An overexamined life? Also, hello :)
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: An unnamed road between heart and head
Posts: 1
An overexamined life? Also, hello :)
A gentle greeting to you all.
I am actually an erstwhile lurker on these forums, but I've long since forgotten my login details (my apologies to the moderators for creating clutter).
I come here in a dubious but good humoured spirit, or possibly in a good humoured but dubious spirit, having been overexamining my life (talking therapies, religion, Tony Robbins-esque self help, twelve step programs, etc.) for a while now.
And all the while, my addictions persist. I seem so far to have learned how to use recovery tools to feed them rather than control them. And I am seasick with the wild up-and-down of motivation.
My recurring complaint in the twelve step rooms: I know how to do what I want, but not want what I want.
My recurring complaint/question in private, when I try to break this problem down into manageable chunks: which thing first?
As yet, neither have been straightforward to answer and act on, and I hope to talk about it with you - hopefully without testing your patience too sorely - in time. Meanwhile, here I am, fey and shaky but hopeful after a strange Halloween, starting day one again, and wishing everybody here well with their recovery today.
***********************
Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna: Well, then - it's the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it's perfect.
Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life? Big questions, big decisions! Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.
Susanna: [very upset and uncomfortable] Is that it?
Dr. Wick: For now.
~ from the film "Girl, Interrupted" (1999)
I am actually an erstwhile lurker on these forums, but I've long since forgotten my login details (my apologies to the moderators for creating clutter).
I come here in a dubious but good humoured spirit, or possibly in a good humoured but dubious spirit, having been overexamining my life (talking therapies, religion, Tony Robbins-esque self help, twelve step programs, etc.) for a while now.
And all the while, my addictions persist. I seem so far to have learned how to use recovery tools to feed them rather than control them. And I am seasick with the wild up-and-down of motivation.
My recurring complaint in the twelve step rooms: I know how to do what I want, but not want what I want.
My recurring complaint/question in private, when I try to break this problem down into manageable chunks: which thing first?
As yet, neither have been straightforward to answer and act on, and I hope to talk about it with you - hopefully without testing your patience too sorely - in time. Meanwhile, here I am, fey and shaky but hopeful after a strange Halloween, starting day one again, and wishing everybody here well with their recovery today.
***********************
Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna: Well, then - it's the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it's perfect.
Dr. Wick: Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what worlds? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susanna. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? Are they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life? Big questions, big decisions! Not surprising you profess carelessness about them.
Susanna: [very upset and uncomfortable] Is that it?
Dr. Wick: For now.
~ from the film "Girl, Interrupted" (1999)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hi Clair
Welcome.
Ah yes, the over-thinker, over-analyzer, over-therapizer. If I could just 'understand' myself, my addiction, I could then conquer it through my higher thinking and enlightenment. Not so much.
See, for me, my addiction is primal. It doesn't respond to enlightenment, or logic, or therapy. It responds to base, reactionary, 'feed me now' thinking. That's about it. While looking at the causes and conditions of my character defects is important, it isn't the solution.
My addiction is a spiritual malady for which there is a spiritual solution. Logic does not apply. Faith, surrender, acceptance and willingness do. And believe me, I fight this every step of the way. 5 steps forward, two steps back and so on. But at the end of the day I do what I do because I'm an addict. That's all that really matters.
Frankly the less I think about the 'why' and the more I accept the fact that I cannot consume alcohol, no matter what, the easier this 'thing' gets. Think about it. Who here hasn't spent hours upon hours puzzling over 'how' to treat this 'thing'. Its really simple. Don't drink. It isn't easy however. I just know now that all my over thinking was an effort to control my drinking, my life and everything around me. Control is an illusion.
Welcome.
Ah yes, the over-thinker, over-analyzer, over-therapizer. If I could just 'understand' myself, my addiction, I could then conquer it through my higher thinking and enlightenment. Not so much.
See, for me, my addiction is primal. It doesn't respond to enlightenment, or logic, or therapy. It responds to base, reactionary, 'feed me now' thinking. That's about it. While looking at the causes and conditions of my character defects is important, it isn't the solution.
My addiction is a spiritual malady for which there is a spiritual solution. Logic does not apply. Faith, surrender, acceptance and willingness do. And believe me, I fight this every step of the way. 5 steps forward, two steps back and so on. But at the end of the day I do what I do because I'm an addict. That's all that really matters.
