How do I just walk away?
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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How do I just walk away?
This is my first post on this site. I have been reading here for over 2 months now.
I have no doubt that leaving my XA boyfriend was the right and the only path forward. But my heart breaks to watch him devolve and slither into his pain with his bottle. How do you detach and watch someone slowly kill them self?
After a year and half of dating, and many beautiful and genuine times and quite a few painful and progressively worsening drunken incidents, I decided to leave the man that wanted to marry me. We dreamt some beautiful dreams together. I have no doubt that in all of those moments he was present and authentic and truly loved me. He still does. Everywhere I look in my home and my life he has left something behind to remind me that he loves me. The reminders cut my heart and soul every minute. He hates himself for not being able to make me happy, he says. He feels that his alcoholism is a symptom of his need for escape from this painful reality and his demons within stemming from a heartbreaking childhood of neglect and abuse. He won't go into a program. He goes to AA sometimes and then drinks right after.
I haven't talked to him or seen him much since we broke up over 2 months ago. Keeping my distance and trying to heal. Although in the silence, and ignored calls and texts, I can hear him screaming in pain. But I started to recently take his calls and speak to him, and I feel..he is slipping away. He knows he hurt me and he feels awful but he's nowhere near recovery. He drinks, goes to work and does well at his job but when he's not at work, he drinks continuously and then takes sleeping pills to knock himself out to sleep. He's also diabetic. I have nightmares that he will never wake up again one day.
I tried to be rational with him, appealing to his logic, yet again, to step out of his self destruction, to give himself up to God, to tap into the help that is so easily accessible to him, but I'm not getting through - i just feel him slipping away. I know his brain is not in the right state and he cannot hear me. And then sometimes there is blame. He blames me for leaving him at his weakest. What's left of my heart splits open again a million times over to hear him doubt my solidarity and love for him.
I am going to AlAnon every week, seeing a therapist, reading a lot of literature (including Codependent No More), and I've read all the "classic reading" posts on SR, and so many others here. I am so very, very thankful for this site - it has been a huge source of help to me even though this is the first time I've posted. I feel so isolated and alone sometimes - my friends are baffled that I would shed one tear over leaving an alcoholic, that I would speak to him, that I would miss him. I am also trying to take care of myself as my health has greatly suffered due to this relationship.
I don't want us to restart as lovers, I know there's no future there with the way he is today, but...I am having the hardest time accepting that the man I love so much, who's a good man deep down, is slowly fading away. I pray a lot, knowing I am not in control. Knowing I can't fix or cure or save him. But I feel so much sadness as I read the heartbreaking stories here in this forum of good people losing their lives to this substance. I fear he's headed downwards like so many's loved ones here.
My heart hurts so much for him. How does one accept that in order to live one has to walk away and let the loved one left behind possibly wither away all alone? My head knows all the big-picture answers, but my heart is still in abject despair.
I can't seem to find a way out of this madness.
I have no doubt that leaving my XA boyfriend was the right and the only path forward. But my heart breaks to watch him devolve and slither into his pain with his bottle. How do you detach and watch someone slowly kill them self?
After a year and half of dating, and many beautiful and genuine times and quite a few painful and progressively worsening drunken incidents, I decided to leave the man that wanted to marry me. We dreamt some beautiful dreams together. I have no doubt that in all of those moments he was present and authentic and truly loved me. He still does. Everywhere I look in my home and my life he has left something behind to remind me that he loves me. The reminders cut my heart and soul every minute. He hates himself for not being able to make me happy, he says. He feels that his alcoholism is a symptom of his need for escape from this painful reality and his demons within stemming from a heartbreaking childhood of neglect and abuse. He won't go into a program. He goes to AA sometimes and then drinks right after.
I haven't talked to him or seen him much since we broke up over 2 months ago. Keeping my distance and trying to heal. Although in the silence, and ignored calls and texts, I can hear him screaming in pain. But I started to recently take his calls and speak to him, and I feel..he is slipping away. He knows he hurt me and he feels awful but he's nowhere near recovery. He drinks, goes to work and does well at his job but when he's not at work, he drinks continuously and then takes sleeping pills to knock himself out to sleep. He's also diabetic. I have nightmares that he will never wake up again one day.
