What do I do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1
What do I do?
Hi, I am new to the group. Glad I found this, so I can connect to like-minded people, dealing with similar issues, because I feel so alone in this.
So, I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years now, with an alcoholic. He started off sober when I met him. He had a full years worth of the AA chips, and was proud and had no issues with alcohol. I thought that was the way he was going to be for the long haul, until he started allowing himself a few drinks here and there. That then turned into drinking heavily again. After a year, I started to recognize a problem in him, and approached him, said he needed to change because it was not looking good. So, to make a long story short, we've been on a repeat cycle for the past few years, of me confronting him about his alcoholism, and him agreeing to stop, stopping for a little bit, slowly starting back up again, then it becoming a huge issue again, then me confronting him again, and repeat. The cycle has gone on for a few years now. This time around, I said "enough's enough", and I left him, temporarily. I want to show him that I will not tolerate it anymore. However, I truly love him and want to be with him. So it kills me to have to do this. But I feel like it is sending a strong message that he NEEDS to change or it will kill him, and he will permanently lose me. I've even involved his family now, so it's not just ME alone working on him. They are sort of there, but not as often as I used to be. Well, it's worked so far, it has lit a fire beneath his butt, and now he is in recovery mode.. because he wants me back, and because it gave him a big wake up call on the seriousness of the situation. He has started going back to AA every single night, and is fully dedicated.. He is doing the 90 days, every day, of AA to start. I refuse to see him until he has atleast a month under his belt, and his new sober routine down. So that, in itself, is a huge motivation for him because he hates being apart from me. And that leads to my question...
I have been having very minimal contact with him, except for him texting me daily updates on how he is doing, and me sending him "Good for you", "Keep it up", "You're doing the right thing" texts back. But he throws in a few texts that make me want to falter, saying he loves me, misses me, hates himself for the damage he's caused, hopes I will stick around and wait for him, hopes that I wont date anyone else, that he feels sad and empty without me, is having a hard time sleeping at night because he is not with me, etc etc. I am FIGHTING so hard not to text him back and offer my help, comfort him, and say "come back", I love you back, etc etc. But I am sticking to my guns. This is so hard to do.. but am I doing the right thing? Should I keep minimal contact, like this, and hope that he stays on track? I have tried SO MANY TIMES in the past to offer help and support to him, and that got me no where. I've tried, holding his hand, through it, and he always ended up just sneaking behind my back, lying, and trying to pretend everything was fine. So this is me being so fed up and frustrated that I am removing myself from him and his recovery, and saying "Do it yourself, I am done trying." Is this the right thing to do? Or am I causing more harm by making him even more depressed that I am no longer there? Anyone have a similar experience?
So, I have been in a serious relationship for 5 years now, with an alcoholic. He started off sober when I met him. He had a full years worth of the AA chips, and was proud and had no issues with alcohol. I thought that was the way he was going to be for the long haul, until he started allowing himself a few drinks here and there. That then turned into drinking heavily again. After a year, I started to recognize a problem in him, and approached him, said he needed to change because it was not looking good. So, to make a long story short, we've been on a repeat cycle for the past few years, of me confronting him about his alcoholism, and him agreeing to stop, stopping for a little bit, slowly starting back up again, then it becoming a huge issue again, then me confronting him again, and repeat. The cycle has gone on for a few years now. This time around, I said "enough's enough", and I left him, temporarily. I want to show him that I will not tolerate it anymore. However, I truly love him and want to be with him. So it kills me to have to do this. But I feel like it is sending a strong message that he NEEDS to change or it will kill him, and he will permanently lose me. I've even involved his family now, so it's not just ME alone working on him. They are sort of there, but not as often as I used to be. Well, it's worked so far, it has lit a fire beneath his butt, and now he is in recovery mode.. because he wants me back, and because it gave him a big wake up call on the seriousness of the situation. He has started going back to AA every single night, and is fully dedicated.. He is doing the 90 days, every day, of AA to start. I refuse to see him until he has atleast a month under his belt, and his new sober routine down. So that, in itself, is a huge motivation for him because he hates being apart from me. And that leads to my question...