Frankly the less I think about the 'why' and the more I accept the fact that I cannot consume alcohol, no matter what, the easier this 'thing' gets. Think about it. Who here hasn't spent hours upon hours puzzling over 'how' to treat this 'thing'. Its really simple. Don't drink. It isn't easy however. I just know now that all my over thinking was an effort to control my drinking, my life and everything around me. Control is an illusion.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I make my living via thinking, so I truly get where you are coming from.
Theory is worth little unless applicable to practice, in my view.
Thus, the first chunk is the physical quitting.
You can "frame" it as it builds and you are able to step back from the subjectivity
of addiction in which has you seeing through a glass, or in this case a bottle, darkly.
The abstract "why quit" of quitting was a post post thing I engaged
when I had ground through the first few months of physical recovery.
My thinking began to clear and sharpen, and I quit trying to rationalize all my pain
and just allowed it to be, and to be with it.
My bottom-up approach:
Get detoxed from the drink--I just quit, which isn't smart--
see a doctor and get some support there to be safe as withdrawal is dangerous.
I supported my health with excellent nutrition, joined a gym,
hiked daily in Nature, started doing yoga,
took up guitar again after years away, and oddly enough,
I engaged my monkey mind when it was spinning out of control
by working table top puzzles, which distracted me and soothed
the frenetic brain until the craving / obsession passed.
A short course of cognitive therapy helped my identify triggers
and gave me a place to process the many feelings I had suppressed with
booze
What kinds of immediate actions might you take to directly deal with simply not picking up another drink from now on?
Writing them down in a post and getting feedback would be a great starting point.
You can do this Clair--glad you chose to post--that's already a beginning, I think--
Theory is worth little unless applicable to practice, in my view.
Thus, the first chunk is the physical quitting.
You can "frame" it as it builds and you are able to step back from the subjectivity
of addiction in which has you seeing through a glass, or in this case a bottle, darkly.
The abstract "why quit" of quitting was a post post thing I engaged
when I had ground through the first few months of physical recovery.
My thinking began to clear and sharpen, and I quit trying to rationalize all my pain
and just allowed it to be, and to be with it.
My bottom-up approach:
Get detoxed from the drink--I just quit, which isn't smart--
see a doctor and get some support there to be safe as withdrawal is dangerous.
I supported my health with excellent nutrition, joined a gym,
hiked daily in Nature, started doing yoga,
took up guitar again after years away, and oddly enough,
I engaged my monkey mind when it was spinning out of control
by working table top puzzles, which distracted me and soothed
the frenetic brain until the craving / obsession passed.
A short course of cognitive therapy helped my identify triggers
and gave me a place to process the many feelings I had suppressed with
booze
What kinds of immediate actions might you take to directly deal with simply not picking up another drink from now on?
Writing them down in a post and getting feedback would be a great starting point.
You can do this Clair--glad you chose to post--that's already a beginning, I think--
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, analysis paralysis. The scary thing is that alcohol and other addictions just reinforce those neural pathways of repetition.
Create new habits.
Don't pick up a drink today. Go to bed sober.
ps. Love "Girl, Interrupted" and Clair de Lune
Create new habits.
Don't pick up a drink today. Go to bed sober.
ps. Love "Girl, Interrupted" and Clair de Lune
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
you know what I found when I found that overthinking, examining, analyzing wasn't really doing any good?
I found that I'd never actually made a CHOICE to embrace sobriety.
I'd never actually DECIDED that I wanted a sober life, free of addiction.
It took an active choice. Analysis, examination, thinking and reflecting... self-help and all the rest of it are simply great forms of rationale and smoke-screening if we've never actually DECIDED that we will embrace and pursue and live SOBER.
I found that I'd never actually made a CHOICE to embrace sobriety.
I'd never actually DECIDED that I wanted a sober life, free of addiction.
It took an active choice. Analysis, examination, thinking and reflecting... self-help and all the rest of it are simply great forms of rationale and smoke-screening if we've never actually DECIDED that we will embrace and pursue and live SOBER.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
...addictions just reinforce those neural pathways of repetition.
Bix’s AV: “oh, my dear Bix, do you find yourself in an intellectual or emotional conundrum? How fascinating and challenging! Well, let’s have a drink then and think some more. Good dog.”
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