thousandwords53

Things are all coming together at a breakneck pace ...multiple therapy appointments this week have helped me, I've managed to get a house for the kids and I, a raise, a small loan to help move us in...I just need to activate my safety plan and rip this band aid off. I'm thinking a week or less and things will be happening.

This is the scariest thing I've ever done. Worse than when I loved us out last time...I know this is for real.

Could use all the support. Thanks all.

thousandwords53

I'm on my mobile, sorry this is so quick and concise. I just can't believe how things have just fallen into place I need to run with it. This is the "sign " I needed.

SparkleKitty

I know you meant "moved", but this is truly an act of love for yourself. Very proud of you, and sending all my strength and courage to you.

hearthealth

I'm thinking of you and giving you my support. As scary as it is, IME, it's scarier going back in. One step at a time and take time for yourself and children during the hard parts.

Nola0250

I was where you are (minus kids) less that a month ago. I know that heart-in-your-throat feeling. Keep breathing and trust yourself. You’ll be in the right place.

dandylion

TW.....often, anticipation is worse than the actual thing, itself. Fears are feelings, and, not necessarily, facts.

Mango blast

One step at a time. It'll be okay.... and your life will heal.

One word of caution.... keeping your new location very private may be needed to avoid future chaos.

Sending many good wishes, hugs and blessings!

thousandwords53

KTF,

That is a small concern of mine, as the new home is in the same town and he will eventually find us. I have eyes on every corner in this town...but in a way that is protection.

My next course of action is to be prepared for immediate departure, as Dandy reminded me on a different thread, and to figure out the hitches in my safety plan. I'm going to reach out for professional help in that arena.

I appreciate you all so much.

kodi

It takes great courage to do what you doing. I left because I just couldn't anymore at the very end of a downward spiral and then some. I commend you for planning and execution, more than what I could've done at the time.

Ariesagain

At some point, it’s easier just to do it than to think about it anymore.

Sending you a hug.

Hummer

You're doing great - keep going.
Warmest wishes

Sasha1972

Sending you support and encouragement. "Go time" indeed!

Bekindalways

Where ever you wind up in the next few days, we will be electronically behind you!

thousandwords53

I'm aware this won't last...but of course of course this weekend has been very mild and peaceful. I have committed to doing this but right now my mind is playing tricks on me. I am reading my journals and old posts tonight.

Tryingin2016

Good luck with this. I know it’s hard but what kept me going was thinking about the kind of life I wanted my kids to have. Months later that turned into thinking about the kind of life I wanted & deserved.

<<hugs>>

Mango blast

((((Hugs))))

Maudcat

It’s uncanny.
It’s as if they know something is up.
My addicted sib always knows when we are about to bring the hammer down for whatever jerkface thing he has done.
Alcohol spidey sense.

FireSprite

I have often felt that almost as soon as I come to a big decision that requires deliberate change, my HP likes throw obstacles in my path that directly challenge that idea. Like, you decide to cut sweets out of your diet in the morning & then someone hands you a piece of birthday cake when you walk into your office a few hours later.

As soon as I find my resolve, my HP works overtime finding ways to test it. You can do this, thousandwords.

hearthealth

Those mild days are hard.
They make you over analyse and possibly change your mind. The problem is it won't last. The bad days do reappear.

thousandwords53

Soon after posting this last night.... I was subtly reminded of the life we will continue to live if I stay. I had time to reflect back on the weekend and I realized even when it's good...it's really not that awesome. Cliche and have heard that before but it really is true...

Even when obvious abuse is absent, I still feel a pull between my children and my husband. He does not understand my maternal needs to enjoy our children, without a timer, because they will only be little for so long. Selfish and self centered. Not a partner through this season of our life- child rearing.

Bed time routines are rushed in my mind because I know he is waiting, impatiently, in his recliner down stairs while I bathe, and read to and tuck in the children. He's downstairs waiting for "our night to start" ...expects all in bed eyes closed so he can clock out on life..a life he does not fully participate in...he does not emotionally relate to the importance of what I am doing. He does not step in and help by my side so it is completed in half the time with two parents showing this love. I provide a consistent routine solo...
It all starts again when we wake up and they knock on the door...he hates it...I think, where else are they to go when they wake up? To their parents of course...sometimes I love to co-sleep when needed, he does not. This is just a small part of the reality.

I realize that I am so numb to how bad it is...I don't even know the magnitude...I am dreaming of our own home ...with their art displayed everywhere and a happy dinner time laughing and bed times that may vary by a few minutes and I only will have to answer to myself.

the dirty work of filing and breaking the news will be terrible but I know it has to happen. Thank you for being here to vent these thoughts as they unfold.