BrunetteBabe05

I appreciate everyone's advice on my other thread. I know a lot of you are probably sick of me, but I have nowhere to turn. I noticed my ex hasn't been bothering me. I thought it was because he started trouble with his brother and told the brother what I said about him beating his two year old son. His bro's girlfriend sent me text after text to the point of me pressing harassment charges on her.

Well, I was wrong. I found out from the room mate that he is hooking up with a 57 year old rich woman. He's 29 and always told me he would never go for someone older than him. The room mate said "Dude, you're dating a 57 year old? Ok?" He said "Yeah because she can provide everything for me. She has money, vehicles, and she'll take care of me, so I am going to move in with her." The room mate said "Uh? Don't you want your own place? You make $1200 a week dude! You can afford your own place." He said "Yeah but she can provide everything for me." He doesn't need someone to technically take care of him because he does make good money, he has his own car, and he rents a house and splits it with his room mate. So, that is mind boggling that he still wants to use someone even having money, a car, and a place to stay himself.

That hurt me to the core. He was confessing his undying love for me, and begging for me to come back to him for weeks! He was trying so hard and I kept holding my ground that if he gets help, then I will be with him, otherwise no. He still kept trying. The room mate even said he was moping around and depressed about me, now all of a sudden he's not? How can you just shut off your emotions like that? It only has been a little over a month and already he is hooking up with some woman? Plus it's hurting me knowing he used me this whole time. He only wants someone who will provide for him, so this relationship I had with him for two years was all one sided. I was the one in love with him, and he just used me, and had no feelings obviously for me. I am so hurt because he is going after this woman for merely what she can provide. That means that's all I was good for too. I really thought he loved me, and I thought his addiction to alcohol got in the way of it, but I was wrong. He hasn't texted me, or my mother, or called. However, my mother met up with the room mate to give the rest of his stuff at a restaurant. When the room mate left, he said my ex texted him saying "Is Olivia ok? I just want to know if she's ok?" He said "Yeah dude." But why does he want to know if I am ok if he's messing around with this woman? I am so hurt. Is this typical using addict behavior? He seemed to have moved on quickly.

Because if he really loved me, he wouldn't be able to move on so fast. If he really loved me, he would still contact me even being with this woman if she is just a void to fill. I haven't been on a one date because I am so heartbroken and I don't trust guys. I have been so depressed, and yet I am thrown like trash. I am glad he went ghost on me and my mother, but I am still depressed knowing it's because he found someone else. He just used me this whole time. I am so upset. Any words of encouragement or similar stories will help. I am just so beaten down. I can not tell if this is typical alcoholic behavior or just his character that is unrelated to alcohol?

Nola0250

Wow that really hurts! I don’t know if you can blame it on alcoholism, poor character or both but does it matter? For sure you deserve someone of real character and quality and he’s not.

I haven’t experienced this (yet) but I just left my AH less than 3 weeks ago, and I expect I will before too long. He can’t stand to be alone, needs an audience for his drama and I was always a bit socially awkward and didn’t date much. Older now and no idea how I’d meet people outside of work (not going there!!)

Plus we have mutual friends and go to the same gym. I’ve been wondering how I’m going to take it when it happens.

So sorry you’re having to deal with that! Hell of a way to learn a persons true character.

kodi

Hi

Move on. Today.

Cut contact.

Delete him from your phone and wherever else necessary.

Stop keeping track of what he says and does with other people.

Stop trying to read his actions as something else. Take it what it is. If you don't hear from him its because he hasn't reached out to you. If he hasn't made an effort with you then its because he hasn't made an effort for you.

Again, move on.

Nothing like space to make a person know what they are missing IF they are missing that person.

And from what I know and I'm no expert if a guy is keen on a specific girl he will not make his life harder by hooking up with other women as well regardless of the reason (money, opportunity etc). How keen is he on you when he does this?

atalose

I think when “reality” begins to set in and our “bargaining” of blaming it all on the booze is when the real hurting begins. Because before you had this information you were still operating on, if only you could remove the booze, get him help, things would be great and you would be happy. And that’s the fantasy many of us chased until reality hit us square in the face.
Sorry you are hurting but glad your eyes are seeing things more clearly

kodi

I had a quick look at your threads. You mention his abusive behaviour towards you. I will say again. Cut all ties. He is not showing change or improvement or a desire to be better.

