RomanticTuring

holy ****, I let myself go :-) so
tl;dr - ex texted, sometimes I'm in ****, but on good track in general.


I did not blocked her number, just deleted it from contacts. Part of me actually did want to be there in case she reach out. Part of me just did not want to have any form of contact on her, not even on blocklist. Is this stupid? Don't know.

"I'd like to know how are you doing?" This is what I got from my ex-agf via text. This and next minute after that that she is changing her last name back to maiden one (we weren't married, it's her marriage which ended years ago).

So instead of replying to her - which I'm not even sure I will, as this seems more of a "hey, I'm changing my name" above anything else - I though I would share here on how am I actually doing.

Fair to say that yesterday I was in deep ****. I still have mood swings to deep depression at least once a month where I just cry myself to sleep and wishing I would not wake up in the morning, usually this begins with me drinking home alone. So that's how I was yesterday. Talk about lesson learned, right?

I'm moving on, slowly but surely. Hardest part for me is to acknowledge and own my behavior when I was with her. It's insane how far did I let myself to be pushed and what I was capable of. I was pretty good enabler, co-drinker when it suited me, because "it's OK when we do controlled drinking together, right?", manipulated the **** out of everything, magical rescuer, and a very good doormat; "We aim to please" would be my motto. What a ******* hypocrite. If I would have a time machine, I would go back and kicked the **** out of me! :-) Is the strong desire to rescue my past myself sign of co-dependent behavior? :-)

Tough bit to swallow is that I can finally see through the lying. Lying about drinking and lying about repeated cheating. I just did not want to see the truth. I choose to believe most insane lies, promises made only to be broken hours later and I just have to come back for some more. WOW. Like I just wanted or needed to be hurt over and over again. It does not stings that much anymore, but it's still there.

I did educated myself on the alcohol and the alcoholism. I sometimes do get angry on that "******* cheating drunk bitch", but then I realize that I was there for it. I was there by my own choice. And I see how unhealthy and toxic was that choice and relationship. Both ways. And I see that not everything was about me. And that she might have been in more pain than I realize(d).

I'm scared. I'm really really scared of the future. I'm scared I will not be able to trust anyone. I'm scared about any future relationship, and I'm scared of the absence of one. I'm scared I will not have kids or any family (mid 30s here). I'm not dating and not sure when I will. I'm still a mess now so why bring someone into my life now? So most of my depression comes from the loneliness I guess? Let's hope the "this too shall pass" will apply here as well. ;-)

On the bright side, there's many things that have actually improved since I started my recovery.

Relationship with my family is much better. I was not really a good son, especially during the relationship with her. I used to have huge arguments, this has basically ceased. I'm trying to make my amends when possible.

I did learned to let go there and there. Not really of my ex (yet!), but at least I no longer involve in stupid going-nowhere-discussions with racist colleagues. :-) No stress in the office. I used to take some stuff personally, now I do my job and do not give a **** about anything. I can more clearly see what's my responsibility and what's not. If someone is being bitchy, that's their problem, not mine.

I do exercise, twice a week. This has been and continues to be a huge blessing. Looking forward for a session today actually, after 4 months it's even showing in a mirror. I can't even start to describe how great improvement this was for my low self-esteem and social anxiety too! I used to be a sack of ****, but not anymore! :-)

And hey, I'm on way to become an actual pilot! Not like commercial one, but who cares. It looks super crazy difficult and lots of new stuff to learn, but I love to learn and this has been a long dream of mine.

So if you've finished reading up here, thanks for letting me share. Take care and keep your head up.

DontRemember

This is what I spent a few minutes going over in my head yesterday.. The whole 'why did you keep going back,idiot!?'. If one of my friends was putting himself in the same crazy situation time and time again; I would think he was insane and call him on it. Just as my close friends have done to me in the past..It's pure addictive madness!

hopeful4

You cannot change the past, but you sure as heck can change the future! Keep working friends, good stuff!