Should i leave?

Old 10-26-2017, 10:21 AM
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Should i leave?

Hi everyone, I really need help/advice.
so I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, we don't live together (he likes his own space) I didn't know about his drinking until about 6 months in to our relationship and even then he would go 2 months then have a weeks binge which would only stop when I get to him on a Friday from work, since then the time difference has gotten smaller and now its been a weeks difference, we went on our first holiday in sept and apart from 2 days (out of a fortnight) he drank every night and my god did he drink, I thought we was going on a 2 week relaxing holiday, no drinking (he said) and he basically ruined the whole time cos he turned in to an a***hole, anyway since the holiday it was 2 weeks after he went on a drink binge for a week, yet again I had to go and stop him, since that one its been a week and I have just found out his on the drink again this week, I love him dearly but I don't know how much more I can take especially when he's not attempting to get help he just says "ill be fine" the thing that's worrying me is if I don't stop him then what could happen, he's got a great job, lovely car and flat, I don't want him to ruin it all but then where does it stop?
any advice would be appreciated xx
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:39 AM
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Hi Stace and welcome.

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't have a problem with how much he drinks or what happens to him and your relationship when he does, but that you do (and rightly so). He may have a great job, lovely car and flat right now, but alcoholism is a progressive condition and until he commits to recovery, things will only deteriorate from here. The question is, how long do you want to hang on, hoping he will see the light?

I know it is tempting to believe that you have some control over his binges, but if he is determined to keep drinking, there is nothing you can do to stop him. Any control you think you have right now is just control he is allowing you to have. He is an adult, and sometimes we just have to offer other adults the dignity of feeling the consequences of their actions without any buffer.

If you are unhappy in the relationship, then please don't allow the idea that you are "helping" him keep you stuck in it, or the idea that he will figure things out any time soon. Look after yourself, and tend to your own happiness.

Sending strength and courage. Addiction is a beast, and doesn't make sense. It's hard not to take it personally, but it isn't.
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:53 AM
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Stace...I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.. I hope that you will read th rough them...there is sooo much to know.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

By the way...it isn't your job to look after him...that is his job....
lol...how has that been working, out, anyway..? sounds like he is getting worse, even with you looking out for him....
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:07 AM
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I’ve just left my AH after 14 years together. My first reaction is get out. For gods sake, get out NOW. But you’re new to this and like me, you didn’t know a lot about alcoholism. You need to learn and understand the depth of the problem you’re living next to. Read the links. You will know what to do, and you will do it when you’re ready.

Remember to take care of YOU. doesn’t look like anyone else is doing that, and you deserve more of your own love and care than anyone else does.
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:12 AM
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Alcoholism is chronic and progressive. It's also a family disease that touches all who are in the vicinity.

If you switch the question up to "What do I want out of life?" things may clarify quicker.
I've found extra therapy, counseling and support absolutely necessary for me to get into a different mind frame.

Glad you're here, yet I'm sorry for what's brought you here. (((Hugs)))
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:17 AM
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I'm with Nola on this. From someone who's been entwined with an active A for many years now, I would free yourself from the drama, chaos, heartache, and everything else that comes along with being with/loving an A. You aren't living together, you have no assets together, and thankfully no children together.

Read others's posts and the Stickies, and determine if that's the kind of path you wish to go on. Methinks not.

We're here for you. If love, energy and effort (from us) could cure the addiction, this board would not exist, because we all end up putting much more of all of those things in trying to 'fix' the problem that the A's themselves don't believe they have.

I'll use this line again today: Alcoholics don't have relationships - they take hostages. Just sayin'.

Best of luck to you. Glad your here, keep reading and posting.

C-O-D
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:29 AM
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Thank you every for your kind messages/support, I think what breaks my heart the most is his Nan brought him up, she's 81 and she's just lost her dog of 14 years and he keeps putting her through it and I think in someway she relies on me to "save" him on a weekend so he will stop and as much as I love his nan to bits I don't think that's enough for me to stay because like you say, I'm not his career and he's responsible for his own actions, I just never thought it would get to this stage (naïve) and I thought we would be a family and get married etc...... I'm 31 and he's 34
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:36 AM
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You have a long life ahead of you with plenty of happiness to be had, please don't waste it on someone who cannot fully participate in it with you. There are lots of great, sober guys out there with whom you could travel through life together, peacefully.

Relationships are hard enough, without throwing addiction into the mix.

(((HUGS)))

COD
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:39 AM
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and I thought we would be a family and get married etc...... I'm 31 and he's 34
so I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years, we don't live together (he likes his own space)
Doesn’t sound like marriage material from the get go.

Working through those feelings of obligation and guilt can be hard but staying with someone because of those feelings is even harder.