I have been having very minimal contact with him, except for him texting me daily updates on how he is doing, and me sending him "Good for you", "Keep it up", "You're doing the right thing" texts back. But he throws in a few texts that make me want to falter, saying he loves me, misses me, hates himself for the damage he's caused, hopes I will stick around and wait for him, hopes that I wont date anyone else, that he feels sad and empty without me, is having a hard time sleeping at night because he is not with me, etc etc. I am FIGHTING so hard not to text him back and offer my help, comfort him, and say "come back", I love you back, etc etc. But I am sticking to my guns. This is so hard to do.. but am I doing the right thing? Should I keep minimal contact, like this, and hope that he stays on track? I have tried SO MANY TIMES in the past to offer help and support to him, and that got me no where. I've tried, holding his hand, through it, and he always ended up just sneaking behind my back, lying, and trying to pretend everything was fine. So this is me being so fed up and frustrated that I am removing myself from him and his recovery, and saying "Do it yourself, I am done trying." Is this the right thing to do? Or am I causing more harm by making him even more depressed that I am no longer there? Anyone have a similar experience?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It sounds like your BF has made a good start. I hope he sticks with it.
As for you, removing yourself from his recovery sounds very wise. If you two are going to come through this, then he is going to have to earn back your trust with actions, not words.
There is nothing you can or can't do to either guarantee or sabotage his recovery. He is 100% responsible for himself, and any control over his actions that you think you may have had before was an illusion. In the meantime, the very best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself.
As for you, removing yourself from his recovery sounds very wise. If you two are going to come through this, then he is going to have to earn back your trust with actions, not words.
There is nothing you can or can't do to either guarantee or sabotage his recovery. He is 100% responsible for himself, and any control over his actions that you think you may have had before was an illusion. In the meantime, the very best thing you can do for both of you is to take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Dahlia.
Welcome to SR.
I can see that you are struggling.
This is a hard one, but this really is his journey.
Glad that he is doing 90 in 90 and working on his recovery.
I hope it continues.
The best thing you can do, imo, is to give him the space and time to focus on sobriety.
Honestly, if you are staying in minimal contact, I would ignore the remorseful texts.
They are not helpful for anyone, and again, my opinion, are meant to gain sympathy and draw you back in.
You have been doing this dance for five years.
You know by now that nothing changes if nothing changes.
That change must come from you.
Stay strong, take care of yourself, and see what unfolds.
Also, your parameter of one month sobriety is a mere drop in the bucket of his recovery.
I would seek a much longer sober time if I were considering resuming the relationship.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
I can see that you are struggling.
This is a hard one, but this really is his journey.
Glad that he is doing 90 in 90 and working on his recovery.
I hope it continues.
The best thing you can do, imo, is to give him the space and time to focus on sobriety.
Honestly, if you are staying in minimal contact, I would ignore the remorseful texts.
They are not helpful for anyone, and again, my opinion, are meant to gain sympathy and draw you back in.
You have been doing this dance for five years.
You know by now that nothing changes if nothing changes.
That change must come from you.
Stay strong, take care of yourself, and see what unfolds.
Also, your parameter of one month sobriety is a mere drop in the bucket of his recovery.
I would seek a much longer sober time if I were considering resuming the relationship.
Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dahlia55......I am giving you a link to our library of dozens and dozens of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...I hope that you will take the time to read them....there is sooo much to know....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dahlia55.....
The 3 Cs
You didn't cause it...you can't cure it...and, you can't control it.....
I think you can see this by now...lol....
Just sitting in AA meetings doesn't mean that a person in genuine recovery...necessarily. One needs to work all of the steps and have a sponsor, also....and, to fully accept that they are helpless over alcohol and can never, ever, take a drink again.....
Many alcoholics...probably, most, will fight against accepting this for years....if they ever do.
It is much more than just putting the bottle down....it involves a change from the inside out....changing the alcoholic thinking, and attitudes, and, finally, the actions....It has to be the number one priority of their life...above all else.
From what you share, it sounds like he is trying to get you back....if that is his main objective...it won't work, in the long run. He has to do it for himself, if he never ever saw you again....
***The early recovery period is considered to be about two years....although, many say that it is much longer than that....
Relapse is always a possibility....especially if they take the principles of AA for granted......
