What is the not-codependent thing to do in this situation?
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What is the not-codependent thing to do in this situation?
I think I know the answer to this already, but ...
Background: alcoholic ex-husband has supervised access to Kid once a week since he was charged with DUIs. He has to provide a SoberLink sample before, during and after the visit. He was scheduled to have a visit on Sunday midday.
Yesterday ex texted 15 minutes before he was supposed to provide a sample. He said he had chest pains and he was going to the emergency room so he had to cancel the visit. He's had at least one heart attack so it is not unreasonable to think this could be something major. He texted Kid and told her he was sick. He also told the friend who was supposed to be supervising him that the visit was cancelled.
It's now been 24 hours and no word from ex. I haven't tried contacting him, but he hasn't responded to Kid's texts.
I called the two local hospitals. Neither of them has him listed as an inpatient. Neither has a record of anyone with his name being seen in ER for the last two days.
A couple of contextual bits of information:
1. Last year, ex was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons for 2.5 weeks. At the time, the "official" explanation for why he was in the hospital was "cardio monitoring".
2. Ex is something of a hypochondriac. He's been to ER for (among other things) hemorrhoids, eye infections, "a funny cough", etc.
3. I'm going out of town in the latter half of the week, and I don't want Kid visiting ex without me around. So in order for her to see her father at all, it would have to happen in the next two days, otherwise not for a week. Kid wants to see her father, although she does not appear overly anxious.
So my question is: do I actively pursue trying to find out what happened to ex? He might be on a multi-day drunk (which would explain texting me just before a scheduled SoberLink test). He might be dead. He might be sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. He might be using someone else's ID.
Just writing it out, I think the answer is: let it be. If he wants to surface, he will. If he doesn't want to, it is not my job to try to find him. If he is incapacitated in some way, that information will eventually make its way to me. I am not responsible for making sure he stays in touch with his kid, nor for "rescuing" him.
Does that make sense?
Background: alcoholic ex-husband has supervised access to Kid once a week since he was charged with DUIs. He has to provide a SoberLink sample before, during and after the visit. He was scheduled to have a visit on Sunday midday.
Yesterday ex texted 15 minutes before he was supposed to provide a sample. He said he had chest pains and he was going to the emergency room so he had to cancel the visit. He's had at least one heart attack so it is not unreasonable to think this could be something major. He texted Kid and told her he was sick. He also told the friend who was supposed to be supervising him that the visit was cancelled.
It's now been 24 hours and no word from ex. I haven't tried contacting him, but he hasn't responded to Kid's texts.
I called the two local hospitals. Neither of them has him listed as an inpatient. Neither has a record of anyone with his name being seen in ER for the last two days.
A couple of contextual bits of information:
1. Last year, ex was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons for 2.5 weeks. At the time, the "official" explanation for why he was in the hospital was "cardio monitoring".
2. Ex is something of a hypochondriac. He's been to ER for (among other things) hemorrhoids, eye infections, "a funny cough", etc.
3. I'm going out of town in the latter half of the week, and I don't want Kid visiting ex without me around. So in order for her to see her father at all, it would have to happen in the next two days, otherwise not for a week. Kid wants to see her father, although she does not appear overly anxious.
So my question is: do I actively pursue trying to find out what happened to ex? He might be on a multi-day drunk (which would explain texting me just before a scheduled SoberLink test). He might be dead. He might be sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. He might be using someone else's ID.
Just writing it out, I think the answer is: let it be. If he wants to surface, he will. If he doesn't want to, it is not my job to try to find him. If he is incapacitated in some way, that information will eventually make its way to me. I am not responsible for making sure he stays in touch with his kid, nor for "rescuing" him.
Does that make sense?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I would leave it alone.
Alcoholics in withdrawal have racing hearts and high anxiety. It's possible he was trying to abstain for the SoberLink when he went into withdrawal and had these symptoms. The symptoms are not imaginary.
Alcoholics in withdrawal have racing hearts and high anxiety. It's possible he was trying to abstain for the SoberLink when he went into withdrawal and had these symptoms. The symptoms are not imaginary.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Yes, it does make sense. And I think you are correct to let it be.
As with anything, more will be revealed. Until then, I think you and your DD should just live your lives.
Big hugs. It's always something, isn't it?
As with anything, more will be revealed. Until then, I think you and your DD should just live your lives.
Big hugs. It's always something, isn't it?
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... and indeed I just got a text from him saying he has been diagnosed with a new arrhythmia and has a new beta-blocker prescription and follow-up (he's already on beta-blockers for an earlier arrhythmia - is it possible to have two distinct forms of arrhythmia?). This would be consistent with alcohol withdrawal. Maybe biminiblue is right and trying to abstain for the SoberLink test was too much. Or maybe not. In any case, he appears to be alive, with no further effort required on my part.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Let it go. You've done more than I would have already, honestly.
