Not recovering well, not coping.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Not recovering well, not coping.
This weekend I discovered something about myself after trying to get back to work for a week. 1) It was too soon to get back to work.
2) Whenever I meet new people, my first thought is: you're probably a person with a secret, like some secret addiction. You probably have a horrible addiction that no one at work knows about. Or you abuse your wife. (And then I just feel like running away). If I meet someone who looks happy and "normal", I think: you probably have no idea what suffering is like, you've probably had a totally blessed life and I just hate you for it, I hate everybody... etc. If I meet a child, and see that they're behaving crazy -- climbing on things, screaming, hitting other kids, I think: you're probably going to be in a ditch with a bottle by the time you're 20, you're probably being abused at home, you probably score high on the ACE test, someone should save you before it's too late, you poor almost-human. If I meet a teenager, I think: you're probably lying to your parents about what you do after school, you've probably taken more drugs than I knew names of when I was your age.
3) I've reached PEAK anxiety and social phobia. From time to time, when I'm really stressed and super busy, all the abuse my ex screamed at me when he was being violent comes back: it's your fault I take these drugs, you're unlovable, you are abusive for not loving me enough, it's you who's abusive not me -- do you hear me? It's your fault if I die, YOUR fault... etc. When I meet new people, I can hear his voice echoing in the back of my brain. I think: oh no, this new person does not know I've got this voice shouting at me in my brain. If I meet a kid, I think: this kid is doing something innocent and probably fun, and I can't even SEE what they're doing because all I'm thinking of is this crazy voice in my brain shouting at me. I think this is PTSD. Or maybe I've gone totally bonkers. I'm projecting a lot. My experiences have nothing to do with other people's experiences. I need to be in... a cave, away from society. I also need a new therapist ASAP. Help me SR.
4) It was too soon for me to get back to work.
2) Whenever I meet new people, my first thought is: you're probably a person with a secret, like some secret addiction. You probably have a horrible addiction that no one at work knows about. Or you abuse your wife. (And then I just feel like running away). If I meet someone who looks happy and "normal", I think: you probably have no idea what suffering is like, you've probably had a totally blessed life and I just hate you for it, I hate everybody... etc. If I meet a child, and see that they're behaving crazy -- climbing on things, screaming, hitting other kids, I think: you're probably going to be in a ditch with a bottle by the time you're 20, you're probably being abused at home, you probably score high on the ACE test, someone should save you before it's too late, you poor almost-human. If I meet a teenager, I think: you're probably lying to your parents about what you do after school, you've probably taken more drugs than I knew names of when I was your age.
3) I've reached PEAK anxiety and social phobia. From time to time, when I'm really stressed and super busy, all the abuse my ex screamed at me when he was being violent comes back: it's your fault I take these drugs, you're unlovable, you are abusive for not loving me enough, it's you who's abusive not me -- do you hear me? It's your fault if I die, YOUR fault... etc. When I meet new people, I can hear his voice echoing in the back of my brain. I think: oh no, this new person does not know I've got this voice shouting at me in my brain. If I meet a kid, I think: this kid is doing something innocent and probably fun, and I can't even SEE what they're doing because all I'm thinking of is this crazy voice in my brain shouting at me. I think this is PTSD. Or maybe I've gone totally bonkers. I'm projecting a lot. My experiences have nothing to do with other people's experiences. I need to be in... a cave, away from society. I also need a new therapist ASAP. Help me SR.
4) It was too soon for me to get back to work.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Sent you a message with more details. Thank you for replying. I'm trying to think of ways to stay calm.
Originally Posted by sylvie83 
Right here Okatz
Sending good wishes and hugs
Try to prioritise finding a good therapist just for you. Keep going to the domestic violence support as well.
In the UK you can search for accredited therapists by location. I tried three before I felt comfortable.
Put some music on, have a cup of tea and have a read through. Book it in asap.
All your fear and anger and everything makes sense having heard what you've been through. Sounds like your brain can't process it (understandably) which is what PTSD is.
When you find someone you feel you can trust and start to share things will start to shift.
Just like our qualifiers, it can be uncomfortable to start the process but it will help in the long run, I'm pretty sure.
Try not to beat yourself up or doubt yourself for having these thoughts and feelings. Your brain is trying to protect you. Let the thoughts come and let them drift away. Keep telling yourself those kids and people you meet are not him...they're not your ex...
Keep a gentle eye out for little moments like the one you described with the flower the other day.
Try to nurture yourself. Little walks. Fresh air. Nice food. Nap if you want.
It may take time but things can change.
Wishing you all the very best (p,s, reply on your post on the other thread about therapy)
Sending good wishes and hugs
Try to prioritise finding a good therapist just for you. Keep going to the domestic violence support as well.
In the UK you can search for accredited therapists by location. I tried three before I felt comfortable.
Put some music on, have a cup of tea and have a read through. Book it in asap.
All your fear and anger and everything makes sense having heard what you've been through. Sounds like your brain can't process it (understandably) which is what PTSD is.
When you find someone you feel you can trust and start to share things will start to shift.
