Inpatient try #2--a bit different
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
Inpatient try #2--a bit different
My husband's first start in treatment was interrupted by an insurance fiasco, and he was not able to stay. All that was fixed a few weeks ago, but he was already back using.
So I left with the kids to a friend's house, and we did our thing. He is beyond annoying to be around when he is under the influence--even the adult children were ignoring him because they could not deal with him.
Last week I was out of town for business, and I had friends take care of my kids instead of their own father. He was supposed to start outpatient last week but never did.
I ignored him most of the time, but on Thursday when he hadn't started outpatient, I let him know that I would be filing for divorce when I returned if he didn't start by Monday (and yes, I meant every word--have the papers ready to go). He suddenly started checking into programs and was put on the waiting list. Friday morning as I was at the airport, he called me and let me know the status--I told him it was fine to go outpatient, but he needed to understand that I was not going to feel safe enough to have him in the house for months if all he did was outpatient (I had already told him this before). He whined a little and then asked for the number for inpatient so I gave it to him, not expecting much out of it. I later got a text from him that he would go inpatient.
I took him to the inpatient facility when I came back in town, and now me and the kids are back at home. When he called the next day, he sounded good, and he admitted that he had been tapering down on his own (I could tell on Friday that he wasn't high anymore, but I also thought he still seemed off--that explained it). He told me he was getting bad withdrawal symptoms that he wasn't getting before, and I bit my tongue from saying, "What did you think was going to happen if you kept using?"
I think that is my thing with addiction--I have full respect for medications and drugs and what they can do to your brain. Even when given legit painkillers, I am VERY careful and usually only take them before bedtime (if pain is bad, I still take them less than directed). I do not understand why ANYONE even starts playing with fire.
Anyway, he is there for a month at least, there is a family program we will attend later, and it sounds like they have a good aftercare program as well. Right now his motivation is that he wants to get his family back--everyone in his family (and life) has had to ignore him because he has been so impossible to communicate with.
I am just glad to get back to life, and I hope he finds some healing.
So I left with the kids to a friend's house, and we did our thing. He is beyond annoying to be around when he is under the influence--even the adult children were ignoring him because they could not deal with him.
Last week I was out of town for business, and I had friends take care of my kids instead of their own father. He was supposed to start outpatient last week but never did.
I ignored him most of the time, but on Thursday when he hadn't started outpatient, I let him know that I would be filing for divorce when I returned if he didn't start by Monday (and yes, I meant every word--have the papers ready to go). He suddenly started checking into programs and was put on the waiting list. Friday morning as I was at the airport, he called me and let me know the status--I told him it was fine to go outpatient, but he needed to understand that I was not going to feel safe enough to have him in the house for months if all he did was outpatient (I had already told him this before). He whined a little and then asked for the number for inpatient so I gave it to him, not expecting much out of it. I later got a text from him that he would go inpatient.
I took him to the inpatient facility when I came back in town, and now me and the kids are back at home. When he called the next day, he sounded good, and he admitted that he had been tapering down on his own (I could tell on Friday that he wasn't high anymore, but I also thought he still seemed off--that explained it). He told me he was getting bad withdrawal symptoms that he wasn't getting before, and I bit my tongue from saying, "What did you think was going to happen if you kept using?"
I think that is my thing with addiction--I have full respect for medications and drugs and what they can do to your brain. Even when given legit painkillers, I am VERY careful and usually only take them before bedtime (if pain is bad, I still take them less than directed). I do not understand why ANYONE even starts playing with fire.
Anyway, he is there for a month at least, there is a family program we will attend later, and it sounds like they have a good aftercare program as well. Right now his motivation is that he wants to get his family back--everyone in his family (and life) has had to ignore him because he has been so impossible to communicate with.
I am just glad to get back to life, and I hope he finds some healing.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Thanks for sharing. 
Hoping and praying all goes well for you, your children and your husband - and that he will do well and continue to be focused on recovery.
This part of your post:
This caught my attention, because I do understand your point of being responsible with, careful with using "legit painkillers." Earlier this year, I had injuries and surgery where at first, I felt the need to use the Norco I was prescribed, and the medical personnel were very clear about the limits of 1) pain killing - I was going to "manage pain" and not be totally pain-free, 2) limits of amounts of Norco prescribed/availability and timeframe (and the options with using non opioids to manage pain as well). So...I paid attention, because, like you, it was important for me to not get to the point of becoming dependent, and it left an impression that the care providers were pretty responsible and clear about the whole thing.
OTOH - I've never been addicted to opioids so didn't have that to consider when faced with injury, surgery, and pain and can say that I have no idea how hard it would be to deal, if so.
It's never easy. Thank goodness for support, help, treatment, etc., available to all of us.
