Leaving an alcoholic relationship
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Leaving an alcoholic relationship
I relate to this...
Family Recovery Solutions
When Is It Time To Throw In the Towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress.
With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal well being is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you for their short comings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
Carol Bennett
When Is It Time To Throw In the Towel?
Deciding to walk away from a relationship is usually a difficult decision. In a "conventional" scenario it can be tough enough, but add in the element of substance abuse, and there can be added stress.
With an addiction landscape, there may come a time when you feel that you have exhausted all your avenues in trying to live with your mate's substance abuse issues and your own personal well being is now in danger. You have run out of gas and the only healthy option is to throw in the towel and make a dramatic, earth-shaking move.
Like the alcoholic/addict who may hit "bottom" before realizing that it's time to change the course of his or her life or die, the family member or friend can hit bottom as well. With months or even years of weighing this gut-wrenching decision, it can finally culminate from anger to frustration to sheer exhaustion. Either way, you have probably shed buckets of tears, and can't believe that your life has come to this fork in the road.
I know that when I decided to leave my husband because of his out-of-control addictive behavior, I spent what seemed to be a decade of sleepless nights pondering my decision. After all, regardless of his disposition, I did love the man, we had a family and after 20 years had built a life together, but deep down I knew I had to bail. I didn't know who I was anymore, and, like someone drowning, I was desperate to grab on to any piece of wood that might allow me reclaim my life.
Despite the excruciating pain I knew would accompany my decision I had to believe it would be better in the long run for myself and my family. I kept in mind that the big picture of making a new life had to outweigh the almost impossibility that maybe tomorrow would be different if I stayed. I had been down that disappointing road so many times before that I found it helpful to burn those memories in my head as I knew I would call upon them in the future when I felt shaky about my decision.
With all this said, here are a few reasons why one stays in a relationship with the alcoholic/addict possibly longer than they should:
1) Gripped with fear as to what life might be.
2) Feeling that children are better off with two parents rather than one, regardless of the discomfort and tension in the household.
3) The alcoholic/addict is the chief money maker and you would be left financially compromised.
4) Fear of retribution.
5) Fear of being alone.
6) Hanging on to the few shreds of normal behavior that the alcoholic/addict randomly shows (and continuing to hope that one day it might stick).
7) Social, family (extended or otherwise), and peer pressure that you should keep trying to stick it out.
8) Believing that if you "do this" or "do that" things will change.
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
13) Poor reflection on self and self-esteem.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:
1) You are mentally and physically exhausted in dealing with the alcoholic/addict's out of control behavior.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you for their short comings and failures.
4) You are weary of the constant merry-go-round of rehabilitation attempts that don't seem to stick for long.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone, since you realize that you are already alone, as the alcoholic/addict is living a life apart from you with his or her drug of choice.
7) Everyone's world is revolving around the alcoholic/addict and consequently other family members may be suffering.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict's anger.
9) No matter how hard you try, the alcoholic/addict keeps raising the bar for you to "do your part" in the relationship; satisfaction is never reached.
10) The thought of spending one more minute of your life like this is beginning to make you physically ill.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says, or what the ramifications may be of your decision; you have the exit gate in your sights.
Carol Bennett
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
If he isn't showing you he can get and stay sober without relapse or blame,
it is both reasonable and healthy thinking to move on.
You've given him plenty of time, support, and opportunity KTF
Life passes quickly--seize the joy as you've been doing
and make a loving choice for you and your son.
it is both reasonable and healthy thinking to move on.
