Ohhhhhhh boy!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
Ohhhhhhh boy!
So yesterday, I posted about visiting my XAP at the hospital while he was detoxing. He plans to go to rehab, wants me by his side (but still in touch with another woman ) and seriously sounds like he's going to slip right back into old habits very, very fast.
We have been together for 4 years, he had almost two years of sobriety, but was never really working a program. And I took him back in a heart beat every time because he had simply stopped drinking (there were stops and starts at the beginning of our relationship). Thank you SR for teaching me the difference between real sobriety and simply not picking up a drink!!!!
Add to that, after my visit, he has been phoning non-stop. Either super lovey-dovey or frustrated that I'm not picking up. Not enjoying either option - way too much pressure, and simmering anger.
I have been pretty torn up about seeing him and was still clinging to a dust bunny of hope that there was still a chance. Amazingly, I happened to have a therapy appointment today and my therapist really hit home that while I've been saying the words: Do not contact me until you are working a program and 30 days sober, I certainly haven't been respecting my own boundary at all. We worked out a script for me to help with the conversation and then I gave my XAP a call explaining that while I was thrilled that he was re-committing to his sobriety, I would not speak with him until he was 90-days sober and was also completely single during that period (enough with the "there may or may not be someone in my life", not interested in that kind of manipulation).
He, naturally, got really upset. Turned it on me and claimed that my ultimatums aren't fair and that I'm not recognizing his progress. I restated my boundary and got off the phone - and shut off the ringer. He called back and left a long message (according to him, it doesn't count as part of no-contact, because I should simply consider the message a verbal letter. lol) venting at me for every perceived fault that I had committed during our relationship: I wouldn't move to his area of town with my children (a 45-minute car ride away from their school) , my 90-day requirement is getting in the way of his desire for a child with me (NO THANK YOU). I refuse to accept that he drinks - sometimes alot and sometimes not at all (Nope - won't accept that one). And finally, he congratulated me on that fact that since I have begun respecting myself more, that I'm keeping a more peaceful environment. He then stated that if he was ever truly a danger to me, that I should have called the police and then alluded to the fact that he remembers the day that I got so mad at him that I slapped his shoulder. (Not my proudest moment).
I just really needed to vent. It wasn't always like this - during the two-year stretch we were in a really good place (maybe, I was simply the one who was in a good place) and we had some seriously beautiful moments, many, many, many of them in fact. But the effects of his drinking got worse and worse and the toll on him, myself, our relationship and our family was simply too much to bear.
I'm still grieving, I'm still sad (over what????? I don't know), but boy do I feel empowered. I'm glad I stood up for myself and what I need in my life. I still can't look too far down the path (I'm going moment by moment, truth be told), but I do like where I am standing right now.
Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting me. If anyone has any insights or suggestions on what I should be reading or what else I could be doing for myself, I would welcome them with open arms.
We have been together for 4 years, he had almost two years of sobriety, but was never really working a program. And I took him back in a heart beat every time because he had simply stopped drinking (there were stops and starts at the beginning of our relationship). Thank you SR for teaching me the difference between real sobriety and simply not picking up a drink!!!!
Add to that, after my visit, he has been phoning non-stop. Either super lovey-dovey or frustrated that I'm not picking up. Not enjoying either option - way too much pressure, and simmering anger.
I have been pretty torn up about seeing him and was still clinging to a dust bunny of hope that there was still a chance. Amazingly, I happened to have a therapy appointment today and my therapist really hit home that while I've been saying the words: Do not contact me until you are working a program and 30 days sober, I certainly haven't been respecting my own boundary at all. We worked out a script for me to help with the conversation and then I gave my XAP a call explaining that while I was thrilled that he was re-committing to his sobriety, I would not speak with him until he was 90-days sober and was also completely single during that period (enough with the "there may or may not be someone in my life", not interested in that kind of manipulation).
