UnsureNLonely

Hi, I'm new to this forum and have never tried one before. I see a therapist every two weeks and she's helped me understand what's happening with my boyfriend (we've been together for 1 1/2 years), but I don't have anyone to talk to or lean on, so I'm getting pretty low and I need help. He's an alcoholic who goes on benders lasting anywhere from a few days to over a week. He loses his jobs, has trouble paying rent and keeping his life together. He went sober in July and just relapsed. That was a good stretch for him and I'm confident he'll make it longer this time, but it's more and more evident that his sobriety is attached to our relationship. Now he's asking that I give up drinking completely (I don't drink around him, just when I go out with a girlfriend or to a company event). I've already given up so much to be with him: time, money, emotional strength, it's even created problems between me and family. Now this? It's not that drinking is super important to me, but I enjoy relaxing with my friends and having a beer with my boss. Am I being selfish for wanting to keep this? I imagine that this is common thing for recoverers and their partners...what's the right thing to do?? I'm so conflicted and hurt. And I'm trying to not be resentful or bitter about so much of this...I'm so confused...

hearthealth

The right thing to do is what brings you happiness.

I could not drink around my husband when he was sober.

Drinking with your friends, without him and without drinking more than is allowed IMO should not be an issue. It sounds like a control issue for him.

UnsureNLonely

Thanks for that. That's exactly how I feel, but all of this making me feel crazy on top of the rest. Appreciate your opinion.

kodi

I'm summarising your post in my mind and I have it follows:

I'm with someone with an addiction. Im drained and resentful. He has taking my time, energy and emotional resources. He not accountable financially as he loses jobs and doesn't pay rent. I have no social life and its harder to with an alcoholic. He is causing family problems with my family. he relapses. I'm am tired of this. All this in 1 and half years.

Question: I want to have a beer (not 6pack or drunk -just a beer) with my boss when I relax with my friends. I enjoy the beer with my friends. Boyfriend wants me not to have the beer. Trying not be be hurt.

Do you see a HUGE imbalance here? Have I misread something? Beer against a long list of what he is not doing.

This is more than about you having a beer.

When you resolve that you will know whether you want to have the beer or not.

kodi

I don't endorsing drinking around an alcoholic or when they are in hard in recovery. I would not want that if I were trying to stay sober unless I have worked enough to handle it.

I'm am pointing out that the beer is a symptom of bigger things.

atalose

And now he’s asking for even more.

Why are you trying not to be resentful and bitter, it sounds like you have every reason to be angry and resentful and bitter, that’s what happens in toxic relationships. One person gives and gives while the taker keeps on taking.

Drinking around him is not a good idea, allowing him to control what you do when you are not around him is not a good idea either.

AnvilheadII

Now he's asking that I give up drinking completely

um, i think that's HIS job right? to give up drinking completely? that he relapsed is not YOUR problem, or your fault.

however, this could maybe be your last straw. you HAVE given up a lot, there is friction with other relationships, you sound tired and just done in.

maybe the thing to "give up" is him? he can be just as sober as he wants, relapse when he wants, issue edicts from his throne all he wants, and meanwhile you can be living a peaceful contended life with good relationships with family and friends. sounds kinda nice eh?

AlcSis

IMO, you don't "have" to do anything that your ABF requests.

He is your boyfriend; not your boss.

Is this the kind of relationship you truly enjoy being in?

Doncha' think YOU deserve better?

A healthy relationship (IMO) shouldn't be filled as many problems and roadblocks as the one you are describing seems to have.

Good luck and I hope you listen to what others have written to you!

LovePeaceSushi

I've tried it both ways with my AH and it didn't make a bit of difference. He still did the same thing, no matter what changes I made. I know of a man in AA whose wife still drinks as heavily as she ever did. But you know what? He remains sober even with her trying to sabotage him, so it can be done.

You haven't been with this guy long enough for him to dictate to you (who I assume has no drinking problem) what you can do. Yes, it stinks for him not to be able to drink like normal people, but you know what?!? It's just the way it is.
He's going to have to work on his sobriety himself. There will ALWAYS be temptations.