I tried to be rational with him, appealing to his logic, yet again, to step out of his self destruction, to give himself up to God, to tap into the help that is so easily accessible to him, but I'm not getting through - i just feel him slipping away. I know his brain is not in the right state and he cannot hear me. And then sometimes there is blame. He blames me for leaving him at his weakest. What's left of my heart splits open again a million times over to hear him doubt my solidarity and love for him.
I am going to AlAnon every week, seeing a therapist, reading a lot of literature (including Codependent No More), and I've read all the "classic reading" posts on SR, and so many others here. I am so very, very thankful for this site - it has been a huge source of help to me even though this is the first time I've posted. I feel so isolated and alone sometimes - my friends are baffled that I would shed one tear over leaving an alcoholic, that I would speak to him, that I would miss him. I am also trying to take care of myself as my health has greatly suffered due to this relationship.
I don't want us to restart as lovers, I know there's no future there with the way he is today, but...I am having the hardest time accepting that the man I love so much, who's a good man deep down, is slowly fading away. I pray a lot, knowing I am not in control. Knowing I can't fix or cure or save him. But I feel so much sadness as I read the heartbreaking stories here in this forum of good people losing their lives to this substance. I fear he's headed downwards like so many's loved ones here.
My heart hurts so much for him. How does one accept that in order to live one has to walk away and let the loved one left behind possibly wither away all alone? My head knows all the big-picture answers, but my heart is still in abject despair.
I can't seem to find a way out of this madness.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hello Xia, wow I really feel the pain in your post, both yours and how you describe his. It truly is heartbreaking.
I expect this will sound harsh but I don't mean it to.
You being his gf didn't stop his addiction, right? Or his downward spiral? You do not have that power no matter how much you love him. I'm sure you've seen it written on here often: If love could cure addiction this forum would not exist.
Unless he decides to stop he will get worse with or without you. As you correctly said, there are resources readily available to help him stop if he wants to.
Every time I read something like this - the guilt trips heaped on the suffering loved ones - it just makes me furious. It's such utter crap. Please, stop being heartbroken about this and get angry at it! You don't deserve it. You don't owe him anything. I get guilt trips too, from a friend who tends toward self pity. It used to break my heart but not anymore. Now when he starts in on how he has it so rough (he doesn't), everything is awful and unfair (it isn't), and no one ever helps him out (oh please) I ignore him until he stops.
IMO you should go back to ignoring your ex. He may put more of an effort into recovery without your shoulder to cry on. Or he may not, at least not right away. From your post it seems your increased contact is hurting you a great deal and not helping him.
Keep praying, Xia, I truly believe that's the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. Big hugs to you my friend.
I expect this will sound harsh but I don't mean it to.
You being his gf didn't stop his addiction, right? Or his downward spiral? You do not have that power no matter how much you love him. I'm sure you've seen it written on here often: If love could cure addiction this forum would not exist.
Unless he decides to stop he will get worse with or without you. As you correctly said, there are resources readily available to help him stop if he wants to.
He blames me for leaving him at his weakest. What's left of my heart splits open again a million times over to hear him doubt my solidarity and love for him.
IMO you should go back to ignoring your ex. He may put more of an effort into recovery without your shoulder to cry on. Or he may not, at least not right away. From your post it seems your increased contact is hurting you a great deal and not helping him.
Keep praying, Xia, I truly believe that's the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. Big hugs to you my friend.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Xia, I understand the feelings in your post. As the anger I felt towards XAH passed, I entered a time where I felt much like you do now.
We lived in this old farmhouse for over 20 years. There is nowhere I can look and not see something he built or fixed. I can remember bursting into tears one day when I opened the filing cabinet and noticed that the tabs were all made out in his handwriting. When your life has become so enmeshed w/another person's, for better or worse, it is terrifically hard and unbelievably painful to rip apart what has grown together.
I heard similar things from XAH, and it broke my heart too. After a certain number of repetitions, though, I started to question the "not able to" part--in all honesty, it looked way more like "not willing." Like your A, he would attend AA while never missing a beat in his drinking. On the day I decided to convert the legal separation to a divorce, he had told me that he NEVER ONCE called anyone when he felt like drinking. He never once reached out for help. If he really wanted to drink, he just did. He had all the phone numbers, knew all the tools and resources. And time after time, did not use any of them.
It's like saying "I can't go anywhere b/c my car doesn't work. I'm unwilling to put the key in the ignition and turn it, so it doesn't work and I'm stuck here."