He, naturally, got really upset. Turned it on me and claimed that my ultimatums aren't fair and that I'm not recognizing his progress. I restated my boundary and got off the phone - and shut off the ringer. He called back and left a long message (according to him, it doesn't count as part of no-contact, because I should simply consider the message a verbal letter. lol) venting at me for every perceived fault that I had committed during our relationship: I wouldn't move to his area of town with my children (a 45-minute car ride away from their school) , my 90-day requirement is getting in the way of his desire for a child with me (NO THANK YOU). I refuse to accept that he drinks - sometimes alot and sometimes not at all (Nope - won't accept that one). And finally, he congratulated me on that fact that since I have begun respecting myself more, that I'm keeping a more peaceful environment. He then stated that if he was ever truly a danger to me, that I should have called the police and then alluded to the fact that he remembers the day that I got so mad at him that I slapped his shoulder. (Not my proudest moment).
I just really needed to vent. It wasn't always like this - during the two-year stretch we were in a really good place (maybe, I was simply the one who was in a good place) and we had some seriously beautiful moments, many, many, many of them in fact. But the effects of his drinking got worse and worse and the toll on him, myself, our relationship and our family was simply too much to bear.
I'm still grieving, I'm still sad (over what????? I don't know), but boy do I feel empowered. I'm glad I stood up for myself and what I need in my life. I still can't look too far down the path (I'm going moment by moment, truth be told), but I do like where I am standing right now.
Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting me. If anyone has any insights or suggestions on what I should be reading or what else I could be doing for myself, I would welcome them with open arms.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Rosie.
I say this A LOT on this site, but I say it cuz it’s true:
Time and distance bring clarity.
The further away we get from the addict’s drama, chaos, and me-me-meness, the clearer our vision becomes.
Relationships with alcohol addicts are sooo enmeshed. .
We really need to experience the quiet that comes from their absence.
I say this A LOT on this site, but I say it cuz it’s true:
Time and distance bring clarity.
The further away we get from the addict’s drama, chaos, and me-me-meness, the clearer our vision becomes.
Relationships with alcohol addicts are sooo enmeshed. .
We really need to experience the quiet that comes from their absence.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Rosie2017 
If anyone has any insights or suggestions on what I should be reading or what else I could be doing for myself, I would welcome them with open arms.
i cant say what to read, but a little phrase that may help ya at times:
not my circus
not my monkey.
actually, there is something i just thought of that might be a good read, but i dont know where i read it or where it may be found-
its an analogy- about staying in your hula hoop and what to allow in.
hopefully someone can help me out here.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Rosie.....the following is a link to our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loves ones.....dozens and dozens of them!
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He plans to go to rehab, wants me by his side (but still in touch with another woman ) and seriously sounds like he's going to slip right back into old habits very, very fast.
let's peel away all the alcohol related parts of the above.....and what do we have:
wants me by his side (but still in touch with another woman )
sorry, there is one too many in that sentence for me!?
let's peel away all the alcohol related parts of the above.....and what do we have:
wants me by his side (but still in touch with another woman )
sorry, there is one too many in that sentence for me!?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
AnvilheadII - thanks for reminding me that on this one, it ain't just about the booze! 
Your comment actually gave me a little laugh - this whole situation is beyond absurd. I think my new mantra needs to come from TomSteve: Not my circus. Not my monkey. Need to put as much distance from all of this as possible. For my sanity, my dreams and the happiness and joy of both myself and my beautiful children (they are not XAP's).
Your comment actually gave me a little laugh - this whole situation is beyond absurd. I think my new mantra needs to come from TomSteve: Not my circus. Not my monkey. Need to put as much distance from all of this as possible. For my sanity, my dreams and the happiness and joy of both myself and my beautiful children (they are not XAP's).
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
A VERBAL LETTER....LOL!!!! Never heard that one before!
I think going NC is for you, in that you had to know he was just going to quack away on the voice mail, so delete it. That's just my two cents anyways. I know that's hard.
Very proud of you to stick up for yourself and seek out some peace!
I think going NC is for you, in that you had to know he was just going to quack away on the voice mail, so delete it. That's just my two cents anyways. I know that's hard.
Very proud of you to stick up for yourself and seek out some peace!
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