You've given him plenty of time, support, and opportunity KTF
Life passes quickly--seize the joy as you've been doing
and make a loving choice for you and your son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
9) Failure is not an option.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
While I agree with most of the list, 9-12, are dead on....I silenced that little voice screaming for me to get out for these 4 reasons. And you know what....now that I'm getting out (in the middle of divorce), it's amazing to realize how much those reasons don't scare me anymore at all:
9) Failure is not an option. - Life with an alcoholic is a failure! Marriage/Relationships are not a competition - I realized I wasn't competing with anyone but myself....so I might as well get on my own team.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed. - Really paralyzed by this, especially in our social media "let's pretend we have a perfect life" society. Truth is everyone has been above and beyond supportive. People (friends, family, acquaintances) tell me how strong they think I am and while it's still weird to hear, it is really nice to hear, maybe one day I'll believe it too
11) What will people say: gossip. - Yep! Nope and if they do, WHO EFFING CARES! They don't have to live in the house with me when the door closes at night. I've also realized that the if there are those that gossip, its mainly because they don't want you to know what is behind their door at night....
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints. - I'm Catholic. Divorce is a sin (as with other stupid things in my faith). But my relationship with God is stronger now than ever and I choose not to believe that God is upset with me, quite the opposite. I believe God helped me leave something that was horrible and I don't believe God is going to be waiting for me after a I die with a medal that I stayed in an alcoholic abusive relationship....
This post was really cathartic for me this morning....thank you for posted KTF.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed.
11) What will people say: gossip.
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints.
While I agree with most of the list, 9-12, are dead on....I silenced that little voice screaming for me to get out for these 4 reasons. And you know what....now that I'm getting out (in the middle of divorce), it's amazing to realize how much those reasons don't scare me anymore at all:
9) Failure is not an option. - Life with an alcoholic is a failure! Marriage/Relationships are not a competition - I realized I wasn't competing with anyone but myself....so I might as well get on my own team.
10) Embarrassed and ashamed. - Really paralyzed by this, especially in our social media "let's pretend we have a perfect life" society. Truth is everyone has been above and beyond supportive. People (friends, family, acquaintances) tell me how strong they think I am and while it's still weird to hear, it is really nice to hear, maybe one day I'll believe it too
11) What will people say: gossip. - Yep! Nope and if they do, WHO EFFING CARES! They don't have to live in the house with me when the door closes at night. I've also realized that the if there are those that gossip, its mainly because they don't want you to know what is behind their door at night....
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints. - I'm Catholic. Divorce is a sin (as with other stupid things in my faith). But my relationship with God is stronger now than ever and I choose not to believe that God is upset with me, quite the opposite. I believe God helped me leave something that was horrible and I don't believe God is going to be waiting for me after a I die with a medal that I stayed in an alcoholic abusive relationship....
This post was really cathartic for me this morning....thank you for posted KTF.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I stayed for a lot of those reasons.
#5 and #13 NEVER felt like reasons I was staying, however after some time out after leaving, and after reading a whole lot about why we codies do what we do, I kinda think that all the other reasons actually boil down to ONLY #5 and #13.
I think if we can tackle those (which are arguably stemming from the same deep rooted place), the rest of the reasons float away easily!
#5 and #13 NEVER felt like reasons I was staying, however after some time out after leaving, and after reading a whole lot about why we codies do what we do, I kinda think that all the other reasons actually boil down to ONLY #5 and #13.
I think if we can tackle those (which are arguably stemming from the same deep rooted place), the rest of the reasons float away easily!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Central Ohio Dad......I have an idea that might help you....albeit, in a round about, back door, sort of way.....
How about getting the literature about ACOA...adult children of alcoholics.
Their literature can be gotten on amazon.com (I checked).....
It gives some really thought provoking information on children that are raised in a home with alcoholic parents.....and about the Norman Rockwell images...
It is interesting, also, that, when raised in a home with one alcoholic parent, the children often end up resenting the non-alcoholic parent as much or more than the alcoholic one.....
How about getting the literature about ACOA...adult children of alcoholics.
Their literature can be gotten on amazon.com (I checked).....
It gives some really thought provoking information on children that are raised in a home with alcoholic parents.....and about the Norman Rockwell images...
