kcar11

Hi I’m new here, but have read these forums for the past two years to get insight and need to put my story out there to clear my messed up head.

So my addict and I recently ended things about a week ago and I’ve been up and down about it. We’ve been together for 2 years and he was the person I thought I was going to marry....
He’s struggled with addiction ever since we met two years ago. I admit I saw the red flags but disregarded them because back then I was in a bad place in my life, I was failing out of nursing school and facing depression, so I guess I saw him as a “fixer upper” to take the issues off of me.
His mother recently passed away this past August from her second battle with breast cancer. I loved her dearly. She went as far as telling me to be careful about giving him chances and that he’s a fool if he were to ever let me go, as I am the best thing that’s happened to him. After his mom passed I was there for him as much as I could, even before she passed I always tried to be there for him. But a month after her death in September, I feel as if a higher power basically was telling me everything I needed to know. First I find out that he bought my cousin a bowl to smoke pot out of on my family vacation this past summer. (He’s been claiming that he has been clean since April)....but then I find a suboxone strip fall out of his pocket a week after, which is a drug he used to abuse, but is now prescribed this time around. Then a week after that I found eye drops and blunt cover-up spray in his brand new car.
The night I found the spray and eye drops, we were driving back to my house and he sped 90mph down a 50mph road weaving through traffic, punching the steering wheel. I was scared for my life. I called my dad crying that night, as I tell my dad everything. He’s a recovering addict who just reached 8 years sobriety and is now a drug counselor.
My dad was so angry at my boyfriend that he sprung up a drug test at the NA meeting they go to weekly and my boyfriend refused. Ever since then he has managed to flip this entire situation and has made me and my dad seem as if we’re the bad guys for wanting to know the truth. I have been through hell with this guy for the past two years. He’s been thru 2 rehabs, 3 detoxes, 3 IOPS etc. When I found out about the suboxone and sad that he lied to me yet again, which resulted in me not talking to him for a weekend, he went as far as to send me pictures of his mother’s grave to make me feel bad....It has been a long road filled with sadness for me, but for some reason I cannot let him go. I’m tired of being lied to and deceived. I’ve given this guy everything and have lost my self through it all.

I started going to therapy since we have been on a break for the past month, and came up with a plan to propose the idea to him that he will take a weekly drug test for the next 6 months so that I can trust him again, and if not then we’re done. I don’t know why but part of me thought he’d agree because he has always said he loved me and that he’d do anything to not lose me. But he denied it and I am heartbroken. All he had to say to that was that he’s not agreeing to taking that and that he loves me but we really shouldn’t be dating right now, and that he has to “prove to himself first.” This is all stuff I have heard in the past when he was using, but it hurts just as much now. I guess it’s harder now because his mom is no longer here and she was always someone I could talk to and talked sense into him whenever we would fight (mainly due to his drug use.)

So pretty much I feel as if HE left ME, even though I gave him the ultimatum to take the tests to do what he can to fix what we had. But he hasn’t even reached out to me. I sound pathetic I know, but it’s just so hard. As everyone says on here, I’m an attractive young woman, 23 years old and am currently in school for my Masters so I am so mindboggled why I feel as if he left me in shattered pieces.
After he refused my proposal I even said to him that to at least know I tried (aka given him a 1000th chance). And that I’ve never asked much of him ever in this relationship....and I got no response. It just hurts. I know I’m better off without him. I just don’t know why I can’t move on. Some days are better than others. As horrible as this sounds to know that he’s on drugs and making me feel as if he just “tossed” me away would make me feel better than to know he’s not. But he’s also on suboxone which is a drug, plus who knows what else. If anyone has any advice to get over him please let me know what you think. I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

Maudcat

Hi, kcar.
Welcome to SR.
Time and distance will bring clarity, I think.
Sending you a hug.

Ariesagain

Say he accepted your “proposal”...and maybe the first few tests are clean.

Then...one that isn’t but he has a plausible sounding excuse. Then he starts evading the tests or reneges on this all together because “you don’t trust him” or “you’re not his mother.”

So you go through all of this for another month...or two...and end up exactly where you are now. Which is what is most likely to happen, given the history, yes?

I’m really glad you have your father for support during this and I’m so sorry this is happening.

