Does It Ever Get Easier
Does It Ever Get Easier
I'm truly suffering right now. Just Sunday I found out that my now Ex-boyfriend had moved in with with a recovering addict that he met in rehab a year ago. I thought we were doing well and finally making plans to see one another and see where we stood since he had gotten out of rehab just a month ago after being in for 3 months. The day before he moved in with her, he was still telling me that he loved me more than anything and I was the love of his life. It hurts to know that everything was a lie about how he felt about me and that it was just some game to him. It was almost like he enjoyed hurting me. He didn't have the decency to tell me that he was moving in with her. It hurts to know that he is sharing his life with someone else and telling her the same things that he has told me for the past 5 years. I can not imagine him not being a part of my life anymore. He begged me and begged me to let him come back and live with me, but he continued to still put doubt in my mind because he still spoke of using. I'm lost without him and I love him so very much. I wish all these thoughts, memories, tears, and heartache would just go away. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It feels like a death to me and there is an empty place in my heart that I feel I will never get back. I feel in my heart that he is gone forever. It hurts to know that she get's the best of him ,now that he is sober and I never had the chance to experience that. I am so broken and it hurts like hell.
Hi, chambers.
Welcome. Very sorry for your situation.
The short answer to your question is, yes, it gets easier.
Time heals.
The process is not without pain and sadness, but the day does come when the hurt just isn't there anymore.
Your SO is an addict, and he is following the addict’s playbook: keep the ones who love you around because you might need them to help you keep on being an addict.
Really, truly, consider this a gift. He is now showing you who he is, and it ain’t pretty.
Grieve the end of the relationship. Take the time. Take care of yourself and, when you are ready, move on.
Peace,
Welcome. Very sorry for your situation.
The short answer to your question is, yes, it gets easier.
Time heals.
The process is not without pain and sadness, but the day does come when the hurt just isn't there anymore.
Your SO is an addict, and he is following the addict’s playbook: keep the ones who love you around because you might need them to help you keep on being an addict.
Really, truly, consider this a gift. He is now showing you who he is, and it ain’t pretty.
Grieve the end of the relationship. Take the time. Take care of yourself and, when you are ready, move on.
Peace,
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
She isn’t getting “the best of him now that he’s sober.” The very fact that he’s still lying to cover his tracks and playing two women at the same time says he may not be using right this second, but 1) he will be and 2) he’s a long, long way from being recovered, if it ever happens.
She’s getting what you got...all kinds of meaningless words and empty manipulation...she just doesn’t know it yet. Or maybe she does know...but if she’s also an addict, she may not care.
He’s a million miles from being the guy you dreamed of. All that lies down that path are more wasted years and new pain.
Distract yourself best you can. The trick is to put time and distance behind you so that your perspective and sanity will return.
Hang in there.
She’s getting what you got...all kinds of meaningless words and empty manipulation...she just doesn’t know it yet. Or maybe she does know...but if she’s also an addict, she may not care.
He’s a million miles from being the guy you dreamed of. All that lies down that path are more wasted years and new pain.
Distract yourself best you can. The trick is to put time and distance behind you so that your perspective and sanity will return.
Hang in there.
Thank you so much for your responses. God knows this hurts and I sit here crying as I type this. I just want to hide under a rock and never come out. I wish God would erase him from my thoughts, like he never existed. I just don't know how someone could hurt someone so badly and never feel an ounce of remorse for what they have done. I stayed because I never wanted to give up on him and always held on to the hope that he would be the man of my dreams one day. I hate myself for allowing myself to become a part of his addiction and I hate him for ever putting me through all of this for the past 5 years....days of no contact, worrying, many a tear and many times of being broken hearted, manipulated and lied to. I know this is so terribly wrong to say, but there are times that I wished he would have died, just so I could get some relief from all of this and I would never have to worry another day about his well being and safety. I least I knew where he was. I know that is cold hearted as hell, but I'm tired of hurting.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Hey, I understand. But if he had died of an overdose you’d be dealing with all kinds of other pain and undeserved guilt. This is hard, brutally hard, but at least you don’t have to feel guilty...he chose this.
Time and distraction. It will get easier.
Time and distraction. It will get easier.
Hi again, chambers.
I am an Al-Anon person. I have learned a lot within those rooms.