It is interesting, also, that, when raised in a home with one alcoholic parent, the children often end up resenting the non-alcoholic parent as much or more than the alcoholic one.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thanks, Dandy. To kind of state how delusional being an ACOA is, my AW is one, and most times she still believes she had the most wonderful parents and the best childhood. It's when she actually faces facts that her mother really sucked the childhood out of her by drinking is when she pushes it back.
I know you are referring to getting books to that I can protect my son, I was just adding that other piece to it.
Thanks for the info.
I know you are referring to getting books to that I can protect my son, I was just adding that other piece to it.
Thanks for the info.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
COD.....Oh, I completely see what you are saying. It really messes a kid up, in all kinds of directions....
Actually, the same can apply to all kinds of dysfunctional home situations...like untreated mental illness, etc.....not, just alcoholism/addiction...but, that is what we happen to be talking about, here.....
***Since we are on this same subject...lol...my husband (the good one)...shared a lot, with me, the difficulties of living in a minister's family....his grandfather was a minister who started many churches, his father started many churches (was a close friend of Billy Graham)..and, his two brothers are ministers...
lol...my husband was the oldest sibling, and his parents wanted h I'm to be a m inister...but, he was having none of it....stayed as far away from organized religion as he could get! Trying to keep up that Normal Rockwell image caused a lot of misery and problems for the k ids....
Actually, the same can apply to all kinds of dysfunctional home situations...like untreated mental illness, etc.....not, just alcoholism/addiction...but, that is what we happen to be talking about, here.....
***Since we are on this same subject...lol...my husband (the good one)...shared a lot, with me, the difficulties of living in a minister's family....his grandfather was a minister who started many churches, his father started many churches (was a close friend of Billy Graham)..and, his two brothers are ministers...
lol...my husband was the oldest sibling, and his parents wanted h I'm to be a m inister...but, he was having none of it....stayed as far away from organized religion as he could get! Trying to keep up that Normal Rockwell image caused a lot of misery and problems for the k ids....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I stayed 34 years because I didn't know how to leave. I think back then, I was so intertwined with him that I had no idea how to separate myself from him.
I listened at all my support group meetings and to the people on SR. They kept reminding me that my axh was not a "special snowflake", and he was no different then the next addict. Slowly it sank in.
Now that I am 3 years post divorce, none of those numbers affect me now. We are all a work in progress, none of us have stopped growing.
KTF, thanks for the post!!
I listened at all my support group meetings and to the people on SR. They kept reminding me that my axh was not a "special snowflake", and he was no different then the next addict. Slowly it sank in.
Now that I am 3 years post divorce, none of those numbers affect me now. We are all a work in progress, none of us have stopped growing.
KTF, thanks for the post!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, yes, yes! I will never, ever forget starting my kids in counseling when we were in the throes of it, and finding out they were upset with me! Wow, what an eye opener. Their resentment was building towards me because I was hiding things ( I thought protecting them), I was angry (which was changing me and making me miserable), the list goes on and on. I had no idea. I was living in chaos and just doing the best I could from day to day. And to hear the times when my older child had to be there for my younger child b/c I was emotionally unavailable, wow, how awful.
We are past this now, and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. However, this knowledge really was a turning point for me in my decisions for the future. I thought that regardless of what was going on I had to do two things, protect my children and stay with their father, because having two parents under the same roof is best no matter what. Well, fast forward and that has changed with knowledge and education.
Big hugs to everyone struggling.
We are past this now, and I have a wonderful relationship with my children. However, this knowledge really was a turning point for me in my decisions for the future. I thought that regardless of what was going on I had to do two things, protect my children and stay with their father, because having two parents under the same roof is best no matter what. Well, fast forward and that has changed with knowledge and education.
Big hugs to everyone struggling.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Central Ohio Dad......I have an idea that might help you....albeit, in a round about, back door, sort of way.....
How about getting the literature about ACOA...adult children of alcoholics.
Their literature can be gotten on amazon.com (I checked).....