For DD, I'd let her know that this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to her- how we have NO control over dad, his actions, his choices. Here is a Real Live Example happening as we speak.
For DD, I'd let her know that this is exactly what I've been trying to explain to her- how we have NO control over dad, his actions, his choices. Here is a Real Live Example happening as we speak.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Hi
How long has this once a week access been going on?
My guess is he's not going to pass the test and he knows it.
Hes made up some huge drama and gone into hiding.
I'd just leave it and see what happens
Easier said than done I know x
How long has this once a week access been going on?
My guess is he's not going to pass the test and he knows it.
Hes made up some huge drama and gone into hiding.
I'd just leave it and see what happens
Easier said than done I know x
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I've been on the receiving end of angry texts from ex about how he wants Kid to stay with him this week while I'm out of town (I have made plans for her to stay with a friend, as I always do) and how if I don't like it "you better just cancel your plans". It's typical addict/abusive control behavior (do what I tell you or some unspecified bad thing is going to happen). He's drunk and ranting. I prefer it when he's fallen off the map.
I've been in touch with my lawyer, who has been in touch with his lawyer, to convey the message that he does not get unsupervised parenting time while I'm out of town and it would be unwise to try anything. I think in the end not much will come of this, as he's more of a keyboard warrior than anything else, but it's just exhausting to deal with, and makes the prospect of a quick business trip to one of my favorite cities somewhat anxiety-inducing. However, the alternative is capitulating to his ranting and cancelling my trip, with significant professional consequences for me, so it's going ahead. Some day this will all stop, I hope ...
I've been in touch with my lawyer, who has been in touch with his lawyer, to convey the message that he does not get unsupervised parenting time while I'm out of town and it would be unwise to try anything. I think in the end not much will come of this, as he's more of a keyboard warrior than anything else, but it's just exhausting to deal with, and makes the prospect of a quick business trip to one of my favorite cities somewhat anxiety-inducing. However, the alternative is capitulating to his ranting and cancelling my trip, with significant professional consequences for me, so it's going ahead. Some day this will all stop, I hope ...
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
... and indeed I just got a text from him saying he has been diagnosed with a new arrhythmia and has a new beta-blocker prescription and follow-up (he's already on beta-blockers for an earlier arrhythmia - is it possible to have two distinct forms of arrhythmia?). This would be consistent with alcohol withdrawal. Maybe biminiblue is right and trying to abstain for the SoberLink test was too much. Or maybe not. In any case, he appears to be alive, with no further effort required on my part.
If he does have arrhythmia, alcohol use at all is contraindicated, let alone his kind of quantities. Amazing he’s still on this side of the grass.
He is a piece of work. Your patience is impressive.
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I must admit my first thought was that he knew he wouldn't pass the SoberLink test and the hospital visit was a big fat lie. Who knows? It doesn't change anything - no test, no access.
It beggars belief that, knowing he's an uncontrolled A, that he would insist on having DD in his care for a period of time.
So sorry you have these hassles in your life, but I hope the trip goes well.
It beggars belief that, knowing he's an uncontrolled A, that he would insist on having DD in his care for a period of time.
So sorry you have these hassles in your life, but I hope the trip goes well.
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I hope you can try not to worry about all this too much, Sasha. Your daughter will be with trusted and loving friends, your lawyer notified his, and his shenanigans at the hospital, if they even happened, were his way to avoid testing or something else he did not want to face--like reality, sadly.
I feel for him.
I hope you have some fun on this trip. And you will have all kinds of fun catching up with your daughter when you return!
I feel for him.
I hope you have some fun on this trip. And you will have all kinds of fun catching up with your daughter when you return!
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Thanks all. I'll be staying with my BFF for three nights while I'm away, which will be great.
Attempting to find a little bit of humor in the situation, here is one for the "quackers" thread. When ex was texting me telling me that I couldn't go out of town or that I had to let Kid stay with him (not clear exactly what he wanted), he said (I've cleaned up the spelling) "you don't get to claim personal circumstances and go out of town whenever you want. I had to change my plans in 2010 because of you".
2010?
Looking back, seven years ago, when he was still functioning pretty well and fooling lots of people, including me, I had to go out of town on short notice and asked him if Kid could stay at his place for an extra two nights (we had a week on/week off schedule then). So that's what he dredges up - I have to do what he wants now, because ... in 2010 he looked after Kid for two nights.
Also significant that this gets framed as "personal circumstances" and "your choice". It's not personal circumstances, I have a career and this is our annual professional association meeting, at which I'm presenting. Ex and I are in the same profession (we actually have the same job title in the same organization, although he's on disability leave), and in the past it has driven him crazy (crazier) because my career has moved ahead, especially after separating from him, while his has tanked completely, and it looks unlikely that he'll return to work at all.