The time you are spending on him, you NEED to be spending on yourself and why you are drawn to this person with his behaviour and why you can't let him go.

You have a hole, a need he is (unhealthily) filing that you must fill yourself first. But you need to figure out what it is first.

AnvilheadII

so do you suppose what he SAYS to the new woman is:

I am just using you for your money, you wrinkled old cougar.

OR do you think he is saying the things that SHE wants to hear:

you are so amazing, i've never met anyone like you, i think about you all the time and want to be with you.

there are names for men like him and i don't mean alcoholic. you WANT to believe all the NICE words he say, but you do NOT want to believe all the bad stuff he DOES. there is nothing left about HIS life that you should waste your time on. no more updates from friends, no more relays of he said/she said.

BLOCK AND WALK.

hopeful4

I think it's the behavior of an a$$hole. Really.

Be glad you did not end up with someone who is willing to use people like that.

Hugs.

BrunetteBabe05

I know to block him, but I guess I am just trying to seek some kind of solace in knowing this is his addiction and if people had similar stories of their addict ex doing the same thing? Because I am extremely hurt, so I know never to go back to him because I provided so much financially and emotionally that he obviously just used me. I was just seeing if this is alcohol related and if people could relate to me. Because I am having a real hard time coping with the fact that I was used and I feel all alone.

It is so strange because he doesn't need to sponge off people. He has everything and a nice job, nice car, etc. He makes no sense. I think he just wants to be cared for and not spend any of his money.

I guess it would just be comforting to know someone went through this. I guess it's his character and not the disease from what you all are saying. It breaks my heart. I am just reaching out and trying to find some information or comfort. I changed my number and my mom did too. I am just so upset. Thank you all again for the love and support. Xoxo.

dandylion

Brunette....Yes! There are real life stories from thousands...thousands, literally...on this forum, of people who have or are going through the same thing that you are.
Go to your other thread and honeypig gave you instructions on how to find them.
Please go back and read all the posts that I made to you....read them again...I gave you a link to our library of dozens of excellent articles.....keep reading and learning from them....
Knowledge is power.
Also, I have mentioned a couple of books for you to read....Especially, "Co-Dependent No More".....

to answer your question....Yes. This is classic alcoholic behavior. And, yes, there are other issues that he has in addition to alcoholism. The two are intertwined and feed into each other. You cannot help him with that..he will have to. You are not equipped and you will only get in the way...and, end yourself off in the ditch, in the process.
If you want a life..a good life...you need to soldier through this (with the help of a therapist...lol...and, us)....and only look forward and keep reading and keep learning! Don't give up. Never give up.

BrunetteBabe05

I read those links you sent me, but I will re-read them. I just get very emotional and tell my personal story to seek some kind of personal knowledge instead of reading general material on alcoholism if that makes sense? I am not knocking the info at all. I just think I get too emotionally distraught and want to express how I feel. I also wanted to see if other people went through the same thing and can relate to me. You answered that question, apparently there are a ton of people who go through this and that's very sad. I appreciate you a lot. I contacted my old therapist and left a message, hopefully she still accepts my insurance. I haven't seen her in like a year or so.

you are so right, and I thank you for your comforting words. I will look at honeypig's comment again. I am just rattled and so upset. I am trying to fight really hard through this. I just thought I would hear this at least 4 months down the road. It took me by surprise that he is using someone and moving on so quickly after our break up only being a little over a month. It makes me sick. I talk to guys, but I have no energy or effort I want to put into these guys I am talking to. I have not dated anyone because I am so heartbroken. It's crazy how I was his "soulmate" and everything else that was "lovely", yet I am thrown away like trash in an instant. Not cared for, not loved, and it hurts to know this relationship was literally for nothing. I am just hurt. Thank you for the support dandylion. You have been so helpful. Xoxoxo. <3

dandylion

Brunettebabe.....don't get me wrong....I totally relate to how heartbreaking this is.....I have been there, myself. And it is totally normal and healthy to want to talk to other face to face humans (and us) when one is grieving. It is one of the most helpful things...humans need other humans...we are very social creatures.
That is one reason that you will see alanon recommended so much....sharing with others who have had the same heartbreak and understand beyond mere words. Same for your therapist....a person who can listen compassionately and is always in your corner.....
I understand that you are too shook up to absorb all of this that is being thrown at you, at one time....you have to keep working at it.
Did you read all of the articles in the Classic Reading section that I gave....OMG, there are dozens and dozens of them! I have never seen anyone read them that fast!! They are m ore about the effects of the loved ones (like you and m e) than about the alcoholism.......
By reading the other people's stories, you will see that it is very common for the alcoholic to move on, right away....they NEED their enablers to maintain their drinking and to get their "feel good" to distract themselves from their own disease. It is more common than uncommon.......

