Sinderos

Last time I posted I was all set on having my first sober day. I had someone who I thought was going to help me that first night. However, you can’t rely on someone with their own addiction issues to be of help. (I should have known.) He suggested he was stressed and could really use a drink. That’s all it took. A reason to drink.

So here I am. Still drinking and have been embarrassed to come back. The “friend” isn’t really around now so he won’t be a hinderance. I need to get the motivation back and not let the past failures weigh me down. That’s hard to do.

I’m tired. So tired. I just want this alcohol addiction to end. I know it’ll never go away though. I’m just so very tired of the constant struggle.

Jules714

It took me several tries. This is not something you can do with out medical supervision. No, a fellow addict/alcoholic who is still active is not of any use.
You have to do this safely for yourself, by yourself. While on the hampster wheel of actively drinking/dreaming of quitting it seems hopeless. I recommend surrounding yourself with fellow alcoholics who are sober. AA or whatever works for you. It also requires perserverence. You have to go through the cravings and uncomfortability. It does get easier, but not instantly. It really comes down to being done with it and not picking up a drink. I found it helpful to only look at the day ahead of me. Nit yesterday, not tomorrow. Just for today.
You can do this and you will never regret being sober!
GL
Jules

entropy1964

Hi Sinderos

Glad you came back.

I know you have said over and over that treatment is out of the question. Have you considered AA women's meetings? They are a great place for same sex support, which I think is key. I've seen a pattern of dysfunctional men in your 'support' network and that doesn't seem to be working?

I know I have to be willing to go to any lengths to get and remain sober. And frankly my drinking is so catastrophic that I really don't have any choice but to be sober. Drink and there is only jails, institutions or death for me. Pure and simple. It doesn't sound like you have that gift of desperation yet. But you don't have to wait until you do. You can accept that alcoholism is progressive. Maybe you aren't at your bottom 'yet'. But you can make this your bottom if you are willing to do as others suggest to you.

Good luck.

Sinderos

It seems the men I attract have addiction issues. There is only one man in my life who is just a friend. He’s not helping me though. I’m coming to realize he isn’t really a friend. Not a true friend anyway.

There aren’t any women’s AA meetings at a time I can go. I am going to attend some meetings and try to get a good support system there.

I really don’t want this life. I’m so tired of it. I’ve been battling with myself this morning about not drinking tonight. Trying to get a plan together so I will stay away from it. I just need to make it one day without it. Just today. 😢

doggonecarl

The addiction doesn't go away, but the struggle does. You just have to get enough sober time under your belt to realize that. I understand the struggle and how it weighs on you. But everybody who has gotten sober and remains so went through the same struggle. Your struggles are no harder. That means you can get through them.

Sinderos

Thank you. That is very encouraging.

Hawkeye13

It really does get easier with time Sinderos

The first weeks / months can be tough, but persist and keep at it
and you will find joy and peace in being sober.

What is your current plan for recovery and building a new sober life?
Stopping drinking is only step one--let your dreams come back

Sinderos

My plan for today is to go to an AA meeting and take it one day at a time. In the short term, I will go to meetings when I can. I’m going to attempt to build a support group of sober people. Right now the only people I know or associate with are drinkers.

D122y

Sind,

I loved myself enough to know I didn't want to go out being a drunk.

Most of us have the means to drink ourselves insane.

Once i was ready to stop for good....I knew it.

I have suffered harder than I can explain.

The physical torture I put myself through at the gym is what changed my chemistry.

This change...imo.... adjusted me enough that I made it out before I needed other means or relapsed.

Exercise is currently my new drug.

I quit coffee about a week ago because my bp was tipping the scale periodically.

Pretty sure that was dragging healing out.

As well, I realized my salt intake was too much. I believe I was routinely consuming 2 to 3x the recommendation of 2300 MG daily.

That and the coffee will cause some anxiety and crazy feelings for sure.

Like the Eagles song goes...you have to go through hell before you get to heaven.

I believe when you are really ready, you will know it. I only hope you are ready before you do too much damage to you health to recover.

There is also the potential for drunk behavior causing terrible consequences.

Sind i really pray for you because I feel now that we are educated about this drug thing, the mental burden of each relapse must weigh heavier each time.