It gives some really thought provoking information on children that are raised in a home with alcoholic parents.....and about the Norman Rockwell images...
It is interesting, also, that, when raised in a home with one alcoholic parent, the children often end up resenting the non-alcoholic parent as much or more than the alcoholic one.....
How about getting the literature about ACOA...adult children of alcoholics.
Their literature can be gotten on amazon.com (I checked).....
It gives some really thought provoking information on children that are raised in a home with alcoholic parents.....and about the Norman Rockwell images...
It is interesting, also, that, when raised in a home with one alcoholic parent, the children often end up resenting the non-alcoholic parent as much or more than the alcoholic one.....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This really resonated with me. I was thinking that maybe I should have stayed. All the abusive things my A screamed at me, saying I was unlovable, that everything was my fault, I believed him. I was told that failed my marriage. I made a commitment to him that I failed. I hope that God forgives me both for staying with the wrong person and leaving them.
Originally Posted by BAW81
9)
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints. - I'm Catholic. Divorce is a sin (as with other stupid things in my faith). But my relationship with God is stronger now than ever and I choose not to believe that God is upset with me, quite the opposite. I believe God helped me leave something that was horrible and I don't believe God is going to be waiting for me after a I die with a medal that I stayed in an alcoholic abusive relationship....
12) Made a commitment -- religious constraints. - I'm Catholic. Divorce is a sin (as with other stupid things in my faith). But my relationship with God is stronger now than ever and I choose not to believe that God is upset with me, quite the opposite. I believe God helped me leave something that was horrible and I don't believe God is going to be waiting for me after a I die with a medal that I stayed in an alcoholic abusive relationship....
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Why I stayed: 1, 2 (felt my pets were better off with two parents instead of one), 4 (to some extent), 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.
Why I left: 1, 2, 3, 4 (except they always attempted to go cold-turkey by themselves because they didn't think they were "addicted", only "chemically dependent" so they don't need rehab), 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 (I felt that if we kept going this way, we would both end up dead).
Why I left: 1, 2, 3, 4 (except they always attempted to go cold-turkey by themselves because they didn't think they were "addicted", only "chemically dependent" so they don't need rehab), 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 (I felt that if we kept going this way, we would both end up dead).
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The healthier I get, the smaller my tolerance level is for being tied in unhealthy relationships. My husband is in recovery. Our relationship is improving.
Yesterday I mentally and spiritually released another loved one from my life. It hurts... and it doesn't. I'm trusting in the process of this and need to take care of my own heart space.
This list helps me see more clearly the imbalances that make this relationship unhealthy for me to stay connected to.
Yesterday I mentally and spiritually released another loved one from my life. It hurts... and it doesn't. I'm trusting in the process of this and need to take care of my own heart space.
This list helps me see more clearly the imbalances that make this relationship unhealthy for me to stay connected to.
And, here are some reasons that might propel you to make a difficult, but life-saving decision:
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict/codependent says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict/codependent continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict/codependent's anger.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says.
2) You can no longer trust what the alcoholic/addict/codependent says or does.
3) The alcoholic/addict/codependent continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blames you.
5) Realizing that you deserve better.
6) You are no longer fearful of being alone.
8) You are fearful of any communication and find yourself walking on eggshells in an effort as to not engage the alcoholic/addict/codependent's anger.
11) You no longer care how it looks to others, what anyone says.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I love this and remember it fondly as one of the very first articles I found in my google search the very first time I discovered my ex was an out of control severe alcoholic. I read it a million times before actually being able to accept that my life was truly unmanageable and I couldn't keep this man sober for the life of me (or faithful for that matter). I knew every word was right but her list of reasons I felt I couldn't leave still rang true in my head and they did for years. It is VERY difficult to leave, but it can be done. It may take you years (like it did me) or just the first or second incident. I love this read.
I am a super over achiever I check 12 of 13 but not #4 but maybe Im dense as well.
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