Just like our qualifiers, it can be uncomfortable to start the process but it will help in the long run, I'm pretty sure.
Try not to beat yourself up or doubt yourself for having these thoughts and feelings. Your brain is trying to protect you. Let the thoughts come and let them drift away. Keep telling yourself those kids and people you meet are not him...they're not your ex...
Keep a gentle eye out for little moments like the one you described with the flower the other day.
Try to nurture yourself. Little walks. Fresh air. Nice food. Nap if you want.
It may take time but things can change.
Wishing you all the very best (p,s, reply on your post on the other thread about therapy)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Ophelia.
I think it’s going to take time and outside help for you to feel safe and whole again.
Be good to yourself. Time heals.
As sylvie said, find someone with whom you feel comfortable, and listen and share.
Sending you good thoughts.
I think it’s going to take time and outside help for you to feel safe and whole again.
Be good to yourself. Time heals.
As sylvie said, find someone with whom you feel comfortable, and listen and share.
Sending you good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Ophelia
You have obviously been through a very traumatic experience. You have dealt with it for a long time. This crazy drama became your norm. It became my norm.
Try to go easy on yourself & know its going to take time before you unravel all of this. Your mind needs to heal & re-program - as does mine.
Yes there are a lot of messed up people in this world. But also its a big world & there are a lot of good people as well. Look at all the people here on SR who are trying to help you. They all have good intentions for you & your life.
When I see happy people in this world - when I see couples who are happy & enjoying their lives - its hard for me to take. But also in a sense it does give me hope that there is happiness out there. Maybe one day I will get a chance to find it.
From a social standpoint you have to give it time. Its also still hard for me. At least we have knowledge now of how to properly read red flags. Try to look for the good in people. Red flags & bad actions will show you who to stay clear of.
Your going through a process. Please give it time. Try your best to stay calm & focus on small things which bring you happiness. Be mindful of where your mind is taking you. Try to change the channel in your mind when you find it taking you to dark places. Try not to dwell in dark places.
Ophelia I wish you peace of mind.
You have obviously been through a very traumatic experience. You have dealt with it for a long time. This crazy drama became your norm. It became my norm.
Try to go easy on yourself & know its going to take time before you unravel all of this. Your mind needs to heal & re-program - as does mine.
Yes there are a lot of messed up people in this world. But also its a big world & there are a lot of good people as well. Look at all the people here on SR who are trying to help you. They all have good intentions for you & your life.
When I see happy people in this world - when I see couples who are happy & enjoying their lives - its hard for me to take. But also in a sense it does give me hope that there is happiness out there. Maybe one day I will get a chance to find it.
From a social standpoint you have to give it time. Its also still hard for me. At least we have knowledge now of how to properly read red flags. Try to look for the good in people. Red flags & bad actions will show you who to stay clear of.
Your going through a process. Please give it time. Try your best to stay calm & focus on small things which bring you happiness. Be mindful of where your mind is taking you. Try to change the channel in your mind when you find it taking you to dark places. Try not to dwell in dark places.
Ophelia I wish you peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you need some new healthy "tapes" to play in your head. right now, you've got a couple old tapes playing on a circular loop, like being stuck in an elevator while "Memory" from Cats plays over and over. or MMMBop by Hanson.
i wish you strength and swiftness in finding a new therapist. you deserve better than the voices in your head tell you. and trust me, MANY of us have "voices" in our heads.....some are louder, some are quieter, some are very incident specific. some are wise. some are not.
there are lots of sleep meditation tapes with a wide variety of themes. i have Audible and have tuned up a few. you might look into something like that. just nice peaceful music and a pleasant soothing voice saying nice things.
i wish you strength and swiftness in finding a new therapist. you deserve better than the voices in your head tell you. and trust me, MANY of us have "voices" in our heads.....some are louder, some are quieter, some are very incident specific. some are wise. some are not.
there are lots of sleep meditation tapes with a wide variety of themes. i have Audible and have tuned up a few. you might look into something like that. just nice peaceful music and a pleasant soothing voice saying nice things.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Those are two songs that I wouldn't want to be stuck with in an elevator.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you need some new healthy "tapes" to play in your head. right now, you've got a couple old tapes playing on a circular loop, like being stuck in an elevator while "Memory" from Cats plays over and over. or MMMBop by Hanson.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
A young man gave his testimony at Celebrate Recovery recently. He mentioned that he used to think church was full of hypocrites. And now he knows for sure that it is. And thankfully, he said, there's always room for one more.
This doesn't just apply to church. We're all hypocrites in one way or another. We all have issues, secrets. A lot of the suspicions you have about people are probably right. And you're right to protect yourself. But try to extend a little grace now and then, just as I'm sure you'd hope people would do for you.
Seek out healthy people. You know now what to look for. You don't want to do this on your own.
Remember your ah-ha recovery moment from a while back. Cling to little moments like that.
Blessings
This doesn't just apply to church. We're all hypocrites in one way or another. We all have issues, secrets. A lot of the suspicions you have about people are probably right. And you're right to protect yourself. But try to extend a little grace now and then, just as I'm sure you'd hope people would do for you.