I think that you need to completely detach yourself from his recovery...and, start working on living your own life....focusing on your own development and personal insight for yourself....
Your whole l ife cannot hinge on whether another person stays sober or not.....
He does not need your support...other than not being actually obstructive.
He has others...AA members, his sponsor, and his counselor for that. You are not equipped to help him, and you are too entwined, anyway....
The 3 Cs
You didn't cause it...you can't cure it...and, you can't control it.....
I think you can see this by now...lol....
Just sitting in AA meetings doesn't mean that a person in genuine recovery...necessarily. One needs to work all of the steps and have a sponsor, also....and, to fully accept that they are helpless over alcohol and can never, ever, take a drink again.....
Many alcoholics...probably, most, will fight against accepting this for years....if they ever do.
It is much more than just putting the bottle down....it involves a change from the inside out....changing the alcoholic thinking, and attitudes, and, finally, the actions....It has to be the number one priority of their life...above all else.
From what you share, it sounds like he is trying to get you back....if that is his main objective...it won't work, in the long run. He has to do it for himself, if he never ever saw you again....
***The early recovery period is considered to be about two years....although, many say that it is much longer than that....
Relapse is always a possibility....especially if they take the principles of AA for granted......
I think that you need to completely detach yourself from his recovery...and, start working on living your own life....focusing on your own development and personal insight for yourself....
Your whole l ife cannot hinge on whether another person stays sober or not.....
He does not need your support...other than not being actually obstructive.
He has others...AA members, his sponsor, and his counselor for that. You are not equipped to help him, and you are too entwined, anyway....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Glad you found SR and posted, welcome.
I strongly agree that you giving him a month to prove he can stay sober is an unrealistic expectation to bank your future with him on. At this point all he has to do is tell you he going to meetings and staying sober while he counts down the days until you come back to him once again. Usually all you have to do is tell an A no to see if recovery is real for them or not. How about you tell him you are not making any promises to him and that you will see how his recovery is in 90 days, sit back and watch his reaction.
In the meantime, work on your own recovery, recovery from that cycle of drinking/leaving/going back – repeat the cycle over and over again. Give al-anon a try, find a counselor or therapy to help you with any codependent issues you have and read and research as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behaviors. Read the stickies here, read lots of posts and you will begin to understand and hopefully accept that you are not in the equation of him getting sober, no matter what he may tell you, this is his and his alone to own and take care of.
Recovery is not words but action, for both of you. Stand strong with your boundaries and if he can’t respect that then he can’t respect you. And that is no kind of a relationship to live in.
I strongly agree that you giving him a month to prove he can stay sober is an unrealistic expectation to bank your future with him on. At this point all he has to do is tell you he going to meetings and staying sober while he counts down the days until you come back to him once again. Usually all you have to do is tell an A no to see if recovery is real for them or not. How about you tell him you are not making any promises to him and that you will see how his recovery is in 90 days, sit back and watch his reaction.
In the meantime, work on your own recovery, recovery from that cycle of drinking/leaving/going back – repeat the cycle over and over again. Give al-anon a try, find a counselor or therapy to help you with any codependent issues you have and read and research as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behaviors. Read the stickies here, read lots of posts and you will begin to understand and hopefully accept that you are not in the equation of him getting sober, no matter what he may tell you, this is his and his alone to own and take care of.
Recovery is not words but action, for both of you. Stand strong with your boundaries and if he can’t respect that then he can’t respect you. And that is no kind of a relationship to live in.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
hates himself for the damage he's caused, hopes I will stick around and wait for him, hopes that I wont date anyone else, that he feels sad and empty without me, is having a hard time sleeping at night because he is not with me, etc etc
ME ME ME ME ME
If he was truly sorry for the damage he caused, he wouldn't have any expectations that you would be sticking around. He wouldn't be trying to make you wait. You've been significantly hurt by his behavior - asking you to stay is like asking the ER doctor that you've just stabbed multiple times to stitch you up.
The general advice I've heard is to wait a year before resuming a relationship with someone in recovery. That gives you enough to time to see if the recovery sticks.
You need to see action AND commitment. You can see the action - you have to wait a while to see if he has the commitment too.
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