Puca

Hi Sober recovery Forum.

Today I want to write a post on Counting Days.

Basically in the hope of putting it out there to see what other people in similar situations think.

I am roughly 5 years dealing with a terrible relationship with alcohol and addiction in general.

I managed to stay alcohol free for 25 months and this ended in July 2016.

Since then I have had 7-10 slips, which didn't go very well and has brought me back to trying something different in the hope of acknowledging with myself alcohol is a problem in my life.

On tuesday this week I was on Day 87 and drank.

The time previous to that I stayed sober for 77 days then drank.

Both times have been identical. I reach a point of total disillusionment with staying sober and stop all recovery. I then binge, and blackout and wake up vomiting and start all over again.

This time around I am 4 days since my binge, and feel that I am already in the mental process of counting the days.

My worry is....... that this is Just me planting seeds to another blackout in maybe 90 days from now.

This counting days, has me thinking.

I am currently setting myself up to fall by counting the days. and then justifying my slip by saying to myself that well you did good to stay sober for 87 days etc....

I read a lot of posts, where people title their post as day 1 or day 2 or day 56 or day 300.

Basically I am sitting here trying to see how my own counting of days is just really another addiction.

Another way of avoiding life itself. another way of possibly separating myself mentally from reality.

I worry that if i keep doing this, I may arrive at day 96,000 and think, I counted my life away out of fear of drinking or fear of living.

Just curious what other people out there, think of this counting days.

Is it something people find helps with staying sober

or is it just another way of avoiding reality and life's open endedness. or thinking that life is a calender going in a straight line.

it is my fourth day without a drink. but the place i find myself in today mentally and physically feels like I have been here for an eternity. be it day 4 or day 400.


Thanks

August252015

During any of this time, have you worked a program?

For me, AA has been my chosen path and I counted days, every one, for a good while., into the 100s - gradually, I noticed 10s, then 50s then 100s, and didn't count them exactly but could tell you within a couple of days where I was. I just hit 21 mo- today- the months have become markers now but again, I do know where my days are (like, I just passed 600!).

It's a good marker for me of progress, change and "wow, this is WORKING" - and it's also just one tool in my very comprehensive recovery plan. And I know a lot who have "loosened up" their counting - once they are well into YEARS.

That's the key part - doing what we need to do to stay sober permanently, and i am like the many others who do count.

Puca

The program I work is staying sober or choosing to live my life without alcohol.

I don't believe AA is for everyone. I tried it back in my first year of recovery and stopped going to meetings as I found I was thinking about drinking too much of the time.

Have tried Lifering, and some smart recovery and still use some things from AA that helped in the beginning.

Maudcat

Hi, Puca.
Welcome back.
When in early recovery, I simply could not wrap my head around never drinking again.
So I decided to think about it in a different way: I stopped thinking about NEVER and only thought about TODAY.
I won’t drink today.
I stopped counting days after I hit 100.
It just didn’t seem that important anymore.
I went to AA early on, and I know that group counts days.
I say, do what works for you. If counting days feels like self sabotage, don’t do it.
Are you working a recovery plan?

Maudcat

Okay, just saw your response to August.
I hear you about AA.
Very, very helpful for me in early recovery, but, end of the day, not the program for me.
Oh, and I no longer say, “I can’t drink.”
I have replaced it with, “I choose not to drink.”
Good luck.

HTown

I do not count. Like Maudcat I just say “ not today” One day at a time.

Caprice6

You don't need to count the days. At first it's kinda encouraging but it gets old. After a month, I think it's good to let it go and treat yourself better than to counting days, although it may be encouraging to some, to others, like me, it makes me feel forever labeled and imprisoned.
I had done 40 days, now on day 8. Big deal. Nothing has changed. I just need to treat myself better at the end of the day, whatever it may be.

ChloeRose63

I don't count after a few weeks. I sometimes look at a calamdar and notice how far I have come...I do mark my workouts on the calandar. Those are important to me. My days sober now are just that...another sober day of my sober life. ODAAT!

DreamCatcher17

I currently count my days and will continue for a year. I am doing a 365 day journaling challenge and I post my sober count there and I have an app that tells me. I haven't skipped a beat with life as I'm not thinking of that number all day, I still live and do all my normal day to say stuff. If I forget my day, which I have ill look it up if I feel the need.
I will count days until I hit 1 year and from there I'll count years. I have not made it a year, so this goal this day, is important to me.
To see how far I've come from where I was.
I also don't use my day as an excuse to drink 'oh, I've made it 87 days, great I can do that again, I'm going to drink' that's just silly to me. I have no plan on stopping my sobriety and I have to work it every day or I'm going to fail and relapse, that's not an option.
Vest of luck, be honest with yourself and your excuses - not being rude just honest

Puca

THanks all who replied.

Since I posted, I have been thinking instead of worrying and getting angry about this counting days phenomenon I should really look at what triggered my slip around 87 days. I have a way of avoiding things like this, and focus a lot of thought on the mechanics of days, rather than my efforts to move out of old habitual tendencies.

My mind is still in the early day 4 place. of what's the point;

i have no desire to drink as this would be a pointless experience with the same result.

Dee74

Hi Puca

I don't think counting the days is the problem. Count or don't count - just don't drink.

Reading into what you wrote, getting disillusioned with being sober is the problem.

I knew, if I wanted to stay sober for good, I needed to build a sober life I loved. For me that meant dealing with some deep seated issues I used to drink over - but it also meant I had to recalibrate my ideas of fun and socialising too.

My whole Identity was tied up with my drinking.

When I stopped and started 'peeling back the onion' I found a me I'd forgotten about.

so yeah - I had to do a lot more than not drink. Otherwise I would still be living my drinkers life and just not drinking.

That's a recipe for being miserable.

Support helps too - I recommend checking in here daily or more than daily.
If you feel yourself getting disillusioned again - ask for help and advice

D

rascalwhiteoak

I have an app that counts for me. I checked it a lot in the beginning; now, not as much. But it's there, and if I'm feeling tempted, or maybe just feeling good about being sober, I can check in.