I like your plan.

I pretty much avoid drinkers unless trapped. That is what I believe non drinkers do.

I can still be friends w them, but I know they are dancing w trouble. Drinkers and Normies don't get us non drinkers...and that really is their problem.

Thanks.

Stronger2017

Hi Sinderos. I’m really sorry to hear things didn’t work out how you wanted. That’s good news you’ve ditched the “friend” though. Have you considered some counseling? I know it’s probably not so useful advice but it has been helping me a bit. Take care and I’m thinking of you🙂

Ps. Good idea about AA. Lots of healthy, sober folks there to learn from.

Sinderos

I believe I am ready. I’m so tired of living like this. I’m sick of wondering if I texted someone something I will regret. I’m tired of waking up fuzzy headed and dragging. Mostly I’m tired of being a slave to the bottle. I’m not living. I merely exist. The fun has long been over.

ScottFromWI

It's crucial that you believe this Sinderos, because you are the only one who can actually make it happen.

Getting sober is not easy, but it really boils down to a very simple choice. If you are tired of living like this, then right now - this minute - you have the power to make it stop. It's 100% your call.

Hawkeye13

That's a great start, but an AA meeting is just an hour or so a day.

What about planning out your day hour by hour so you don't have long periods of empty time which might be tempting?

Support yourself with baby steps here--

ScottFromWI

On this note, you might want to simply consider not starting any new relationships at all for a while. For one thing, relationships are difficult even if you leave your addiction out of the picture. Trying to figure out a new relationship on top of addiction is a recipe for disaster many times. And it's very common for addicts to seek out other addicts - it's a perfect excuse to help us stay actively drinking.

The other thing you need to remember is that there is no one out there who can "fix" your addiction issues. Sure, they can support you but if you don't do the work yourself it doesn't really matter. Getting sober is all about fixing ourselves - and you can absolutely do so.

columbus

Just a thought:

Do you think that "Feeling like a failure"

could be a precursor to your problem?

A pre-existing belief that subconsciously controls your outcome?

Forward12

Excuses are a dime a dozen and you can't rely on unreliable friends as a reason.
AA is always there, be it a mixed meeting or not, that will be a solid foundation of support. You can also go to an addiction therapist as well if you feel that will be a good route. Though in the end it all comes down to ourselves to do the heavy lifting to get ourselves out of the alcohol mess.

Sinderos

Hawkeye, I’m working until 4 pm today so I’m good until then. I’m going to a 5:30 aa meeting then taking it 15 minutes at a time. For today I can’t even take it an hour at a time.

Scott, I have no intention of starting any relationships any time soon. I also will not make new friendships with anyone with an active addiction.

Sinderos

Columbus, I don’t feel like a failure in general. I’ve actually accomplished a lot in my professional life despite my drinking. I feel like a failure for not quitting.

ScottFromWI

You still have a chance to change that fortunately, right?

FreeOwl

You can do it.

One thing that helped me was to shift my focus from the life I didn't want to the life I DID want.

We tend to continue attracting what we strongly resist. It's odd, but it's a pattern I've seen in my own life and that of many others.

When I began to envision the man I WANTED to be, the positives of sobriety, the things and the people and the experiences I wanted to infuse my life, the character I wanted to embody, the storyline I wanted my life to be about.... a shift happened.

When I let go of "I HAVE to", "I CANT keep....", "I've GOT to STOP'.... and instead embraced:

"I AM a sober man...."
"I AM a man of integrity and character and trust and goodness"
"My life is valueable and cherished and worthy"
"I am there for others and care for myself"
"I live a meaningful, abundant life"
"My life has purpose and joy and richness"
"I am present, aware, conscious"

All of these things began to guide me and shape me and - importantly - were simply incompatible with drugs and alcohol.

These sort of statements and visions led my focus in each day to be on the progress I could make and the actions I could take which were consistent with those visions.

Some days it was hard. Some days it felt fake. But even on those days it was so much better than continuing to dreadfully think about how badly I wanted to NOT have this life, how badly I HAD to STOP.... How awful I felt.

You can do this, and life is wonderful in sobriety.