Still kind of an idiot
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
Still kind of an idiot
But I am starting to learn. It's been 3 weeks since I left AH. I've found space renting from a friend and I've been keeping busy at work, exercising, spent some time with good healthy friends, and seen my therapist. Also lots of journaling. The sadness has been profound. I'm not lonely really, and in fact I'm relieved to have the extra time to myself that I've been lacking. But the grief for what I've lost (ok never really had or haven't had for years, but still) has been profound.
I am still obsessing a fair bit about how AH is, what he's doing, etc. It doesn't help that we have many mutual friends. Most who know us well totally get it and while they may care about him, they support what I'm doing. But there is a vocal minority who feel the need to "fix" things and don't seem to understand how hurtful this is. Seriously after 14 years, I did not make this decision on a whim. YES it needs to be this way.
Anyway, all that has led to some second guessing, which I imagine is normal at this stage anyway. I've spend a bunch of time wringing my hands at 3 and 4 am, wondering if I've done the right thing. That's where my journal has come in so very handy! I read through the file I have of the mean things he would frequently say and things he has done that are beyond the pale, and then I feel clear about my decision again.
Today was worse than usual. And I have access to his checking account, which he wanted me to have (he is apparently incapable of transferring his share of the mortage payment into our joint account without my expert assistance. Whatever.) I watch the joint account like a hawk but it's been easier to keep it open together to take care of mortgage and property taxes.
Anyway I'm still monitoring him even thought I know I should not, and that I should not need to. When I went by the house earlier this week to pick something up and I saw that he is still living in full view of a fully stocked bar, I reassured myself yet again that his recovery is not real, no matter how many people he tells that he has given up drinking. This will not last. I know this.
Now I've looked at his checking account not expecting to find anything, but thinking I'd do it and then give myself a mental slap on the hand - see, that was stupid. What did you expect to find? A new wine club membership? What difference would it make?
Well, what I did find was that 3 days after I filed for divorce he signed up for Match.com. The payment was there. This does not surprise me in the least and yet I'm incredibly shocked and hurt. I knew he'd move on a lot faster than me because I like to be alone and he doesn't but wow. After 14 years together, he's looking for the next one after 3 days. Just 3 days.
On the one hand, yet more reinforcement that I'm doing the right thing. On the other, really unhealthy behavior on my part. I need to stop focusing on him and fully embrace the fact that just as his recovery (or not) is something he has to do for himself and has nothing to do with me, the same is absolutely true for me. My recovery needs to happen and his behavior is Not Relevant to that process. Fixing what is in me that decided to accept the unacceptable, is work that needs to be done and will be done regardless of the behavior of any other person.
I know this. So how do I get from knowing it, to actually KNOWING IT? I hate that this takes time. I feel like I should be able to learn lessons and implement them and well, recover already! I know it's not like that and I know it took me years to get even this far. But so frustrating. And so sad.
I am still obsessing a fair bit about how AH is, what he's doing, etc. It doesn't help that we have many mutual friends. Most who know us well totally get it and while they may care about him, they support what I'm doing. But there is a vocal minority who feel the need to "fix" things and don't seem to understand how hurtful this is. Seriously after 14 years, I did not make this decision on a whim. YES it needs to be this way.
Anyway, all that has led to some second guessing, which I imagine is normal at this stage anyway. I've spend a bunch of time wringing my hands at 3 and 4 am, wondering if I've done the right thing. That's where my journal has come in so very handy! I read through the file I have of the mean things he would frequently say and things he has done that are beyond the pale, and then I feel clear about my decision again.
Today was worse than usual. And I have access to his checking account, which he wanted me to have (he is apparently incapable of transferring his share of the mortage payment into our joint account without my expert assistance. Whatever.) I watch the joint account like a hawk but it's been easier to keep it open together to take care of mortgage and property taxes.
Anyway I'm still monitoring him even thought I know I should not, and that I should not need to. When I went by the house earlier this week to pick something up and I saw that he is still living in full view of a fully stocked bar, I reassured myself yet again that his recovery is not real, no matter how many people he tells that he has given up drinking. This will not last. I know this.
Now I've looked at his checking account not expecting to find anything, but thinking I'd do it and then give myself a mental slap on the hand - see, that was stupid. What did you expect to find? A new wine club membership? What difference would it make?
Well, what I did find was that 3 days after I filed for divorce he signed up for Match.com. The payment was there. This does not surprise me in the least and yet I'm incredibly shocked and hurt. I knew he'd move on a lot faster than me because I like to be alone and he doesn't but wow. After 14 years together, he's looking for the next one after 3 days. Just 3 days.
On the one hand, yet more reinforcement that I'm doing the right thing. On the other, really unhealthy behavior on my part. I need to stop focusing on him and fully embrace the fact that just as his recovery (or not) is something he has to do for himself and has nothing to do with me, the same is absolutely true for me. My recovery needs to happen and his behavior is Not Relevant to that process. Fixing what is in me that decided to accept the unacceptable, is work that needs to be done and will be done regardless of the behavior of any other person.
