Why am I so angry today?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Why am I so angry today?
My AH if finally going to therapy after he found out I had finally hired a divorce attorney. I agreed not to file as long as he was getting help and really participating. I should be thrilled right? Except he’s all excited, talking about how “we” both have to own up to our roll in bringing our 18 year marriage to this point. I feel like screaming -my roll! Except of course being angry with AH isn’t allowed in my house. Disagreeing with AH isn’t allowed, having feelings, being tired, or even being sick isn’t allowed. I am of course the cause of all his problems. He tells me that often as well as telling me how no one likes me and his family has disliked me since day one. He tells me each day about things I have failed to do correctly at home. I walk on egg shells afraid to trigger the crazy alcoholic abusive behavior.
I have become this ghost of a person who devotes herself to creating the best life possible for our three children. I tip toe around him. I don’t ask him where he’s going, I don’t ask him for help with anything. I don’t criticize him or complain. I smile politely cook his meals and do his laundry.
For the first time since I started therapy a year ago I am so incredibly angry today and I guess I don’t know where it’s all coming from. I’m supposed to be happy right he’s finally getting help and yet I’m feeling so much anxiety.
I guess I’m just not able to put my finger on what’s got me so upset.
I probably sound like a crazy person but just reaching out helps.
I have become this ghost of a person who devotes herself to creating the best life possible for our three children. I tip toe around him. I don’t ask him where he’s going, I don’t ask him for help with anything. I don’t criticize him or complain. I smile politely cook his meals and do his laundry.
For the first time since I started therapy a year ago I am so incredibly angry today and I guess I don’t know where it’s all coming from. I’m supposed to be happy right he’s finally getting help and yet I’m feeling so much anxiety.
I guess I’m just not able to put my finger on what’s got me so upset.
I probably sound like a crazy person but just reaching out helps.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I guess I’m just not able to put my finger on what’s got me so upset.
seems the reason would be:
-he’s all excited, talking about how “we” both have to own up to our roll in bringing our 18 year marriage to this point
-being angry with AH isn’t allowed in my house
- Disagreeing with AH isn’t allowed,
- having feelings,
-being tired,
- or even being sick isn’t allowed
- I am of course the cause of all his problems
-telling me how no one likes me and his family has disliked me since day one.
-tells me each day about things I have failed to do correctly at home.
- I walk on egg shells afraid to trigger the crazy alcoholic abusive behavior.
-I have become this ghost of a person who devotes herself to creating the best life possible for our three children.
- I tip toe around him
-. I don’t ask him where he’s going,
-I don’t ask him for help with anything.
- I don’t criticize him or complain. I smile politely cook his meals and do his laundry.
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
maybe youre realizing the extent of the dysfunction? maybe youre getting out of denial about it all? maybe whats been said to ya in therapy is sinking in?
maybe youre realizing its not you that is HIS problem?
no, you dont sound crazy.
imo, you read like someone that is starting to comprehend quite a bit.
seems the reason would be:
-he’s all excited, talking about how “we” both have to own up to our roll in bringing our 18 year marriage to this point
-being angry with AH isn’t allowed in my house
- Disagreeing with AH isn’t allowed,
- having feelings,
-being tired,
- or even being sick isn’t allowed
- I am of course the cause of all his problems
-telling me how no one likes me and his family has disliked me since day one.
-tells me each day about things I have failed to do correctly at home.
- I walk on egg shells afraid to trigger the crazy alcoholic abusive behavior.
-I have become this ghost of a person who devotes herself to creating the best life possible for our three children.
- I tip toe around him
-. I don’t ask him where he’s going,
-I don’t ask him for help with anything.
- I don’t criticize him or complain. I smile politely cook his meals and do his laundry.
