ready45

I've been on and off the site for years but this is the first time I've posted. Have been an active and what appeared to others a functioning alcoholic. That was until last Thursday when I was charged with a 2nd DWI within 7 years. I am in really deep doo doo. Have drank myself to this point within the last 4 months and completely wrecked my life. But it's got me sober for five days and praying and surrendering to this disease after running from it on and off for over 20 years. The first three days were nothing but shaking, anxiety and insomnia (more time to think about how i f'd up). I've been suffering from the most awful and unbearable depression for months (really years untreated) and KNEW what I needed to do but instead kept on drinking to not deal with it. Now - it's on ten-fold. I've broken my family's heart who has seen this happen to me 6 1/2 years ago. They were so proud of what looked like me having it all together. Now - they just shake their head. They are supportive but i know it's completely baffling to them that i am in this situation once again. I went to a meeting Sunday for the first time NOT court ordered and it did give me a sense of peace I haven't felt in forever. It didn't last long and I'm trying to take it hour by hour right now. Of course no license and living in a very rural area makes the logistics to get to meetings daily really impossible. Have informed my employer and thankfully they are very understanding but I know the road ahead (legally) and it's so overwhelming. So for today - i don't drink, i breath and I count the blessings that i have - that i completely disregarded before that faithful day last week. I saw a doctor today and let everything come to light, left with prescriptions and anger at myself that i didn't go sooner. Tomorrow is the lawyer. I'm a 45 year old single female but today i feel like i've acted like a self-centered teenager. I've probably read hundreds of posts on this site and it does encourage me - I have to do it this time and I don't want to die. Thanks for reading.

Anna

Welcome and I'm glad you are safe and that no one else was hurt. 5 days sober is a great start.

I'm glad you have stopped drinking and are working on recovery. Do you have a recovery plan in place for how to get through the next weeks and months?

Coldfusion

Welcome!

SoberRecovery and AA are a winning combination. Read around and post often--it works if you work it!

Here's a couple good threads to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6648562 (Class of October 2017 Support Thread pt. 2)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6648127 (24 Hour Recovery Connection Part 307)

DarklingSong

Welcome. Sorry to hear the pain and regret you are feeling right now. Withdrawal will be heightening all those emotions......hang on, this will get better. Well done on those 5 days.
Support to you.

anxiousrock

5 days is a good start.
If you can’t get to meetings every day, do them online. They help a lot.

tealily

Welcome. You are doing the right thing, and it will be ok. You can get through this, to the other side, of a happier, healthier life, proud of yourself again. Please, don't despair... you are going through the roughest time right now, but there is hope and will be brighter days ahead. Just take it a day at a time. You can do it! You have turned a corner, in posting here and being so honest about where things stand for you. You have it within you to make this change!

Keep posting. We are here for you.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Ready. Glad to hear you are being proactive and seeking help. Things may seem pretty bad but you can make choices today that will make things better in the long run. Stick around and keep focusing on doing whatever it takes to quit and stay quit. You will find a tremendous amount of support here and also in your local recovery group.

Upstairs

Great job on five days! I was 46 when I quit (last year), so it's never too late to stop. I hope to read more of your posts soon. It helps!

ready45

Thanks all for the kind and encouraging words. My plan is to do the steps, find a sponsor who understands my limitations on face to face meetings (online as much as possible) and keep praying to my higher power. Actions are to take care of my health, begin to mend my relationship with family and address the underlying depression and anxiety. Of course I need to maintain my performance at work - so I have to get some focus back at least during business hours. And also - 1 day at a time as best as possible for someone like me who is always thinking about the future and the past but hardly ever the present. And count my blessings that i did not injure anyone due to my selfish and irresponsible behavior. Really feel like i deserve everything i get and deserve to loose what i do - specifically my freedom.

ready45

thanks again - it's terrifying now that a little of the fog is lifting how fried my brain seems. Like trouble putting together sentences - and my memory, oy vey. I guess that's what happens when you've drank pretty solid for the last four months. It is really scary. I finally went to my primary care for a complete physical and broke down with everything (minus the legal) and was prescribed an SSRI - i've taken before and have been diagnosed as clinically/severely depressed before. I'm willing to do the work but i also think there has to be some kind of imbalance in my brain that has gotten me to this level of despair with no kind of joy for months. How do I thank my parents for everything they are doing for me but also just ask them to back off a little? They are non-drinkers and have no idea how this disease works but that it's just as simple as not drinking? One more thing i'm grateful for today is this site and you kind folks.

Meraviglioso

Hi ready, I am so sorry for what you are going through but glad no one was hurt and that you are using this as a wake-up call. I’m on my phone right now so I’ll be brief, but wanted to respond about your question about your parents. If they are really, really stressing you then maybe you can speak to them and explain that you need some space. But if you can manage to deal with them then I’d try to do that. I’m dealing with the same now with my parents. They are calling me non-stop, messages, etc. everytime I talk to them they ask me if I’m drinking, remind me not to drink, ask me if I’ve been to see my psychologist, tell me not to get too stressed, on and on. It is driving me kind of crazy. That said I am trying to keep it in perspective. I have really given them legitimate reason to worry, they love me and care for my wellbeing, they want to support me. I remind myself to be grateful for their love and support- so many people don’t have that, and I also try to realise that because it has been my actions that have caused them to worry so much I pretty much deserve their distrust and all the continued, invasive questions. If me simply responding to their calls and messages wil do even a little bit to ease their pain or worry I figure I owe them that. It is easier said than done at times and I am in no way saying that you shouldn’t bring it up if it is really causing you stress, but just some things to think about.

Awake61

Thank you for your share. I can completely relate, as your story is very similar to mine. Except I kept drinking for another 15 years and am now in early sobriety at 61. Also live in a rural area with no license. But thankful I didn't kill or hurt anyone. My family had also given up, but are trying to be supportive. Still, I own this and my great obsession now, is to remain sober and be present for my loved ones.

ready45

thank you so much. Wow every word you said is true and thank you for putting it right in front of me. I am so grateful for them - but feel so guilty for everything i'm having to ask of them right now - transportation and financial help. I'm not a parent but can only imagine the hell they are going with because of me. I pray my actions over time will show them how grateful i am. Best.

ready45

Yes - I am owning it too. It is comforting to hear your words. Of course my alcoholic brain is still looking for a loophole. I'm trying to shut that part of my brain up and get some serenity in the reality of my situation and look at this as a gift to get sober once and for all.

Jastelf

I do wish you the best as I am only on day 3. So I understand. We can do it together.

tealily

It's good you are on guard about those thoughts. They WILL pop up and try to convince you that drinking is a good idea, when you KNOW it is not, in every way. Don't think about forever right now, but also be vigilant about that voice, and recognize it as a liar. I found it's so much easier once all those "loopholes" were recognized as the lies that they were and I took alcohol completely off the table as an option. Rather than DENYING yourself something, you are CHOOSING to be a better you, a sober you, the OLD you that found joy and self respect. You can do it.