No contact for one week
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
No contact for one week
Hi everyone! It's been a week without contact (on my part) from my XAP. Parts of it have been really good - I am feeling a lot more peaceful, but also very, very vulnerable. I've had really bad flash backs
and terrible nightmares - the other night I dreamt that he had discovered my posts on SR and left me raging messages over the phone. Thank god it was only a dream, but it was truly terrifying.
I am now - with time and distance - starting to realize how emotionally abusive and manipulative my XAP could be. It's been very hard for me to admit and I keep wondering how long it's going to take me to heal and just start to feel normal again. I'm still plagued by the idea that I somehow should have done more - even though this disease isn't something I caused, I cannot cure or control. His choices, his path.
Maybe it's that I should have done more for myself - got myself out faster, stood up for myself more, realized that I deserved more - right from the very start. I also know that I am deeply thankful for where I stand right now. But I feel so raw, I feel scared (sometimes), I feel alone (sometimes). I'm so very grateful to be able to post and share here. I'm going to starting attending Al-Anon meetings in November as well, which will help too, I am guessing.
Thanks for reading. xo
and terrible nightmares - the other night I dreamt that he had discovered my posts on SR and left me raging messages over the phone. Thank god it was only a dream, but it was truly terrifying.
I am now - with time and distance - starting to realize how emotionally abusive and manipulative my XAP could be. It's been very hard for me to admit and I keep wondering how long it's going to take me to heal and just start to feel normal again. I'm still plagued by the idea that I somehow should have done more - even though this disease isn't something I caused, I cannot cure or control. His choices, his path.
Maybe it's that I should have done more for myself - got myself out faster, stood up for myself more, realized that I deserved more - right from the very start. I also know that I am deeply thankful for where I stand right now. But I feel so raw, I feel scared (sometimes), I feel alone (sometimes). I'm so very grateful to be able to post and share here. I'm going to starting attending Al-Anon meetings in November as well, which will help too, I am guessing.
Thanks for reading. xo
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Hugs)))
No contact is a gift to yourself. It's a healthy move.
You may find some of this healing info helpful:
Ten Life-Changing Truths to Embrace on the Healing Journey (Adult survivors of abuse)
The feelings you describe are very normal. Life does get much, much better. One day at a time.
No contact is a gift to yourself. It's a healthy move.
You may find some of this healing info helpful:
Ten Life-Changing Truths to Embrace on the Healing Journey (Adult survivors of abuse)
The feelings you describe are very normal. Life does get much, much better. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Rosie2017 
Hi everyone! It's been a week without contact (on my part) from my XAP. Parts of it have been really good - I am feeling a lot more peaceful, but also very, very vulnerable. I've had really bad flash backs
and terrible nightmares - the other night I dreamt that he had discovered my posts on SR and left me raging messages over the phone. Thank god it was only a dream, but it was truly terrifying.
I am now - with time and distance - starting to realize how emotionally abusive and manipulative my XAP could be. It's been very hard for me to admit and I keep wondering how long it's going to take me to heal and just start to feel normal again. I'm still plagued by the idea that I somehow should have done more - even though this disease isn't something I caused, I cannot cure or control. His choices, his path.
Maybe it's that I should have done more for myself - got myself out faster, stood up for myself more, realized that I deserved more - right from the very start. I also know that I am deeply thankful for where I stand right now. But I feel so raw, I feel scared (sometimes), I feel alone (sometimes). I'm so very grateful to be able to post and share here. I'm going to starting attending Al-Anon meetings in November as well, which will help too, I am guessing.
Thanks for reading. xo
and terrible nightmares - the other night I dreamt that he had discovered my posts on SR and left me raging messages over the phone. Thank god it was only a dream, but it was truly terrifying.
I am now - with time and distance - starting to realize how emotionally abusive and manipulative my XAP could be. It's been very hard for me to admit and I keep wondering how long it's going to take me to heal and just start to feel normal again. I'm still plagued by the idea that I somehow should have done more - even though this disease isn't something I caused, I cannot cure or control. His choices, his path.
Maybe it's that I should have done more for myself - got myself out faster, stood up for myself more, realized that I deserved more - right from the very start. I also know that I am deeply thankful for where I stand right now. But I feel so raw, I feel scared (sometimes), I feel alone (sometimes). I'm so very grateful to be able to post and share here. I'm going to starting attending Al-Anon meetings in November as well, which will help too, I am guessing.
Thanks for reading. xo
I know what you mean about the nightmares and basically withdrawal from NO contact. They're our drug and it's our turn to get sober and the withdrawals are very real. I keep thinking of it like this: I left because he can't or doesn't want to kick his addiction for good. If i can't get through the withdrawals of something just as bad for me as vodka is for him, i have no right to judge him for not finding the strength to get sober.
Every time I have obsessive or craving thoughts, I'm writing them down and evaluating truth from illusion. I made a list of my positive and negative traits, vs what he says about me while drinking. Seeing all the awful things he has said about me vs the 3 nice things was an eye opener. Ten I made A list of his positive an neg. Traits, but crossed off everythi g that was based on what i saw as his potential vs what he displayed through actions. I've been delusional, just as he is about his drinking. It's hard, but I'm sure you'll find the strength you need. You deserve better, we all deserve to be loved for who we are and treated with love and respect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
Keeping the faith - thank you so much for the article ... I just took a quick look at it and realized that it is EXACTLY what I need to read right now. A quick scan and I started feeling immediate relief: I'm not crazy ... I'm not the one who was abusive, I will be able to heal!!
I love Scorpiogirl's words and I think that's an excellent mantra. The past week has been confusing for me, as my XAP decided to detox and is going to rehab. Everything I wanted and yet, when I went to see him, I realized that it simply isn't enough. I doubt his recovery is going to stick and I don't want to be around as an energy drain and a source of support. I've already been worn so thin ... time to start moving in the other direction.
Sending you much love and many hugs. Your words have made all the difference today. xo
I love Scorpiogirl's words and I think that's an excellent mantra. The past week has been confusing for me, as my XAP decided to detox and is going to rehab. Everything I wanted and yet, when I went to see him, I realized that it simply isn't enough. I doubt his recovery is going to stick and I don't want to be around as an energy drain and a source of support. I've already been worn so thin ... time to start moving in the other direction.
Sending you much love and many hugs. Your words have made all the difference today. xo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Rosie, as best any of us know, you are on the right track . . . just not an easy one.
Keep healing and count those dreams as part of a process as you work through the grief, pain and come to a healthier place.
Keep healing and count those dreams as part of a process as you work through the grief, pain and come to a healthier place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Rosie,
I did some really crazy, crazy things, while I was in my "addiction" to axh. Stuff I am not proud of doing or saying. I have made peace with myself that I did the "best" that I could at the time.
It takes a lot of time to accept him for who he is supposed to be and us as who we were meant to be. Keep moving forward, you are going to be ok.
I did some really crazy, crazy things, while I was in my "addiction" to axh. Stuff I am not proud of doing or saying. I have made peace with myself that I did the "best" that I could at the time.
It takes a lot of time to accept him for who he is supposed to be and us as who we were meant to be. Keep moving forward, you are going to be ok.
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