the Friday. It's taught me that this is going to be hard at first. I have always known this will be a journey for me but I'm staying in sober-recovery for the long run.

I don't think I was quite ready to stop when I started this thread, but I think that it was important that I made a commitment to giving up. I'm getting frustrated and wondering if I'll ever be able to post like others on here having been 12 months+ sober.

I've now accepted some truths (I've never called myself an alcoholic before, but I recognise I am one now. I've also looked through the 12 steps, and I've finally admitted that I'm powerless over alcohol, and cannot control my drinking), and I feel ready to put all my energies into giving up. The addiction can be so strong, and I don't think I could be successful unless I'm 100% committed, and I make it the most important thing in my life to get sober.

I've been 3 days drink-free again now. I'm kind of expecting the next few months to be bumpy, but I hope to stay reading stories on sober-recovery and keep getting back on the wagon if I do fall, I'm going to an A-A meeting next Sunday as I realise I need support from people who've been there before. A bit nervous about it, but looking forwards to it too. Andy.

Gottalife

I owe my life to AA. It worked when nothing else did, and it has kept working. I have learned a few things along the way. One of those was a saying, stick with the winners. I found there were two types of people in AA. One group you mentioned above, those that have "been there". That is a great qualification for getting some identification going, it is good experience to let the newcomer know we know what it means to be alcoholic. There is a big number in AA who have never got past this point, they have been there, and they keep going back there, so to speak.

There is another group who have been and are there in terms of recovery. They have experienced the Power of God (your understanding) and the steps,
and their lives have changed dramatically, often as in my case, over night. That is the miracle of it. The doctor's opinion talks about seemingly doomed individuals sudenly able to easily control their desire to drink.

That happened to me, I sought out the winners and did what they did and no one was more surprised than me that I made three months sober, with no serious thought of a drink. Although I was unaware at the start because I thought there was no hope for me, the effect of diving into the AA program and following a few simple suggestions was quite sudden. Having the desire to drink removed as the result of the steps, certainly makes life generlly much simpler.

I was a binge drinker too, so dry spells were not to hard to achieve, I just could not stay that way.A lot of the time I found myself drinking again having completely forgotten all the reasons I shouldn't. A strange mental blank spot if you like. A defence against that first drink was the priority, and it didnt seem it would come from me or any other human power. But now I have one that has worked 24/7 for many years, no matter what.

doggonecarl

Why wait. Bet there is a meeting somewhere tonight!

You say you are now committed to your decision to quit. Great. Now do everything in your power to support that decision.

andy1

Hello diary,....and all.

I just wanted to check in to my journal, and write down a few thoughts to get them a bit straighter in my mind. I tried to give up drinking in January, but only lasted a week. Since then, I became very good at giving up - I gave up most mornings, and then was usually drinking at 6pm again.

I'm now 14 days sober, and am not having too bad cravings at the moment, and I'm confident of keeping this going. It was so difficult giving up, and I don't want to go through it again. I used to be able to give up for a month regularly, and drinking wasn't really an issue until a couple of years ago, but now I'm 40, drinking became far too much of a habit that was difficult to break, and I can't recover like I used to.

What's really helping my sobriety, is that the pool / billiards season has finished. All winter, I was in the pub twice a week and I was around my drinking buddies. I haven't been in a pub since I gave up and it's easier with the temptation removed. I'm a little nervous

I have a couple of friends who've given up too who are giving me some inspiration and support. One of them told me to contact him if I ever do feel like drinking. And I'm gradually building more healthy relationships - meeting people who go running / meditate and don't drink or drink very little. I'm going to a music festival that I'm a little nervous about, but my friend who's been 3 years sober is going so we should be able to support each other.

I'm still not sure I want to give up "forever". At the moment, I'm saying "I'm taking a break from drinking at the moment as I wasn't enjoying it". I guess that helps me a little to take one day at a time. I only need to keep sober for one day, and then keep that going the next day right.

Anyway, I'm still in early stages of sobriety. Still feels like I'm building my sober life and fixing some of the things that got broken by my drunkenness......but I'm cautiously optmistic about the next few months ahead. Andy.