Hoping and praying all goes well for you, your children and your husband - and that he will do well and continue to be focused on recovery.This part of your post:
Originally Posted by dejavuwife 
I think that is my thing with addiction--I have full respect for medications and drugs and what they can do to your brain. Even when given legit painkillers, I am VERY careful and usually only take them before bedtime (if pain is bad, I still take them less than directed). I do not understand why ANYONE even starts playing with fire.
OTOH - I've never been addicted to opioids so didn't have that to consider when faced with injury, surgery, and pain and can say that I have no idea how hard it would be to deal, if so.
It's never easy. Thank goodness for support, help, treatment, etc., available to all of us.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he has 30 days (if he stays) to settle down, listen to the counselors and experts, and hopefully decide to truly seize full recovery for life.
you also have time now. treatment is a not a cure....it just gives the addict a CHANCE to choose recovery. he will need to devote himself entirely to the concept of recovery.....no drinks, no drugs, no nothing, from here on out. he would need to develop coping skills. get humble. stay willing. play nice.
i hope that is the outcome. wishing you the best, no matter what!!
you also have time now. treatment is a not a cure....it just gives the addict a CHANCE to choose recovery. he will need to devote himself entirely to the concept of recovery.....no drinks, no drugs, no nothing, from here on out. he would need to develop coping skills. get humble. stay willing. play nice.
i hope that is the outcome. wishing you the best, no matter what!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Keeping you both in my prayers. A month is a good start but I hope he follows with aftercare and working a good program.
This might be a good time for you to find some meetings of your own, it would help you regain your balance and have strength to face whatever lies ahead.
Hugs
This might be a good time for you to find some meetings of your own, it would help you regain your balance and have strength to face whatever lies ahead.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
Had a panic tonight
This is day two of him being there, and he left me a voicemail on my work number (not my cell) saying that he wanted me to bring him the divorce papers because he didn't want to stay anymore. He didn't ask me to pick him up or anything...it was weird.
An hour after he had called, I called the center, and they said he was in the meeting and participating just fine. They also told me that is very common, and they usually are able to talk the patients down from that thought. Also, they pointed out that the center is in the middle of nowhere so it is hard to get anywhere (and he has no car there--in fact, he waited for me to get back in town so I could drive him there so he would not have a car there-- he probably knew he would be tempted). The people there were really nice and told me to call anytime I was concerned. They think tonight is a good night for him to be feeling this way because it is alumni night so lots of people are celebrating sobriety.
I feel better now--I really need a break from his drama.
An hour after he had called, I called the center, and they said he was in the meeting and participating just fine. They also told me that is very common, and they usually are able to talk the patients down from that thought. Also, they pointed out that the center is in the middle of nowhere so it is hard to get anywhere (and he has no car there--in fact, he waited for me to get back in town so I could drive him there so he would not have a car there-- he probably knew he would be tempted). The people there were really nice and told me to call anytime I was concerned. They think tonight is a good night for him to be feeling this way because it is alumni night so lots of people are celebrating sobriety.
I feel better now--I really need a break from his drama.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. Inpatient is hard. Time will tell. I would leave him to it.
This is a great time to line up support for YOU, and before he leaves to have a plan of relapse in place so that if he comes home and does relapse, you know what your next step will be, and he knows that in advance as well.
Big hugs.
This is a great time to line up support for YOU, and before he leaves to have a plan of relapse in place so that if he comes home and does relapse, you know what your next step will be, and he knows that in advance as well.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Hey I work in a detox facility and it is very common for people to want to leave throughout their stay. It’s a lot to process emotionally and physically.
Honestly treatment alone isn’t enough tho. I highly encourage people to attend a sober living house as well. The more “step down” you do the better chance you have at being sucsessful.
Have you considered go to al anon or nar anon so you have support for yourself? I know I put my family thru hell when I was using and especially thru relapses and they needed their own support. It also helped them learn to set boundaries and not enable me (like tough love instead of always bailing me out) as hard as it was them refusing to let me come home even after completing inpatient is what probably saved my life
Honestly treatment alone isn’t enough tho. I highly encourage people to attend a sober living house as well. The more “step down” you do the better chance you have at being sucsessful.
Have you considered go to al anon or nar anon so you have support for yourself? I know I put my family thru hell when I was using and especially thru relapses and they needed their own support. It also helped them learn to set boundaries and not enable me (like tough love instead of always bailing me out) as hard as it was them refusing to let me come home even after completing inpatient is what probably saved my life
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
He walked out
of treatment this morning at 5am AMA.
I spent all day at the bank, with the lawyer, at the courthouse, etc. I filed for divorce so I can make sure he is out of the house and not draining retirement.
