LoneWolf04

Hi All, I am back on the relapse train unfortunately.. Last week I really managed to pull it off (white-knuckled it on the Sunday 22nd Oct, and slipped the next Saturday). I can't get my head around the fact that when I break the cycle, everything seems to feel in place almost, and sobriety seems like completely do-able and logical. Then comes the dreaded slip which puts me back into a dark place where I am almost scared to not drink in order to get through the day.... Can anyone relate? Is it possible to break this cycle for good? Or is it literally, just a one-day-at-a-time thing for the rest of my life? I'm trying to find a way to live one day at a time but the problem is, I feel I also need something to look forward to in the future.. its all like walking on thin ice

Orly

Totally relate and have felt the same. I’ve just taken the first step to try to stop drinking for good, after many many tries. I’ve gone weeks and months sober, punctuated by days of heavy drinking. Each time the relapse felt like a ‘valve’ that released the tension and anxiety, providing a weird sense of relief. Then shame then resolve then back to trying again.

I’m only on Day One and already scared of not drinking. Walking on the ice, too, friend. Stay strong.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like you've realized "white knuckling" just doesn't work for long.

What plans to you have in place for recovery, and not just "not drinking"?

I had to rebuild my life as a sober person by filling my life with sober, empowering activities and self-care.

I priortized things like eating well, daily exercise, including hikes in Nature, doing a short round of weekly therapy to deal with underlying issues.

I kept a journal, started playing guitar, read books, joined a gym, etc.

I also stopped hanging around other drunks and did not engage toxic people.

Now, being sober is "normal" and I don't even think about drinking most days.

Life is what you make it--happy sobriety doesn't just happen as a result
of not drinking, but by actively creating the life you want bit by bit.
It's hard in the beginning but so worth it.

You can do it

entropy1964

Hi Lonewolf

Yes I believe I understand exactly how you feel. I think your feelings are at the core of addiction. Fighting.

My sense of calm and peace are directly proportionate to my level of surrender. If I'm completely accepting that I cannot drink no matter what, life is much easier. The only way for me to stay in acceptance is to work a program of recovery. I work AA but there are others.

I try to see my daily commitment to recovery in the same light as I would see any good discipline. I work out daily....but I don't sit around and ponder the weight of working out daily, or view it as some kind of life sentence. It just is.....its necessary for my good health. I eat healthy daily. I take supplements daily. I clean my house, pay my bills, clean up my yard (and rake a crap ton of leaves ) daily. I try to be grateful daily, thank 'god' daily. Tell my daughter I love her daily. And don't drink daily. If I accept, it does not seem like a ball and chain.

Not drinking is about as foreign to my little brain's programming as it can get. It takes time (apparently lots of it). I have been sober up to a couple of years and its still the same....a daily reprieve from drinking. But I know the longer I abstain, improve myself (work on my 'issues') and build my connection to my higher power and other addicts in recovery, the more natural being sober will be. I have to have faith.

LoneWolf04

Thanks all.. I feel a little bit better, definitely need to 'fill' all this space with activities to reinforce the sobriety and help me stay stopped.. its just the anxiety that gets me a lot of the time, need to just get comfortable with living one day at a time I guess.. I've always been one to think a lot about what might happen, what will happen, etc etc.. hence the anxiety...

tomsteve

one day at a time was way too long for me early one. some days i had to go down to one hour at a time. some days down to one minute at a time. some days one second at a time.
eventually,as i worked on myself, the mental obsession lifted.
i still stay sober one day at a time. i cant stay sober today with yesterdays sobriety not tomorrows.
i found that future trippin- lookin at what might happen tomorrow- wastes valuable time today and wasnt effective in helping me recover.
i hope one of the activities ya fill space with is a program/plan to treat the alcoholism.

columbus

"Can anyone relate?"

Yep.


"Is it possible to break this cycle for good?"

Yep.

Sammie7

I can totally relate. Sunday is the day I can white knuckle it and get through decent periods of sobriety. If I break it mid week i just go into a horrific cycle of drinking when I get home from work 2pm and basically drink, temporarily feel better and then wake up feeling horrendous anxiety and just existing until my next drink. It's like being in a prison of my own making. I am really trying but obviously not hard enough. I am a member of various forums and have attended a few aa meetings but nothing is totally stopping me even though I hate it. My biggest deterrent was my daughter as she hated it and somehow I managed to stay sober most of the time. She is now at university and things have gone down hill. She will obviously move on so I need to find my own strength out of this horrendous addiction x

gettingsmarter

Hey Lonewolf

It is absolutely possible to break the pattern. I had relapse after relapse until I really finally decided I was done done ( I was a drink till passing out every night for 15 years drinker). I made the decision that I was never drinking again. I took the the option of drinking out of the picture. Alcohol would never touch my lips again no matter what.

Becoming a better person has become my goal. I have 2.5 years now and love being sober.