Anyway, that's enough time spent in the addict's head.
Attempting to find a little bit of humor in the situation, here is one for the "quackers" thread. When ex was texting me telling me that I couldn't go out of town or that I had to let Kid stay with him (not clear exactly what he wanted), he said (I've cleaned up the spelling) "you don't get to claim personal circumstances and go out of town whenever you want. I had to change my plans in 2010 because of you".
2010?
Looking back, seven years ago, when he was still functioning pretty well and fooling lots of people, including me, I had to go out of town on short notice and asked him if Kid could stay at his place for an extra two nights (we had a week on/week off schedule then). So that's what he dredges up - I have to do what he wants now, because ... in 2010 he looked after Kid for two nights.
Also significant that this gets framed as "personal circumstances" and "your choice". It's not personal circumstances, I have a career and this is our annual professional association meeting, at which I'm presenting. Ex and I are in the same profession (we actually have the same job title in the same organization, although he's on disability leave), and in the past it has driven him crazy (crazier) because my career has moved ahead, especially after separating from him, while his has tanked completely, and it looks unlikely that he'll return to work at all.
Anyway, that's enough time spent in the addict's head.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Sasha - I feel for you!!! I have to travel for work and it is anxiety inducing because of the stupid things my STBXAH says. He texts me that the next time I go out of town, our child should stay with him. Meanwhile, he hasn't had over night access for over a year because of something he did when I was out of town for work...the craziness is just that, crazy.
I wish you and your daughter some peace. I hope you get to enjoy your time with your BFF in your favorite city!
Perhaps its worth talking with your daughter about what she should do IF your ex shows up unannounced? I don't know if that would cause more anxiety or not but I was just thinking it would help your daughter know what to do in a worst case scenario?
Be well! I continue to be in awe of your strength.
I wish you and your daughter some peace. I hope you get to enjoy your time with your BFF in your favorite city!
Perhaps its worth talking with your daughter about what she should do IF your ex shows up unannounced? I don't know if that would cause more anxiety or not but I was just thinking it would help your daughter know what to do in a worst case scenario?
Be well! I continue to be in awe of your strength.
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let's keep in mind that we are only talking about one week. he doesn't see her this week, he will see her NEXT week. not next month or next year. a few days. this happens sometimes to schedules. there really isn't much more to it than that. the whole bit about her staying WITH him is an already preordained conclusion - NO. any "argrument" of his is pointless. it's still NO. period.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
But...but...he WANTS more time with her!!!!!!! You’re the big meanie who says he can’t!!!!
But seven years ago two more nights was torture?
QUACK.
But seven years ago two more nights was torture?
QUACK.
I still remember that particular episode as one of my first lightbulb moments of thinking "there is something quite wrong here ...".
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^^^ I know. I couldn't make this stuff up.
For ages I worried if there was something wrong with me that I just couldn't get along with my ex - I mean most people go through a bad patch where they can't stand the other person and think ex is crazy, but most move on with their lives and can at least manage to co-parent, right?
It took me ages, and a lot of "more will be revealed" to realize that although everybody says "oh yeah, my ex is crazy" ... in my case, my ex literally is crazy - mentally ill, severely addicted, ******* crazy. He can "cover" fairly well - he's an upper middle class white man with an advanced education and expensive clothes - if you met him you wouldn't automatically think "that person is off the deep end" - but after prolonged exposure the cracks become apparent. And the cracks are getting bigger by the week, with his criminal charges, suspended license, trashed second marriage, near-bankruptcy and health problems.
ETA: I don't mean any of this as a dig at people with mental illness or to imply that mental illness makes you a jerk. Lots of people have mental illnesses and are not jerks. Unfortunately, my ex is not one of them.
For ages I worried if there was something wrong with me that I just couldn't get along with my ex - I mean most people go through a bad patch where they can't stand the other person and think ex is crazy, but most move on with their lives and can at least manage to co-parent, right?
It took me ages, and a lot of "more will be revealed" to realize that although everybody says "oh yeah, my ex is crazy" ... in my case, my ex literally is crazy - mentally ill, severely addicted, ******* crazy. He can "cover" fairly well - he's an upper middle class white man with an advanced education and expensive clothes - if you met him you wouldn't automatically think "that person is off the deep end" - but after prolonged exposure the cracks become apparent. And the cracks are getting bigger by the week, with his criminal charges, suspended license, trashed second marriage, near-bankruptcy and health problems.
ETA: I don't mean any of this as a dig at people with mental illness or to imply that mental illness makes you a jerk. Lots of people have mental illnesses and are not jerks. Unfortunately, my ex is not one of them.
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