Your thread title is "How do I just walk away?" My answer is "one step at a time." You are not abandoning him; he is not a helpless pet or child, he is an adult who is responsible for himself.
The pain lessens and your understanding grows as time passes. I can almost guarantee you'll see things much differently in a month, 6 months, and a year--but you've got to give yourself time and space to heal and learn, and that isn't going to happen if you're all caught up in the chaos of an active A's life, spending all your energy on him and his problems rather than on your own growth.
One step at a time, Xia. There's a reason they're called "12 STEP programs..."
Everywhere I look in my home and my life he has left something behind to remind me that he loves me. The reminders cut my heart and soul every minute.
He hates himself for not being able to make me happy, he says.
It's like saying "I can't go anywhere b/c my car doesn't work. I'm unwilling to put the key in the ignition and turn it, so it doesn't work and I'm stuck here."
Your thread title is "How do I just walk away?" My answer is "one step at a time." You are not abandoning him; he is not a helpless pet or child, he is an adult who is responsible for himself.
The pain lessens and your understanding grows as time passes. I can almost guarantee you'll see things much differently in a month, 6 months, and a year--but you've got to give yourself time and space to heal and learn, and that isn't going to happen if you're all caught up in the chaos of an active A's life, spending all your energy on him and his problems rather than on your own growth.
One step at a time, Xia. There's a reason they're called "12 STEP programs..."
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Xia,
Welcome and glad you came out of the closet. We are here to support our members as we all understand.
To try and understand a loving relationship with an alcoholic, I compare it like this. You are the innocent dog and you love your master more then anything in the world. You would do everything for him; you go without food or water if he forgets to feed you; you go longer stents without going to the bathroom and don't cause any accidents, you don't bark because you are afraid you will get hit or abused for making a sound, you just continue to wag your tail, smile and love your master with all your heart. Every once in a while he will throw you a bone if he detects that you are losing your spirit.
As good as you are being, nothing ever makes your master happy, and he still get angry with you 24/7. As hard has you try, you keep loving master, but he keeps abusing you. You continue to lick the masters face even after being hit by him for something that had nothing to do with, just because master is master, and you love master so much.
It's ok to still love your bf. No one says you have to hate him, just because we love someone doesn't mean they are good for us. Love him from a distance and let him find his own power to cure himself. It is out of our control. You do not need to be the doggie to cheer him on and then get abused, you are worth so much more then that. I hope this helps.
Hugs, keep posting. Go no contact, as every day you talk, you start at day one again, just like an addict and a drink.
Welcome and glad you came out of the closet. We are here to support our members as we all understand.
To try and understand a loving relationship with an alcoholic, I compare it like this. You are the innocent dog and you love your master more then anything in the world. You would do everything for him; you go without food or water if he forgets to feed you; you go longer stents without going to the bathroom and don't cause any accidents, you don't bark because you are afraid you will get hit or abused for making a sound, you just continue to wag your tail, smile and love your master with all your heart. Every once in a while he will throw you a bone if he detects that you are losing your spirit.
As good as you are being, nothing ever makes your master happy, and he still get angry with you 24/7. As hard has you try, you keep loving master, but he keeps abusing you. You continue to lick the masters face even after being hit by him for something that had nothing to do with, just because master is master, and you love master so much.
It's ok to still love your bf. No one says you have to hate him, just because we love someone doesn't mean they are good for us. Love him from a distance and let him find his own power to cure himself. It is out of our control. You do not need to be the doggie to cheer him on and then get abused, you are worth so much more then that. I hope this helps.
Hugs, keep posting. Go no contact, as every day you talk, you start at day one again, just like an addict and a drink.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Xia
There were so many things you wrote that I wanted to quote. Your whole post is rich with meaning.
I am 100% sure that God's will is for your boyfriend to be delivered from his demons and cured of his addictions. I believe God wants the whole world to be saved.
If this happened, what would this mean to you? Would it mean you guys could get back together?
Our plans are not very often what God has planned for us. Getting back together with him could be the destruction of you both.
You are in a VERY good place right now. You are praying and God is dealing with you. Sometimes he uses tragedies, like broken relationships, to get us to such a place.
Keep coming back!!!
There were so many things you wrote that I wanted to quote. Your whole post is rich with meaning.
