I don't care
Mary2
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 215
I don't care
I thought I should check in. My baby died of a congenital heart defect as I told yous. Fell asleep and never woke... 25 weeks old.
I don't care anymore. I can't be bothered drinking right now but I will and I won't care. Life is pathetic and unfair and my poor poor baby died.
My head is chaos I don't sleep or eat. I've no choice any more. Just existing
I don't care anymore. I can't be bothered drinking right now but I will and I won't care. Life is pathetic and unfair and my poor poor baby died.
My head is chaos I don't sleep or eat. I've no choice any more. Just existing
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I am so sorry for this loss. I cannot even imagine how horrible this must be for you. I know that your baby was loved and your little baby died knowing your love, and that you gave everything you could. God bless you and your family.
I am so sorry for the loss of your little baby. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm sorry for your loss, Hez. It has to be the worst thing a person can face. But your sons are still there. They need you now too.
I hope there's someone IRL you can speak with, Hez. Some kind of counselling to help cope with this so you can return to the living.
I hope there's someone IRL you can speak with, Hez. Some kind of counselling to help cope with this so you can return to the living.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Hez, I am so sorry about the death of your precious baby. I don't think there is any loss greater.
I can imagine that you just don't care about anything else right now, and those feelings are legitimate, but as you are fully aware (even if you don't want to be right now!) life keeps moving forward and you have got to take care of yourself and your children. But that is much easier said than done, I agree with others that getting some help should be your number one task right now. Please look into grief counselling in your area and set up a meeting. You need and deserve support right now, no one should have to go through what you are going through alone.
I can totally understand the idea of drinking to make it all go away, but the harsh reality is that nothing, nothing at all will take away this pain or change things, and drinking will only make this much worse. This is something you have to go directly through in order to get past. I say "get past" very deliberately, not "get over" because I don't think anyone can ever "get over" a loss like this. But you can move through it safely to the other side where you find your footing in your new role as a grieving mother. Clouding your brain with alcohol will only prolong the agony.
Sending you all of my virtual support and love, my heart absolutely breaks for you. Again, I beg you to find some help there by way of professional counselling.
I can imagine that you just don't care about anything else right now, and those feelings are legitimate, but as you are fully aware (even if you don't want to be right now!) life keeps moving forward and you have got to take care of yourself and your children. But that is much easier said than done, I agree with others that getting some help should be your number one task right now. Please look into grief counselling in your area and set up a meeting. You need and deserve support right now, no one should have to go through what you are going through alone.
I can totally understand the idea of drinking to make it all go away, but the harsh reality is that nothing, nothing at all will take away this pain or change things, and drinking will only make this much worse. This is something you have to go directly through in order to get past. I say "get past" very deliberately, not "get over" because I don't think anyone can ever "get over" a loss like this. But you can move through it safely to the other side where you find your footing in your new role as a grieving mother. Clouding your brain with alcohol will only prolong the agony.
Sending you all of my virtual support and love, my heart absolutely breaks for you. Again, I beg you to find some help there by way of professional counselling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I just want to add, I think that there is a big myth about drinking to forget about things or make it all go away or escape from reality. I will say that this might be possible for the normal drinker who is having a hard time with something trivial like a fight at work or some unexpected bills. Maybe they have a few drinks to release the tension and just not think about things for a while. But for us alcoholics that is not the case at all. When we drink, we pass quickly that light limit where things appear a bit brighter for a moment, we pass right through it and enter into a state where everything is magnified. I know I have drank in the past to deal with a hardship or forget about something or someone and it only made it so much worse. Everything became much bigger and much more painful. Drinking at my problems only added to my despair. Drinking will not bring back your dear child, and it will not make you forget about such a devastating loss.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
My sister lost her baby hez1979 in a homebirth gone bad. We all mourned the senseless tragedy of his passing but my sister grieved in a way that no woman should have to. Her grief was so heartrending and raw that it has been proposed that it triggered the MS she now has. It has such a physical reaction on her body that her immune system turned on itself. My heart goes out you. Of course, you know alcohol is not the answer, even if it does numb the pain temporarily, once the effects are gone you are still left with the grief. My sister was on an online forum for women who had lost their babies. I know she found it very helpful to talk to other women who were going through the same thing. I will ask her what the forum is called if you would like. She also did grief counseling by telephone, she found that easier than having to leave the house when she was unable to think or eat or sleep. Later, she started meditating and going to a Buddhist temple and she swears that there were a few times when she was deep in meditation that she felt his spirit around her and those moments brought her peace and comfort.