Al-Anon might help you find clarity about your situation.
But...up to you.
In Al-Anon, I learned many lessons, and one of those was acceptance.
Acceptance is hard.
It’s admitting that I don’t have the answers, that I can’t change things to be the way I think they should be.
Acceptance means giving up the dream and looking clear-eyed at the reality.
Right now, you are mourning three things: the loss from your life someone you loved alot, the loss of the life you had with him, and the loss of the life you hoped to have with him.
Take care of yourself. Practice super duper self care.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Time and distance bring clarity
In time, you will come to see that you deserve more than the addict could or wanted to give.
Peace..
I am an Al-Anon person. I have learned a lot within those rooms.
Al-Anon might help you find clarity about your situation.
But...up to you.
In Al-Anon, I learned many lessons, and one of those was acceptance.
Acceptance is hard.
It’s admitting that I don’t have the answers, that I can’t change things to be the way I think they should be.
Acceptance means giving up the dream and looking clear-eyed at the reality.
Right now, you are mourning three things: the loss from your life someone you loved alot, the loss of the life you had with him, and the loss of the life you hoped to have with him.
Take care of yourself. Practice super duper self care.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Time and distance bring clarity
In time, you will come to see that you deserve more than the addict could or wanted to give.
Peace..
It does get easier
I felt this way about my ex, he spent 2 years in jail and we were no contact for his last year. When he got out we met up and hooked up and a couple weeks later he had a new girlfriend.
It hurt so badly and sometimes I still miss him. He relapsed after getting out of prison but is sober now and still with his gf.
I do sometimes feel like I’m “missing out” because when sober he was a good person but at the end of the day after everything he put me through I know deep down I couldn’t trust him which means our relationship wouldn’t have worked out.
I’m in recovery myself so I’ve done some work through the 12 steps. It’s not for everyone but I know al anon has similar steps. I recommend giving it a try. If nothing else it’ll give you other people to talk to who know how you feel.
As hard as it might be i reccomend going no contact it was the only way I could get over my ex.
I felt this way about my ex, he spent 2 years in jail and we were no contact for his last year. When he got out we met up and hooked up and a couple weeks later he had a new girlfriend.
It hurt so badly and sometimes I still miss him. He relapsed after getting out of prison but is sober now and still with his gf.
I do sometimes feel like I’m “missing out” because when sober he was a good person but at the end of the day after everything he put me through I know deep down I couldn’t trust him which means our relationship wouldn’t have worked out.
I’m in recovery myself so I’ve done some work through the 12 steps. It’s not for everyone but I know al anon has similar steps. I recommend giving it a try. If nothing else it’ll give you other people to talk to who know how you feel.
As hard as it might be i reccomend going no contact it was the only way I could get over my ex.
Really sorry for what you are going through.
I'm starting to realize with my own situation that we fall in love with the "potential" (fantasy) rather than "real time" (reality). And the painful part is removing that mask of what we thought they could have been, to see what is behind that mask, the ugly reality of the situation/person that we don't want to see.
I'm being real with myself, and I have been basically mourning something that wasn't even possible, because reality shows the true colors. Almost like mourning someone who doesn't even exist.
He may have said a lot of beautiful things about loving you and you being the one for him etc, but with addicts especially, you need to focus on the actions and not their words. Chances are, they are contradictory. I'm so sorry. Like others have said...time will heal, one day you will look back and it will all be clear to you.
Sending hugs.
I'm starting to realize with my own situation that we fall in love with the "potential" (fantasy) rather than "real time" (reality). And the painful part is removing that mask of what we thought they could have been, to see what is behind that mask, the ugly reality of the situation/person that we don't want to see.
I'm being real with myself, and I have been basically mourning something that wasn't even possible, because reality shows the true colors. Almost like mourning someone who doesn't even exist.
He may have said a lot of beautiful things about loving you and you being the one for him etc, but with addicts especially, you need to focus on the actions and not their words. Chances are, they are contradictory. I'm so sorry. Like others have said...time will heal, one day you will look back and it will all be clear to you.
Sending hugs.
I wish I could give you a hug. I don't have anything to add other than I don't think he's sober or will stay sober for long, and she's getting whatever you got. It hurts so much when you love someone and they toss it all back in your face as if it was nothing. I'm so sorry.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)