Sending you a hug.

KRae121012

Hi Kcar,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I tried proposing drug testing to my STBXAH and he also refused saying I wasn’t his “probation officer”. My best advice is to focus on all the positives in your life. You are young, smart, and will have so many more opportunities to find love. Best wishes.

kcar11

Thank you for your response. It just hurts knowing that he’s willing to take a test every few weeks to get his suboxone, but can’t even take a test for the one he claims to love. It’s just a shame. I want to hope it’s the drugs talking, but that’s even a sad thought to have. Thank you so much.

Maudcat

kcar, saying this gently and with kindness: it’s the drugs he loves.
Everything and everybody else is a distant second.
Grieve the end of the relationship, then move on.
It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
Time will heal.

kwinner2

see it as a gift. he is giving you the one truth he can. he cant give you more. take the gift of not having married him or having kids with him. find your strength and happiness. sometimes the best thing they can do for us is let go. hes not going to be able to help you sort out the mess hes left of your head and heart. try a counselor if you can. sounds like your dad may be good support. sending you hugs.

kodi

Hi

If you're you don't mind me asking the following:

As your dad have some knowledge and experience of addictionand knows you better than others - what did he say to you when you got together the addict and when you continued with the addict after signs it wasn't working.

2 years on the forum - in relation to others going through your experience now -is there anything that stuck out to you. Have your read the stickies?

Besides your feelings of love to him what has the addict done towards your relantionship that's positive. Actions not words. I know he tells you things but what has he done to show you.

Have you been reading up on addiction and codepency.

There is a lot to learn and knowledge will help you realize it's not you. It was there before you and will be after you. And you have no effect on it. It takes a lot to beat addiction and if you stay it will be a lifelong battle for you as well to deal with the behavior of an addict.

Keep in mind if it's only the addiction. Many addict have dual diagnosis's meaning there is a mental condition as well as addiction. Do you want this on your plate along with your own life issues to deal with.

Not to mention marriage and even worse kids. The forum has a lot of stories and replies about the latter. Read them.

You are in a place to just walk away and chalk it up to experience. Think long and very hard before going back. If you pull away he will reach out and try to lure you back. I hope for you that you have been reading up and know that it won't last and how to keep him out your life.

Actions are everything with an addict . When he is in rehab - he is in rehab. not when he is telling you he will go or telling you he has his own way to quit or avoiding the subject . Actions not words.

kcar11

Hi,
When I first started dating him, my dad knew right away he had issues and had warned me. But of course I didn’t listen. As the two years passed by, my dad grew to like my boyfriend as they’d go fishing and to meetings together, even while on our vacations. But now my dad thinks he just went to his home group and meetings to weasel his way back into my life when we’d be fighting due to his constant lying. My dad says he’s dealt with many addicts, as he is a counselor, and has said that my boyfriend is one of the greatest manipulators he has ever seen. He’s convinced that he is a narcissist and could win an Oscar with the acting/pretending he does. He can shed crocodile tears like no other to make you start to feel bad and back off, especially recently since his mom passed away he’s now using that as excuse for his behavior and most likely his drug use. I do feel horrible that she passed, and I was there for him and put my resentment aside to be there for him, but all these things that popped up in my face last month without me even lifting a finger was something I cannot just ignore. My dad has made the point over and over again that the only time my boyfriend comes clean and gets help is when he gets caught. So he’s never really gotten clean for himself, mainly just for me and his family to make us happy and get off his back.

I’ve read the sticky What Addicts Do and that really resonated with me. I grew up with my dad in addiction, so I know subconsciously that is a factor that has influenced my dating life. I’ve read many other things as well. I’ve always been one to make excuses for him. But am now just realizing that he is just like any other addict. But my god has he mastered manipulation. I should’ve known something was up with him when I realized he had no real friends when we got together. I’ve lost friends over him too.

Honestly, one of the only positive things I could think of was that he’d always be willing to help around the house. We barely went on dates. If we were to go to the mall it’d be all about him. And if we were to actually leave the house and do something, I’d have to spring up the idea. I am never one to expect gifts, but I had a graduation party this past summer, and my own boyfriend didn’t even get me anything, he justified that by saying that him helping setting up should be a gift in itself....he is a very self centered guy who makes it seem like, with his words, that he’d do anything for me. But it is all untrue.