I know this. So how do I get from knowing it, to actually KNOWING IT? I hate that this takes time. I feel like I should be able to learn lessons and implement them and well, recover already! I know it's not like that and I know it took me years to get even this far. But so frustrating. And so sad.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
Refering to him signing up for match.com and you feeling hurt its only after 3 days.
This is something you see in affairs and the partner is blindsided.
Let me explain: What often seems on the surface as behaviour out of nowhere has been there the whole time in THE ADULTERERS mind and heart all along - he just have been hiding it well.
The partner none the wiser goes about being the good partner while the cheater has been scheming and hiding his words and actions for a long time starting with his change in intent and feelings towards the spouse/partner. Its small changes in the cheater that can't be picked up because we are not mind readers. If we do notice a change we are told we are imaging things etc etc. Still hiding the truth.
If there is no cheating then its the process he may have sped up in his mind and heart. Divorce and seperating is never overnight process. It takes months and years. This is were the time to move on for him has perhaps happened. You however have not healed that far along to move on to the next person.
People have different ways of processing. Perhaps his way is replacing what is needed asap with the next thing. Common for addicts. Is this a sign of working on himself? A bit quick to jump onto the next person if you ask me. Recovery should be priority and I haven't heard of anyone recommending starting a relationship asap. Its always stay away until you are better.
Don't match your process with his. You may still take years (i did myself during and after) and he may have a new girl every week. What's important is that you are healing for longterm.
Is it easy? Heck no. It hurts so bad but its part of the process. You can't avoid it if you truly cared deeply.
Refering to him signing up for match.com and you feeling hurt its only after 3 days.
This is something you see in affairs and the partner is blindsided.
Let me explain: What often seems on the surface as behaviour out of nowhere has been there the whole time in THE ADULTERERS mind and heart all along - he just have been hiding it well.
The partner none the wiser goes about being the good partner while the cheater has been scheming and hiding his words and actions for a long time starting with his change in intent and feelings towards the spouse/partner. Its small changes in the cheater that can't be picked up because we are not mind readers. If we do notice a change we are told we are imaging things etc etc. Still hiding the truth.
If there is no cheating then its the process he may have sped up in his mind and heart. Divorce and seperating is never overnight process. It takes months and years. This is were the time to move on for him has perhaps happened. You however have not healed that far along to move on to the next person.
People have different ways of processing. Perhaps his way is replacing what is needed asap with the next thing. Common for addicts. Is this a sign of working on himself? A bit quick to jump onto the next person if you ask me. Recovery should be priority and I haven't heard of anyone recommending starting a relationship asap. Its always stay away until you are better.
Don't match your process with his. You may still take years (i did myself during and after) and he may have a new girl every week. What's important is that you are healing for longterm.
Is it easy? Heck no. It hurts so bad but its part of the process. You can't avoid it if you truly cared deeply.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
All of this is really helpful, thanks. And I did expect him to do this, and soon. I don't intend to follow suit. I know that's not how I'll heal, and even though I obviously have my own self esteem issues to deal with, somehow I don't need that kind of outside validation the way he does, and I've always known that.
This week I am going to make sure the upcoming joint expenses on the house are paid from the account I've paid into, then separate all of our accounts completely, except the mortgage of course. I don't have time till later in the week, but I will make sure it gets done.
And am going to try to focus on taking care of ME and not trying to manage my feelings by managing him. Really hard habit to break.
This week I am going to make sure the upcoming joint expenses on the house are paid from the account I've paid into, then separate all of our accounts completely, except the mortgage of course. I don't have time till later in the week, but I will make sure it gets done.
And am going to try to focus on taking care of ME and not trying to manage my feelings by managing him. Really hard habit to break.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You sound really good, Nola. He will continue to do what he does, you will keep moving forward.
Well done.
I found that a visual image in my head was helpful. I imagine threads going from me to him and then I cut those threads. I create a separate and non-attached me. Every time a category of connection comes into my head, I cut a thread. We were entwined/connected like a Maypole, only in my mind I cut those ribbons and stand alone. It's pretty empowering.
Well done.
I found that a visual image in my head was helpful. I imagine threads going from me to him and then I cut those threads. I create a separate and non-attached me. Every time a category of connection comes into my head, I cut a thread. We were entwined/connected like a Maypole, only in my mind I cut those ribbons and stand alone. It's pretty empowering.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Nola0250 
I know this. So how do I get from knowing it, to actually KNOWING IT? I hate that this takes time. I feel like I should be able to learn lessons and implement them and well, recover already! I know it's not like that and I know it took me years to get even this far. But so frustrating. And so sad.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 26
Honeypig thank you so, so, so much for that post. I hear you Nola, I wish things would move faster, I wish I would stop thinking, I wish I would stop feeling. But then I stop and take a look at all the progress I have made. And reading through your posts ... so have you! You have so much clarity, you are getting things done! Here's to it all coming together!! And in the meantime - keep asking for support and give yourself plenty of love.
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