I am 100% sure that God's will is for your boyfriend to be delivered from his demons and cured of his addictions. I believe God wants the whole world to be saved.
If this happened, what would this mean to you? Would it mean you guys could get back together?
Our plans are not very often what God has planned for us. Getting back together with him could be the destruction of you both.
You are in a VERY good place right now. You are praying and God is dealing with you. Sometimes he uses tragedies, like broken relationships, to get us to such a place.
Keep coming back!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
Thank you
I'm so touched and moved by the replies to my post - thank you to each and everyone of you for taking the time to read and provide insights, encouragement, compassion and help. I read and reread the replies several times. I find solace when you guys shared how you can relate to the feelings that are surging through me and your analogies registered with me very much. I find comfort when you guys unpacked my words to help me see more, and provided the support and encouragement that this is the way forward even though it is acutely painful right now. I appreciate the anger - thank you 53500- for the illogical, selfish and destructive blame he heaps upon me. I saw the analogies in the car (thank you honeypig) and like Sylvie said I've done so much akin to putting the key in the ignition for him AND driving the car, but he won't step forward wholeheartedly. Sylvie you are right - the freedoms he and I choose are not compatible. Maia yes every day of contact is starting the madness at day one. And Eau thank you for reminding me that just because I don't know God's plans doesn't mean they are ominous.
I hear you guys in cutting contact. Just after I first posted he called me and I told him I can't continue having contact with him for I can't separate my parts as the hurt, angry and broken XGF and the loving, helpful "just friend." There were more tears and sobbing and while we were talking he quietly drove over and was at my doorstep while I was on the phone. Seeing him after all this time was heart wrenching. There was a lot of hugging and crying and sadness but still the same circular futile dialogue, and some zingers thrown in to zap me - like, "I'll eventually start dating again," "thanks for consolidating my things into one drawer - it'll make it easier to carry them off to the next home I start spending nights in." I know what he's doing and it's manipulative and it makes me so angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and let the colossal volume of my pain blast him, his toxicity, this pain and madness away from my sphere of consciousness. He left and I cried myself to sleep. I've ignored his texts this morning.
One minute at a time...
I hear you guys in cutting contact. Just after I first posted he called me and I told him I can't continue having contact with him for I can't separate my parts as the hurt, angry and broken XGF and the loving, helpful "just friend." There were more tears and sobbing and while we were talking he quietly drove over and was at my doorstep while I was on the phone. Seeing him after all this time was heart wrenching. There was a lot of hugging and crying and sadness but still the same circular futile dialogue, and some zingers thrown in to zap me - like, "I'll eventually start dating again," "thanks for consolidating my things into one drawer - it'll make it easier to carry them off to the next home I start spending nights in." I know what he's doing and it's manipulative and it makes me so angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and let the colossal volume of my pain blast him, his toxicity, this pain and madness away from my sphere of consciousness. He left and I cried myself to sleep. I've ignored his texts this morning.
One minute at a time...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
but still the same circular futile dialogue, and some zingers thrown in to zap me - like, "I'll eventually start dating again," "thanks for consolidating my things into one drawer - it'll make it easier to carry them off to the next home I start spending nights in." I know what he's doing and it's manipulative and it makes me so angry.
I know you are in a lot of pain right now and I'm so sorry. Keep ignoring him and your pain will lessen, my friend. Responding is like ripping your own surgical stitches out.
Prayers to you...
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“like, "I'll eventually start dating again," "thanks for consolidating my things into one drawer - it'll make it easier to carry them off to the next home I start spending nights in.”
Well, isn’t he precious?
Stay angry, if it helps you move on. Chances are that “screaming in pain”you think you’re hearing isn’t there at all...he has his alcohol, after all.
Time to focus on you and the healing you CAN control...yours.
Sending you a hug.
Well, isn’t he precious?
Stay angry, if it helps you move on. Chances are that “screaming in pain”you think you’re hearing isn’t there at all...he has his alcohol, after all.
Time to focus on you and the healing you CAN control...yours.
Sending you a hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 23
Thank you to all for the encouragement and validation. He called and texted me yesterday and I didn't respond. I feel so frustrated and even mad at myself that after over 2 months of us splitting it feels like a fresh breakup all over again. The same feelings and thoughts of sadness, mourning, anxiety are coursing through my heart and mind. The thought of him moving on and replacing me stings and I rebuke myself for caring about that one bit. But the feelings just come unannounced. Trying to keep up the self talk to keep my resolve strong. AlAnon meeting tomorrow. Thank you so much for your prayers, hugs and support. Hugs back!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I'm wondering if you've done the breakup-get-back-together thing with him before? That kind of past behavior does encourage him that if he works at it you'll cave.