How about you try a weekend of NOT rescuing and keep yourself busy doing something fun instead.
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by stace123 View Post
Thank you every for your kind messages/support, I think what breaks my heart the most is his Nan brought him up, she's 81 and she's just lost her dog of 14 years and he keeps putting her through it and I think in someway she relies on me to "save" him on a weekend so he will stop and as much as I love his nan to bits I don't think that's enough for me to stay because like you say, I'm not his career and he's responsible for his own actions, I just never thought it would get to this stage (naïve) and I thought we would be a family and get married etc...... I'm 31 and he's 34
Stace - My STBXAH's mother has a chronic disease and boy did she love me when we started dating, she felt better that I was there to "take care of him." At first, I had pride in this role until I realized the life sentence of abuse I signed myself up to after we were married.

It is not only at this stage but it isn't even done yet.....it will get WORSE!

I was in my late 20s when I met my STBXAH and everyone was pairing off and getting married. I mean, I did fall in love with him but I saw the warning signs/red flags.

Please save yourself.....this is NOT about you. You do not owe his grandmother anything nor do you own him anything. Let your last holiday be the last thing he ruins in your life.

Sending you good thoughts and wishing you the best!
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:50 AM
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your totally right COD I do deserve happiness and I want that with someone who can share it with me instead of me being worried and anxious all the time not knowing when its guna happen next.

atalose I've wanted to do this sooooooo many times but I just end up caving and going to him but I feel now I should do this this weekend and see what happens (stay strong Stace!)
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Old 10-26-2017, 11:53 AM
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Thank you BAW81, that actually made me quite emotional reading it and that its reality

I think I'm going to distance myself this weekend and have a good chat/cry with my mum (even though she doesn't know the half of it :O )
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:02 PM
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atalose I've wanted to do this sooooooo many times but I just end up caving and going to him but I feel now I should do this this weekend and see what happens (stay strong Stace!)
Exactly! And don’t announce it to him, don’t allow for debate or negotiations, just do it.
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:05 PM
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I will thank you so much atalose, I have no doubt by Sunday he will probably beg me to go see him but you know what? I've had enough!! what do I get in return for all that I have done in the past 3 years? nothing!!!
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Old 10-26-2017, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by stace123 View Post
I will thank you so much atalose, I have no doubt by Sunday he will probably beg me to go see him but you know what? I've had enough!! what do I get in return for all that I have done in the past 3 years? nothing!!!
That's the spirit!!!

Stay strong!
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Old 10-26-2017, 02:40 PM
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As soon as they even sniff you growing a backbone, the manipulation and empty promises flow like crazy. PLEASE be ready for it. IF you've never seen him cry, he'll cry. IF he's never made an effort or hasn't for awhile, a fancy date will be planned and maybe even a special gift. He will give you just enough to make you think he's capable of being who you WANT HIM TO BE but NOT who he truly is.

I don't mean to be so harsh but if I can help anyone based on my own experience, it makes me feel like I didn't suffer for nothing.

Also, please share what's going on fully with your mom and other people who can support you through this, beyond this forum. We hide so much out of paralyzing fear, embarrassment, shame, etc. For me, once I finally talked about it, I was able to truly accept just how bad it was, and figure out what do to next. You will need your mom and others to support you and encourage, and re-encourage, you to move forward.

Marriage and babies with this person is NOT a good idea. If he can't be good to himself or you, he will not be able to be there for a child. And I can tell you first hand, divorcing an alcoholic is the WORST!!!
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Old 10-27-2017, 04:27 AM
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Hi Stace, when you feel you're weakening (when he makes promises, tells you how much he loves you...) think that your 30s are often the time when you meet someone and begin a family. Waste more time waiting for him to sober up, and you'll never get that back.

If you can stay in touch with his Nan, and help her out without running into him, that would be a beautiful thing. But don't let it get in the way with what you have to do.
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Old 10-28-2017, 05:09 AM
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Stacie,
Work on staying busy this weekend. I agree with the other posters, its not your job to monitor his drinking. Let him find a way home and figure it out. We cushion our addicts falls, so we feel the hurt and they dont have too, so we are the cray ones.

Keep posting and let us know how your weekend went with your mom.
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Old 10-28-2017, 05:29 AM
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This is similar to what happened to me. I thought it was weird that when I got with my STBXAH that everyone close to him thanked me for being with him and told me to "look after him". He's a grown man, why does he need me to look after him? Soon it became apparent why.
They didn't see me (or any of his former partners) as his partner, they saw me as the next person caring for him.

Originally Posted by BAW81 View Post
Stace - My STBXAH's mother has a chronic disease and boy did she love me when we started dating, she felt better that I was there to "take care of him." At first, I had pride in this role until I realized the life sentence of abuse I signed myself up to after we were married.

It is not only at this stage but it isn't even done yet.....it will get WORSE!

I was in my late 20s when I met my STBXAH and everyone was pairing off and getting married. I mean, I did fall in love with him but I saw the warning signs/red flags.

Please save yourself.....this is NOT about you. You do not owe his grandmother anything nor do you own him anything. Let your last holiday be the last thing he ruins in your life.

Sending you good thoughts and wishing you the best!
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