Small moments of "recovery".
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Small moments of "recovery".
I'm experiencing small moments of recovery (or detox) from my ex AH. Most of the time, I feel extremely low. In fact, most days, I have to fight to not just give up. If I'm having a good day, I feel angry so that protects me from the sad feelings because the sadness can be overwhelming.
This afternoon, the place where I worked was noisy. I could barely distinguish between the sounds of door slamming and shouting. I was standing next to a flowerbed with a mug of tea and I noticed a bush had been planted with little white trumpet-shaped flowers that had yellow stamens in the center. As I was admiring the flowers, a slow bee floated from flower to flower, crawled into the center of each one, took a sip, and moved on. The bee was so occupied that it didn't notice the noise, or me watching it. It made me smile, watching this bee, because I started to think of all the times people on SR posted updates that were about how good their lives had become after they have left their As, how they were happier and healthier.
I had a micro-second of being in "recovery" before I sadly wondered if that would ever happen for me. I was unable to imagine anything but a lonely Okatz wearing socks by a dusty space-heater and knitting sweaters for cats, sobbing over a phantom relationship that ended decades ago.
Suddenly a colleague ran up to me and shouted, Okatz, someone needs your help urgently (not codie -- part of the job)! And so I had to go and leave the bee... and my thoughts. I told myself that I'd be back at the bush tomorrow... and tomorrow... because that bee has to live for at least a month. I get to watch a bee do meaningful bee-stuff for a month.
If you have ever posted updates about how things are going great for you, thank you. You were my bee during some of my worst days. Please keep the stories coming.
This afternoon, the place where I worked was noisy. I could barely distinguish between the sounds of door slamming and shouting. I was standing next to a flowerbed with a mug of tea and I noticed a bush had been planted with little white trumpet-shaped flowers that had yellow stamens in the center. As I was admiring the flowers, a slow bee floated from flower to flower, crawled into the center of each one, took a sip, and moved on. The bee was so occupied that it didn't notice the noise, or me watching it. It made me smile, watching this bee, because I started to think of all the times people on SR posted updates that were about how good their lives had become after they have left their As, how they were happier and healthier.
I had a micro-second of being in "recovery" before I sadly wondered if that would ever happen for me. I was unable to imagine anything but a lonely Okatz wearing socks by a dusty space-heater and knitting sweaters for cats, sobbing over a phantom relationship that ended decades ago.
Suddenly a colleague ran up to me and shouted, Okatz, someone needs your help urgently (not codie -- part of the job)! And so I had to go and leave the bee... and my thoughts. I told myself that I'd be back at the bush tomorrow... and tomorrow... because that bee has to live for at least a month. I get to watch a bee do meaningful bee-stuff for a month.
If you have ever posted updates about how things are going great for you, thank you. You were my bee during some of my worst days. Please keep the stories coming.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
That was bee-u-tiful. Thanks okatz.
I laughed at the socks and sweaters part.
If I end up like that then at least I would be an" xtra" old lady with glitzy sequins socks and furry sweaters and bling collars for my cats. Jazz things up. But that's just me lol.
I laughed at the socks and sweaters part.
If I end up like that then at least I would be an" xtra" old lady with glitzy sequins socks and furry sweaters and bling collars for my cats. Jazz things up. But that's just me lol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
That really is a lovely post. I'm glad you felt better even if it was only a moment. The moment shows you it's possible, right? Maybe tomorrow it'll be a bit longer.
Not only did you have a moment of recovery, your services are valued at this place and you're earning money. Not bad.
Not only did you have a moment of recovery, your services are valued at this place and you're earning money. Not bad.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Thank you for sharing, O!
So many of us envisioned such bleak futures without our A's. It's important to remind others who are in similar positions that our fears are often so wrong, and tend to keep us trapped in terribly unhappy situations.
Blessings to you, O! May your recovery continue to surprise you with wonderful moments like this.
So many of us envisioned such bleak futures without our A's. It's important to remind others who are in similar positions that our fears are often so wrong, and tend to keep us trapped in terribly unhappy situations.
Blessings to you, O! May your recovery continue to surprise you with wonderful moments like this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
These moments like you had witnessing the beauty of the flower and the industrious little bee will start coming more and more often. I promise!
This is a quote that made a lot of sense to me:
"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." -Lao Tzu
It certainly rang true for me, as I was both depressed and anxious for a very long time. Not so coincidentally, I was also spending a lot of time going over and over the past while simultaneously scaring myself stupid, futuring-tripping on (what I then thought would be) my bleak future. Getting out of my head and into the moment helped alleviate so much of the pain. It takes practice, but the payoff is invaluable.
You've got this Okatz.
*hugs*
This is a quote that made a lot of sense to me:
"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." -Lao Tzu
It certainly rang true for me, as I was both depressed and anxious for a very long time. Not so coincidentally, I was also spending a lot of time going over and over the past while simultaneously scaring myself stupid, futuring-tripping on (what I then thought would be) my bleak future. Getting out of my head and into the moment helped alleviate so much of the pain. It takes practice, but the payoff is invaluable.
You've got this Okatz.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Smallbutmighty.. I love that quite! It's the first time I have heard it but it sums me up perfectly. I am trying so desperately to live in the present (with my presently clean AH) but the past and future seem to wear me down! Any tips for living in the present?
Okatz.. that sounds like such a wonderful peaceful moment you had and I hope you find more! It all seems like little steps in the right direction for you!
Okatz.. that sounds like such a wonderful peaceful moment you had and I hope you find more! It all seems like little steps in the right direction for you!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I kind of feel it was too soon for me to get back to work, even a short amount of work. It's been intense. I feel drained. I feel worse, I think. It's been raining, the bee hasn't been around. I try to do the right things but I don't think I can effect change. I don't think I'm really good at anything anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My dear friend OK, you are simply in a difficult spot, going through grief. It is draining, and it is not fun. You have shared so many of your thoughts and feelings, and you are digging through the trench. It will come. Grief is an ebb and flow process, but eventually you will come out on the other side a stronger, more stable person.
Big, big hugs!
Big, big hugs!
Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
I kind of feel it was too soon for me to get back to work, even a short amount of work. It's been intense. I feel drained. I feel worse, I think. It's been raining, the bee hasn't been around. I try to do the right things but I don't think I can effect change. I don't think I'm really good at anything anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
These are those moments that helped stitch my sanity back together, bit by bit.
Do you know how many people refuse to even notice the bee, Ophelia? Or how many more only notice it in a negative way?
The perspective you're getting out of something so seemingly insignificant is actually HUGE.... just your willingness & ability to see from this point of view at all, even just a microsecond....... You are going to be OK, it's just a long road ahead.
Do you know how many people refuse to even notice the bee, Ophelia? Or how many more only notice it in a negative way?
The perspective you're getting out of something so seemingly insignificant is actually HUGE.... just your willingness & ability to see from this point of view at all, even just a microsecond....... You are going to be OK, it's just a long road ahead.
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