I am realizing now that I don’t want this in my life forever. I guess because my dad has managed to stay sober with my mom staying with him throughout the years, it put a notion in my head that if I just stayed with my boyfriend, he’d get it together too. But it took my dad years to get clean, and he and my mom already had kids at the time so it was much more difficult to walk away for them.

Dual diagnoses are definitely apparent. He suffers from anxiety as well as ADHD. So he was always one to blame his impulses for his poor decision making. I’ve been understanding to his condition as I suffer from anxiety as well. But he has made me feel bad for “overthinking” and blamed my anxiety for the way I felt. I never felt heard by him and if I did, his actions never backed it up.

I know the wrong move is to take him back. I want to be done with him for good but he just has all the right things to say and knows how to lure me in. It’s sad because I don’t want to be lured back in, but part of me wants him to at least reach out and apologize for everything he’s put me thru and to acknowledge that he’s wrong in all of this, but I doubt that will happen. He’s too twisted up in his addiction, saying that I don’t accept his “flaws” and “who he is,” to even come to the realization that he has a real real problem. I am just framed the bad person here. He’s been ice cold lately which is unlike him. But I know it’s because he’s on suboxone (prescribed this time) and feels that I should be supporting him, but I can’t support him if I know he’s doing other drugs. Plus he used to abuse suboxone so I don’t even think that’s the right way to tackle his addiction, I think it’s more of a crutch for him as he’s somewhat admitted that too. But he’s convinced he’s not doing other drugs or at least tries to convince me. It is all just a big headache and heartache for me to keep second guessing myself.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It made me think long and hard.

kcar11

Thank you for that insight. That really made me think in those terms because I haven’t really given it much thought before. You are absolutely right though, that was bound to happen. He’s gotten kicked out of every outpatient program he’s gone to for failing tests and not being truthful. There’s no doubt he’d fail mine too.

Thanks so much for your response.

HardLessons

Kcar

My addict use to say to me "sorry I didn't mean to hurt you". That was her exact phrase. She said those words to me maybe like a 100 times in our relationship. If you read those words carefully & think about them - they say everything. She was not saying she was sorry for what she did.

After saying those words to me for like the 20th time, I did lash out at her & said why don't you rephrase those words & simply say "sorry I don't care if I hurt you" That didn't go over well.

There is no apology coming from your addict which will help or make sense to you.

Your father nailed it when he said your ABF is a master manipulator. Sending you pictures of his mothers grave? Wow!

You have invested enough of your life with this guy. You know clearly this relationship has no future. You have seen in your life the powerful destructive nature of addiction. Please don't volunteer for more abuse.

I wish you all the best.

kodi

Hi

Your heart and your mind are in two different places. Your heart is reaching out to him hoping so badly that today is the day he shows up he way you want him too. To be the hero again, to make everything better with the right words.

Your head is questioning why you don't leave. Why you keep going back, why is always one more chance when the chance is never taken.

You need to get your head and heart aligned but you need to know what you really want in a relationship not what you are willing to tolerate having someone around that is substandard to the love and respect you deserve.

Look inside and make a list of the very least requirements and be ruthless and be firm - you deserve the best for yourself. No maybes and substitutions. When you know what you want you know what to expect and to ask for.

What has he done that ANY other boyfriend wouldn't do even an okay one. He helps around the house?.... Is this his best and is this the absolute best you are keeping as a reason to have him in your life.

That's not even considering all the negatives you are dealing with his addiction. That's taking the minimum and subtracting all his points to a minus and you are okay with this. You are okay with scraps and let's be fair to him. He is not in a place to give it to you. He can't even stop for himself let alone the next person and he does not want to stop. Why ask from him what he does not want to give?

Look up love addiction and attachment trauma. Even if its not you it will open your eyes and you will gain some knowledge.

You have along way to go to heal but every day you are waiting on him you are losing out on yourself. Its one more day of misery and disappointment. Every day you work on moving away from this situation is one day closer to living a better life.