My deepest sympathies and condolences to you. There is no worse pain than losing a child. I think you will find that there is a strength in you that will see you through this. And know that your child will always be with you in your heart and memories and in the love you have.
My deepest sympathies and condolences to you. There is no worse pain than losing a child. I think you will find that there is a strength in you that will see you through this. And know that your child will always be with you in your heart and memories and in the love you have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 547
Hez.
If you ever need us to talk to, you know we are here.
I know you don't care at the moment, I don't think I would either but know that we CARE about you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss Hez, words just aren't enough and I truly hope that you have someone there for you.
If you ever need us to talk to, you know we are here.
I know you don't care at the moment, I don't think I would either but know that we CARE about you.
I'm so very sorry for your loss Hez, words just aren't enough and I truly hope that you have someone there for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Hez, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Understandably you are feeling that you don't care about anything right now. I hope that you seek some support through your doctor or grief counselling to help you deal with the loss of your precious child.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Grief and Grieving helped me begin to get through a difficult loss.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Grief and Grieving helped me begin to get through a difficult loss.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I am so very sorry. Your pain feels insurmountable right now and quitting drinking is probably the farthest thing from your mind.
But like the rune of 3 x 3: what you do to someone else comes back to you threefold, it applies to you as well with what you do to yourself. Drinking magnifies your pain and doesn't allow you to heal.
Grief counseling to be around others and get support would be good.
Hugs.
But like the rune of 3 x 3: what you do to someone else comes back to you threefold, it applies to you as well with what you do to yourself. Drinking magnifies your pain and doesn't allow you to heal.
Grief counseling to be around others and get support would be good.
Hugs.
Mary2
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 215
Thank you for your messages of support. It's been 4 months since my baby died and I've held it together for my other children. Of course I had a couple of drinking episodes but not since the very early days. I know don't touch alcohol. It's not an option. I'm starting a new job and doing charity work and fundraisers for what caused his death... if I've learned anything it's appreciate all you have as life can change in the blink of an eye. Hold those you love close and don't waste family relationships with alcohol.. every houris hard missing my boy but with the strength of loved ones it's bearable... let's hope 2018 is blessed for us all
Xxx
Xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Hez, you sound like an incredible woman. I have huge respect for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I admire that nevertheless, in such pain, you have kept going for your kids and are helping others through charity work. That is an enormous achievement. I hope you are proud of your self.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hez, something made me read over here today and I just want to say that your story touched my heart and God bless you for taking your pain and loss to helping others, as only you can understand what they are going through.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Hi Hez,
I would like to introduce myself?
I'm also from the UK and I lost my only child a few years ago. His death was sudden and completely unexpected and it literally ruined my entire world. Given my age now - and the age of my wife - I will never be able to love a child of my own again; nor will I experience their love in return. So I have walked in your shoes and you have walked in mine.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail, as I wish to keep a degree of anonymity on here. But I have also raised money for a charity I founded as a result of my child's death and thrown myself into other things related to his passing as well. So again - we share some similarities here.
People say there is nothing as bad as losing a child? Well I guess to 99.9% of people that is a concept that they hold based on intuition? It's not something they actually know (thank goodness).
But this is a fact that we both know all too well and I am devastated that you have joined the most unwelcome club of all. I don't care what anyone thinks or says about this - but I would happily drink myself to death IF it brought back my son - but it won't.
Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - which is good comes from losing someone that we love so much. We can't fix it, accept it, nor rationalise it. I lost my faith in God, goodness, fairness, life... everything. And yes - I nearly did drink myself to death as a result. I also considered suicide many times to the point my wife took me to the doctor. He asked me why I was there and I told him I was probably going to drink myself to death as I was too much of a coward to do it any other way. His answer to me will stick with me to my dying day but in short he said "I wouldn't do that if I was you? We have a lot of ways of keeping people alive with liver failure and I've seen the agony they suffer as they lie in bed, writhing in pain. If we can't save them they tend to die in agony anyway. I hope that you don't kill yourself Tony - but if you really want to I suggest you don't pick alcohol as your way of doing it" - And that's what he said to me. On my son's memory. He gave it to me straight.
So now I'm going to say something that perhaps only someone like me - who has experienced the loss of a child - can say to you. Because I'll be honest with you - anyone else who said this to me - that hadn't experienced what we have experienced - might just get a smack in the ear if they uttered it. It does get better. It takes a lot of time. I lot of thinking. A lot of love. A lot of processing. But it does get better, millimetre by millimetre.....
If you want to PM me some time, then do so, and I'll try to reply in good time. I'm now back at work and so I cannot post or log in all the time like over the last two weeks or so - but I will respond eventually if you want to reach out?
I wish you the strength to crawl forwards through the most terrible time. But whilst my knees are bloodied by the same journey you are going through (over - what felt like broken glass at times) I did still, somehow, keep crawling.
Tony
I would like to introduce myself?
I'm also from the UK and I lost my only child a few years ago. His death was sudden and completely unexpected and it literally ruined my entire world. Given my age now - and the age of my wife - I will never be able to love a child of my own again; nor will I experience their love in return. So I have walked in your shoes and you have walked in mine.
I don't want to go into a lot of detail, as I wish to keep a degree of anonymity on here. But I have also raised money for a charity I founded as a result of my child's death and thrown myself into other things related to his passing as well. So again - we share some similarities here.
People say there is nothing as bad as losing a child? Well I guess to 99.9% of people that is a concept that they hold based on intuition? It's not something they actually know (thank goodness).
But this is a fact that we both know all too well and I am devastated that you have joined the most unwelcome club of all. I don't care what anyone thinks or says about this - but I would happily drink myself to death IF it brought back my son - but it won't.
Nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - which is good comes from losing someone that we love so much. We can't fix it, accept it, nor rationalise it. I lost my faith in God, goodness, fairness, life... everything. And yes - I nearly did drink myself to death as a result. I also considered suicide many times to the point my wife took me to the doctor. He asked me why I was there and I told him I was probably going to drink myself to death as I was too much of a coward to do it any other way. His answer to me will stick with me to my dying day but in short he said "I wouldn't do that if I was you? We have a lot of ways of keeping people alive with liver failure and I've seen the agony they suffer as they lie in bed, writhing in pain. If we can't save them they tend to die in agony anyway. I hope that you don't kill yourself Tony - but if you really want to I suggest you don't pick alcohol as your way of doing it" - And that's what he said to me. On my son's memory. He gave it to me straight.
So now I'm going to say something that perhaps only someone like me - who has experienced the loss of a child - can say to you. Because I'll be honest with you - anyone else who said this to me - that hadn't experienced what we have experienced - might just get a smack in the ear if they uttered it. It does get better. It takes a lot of time. I lot of thinking. A lot of love. A lot of processing. But it does get better, millimetre by millimetre.....
If you want to PM me some time, then do so, and I'll try to reply in good time. I'm now back at work and so I cannot post or log in all the time like over the last two weeks or so - but I will respond eventually if you want to reach out?
I wish you the strength to crawl forwards through the most terrible time. But whilst my knees are bloodied by the same journey you are going through (over - what felt like broken glass at times) I did still, somehow, keep crawling.
Tony
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
