baxter

Been quite awhile since I've been on here. Somedays are good but now my AD is once again on the warpath and making me feel like a horrible mother. Quick rehash - daughter went from using drugs, stealing from me, stole checks from her grandmother and put her in debt, crashed cars, got arrested. Horrible nightmare - all the time she bounced between it being my fault, her sisters fault, etc. etc. She also has three daughters. Drugs became a thing of the past and she turned to alcohol.

Now, it's pretty safe to say she's drunk, and I mean drunk, three to four days a week. When she's drunk she's mean. Two of her girls are adult age. One has moved out and engaged to be married. Her sister, 5 years younger, is in her second year of college and has stayed at the house to more or less protect her younger sister, who is in 9th grade. They are beautiful, smart girls. The middle daughter has finally started seeing a counselor at college.

I have, through the past few years, tried to keep AD at a distance, still kind of involve her in family functions (she usually shows up drunk) but I'm a wreck. Now the verbal attacks have started, again, she tells me I'm worthless, no one loves her, on and on. I told her I want no more contact until she gets help and I just can't take it anymore. Now, she just got off the phone, telling me she's not an alcoholic and all I do is shun her. She gets relentless until she wears me down, makes me question my boundaries, makes me feel horrible as far as a mother goes. I need help.

AnvilheadII

baxter, i know this is difficult. very difficult.

however -

I told her I want no more contact until she gets help and I just can't take it anymore. Now, she just got off the phone,

don't expect her to uphold your wish for No Contact. that is something you must enforce. as long as you pick up the phone, let her spew more vile nonsense, the more you reinforce to her that it's ok to keep doing that. let find someone else to gripe at. take yourself out of the equation.

Maudcat

Hi, baxter.
I have an alcohol addicted sib, and I know my mother feels horrible guilt about him, for reasons that aren’t really mine to tell.
This has led her to make terrible decisions with regard to him.
She enables him, always has.
Very hard for me to see and to deal with when I feel I am forced to.
I try to say, “not my circus. Not my monkeys.”
But with an aged parent who needs assistance often, it isn’t that simple.
Agree with Anvill. This is very difficult, but she is abusive to you.
She can’t be if you don’t pick up the phone.
Very sorry for your situation. This is a terrible disease.

53500

Hang up the phone the second she gets nasty. It does not help her to allow her to abuse you. It won't make her stop drinking. Don't pick up at all if you know it's her and not your granddaughters.

Let your granddaughters know you are there for them.

Very sorry you're in this situation.

baxter

Thanks everyone - guess I just needed that boost to stay focused. Never would have gotten this far without this site. Got me through the drug phase. When she started the "How can you shun your own daughter" I just said to get help and I'd be there. Just had that twinge of guilt.

hopeful4

I would advise not to speak to her at all until she can talk to you with respect. I would however do whatever I could to facilitate getting the 9th grader out of her care.

Big hugs.

atalose

Don’t answer the phone – she has nothing new to say. It’s like they keep playing the same tune over and over again, It’s your fault, it’s your issues, it’s your problems, bla bla bla then usually followed with the me, me, me, me.

Change her name in your contacts to same old same old or hurt and pain or even do not answer!! That way you have a visual reminder of what is on the other end.