Also don't just cut him out and move on. Find out why are attracted to his type and work on it or you will end up with another version of him.

kcar11

Thank you for your insight. You are saying everything I am feeling right now. I know I want more out of a relationship. My therapist asked me that exact question: what do I want out of a relationship? And all I could say was honesty. She told me that there’s so much more to a relationship than to just be sober and honest. Honesty should be a given.

My heart still is sad to lose him but I am trying to stay strong and not go with my emotions. I’ve learned from these forums that what I’m feeling is only temporary misery and that it’ll get better with time.

It’s not okay or fair to me that I have settled the past two years with everything I’ve been put through. But I also know I cannot blame him for me enduring it all, I chose to stick around myself.

I loved what you said that every day I wait for him I’m losing out on myself. That couldn’t be more true. I need to remind myself of this daily because moping around depressed won’t get me anywhere it only keeps me vulnerable.

That’s my goal for therapy right now. To take care of me and to find out why I go for these types that I’ve always gone for.
Thanks Kodi so much for your input. It really has opened my eyes.

kcar11

My addict has said similar things to me as well. And I never really read into them until recently. I guess I was just in denial and thought he was “different” from the rest. But that’s just wishful thinking.

Him sending me those pictures made me feel absolutely horrible! But I eventually put it together and realized it was manipulation. I even asked him if he knew what he was trying to accomplish by sending me those, and he said some excuse that he sent it to me, his dad and sisters...and I said no you sent me them because you knew I was upset with you and that was the only way you’d lure me back. He denied it obviously and told me to perceive it whatever way I want. So I did.

It’s been the longest two years of my life. I need to look at it as a blessing in disguise that it ended the way it did. I guess I’m just sad because I didn’t get the closure I wanted, but with addicts you need to create the closure within yourself.
Thank you so much for your insight.

OpheliaKatz

Hi there. This guy sounds like my ex. He doesn't just have addiction, it sounds like he also has a problem with his personality. I wouldn't bother with weekly drug tests. Even if he passes it, do you know that some synthetic drugs don't show up on drug tests? I wanted my ex to stop drugging so he stopped using the drugs that I knew anything about and started using the ones that didn't show up on drug tests... so by the time he had an overdose that hospitalized him, and it didn't show up on a drug test, he conveniently blamed it on PTSD because of his mother (who had tried to warn me about his addiction). He said she was abusive and therefore he had PTSD, and he cut off all contact with her, so he was able to keep drugging in peace... until I found out he was lying. I wanted him to stop, he became violent, and now I'm the "abusive" one for trying to protect myself for going "no contact", and he's going around telling people he ditched me. There are two things going on here: 1) these people -- your A and my A, are both extremely selfish people whose number one priority is their drug, you are secondary to it... if you are even second at all. 2) these are not just people who are addicted, they are SELFISH people, so selfish that I would even venture to call them narcissistic or sociopaths -- they lie, they can lie about anything and everything with a straight face. They might even try to cover their tracks by silencing you when you try to speak out about the way they treat you by telling others that YOU lie.

You want to know why he could leave you. You are an accomplished and attractive woman. It's because you're nothing but a resource. It's not that you're not good enough for him (why do you even have to be good enough, it's not as if he's good enough for even himself, let alone anyone else), it's that you only exist as a sober accessory. As long as he was going around with an attractive, accomplished person, he could look sober and like he was "winning" at life. This is someone who compares his lot to others. My ex was like this -- still is like this. Your A is probably the sort of guy who worries about his flaws being exposed. He is mortally afraid of humiliation... and it takes so little to humiliate his fragile sense of self. He is a weak person. He is a weakly defined, non-self-actualized person. As soon as you are no longer going to go along with the ruse, as soon as you say, "you need a weekly drug test", or "you need to get sober", you're a danger to him because you have the power to expose his lies in public -- so you are not useful to him, you are a liability to his intention to continue his addiction.

Sorry to put it this way, but this guy did not love you the way you deserved to be loved. He may have WANTED to love you the way he wanted to live a normal, non-addicted life, but he lacks the motivation to actually do it. The best he could strive for (and he thought this was good enough), is to pretend that he could have a normal life. You were part of that facade, unfortunately. This is not a person who is evolved enough to understand true love, real love. The fact that he is a drug counselor is doubly disturbing -- it proves that he needs a fake "front" so badly, he will go ahead and masquerade as the very thing he is not. He lies to himself. His lies are DEEP and very serious. He believes his lies, which is a serious problem because you will never get through to him, and if he doesn't believe his lie, then it means he has no or very little moral compass... and this also means you can never get through to him.