I did that with one past BF and I learned that when I'm out I have to be out 100%. I can't be friends with them. They had their chance, blew it, I'm not interested in their dramas any further. I'm not about to prolong my own misery. Burn me once, shame on you [and all that.]
Like it is said so often, no new contact = no new hurt.
I did that with one past BF and I learned that when I'm out I have to be out 100%. I can't be friends with them. They had their chance, blew it, I'm not interested in their dramas any further. I'm not about to prolong my own misery. Burn me once, shame on you [and all that.]
Like it is said so often, no new contact = no new hurt.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I'm wondering if you've done the breakup-get-back-together thing with him before? That kind of past behavior does encourage him that if he works at it you'll cave.
I did that with one past BF and I learned that when I'm out I have to be out 100%. I can't be friends with them. They had their chance, blew it, I'm not interested in their dramas any further. I'm not about to prolong my own misery. Burn me once, shame on you [and all that.]
Like it is said so often, no new contact = no new hurt.
I did that with one past BF and I learned that when I'm out I have to be out 100%. I can't be friends with them. They had their chance, blew it, I'm not interested in their dramas any further. I'm not about to prolong my own misery. Burn me once, shame on you [and all that.]
Like it is said so often, no new contact = no new hurt.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Xia
Your situation sounds not too different from mine (dating 1.5 years, didn't know he was an A at first, he lied about it, he wanted to marry me, blame, pleading with me just not to leave him as I believe he wanted to pretend he had it all together and I was a good "beard" for that). I eventually broke it off after I realized it was never going to get any better. Good for you for advocating for your own happiness and believing you deserve better.
I went no contact with my xAbf. He texted me one time about 3 weeks after we broke up and when I told him I no longer wanted contact with him he became verbally abusive. I then blocked his number. On Christmas Eve he called me 5 times in a row (I thought I had blocked his number but it had only been blocked on text not phone calls). I did not answer. My anxiety ratcheted up each time he called. It was a completely selfish thing (from my point of view) for him to try to impose on me on Christmas Eve. I was in the middle of driving to my parents house so I could not just block the number so instead I had to listen to the phone ring repeatedly. Over and over and over. As soon as I got to my parents driveway I blocked his number from calling me.
It was the single best thing I could do to move on and not listen to his gas-lighting, blaming, or verbal abuse. He is a grown man and needs to deal with his own issues. They aren't my problem anymore.
My advice to you would be to block his number from call and text. No more contact = no more new anxiety or hurt from him.
Your situation sounds not too different from mine (dating 1.5 years, didn't know he was an A at first, he lied about it, he wanted to marry me, blame, pleading with me just not to leave him as I believe he wanted to pretend he had it all together and I was a good "beard" for that). I eventually broke it off after I realized it was never going to get any better. Good for you for advocating for your own happiness and believing you deserve better.
I went no contact with my xAbf. He texted me one time about 3 weeks after we broke up and when I told him I no longer wanted contact with him he became verbally abusive. I then blocked his number. On Christmas Eve he called me 5 times in a row (I thought I had blocked his number but it had only been blocked on text not phone calls). I did not answer. My anxiety ratcheted up each time he called. It was a completely selfish thing (from my point of view) for him to try to impose on me on Christmas Eve. I was in the middle of driving to my parents house so I could not just block the number so instead I had to listen to the phone ring repeatedly. Over and over and over. As soon as I got to my parents driveway I blocked his number from calling me.
It was the single best thing I could do to move on and not listen to his gas-lighting, blaming, or verbal abuse. He is a grown man and needs to deal with his own issues. They aren't my problem anymore.
My advice to you would be to block his number from call and text. No more contact = no more new anxiety or hurt from him.