If he wakes up and gets help, then fine. If not, I am still fine.
I miss the man he was four months ago, and I am not ready to give up hope totally, but I am ready to not be in the drama (and the only way to do that is to make sure I can stay at the house and the bills can get paid.)
I spent all day at the bank, with the lawyer, at the courthouse, etc. I filed for divorce so I can make sure he is out of the house and not draining retirement.
If he wakes up and gets help, then fine. If not, I am still fine.
I miss the man he was four months ago, and I am not ready to give up hope totally, but I am ready to not be in the drama (and the only way to do that is to make sure I can stay at the house and the bills can get paid.)
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
We are protected
and after my husband was served, he slept in his car at a rest stop, and went and signed himself into an outpatient program. No, I am not rescinding anything--he is still out of the house, but we did talk last night.
He was clear-headed and apologized for pushing me to the point of having to file, of having to lock down the finances, etc. He completely understands why I did it, and he acknowledged that he definitely has a problem. He also knows he needs to earn his way back.
I told him I have heard some of this from him before so I will wait and see, but my gut tells me (after other things he said) that he actually gets it more than he ever has before. In other conversations, there has been at least one thing about his addiction that was "my fault", but this time I did not get that sense from him. He admitted he didn't like the way I handled some of it, but then he acknowledged that it wasn't my job to worry about his emotions when I still had mine to take care of.
Regardless, he is out of the house, finances are locked down, and he is going to treatment. Here we go again, one day at a time...
He was clear-headed and apologized for pushing me to the point of having to file, of having to lock down the finances, etc. He completely understands why I did it, and he acknowledged that he definitely has a problem. He also knows he needs to earn his way back.
I told him I have heard some of this from him before so I will wait and see, but my gut tells me (after other things he said) that he actually gets it more than he ever has before. In other conversations, there has been at least one thing about his addiction that was "my fault", but this time I did not get that sense from him. He admitted he didn't like the way I handled some of it, but then he acknowledged that it wasn't my job to worry about his emotions when I still had mine to take care of.
Regardless, he is out of the house, finances are locked down, and he is going to treatment. Here we go again, one day at a time...
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Dejavuwife, I admire your strength and courage through all this and I hope that you get an outcome that is safe, and ultimately the best for everyone but most of all you. I hope that your husband is able to find lasting sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
Getting to a new normal
So it has been a week, and I have seen him up and down. He seemed to get angry at me on Saturday morning about this mess, but retracted his anger later in the day when I used the principles in "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change" and didn't argue with him. I am guessing some of the impact of the mess he has made hit him, and he could not handle it so thought he would try hurling it onto me. That book is a lifesaver...for anyone who hasn't read it.
Anyway, after he tried flailing a bit, asking to stay with his dad and others (and stop treatment) and it didn't work, he agreed to move into a hotel for a month and stay in treatment. We have been "on the same page" again ever since.
The big picture is that I can tell he is not at a place where he can accept the totality of the damage his addiction has caused--he keeps wanting others to accept him just like it was early summer, and they are not ready to do that. Until he is better able to understand their perspective, I do not think having him in the house would be a good idea. I hear that understanding will take some time.
I am sure it will get bumpy for a while, but at least I know we can stay in the house, and the bills will get paid. If he doesn't keep on the same trajectory he is on now, we will still be ok. If he does, I am grateful.
I was thinking that if our marriage had been going downhill for a long time, I would not have the stamina to give this a try because this is VERY hard and would not be worth it.
Anyway, after he tried flailing a bit, asking to stay with his dad and others (and stop treatment) and it didn't work, he agreed to move into a hotel for a month and stay in treatment. We have been "on the same page" again ever since.
The big picture is that I can tell he is not at a place where he can accept the totality of the damage his addiction has caused--he keeps wanting others to accept him just like it was early summer, and they are not ready to do that. Until he is better able to understand their perspective, I do not think having him in the house would be a good idea. I hear that understanding will take some time.
I am sure it will get bumpy for a while, but at least I know we can stay in the house, and the bills will get paid. If he doesn't keep on the same trajectory he is on now, we will still be ok. If he does, I am grateful.
I was thinking that if our marriage had been going downhill for a long time, I would not have the stamina to give this a try because this is VERY hard and would not be worth it.
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Originally Posted by dejavuwife
The big picture is that I can tell he is not at a place where he can accept the totality of the damage his addiction has caused--he keeps wanting others to accept him just like it was early summer, and they are not ready to do that. Until he is better able to understand their perspective, I do not think having him in the house would be a good idea. I hear that understanding will take some time.
That understanding may never come, yes?
I’m glad he’s out of the house and you can have a more peaceful environment for you and your kids.
Sending you a hug.
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