Amnesiac

Haven't posted here in a while. Been reaching out to people but it doesn't seem like any one cares. Been sober over 9 months now, the longest stretch of my adult life, but I've been thinking about drinking BAD lately. Something g about that fresh cool Fall Minnesota weather makes me want to drink. Please pray for me.

Maudcat

9 months is huge!
For the win.
Don’t give in. You have come far.
Post here often. We get it.

HTown

Nine months is fantastic! sorry to hear you are struggling. What have you done besides not drinking? New hobbies? More excercise? Sometimes just changing up the routine works. Do not drink, it is so not worth it. Just play the tape through, I cannot have one or 2 drinks, it always ends badly for me. Maybe you can use the same trick. Think about the end portion of having a drink.

Awake61

Regret and great sadness is all a drink will give you......

tomls

I hope you are playing the tape forward and imagining how bad it would be.

Dee74

Good to hear from you

Why not get back to regular posting amnesiac - maybe join a class of group or the under one year thread?

Anything going on in your life thats making you feel this way right now?


D

Amnesiac

My temp sponsor asked if I left anything out of my 5th step, and I think I did.


I can't answer you all right now as I'm at work checking in from time to time, typing on a phone.

Amnesiac

Honestly I hate myself, and everything about me. Just want to go drink myself to death on the street.

biminiblue

Leaving stuff out on the 5th Step isn't cause for drinking. Please try to contact someone and talk about whatever thing it is that you're letting get to you!

Whatever you feel you've done that is so horrible, remember you are already forgiven. We all make mistakes, God knows I've made some doozies...and all we can do is move forward with love and forgiveness for others and ourselves. Guilt and shame are way over-rated, and don't do anything good. You're a child of God, and worth fighting for.

Hug for you.

rmeatgt350

I can relate to the self loathing. Go speak to your dr about this if possible, they may have some recommendations. In the meantime listen to your namesake album, that one ALWAYS makes me feel a bit better.

Dee74

You're among friends here amnesiac. I think everyone understands.
Sounds like a talk to your sponsor or an AA buddy might also might be helpful?

D

Anna

We care about you and we are here to help.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly about yourself. You are amongst a group of people here who have all done things we regret. We do understand. I hope you can find a way to move on from these feelings.

Please keep posting.

Amnesiac

Might have something to do with sexuality, honestly, that I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone. Quick overview: I'm a male who is sexual attracted to women, and I have been as long as I can remember. I've had a few girlfriends and was very sexual active with all of them, but people have always accused me or labeled me gay, for whatever it is type of persona. I have. And I hate almost the entire world for it, and I absolutely detest myself for it and the fact that that's always the way it's been, and likely always will be.

I'm somewhat anonymous here but still don't like talking about it. I have seen a therapist but while I kind of brought that sort of thing up with him, I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it.

Amnesiac

I didn't want to tell my sponsor that crap - I wouldn't want to tell that sort of thing to any soul on the planet honestly. I know this isn't going to end well, I feel it in my soul.

Dee74

You can talk as much or a little as you like here

I know when I was growing up there was a lot of sexual bigotry for want of a better word.

I really feel that things are a little more free these days.

People can embrace whatever sexual identity they want and find others doing the same.

It sounds like a good counsellor could help tho, even if it is hard to talk about?

Being comfortable with who you are - and being free to feel that way - is a basic human right I think.

Maybe it's the rest of the world thats broken?

D

Amnesiac

My drinking was pure hell. Detox too many times to recall, in patient treatment 4 times, scars and broken bones, totalled cars, you name it, my last drink of liquor was Jan 15, a jug of walmart brand mouthwash.

Amnesiac

It is one of my favorite albums of all time. Oddly great album is the best way to describe it.

Dee74

Yeah, definitely nothing to go back to there.

D

Amnesiac

Yeah. I lost my job literally like two times in a year. My last drink was on a spree after I lost my last job because of drinking.

rmeatgt350

Oddly great, I like that. Pretty much sums it up. Go have a listen, turn it up. That kind of thing helps me so much. Reminds me there is beauty in the world worth living for.