Bulldogs46
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Georgia
Posts: 21
I so feel your pain and I totally understand where you are coming from and where you have been. We become so engrossed in their addiction and trying to cure them, that we lose touch with our own reality, our lives, and we also become a victim of their addiction. I've had the blame placed on me many of times (recently as a matter of fact) of how it was my fault and I was the reason that he used, only because I wouldn't allow him to come home and enable him to continue his alcohol and drug use. The thing that hurts the most is that just until Thursday I was the so called love of his life and he wanted to marry me, but Friday came along and he went to be with someone whom he met in rehab just six months ago and he is now living with her. So I know your pain very well and I hope and pray that you get through your pain and suffering as well.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Thank you guys for sharing your personal stories - my heart goes out to you. Just when I think my pain sucks I hear another one of your stories and my heart breaks in ways I didn't know it could.
But I see the strength here too and how much you all are trying and I'm so incredibly inspired and encouraged. Thank you. I'm so grateful for you.
Gosh GreenEyes, I wonder too with the holidays coming what that will be like. I am dreading them this year. And Chamber, I'm so sorry for your pain - I too wonder what I'll truly feel the day I find out he moved on given how much he proclaims he wanted to spend his life with me. Big Hugs to you guys!
But in all my stories so far with him and the ones I can predict going forward, I can clearly see that contact = pain. And that the change has to begin with me.
He kept calling and calling me yesterday and while my MO was to ignore him, I finally picked up and...I let him have it. I told him very firmly yesterday to leave me be, and that he's free to go live his life how he wants and to let me live mine so that I can heal. If he wants what we had he has to get into a program right away and abstain from drinking and if he can't then good luck, I love you, let me go. I told him not to contact me and got off the phone.
The downpour of tears all of sudden stopped for the first time in almost 3 months. I feel very weird. It was kind of cathartic to let him have it yesterday. And the weird bit is im completely aware that he may not have heard everything that I said or he may remember selectively, and I don't care anymore. At least not today.
I hope this calm and beginning of some serenity stays!!! Did any of you go though a shift like that and how did you manage when the old feelings (feeling sorry for him, guilt, softening, reminiscing about all the good times) started to come back?
He hasn't contacted me at all today and I'm okay with that today but I worry that tomorrow I'll fret that he moved on and has forgotten me.
Fingers crossed. It's amazing to notice in the mirror what my eyes are like when they are not swollen, red, and dark circled from all the incessant crying!
But I see the strength here too and how much you all are trying and I'm so incredibly inspired and encouraged. Thank you. I'm so grateful for you.
Gosh GreenEyes, I wonder too with the holidays coming what that will be like. I am dreading them this year. And Chamber, I'm so sorry for your pain - I too wonder what I'll truly feel the day I find out he moved on given how much he proclaims he wanted to spend his life with me. Big Hugs to you guys!
But in all my stories so far with him and the ones I can predict going forward, I can clearly see that contact = pain. And that the change has to begin with me.
He kept calling and calling me yesterday and while my MO was to ignore him, I finally picked up and...I let him have it. I told him very firmly yesterday to leave me be, and that he's free to go live his life how he wants and to let me live mine so that I can heal. If he wants what we had he has to get into a program right away and abstain from drinking and if he can't then good luck, I love you, let me go. I told him not to contact me and got off the phone.
The downpour of tears all of sudden stopped for the first time in almost 3 months. I feel very weird. It was kind of cathartic to let him have it yesterday. And the weird bit is im completely aware that he may not have heard everything that I said or he may remember selectively, and I don't care anymore. At least not today.
I hope this calm and beginning of some serenity stays!!! Did any of you go though a shift like that and how did you manage when the old feelings (feeling sorry for him, guilt, softening, reminiscing about all the good times) started to come back?
He hasn't contacted me at all today and I'm okay with that today but I worry that tomorrow I'll fret that he moved on and has forgotten me.
Fingers crossed. It's amazing to notice in the mirror what my eyes are like when they are not swollen, red, and dark circled from all the incessant crying!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Did any of you go though a shift like that and how did you manage when the old feelings (feeling sorry for him, guilt, softening, reminiscing about all the good times) started to come back?
We were together four years and, like so many others, I thought our love was so great and wonderful and special he'd stay sober to keep it.
I felt like I was in shock for a couple of weeks. I had to tell everyone, cancel the wedding plans, return gifts, etc.
After a while it all lifted and I felt like I'd crawled out from under a rock. What an incredible relief to be free of the addict drama, the never-ending fear of relapse and all the crap that comes with it.
It sounds like you're starting to see the light that comes from pushing away that rock. Hang in there Xia, it gets better.
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