__________________________________________________ _____________________________
maybe youre realizing the extent of the dysfunction? maybe youre getting out of denial about it all? maybe whats been said to ya in therapy is sinking in?
maybe youre realizing its not you that is HIS problem?
no, you dont sound crazy.
imo, you read like someone that is starting to comprehend quite a bit.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Michel.....it sounds, to me, like you are living in an abusive relationship...one doesn't have to be hit to be abused...psychological abuse can be just as damaging, and it does leave scars...on the inside....
It doesn't matter how much "help" he is getting...it doesn't justify you having to live in a prison, like a second class citizen.....It is still wrong.
I think it is normal to feel angry in this kind of situation...and abnormal to NOT feel angry....
Why do you have to be "happy" that he is getting "help"? It sounds like you thought that if he did anything that sounded like help...that everything would be the kind of family life that you have been wishing for....
I think that so many alcoholics get by with the trick of waving the "therapy" flag in front of their partner, and it serves the purpose of a get out of jail card....and, it gets the partner off their case. Or....gets them to back off of the divorce proceedings.....
Is he still drinking? Why isn't he going to AA?
Abuse and drinking are two separate issues, although they can overlap, sometimes, to a certain extent.....
You are clearly, unhappy, from what you write, and I don't see any reason that you should be happy!
It doesn't matter how much "help" he is getting...it doesn't justify you having to live in a prison, like a second class citizen.....It is still wrong.
I think it is normal to feel angry in this kind of situation...and abnormal to NOT feel angry....
Why do you have to be "happy" that he is getting "help"? It sounds like you thought that if he did anything that sounded like help...that everything would be the kind of family life that you have been wishing for....
I think that so many alcoholics get by with the trick of waving the "therapy" flag in front of their partner, and it serves the purpose of a get out of jail card....and, it gets the partner off their case. Or....gets them to back off of the divorce proceedings.....
Is he still drinking? Why isn't he going to AA?
Abuse and drinking are two separate issues, although they can overlap, sometimes, to a certain extent.....
You are clearly, unhappy, from what you write, and I don't see any reason that you should be happy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I was terrified of being angry for a long time. I believed if I was angry it was because of something I had done wrong somehow.
I finally started to get angry and with my support team realized that anger was often what I felt when I was being mistreated, when a boundary was crossed and/or when there was something not right.
Being angry was actually a protective mechanism for me that I had pushed down for a long time. Rather than being angry I was stuffing those feelings, blaming myself and frankly was probably a big part of my underlying lack of confidence and depression.
Anger also got me busy.
I had to learn that what I did with my anger was important. I had to learn that my anger did not and was not like the family members in my life that flew off the handle and/or lived with rage issues. I had to learn to trust my anger.
I went into a therapy appt angry for the first time and was scared to tell my therapist. Know what she did when I told her. Clapped for me and said congratulations.
The book Dance with Anger helped when I was ready.
This is me clapping for you over the internet!
I finally started to get angry and with my support team realized that anger was often what I felt when I was being mistreated, when a boundary was crossed and/or when there was something not right.
Being angry was actually a protective mechanism for me that I had pushed down for a long time. Rather than being angry I was stuffing those feelings, blaming myself and frankly was probably a big part of my underlying lack of confidence and depression.
Anger also got me busy.
I had to learn that what I did with my anger was important. I had to learn that my anger did not and was not like the family members in my life that flew off the handle and/or lived with rage issues. I had to learn to trust my anger.
I went into a therapy appt angry for the first time and was scared to tell my therapist. Know what she did when I told her. Clapped for me and said congratulations.
The book Dance with Anger helped when I was ready.
This is me clapping for you over the internet!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
I don't think I was ever so furious as when my AH finally admitted he had a problem and agreed to therapy (only if I would go with him, of course, and it would be "marriage counseling").
By that time, I was done. I just had to accuse him of being an alcoholic one last time, hear him deny it, and I was outa there. I don't know how it was that he knew that this time I meant it, but he did. So he realized the bar had been raised, and the bare minimum he always did to keep me there meeting his needs would have to be increased a bit. So he improved to where he thought the bar was. Demonstrating, once again, that he will keep on doing the minimum that he can get away with to keep me from leaving entirely, my happiness not being relevant.