Seek out healthy people. You know now what to look for. You don't want to do this on your own.
Remember your ah-ha recovery moment from a while back. Cling to little moments like that.
Blessings
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
It's hard for me to make those distinctions right now as I'm still a bit paranoid. I hope that I get to the point where I can actually... socialize.
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
A young man gave his testimony at Celebrate Recovery recently. He mentioned that he used to think church was full of hypocrites. And now he knows for sure that it is. And thankfully, he said, there's always room for one more.
This doesn't just apply to church. We're all hypocrites in one way or another. We all have issues, secrets. A lot of the suspicions you have about people are probably right. And you're right to protect yourself. But try to extend a little grace now and then, just as I'm sure you'd hope people would do for you.
Seek out healthy people. You know now what to look for. You don't want to do this on your own.
Remember your ah-ha recovery moment from a while back. Cling to little moments like that.
Blessings
This doesn't just apply to church. We're all hypocrites in one way or another. We all have issues, secrets. A lot of the suspicions you have about people are probably right. And you're right to protect yourself. But try to extend a little grace now and then, just as I'm sure you'd hope people would do for you.
Seek out healthy people. You know now what to look for. You don't want to do this on your own.
Remember your ah-ha recovery moment from a while back. Cling to little moments like that.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you need a therapist who specializes in EMDR, specifically who is familiar with treating PTSD.
I will also throw out there that my children have an addict father. I broke the chain. I got them therapy and they are AMAZING. They can handle trauma better than any adult I know. They don't drink, they don't do drugs.
I understand projecting your fears and assumptions on others. I did that for a while after my divorce. With therapy you will also see that is simply transferring your fears to others. Thankfully, not everyone is the same. Once you are around some healthy relationships you will realize that there are good ones, and there are bad ones. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves so that when it is time to be in a relationship of any kind, we have the wisdom and knowledge to be in the right type of relationships.
Big hugs.
I will also throw out there that my children have an addict father. I broke the chain. I got them therapy and they are AMAZING. They can handle trauma better than any adult I know. They don't drink, they don't do drugs.
I understand projecting your fears and assumptions on others. I did that for a while after my divorce. With therapy you will also see that is simply transferring your fears to others. Thankfully, not everyone is the same. Once you are around some healthy relationships you will realize that there are good ones, and there are bad ones. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves so that when it is time to be in a relationship of any kind, we have the wisdom and knowledge to be in the right type of relationships.
Big hugs.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Funny this. My ex said that he wanted to use EMDR to cure "the reason" for his "need" to use drugs. I honestly don't know if it would have worked (for him). For me... maybe. I'll bring this up with my therapist the next time I see her... which is when? I hope soon.
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I think you need a therapist who specializes in EMDR, specifically who is familiar with treating PTSD.
I will also throw out there that my children have an addict father. I broke the chain. I got them therapy and they are AMAZING. They can handle trauma better than any adult I know. They don't drink, they don't do drugs.
I understand projecting your fears and assumptions on others. I did that for a while after my divorce. With therapy you will also see that is simply transferring your fears to others. Thankfully, not everyone is the same. Once you are around some healthy relationships you will realize that there are good ones, and there are bad ones. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves so that when it is time to be in a relationship of any kind, we have the wisdom and knowledge to be in the right type of relationships.
Big hugs.
I will also throw out there that my children have an addict father. I broke the chain. I got them therapy and they are AMAZING. They can handle trauma better than any adult I know. They don't drink, they don't do drugs.
I understand projecting your fears and assumptions on others. I did that for a while after my divorce. With therapy you will also see that is simply transferring your fears to others. Thankfully, not everyone is the same. Once you are around some healthy relationships you will realize that there are good ones, and there are bad ones. The only thing we can do is work on ourselves so that when it is time to be in a relationship of any kind, we have the wisdom and knowledge to be in the right type of relationships.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just make sure to get someone who really knows how to do it. If not it won't help. However, for people who do have PTSD it is known to be quite successful.
As far as curing his need to drink....LOL...that I would doubt.
Just focus on YOU friend!!!!
As far as curing his need to drink....LOL...that I would doubt.
Just focus on YOU friend!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
A good exercise that is EMDR-like is nature trail walking. There aren't noises or fast movements, and on a trail I look from side to side continuously anyway, while processing past traumas. Combined with controlled breathing, in time it helps a lot.
Also what helped me was "tapping." It sounds kind of "woo" - but it really helps in the moment to bring me back to the now and to be where my feet are when I am feeling fear or feeling scattered. It's based on acupressure points and in the advanced sessions deals specifically with traumas and reactions. You can find Tapping on Youtube.
Keep seeking, there is healing available and a lot of it can be done without a therapist.
Also what helped me was "tapping." It sounds kind of "woo" - but it really helps in the moment to bring me back to the now and to be where my feet are when I am feeling fear or feeling scattered. It's based on acupressure points and in the advanced sessions deals specifically with traumas and reactions. You can find Tapping on Youtube.
Keep seeking, there is healing available and a lot of it can be done without a therapist.
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