Please do not waste any more time over this person. He will only become more psychologically abusive over time. The gaslighting will make your head spin. I wasted more than a decade with my A and I am also an educated person and used to be pretty. I am old now and not so pretty... and he robbed me blind so I am poor. Don't bother watching the door close on his behind.

One more thing... his mother had to ride his ass to keep you two together. That is not the way it should be. He should be doing that work, not his MOM! I feel sad for your loss of her friendship, but you don't have that friendship in him... not after the way he's lied to you.

Trust is a fundamental building block of any relationship. You can't even be friends with someone you can't trust. You should be able to trust your sexual partner completely (especially as a woman).

OpheliaKatz

Hardlessons has it right: master manipulator. That is exactly what he is. Exactly what my A was as well. It was his one talent. He should have got awards for it... lots and lots of awards. It should be branded on his forehead: a big huge double M.

He manipulated his friends, his doctors for prescriptions (and when they caught on, he would change doctors), his bosses, but he had another side to him that wasn't pretending to be sweet and kind. There was a side of him that was cold, calculating, cruel, and so selfish, seeing it was like seeing the face of evil in a horror movie. On top of that there was the addiction... so contact with such a person is a no-win situation. Even if they lose, they will twist things around so they "pretend" that they've won.

I still miss the fake him. I wish that the fake him were real. It makes me so sad sometimes and it makes me doubt myself.

OpheliaKatz

Yep. Sounds like my ex. Dual diagnosis and all.

tomsteve

kcar, one thing that has to occur during recovery is accepting accountability and responsibility for yourself.
no more blaming him for you getting lured back it- that only happens because you are allowing it to happen.

"NO" is a complete sentence.
'why?" can be answered as simply as,"because i said so."

kcar11

Hi,
I just wanted to clear this up. My ex boyfriend isn’t the drug counselor, my dad is, who’s 8 years sober. But my dad has also been saying lately that my boyfriend definitely has a personality disorder....and I completely believe it. Ever since day one he has made himself the “victim” saying no one understands, but I really think he is a narcissist, he’s even said he has PTSD himself. He has no real true friends and never has had them for the two years we’ve been together. He would constantly act like a know-it-all with everything it drove me nuts. You’re absolutely right that they are not just selfish people when it came to addiction. When he was sober for the few months on that he was, he was selfish then too! Then I would be upset because I just supported him thru rehabs and detoxes and he didn’t seem appreciative of that. He has even said to me “I know I seem ungrateful of you at times, but I do appreciate you.” So he’s aware that he makes me feel this way.

I always thought that I was in a sense a “cover up trophy” girlfriend to him and I have said this to him in the past. But now I’m nothing to him, that way he has no one on his back so he can go use. When I wanted the weekly tests, he just acted as if he’s so much better than that and that my needs being met he could careless about.

You’re so right about his mom...it’s sad to think about but he can’t have people on him forever to get himself right. I need to just accept this.

I have never felt more drained and sad in my life after ending things with this guy. And I know it’s the addiction, but the addiction exacerbated the narcissism and that’s what I feel like killed me inside. The gaslighting was horrible this time around with his mothers death. Everything always went back to that to make me feel terrible. Whenever I would voice my thoughts to him thru text he would ignore me for hours so that I’d shut up. Then just say 12 hours later I’m not arguing I’m going to bed, it made me feel like I was going insane. Thankfully, I’m slowly working thru it with a therapist and on here.

Scary how similar our exes are. Thank you so much for your advice. If you have anything else to share such as how you got through it I would appreciate it.

Maudcat

Kcar, a wise person on this site once said, “Addicts can become sober, but that doesn’t necessarily make them good relationship material.”
My sib is alcohol addicted.
But before the drink took firm hold of him, he was still a selfish, self-centered “smartest guy in the room.”
Just ask him.
Okay to be sad about the end of the relationship, but, honestly, you are better off.
As you know, life with an addict is one heartbreak after another.
Good thoughts.