I think maybe you're realizing how much this is ALL about him and his needs and not about yours, and you've done enough work to begin to get perspective on it. You should be livid and you are, appropriately enough. Good for you.
By that time, I was done. I just had to accuse him of being an alcoholic one last time, hear him deny it, and I was outa there. I don't know how it was that he knew that this time I meant it, but he did. So he realized the bar had been raised, and the bare minimum he always did to keep me there meeting his needs would have to be increased a bit. So he improved to where he thought the bar was. Demonstrating, once again, that he will keep on doing the minimum that he can get away with to keep me from leaving entirely, my happiness not being relevant.
I think maybe you're realizing how much this is ALL about him and his needs and not about yours, and you've done enough work to begin to get perspective on it. You should be livid and you are, appropriately enough. Good for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You’re angry because you’ve been compromising everything about your intelligence, your behavior, and your personality just to accommodate him and have some tiny resemblance of a normal family life.
Now...he wants MORE????
Anger sounds perfectly appropriate.
One thought...children who grow up watching one parent be an addicted asshat and the other dancing around on eggshells pretending everything is fine often grow up and unconsciously seek out the same situation. I know...
I grew up that way and I repeated the pattern several times.
Sending you a big hug.
Now...he wants MORE????
Anger sounds perfectly appropriate.
One thought...children who grow up watching one parent be an addicted asshat and the other dancing around on eggshells pretending everything is fine often grow up and unconsciously seek out the same situation. I know...
I grew up that way and I repeated the pattern several times.
Sending you a big hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Oh my gosh thank you all very much. That really helped.
I think the responses about my boundaries being crossed and also AH doing the bare minimum really hit home.
If I did and said some of the things he does to me to anyone I’d be nothing but sorry and begging to make it right. But he’s trying to make it about me.
Maybe it does mean I’m more ready than I though to move on. He wants me to go to the therapist with him and there is no way I’m going to take responsibility for his mess. I’m done with being blamed. The only thing I will listen to is his plan to improve himself, anything else I’m going to stand up and walk out.
I think the responses about my boundaries being crossed and also AH doing the bare minimum really hit home.
If I did and said some of the things he does to me to anyone I’d be nothing but sorry and begging to make it right. But he’s trying to make it about me.
Maybe it does mean I’m more ready than I though to move on. He wants me to go to the therapist with him and there is no way I’m going to take responsibility for his mess. I’m done with being blamed. The only thing I will listen to is his plan to improve himself, anything else I’m going to stand up and walk out.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Michel.
Welcome.
Your anger sounds pretty healthy to me.
Agree with Dandy. Your husband is emotionally abusive.
Don’t buy what he’s selling.
If he truly wants to work on his recovery, tell him to have at it.
You will use the time to work on yours.
.
Welcome.
Your anger sounds pretty healthy to me.
Agree with Dandy. Your husband is emotionally abusive.
Don’t buy what he’s selling.
If he truly wants to work on his recovery, tell him to have at it.
You will use the time to work on yours.
.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
time to take your power back. but here is a caution, he will NOT LIKE IT. til now it's been his show, his little kingdom with his little minions. he feeds off of that. and if you take away his power source, he is likely to not react well.
i am not saying that you should therefore take his crap and keep your mouth shut. however you could use some qualified support as you navigate thru this next part.
i am not saying that you should therefore take his crap and keep your mouth shut. however you could use some qualified support as you navigate thru this next part.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
This sounds like my husband. I have learned I can't listen to his plans for himself. I must see his actions on a daily consistent manner. Does he make an attempt to support you to his family? Is he still focused on his way? Does he accept your differences. Once he feels he's comfortable, he will most likely go back to his old ways.
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