PeacefulWater12

Us quitters don't have the right to expect others to tip toe around us. If people want to drink it's up to them.

We have to learn to live in the real world. Which does include people who drink. We should not be pandered to.

I would encourage you to do what you want.

I quit drinking whilst my husband continued not only drinking but trying to sabotage me! It made me strong.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics take hostages and I hope you can keep yourself from becoming one. It's none of his business if you drink outside your time with him. If his recovery is tied to your relationship and not his own desire to stop drinking then don't expect it to last. And, ask yourself if this is what you really want in a serious relationship. A big hug.

tomsteve

sooo, youre already pre meditating the viscious cycle happening again?

MY drinking problem was MY drinking problem. it didnt matter if everyone in the world gave up drinking when i stopped- i was NOT going to get and stay sober unless i honestly and sincerely wanted to.

PuzzledHeart

^^^^ What NYCDoglvr said.

My husband has a medical condition that prevents him from drinking alcohol. Half the time he's encouraging ME to drink at events because he feels bad that I want to restrain my own consumption to support him. He can't run because of the strain, but cheered me on when I ran two marathons. The last thing he would ever want me to do was for me to put my life on hold to prove to him that I pity him. He has too much self-respect for that.

If the mere THOUGHT of you drinking gets your ABF in a tizzy he has a lot more work to do on himself before he can be a partner in ANY relationship.

Eddiebuckle

I completely agree. I've been sober for almost 8 years now, and my then-girlfriend now-wife quit drinking when I got back from rehab. At first I thought that was completely unnecessary, but it has really helped to have a sober partner through it all. When she is out with her friends or family and I am not present, drinking is fine. Expecting her to not drink when we are apart is over the top - it has nothing to do with me.

velma929

I can understand keeping the home chem free. Telling your spouse not to drink when out with friends is over the top.

If someone wants a tea-totaler as a life partner, pick one. Marriage isn't reform school.

maia1234

Besides him not drinking, is he working a program?

There is a huge package that comes in recovery. From what you are saying, telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing and him falling off the wagon does not sound like recovery.

Stick with your therapist and work on you. Find out why after only 1 1/2 years together, that you find this man a good catch and want to spend the rest of your life with him. That's the big question. Hugs!!

Smarie78

I could have written this myself except for that my qualifier never forbid me for drinking in general or in front of him. I stopped drinking in front of him for a while - I'd say most of the time we would go out and me being a regular drinker I would not order anything in order to support him. This made me a little resentful (I was already drowning in a massive pile of resentment toward him). I love wine with dinner. I love a cold beer on a warm summer day. But I couldn't do it and support him so I stopped.
But none of it mattered, he always relapsed no matter what I did or didn't do to support him. So then I didn't care anymore and ordered a drink sometimes. Never kept it at home or had a cold beer at dinner since that's what he loves. But I may order a margarita or something like that after asking him how he felt.

Point really is always coming down to how much are you willing to give up for this man. I had to and still have to ask myself that. The relationship drove a wedge between my family and I, I resented him all the time for always messing up when he would say he was working on it. I resented taking care of his disasters, footing the bill for when things would inevitably go south, resented not getting to have a normal relationship with a normal person. Resentment kills. Eventually, like the alcoholism, it destroys the relationship. You lose your respect for them. You love them but you slowly grow to hate everything they are dragging you through. It's ugly. I wish you well. Only you know how high the cost is that your willing to pay.

Divijata

Sounds like a good catch.

Lack of rent money would be a deal breaker. Poor person's mentality only attracts poverty.

It seems he's making his sobriety dependent on external conditions rather than coming from internal power.

53500

Pretty bad. I hope you're not willing to financially support him or live with him.

Noooo, it is not, not in any way shape or form! Not even a little bit. His sobriety is 1000% him. Please get that idea out of your head, unsure, you are in for endless unnecessary guilt and manipulation if you think his sobriety is attached to your relationship.

Oh and to the title of your post: no, of course you don't have to stop drinking when you're not with him! That request is out of line. Even when you are with him. If you *want* to refrain from alcohol while you're with him that's nice, maybe helpful, but up to you. He sounds very controlling.