This grieving period is the pits. It will go on for a while...in varying degrees...getting better, in fits and starts, as time goes on.
You should have seen me....a crying hot mess! The earth's water table actually dropped, due to the amount of tears that I cried.....
A year later....my whole life had changed....
The two years was not a loss...and, you will see this, later....
His feelings might have been sullied by the alcoholism and other issues of his....
but YOUR feelings were sincere. That is what counts.
Active alcoholics cannot handle the responsibilities of a relationship....they are not equipped to and they can't even be honest with themselves....

People often make more progress during the time of crisis and pain than at any other time. This is a great opportunity for you....as you are healing....the things that you learn now, you will carry with you for the rest of your life. Nobody can take that away from you.....
this is really short term pain for the long term gain.......a big factor in maturing....

Ariesagain

Codependents mourn. Addicts replace.

His “relationship” with her has nothing to do with you. He’s essentially gone pro in order to support his habits.

Please don’t view it as anything that reflects on you, okay?

It’s just another step down the hill. At the very least, maybe it will ultimately help you give up false hopes, but they die hard, I know.

I’m sorry, sweetie. Sending you a hug.

BrunetteBabe05

I'll read more of it Dandylion. I am so sorry for what you went through as well. love and hugs to you <3 My brain is so rattled and I feel like I am in a fog, so you are right, I can't really absorb a lot right now. I think what breaks my heart the most is the fact that I was completely used and not loved at all. He made it seem like I was so special and his everything, but I wasn't. It was a relationship for nothing. I gave my virginity to someone that truly did not love me. I was holding onto true love as much as I can, I didn't care how long it took me to find the right one, and I thought I did by giving myself to him. I fell so deeply in love with him, all for him to just not love me back and use me. It's a hard pill for me to swallow. It's so painful.

I really hope I can look back and laugh at this or be content with this. I'm so heartbroken I can't even utter words. My depression is so bad. I want to go to an Al-Anon meeting, but every time I want to go, I become tired from my depression and sleep. Therefore I miss it. I seem to reschedule everything, all I do is sleep and cry now. I seemed to be holding it a bit better before. I definitely wasn't crying, barely was. It's a nightmare. I am suffering so much for someone that did nothing wrong. It's mind boggling and crazy how deeply in love I was with a person who used me and didn't love me at all.

Aries love and hugs to you. Thank you for your support. Love and hugs to you dandylion. I am glad you came out strong and defeated your pain. Thank you for giving me hope. Xoxo.

suki44883

The experience wasn't "for nothing;" it is for learning. You learned something, and going forward, you will be more cautious. You didn't do anything wrong except get mixed up with the wrong guy. You will get past this, and be stronger because of it. Hugs to you.

Ariesagain

I hesitate to post this, because I really really REALLY don’t want to give you any illusions that this situation is salvageable.

But here’s a thing. Most alcoholics and addicts are continually looking for something on the outside to “fix” what’s broken on the inside. Your ex no doubt believed he found that in you and “loved” you the best he could...which isn’t much.

So it wasn’t all a sham, necessarily. It’s that alcoholism is a progressive addiction and one jealous mistress...and that relationship overrode everything else.

I doubt very much he’s in love with this meal ticket person,no matter what he tells her or himself. She’s a means to an end.

So to the extent it helps, it’s not the same and you haven’t been replaced by her...you’ve been overwritten by alcoholism.

Love doesn’t cure addiction or this board would not exist.

Sending you a hug.

LLLisa

Yes, player, user, loser, manipulator to use just a few...

LLLisa

I'm sorry you are feeling so broken heart-ed. It will get better.

It's pretty safe to say that you are not alone in that. There's not a single woman in my circles who didn't feel the same
In time you will recover from this. It's fairly universal that women get used and abused and are shamed for it. In 2017 we realise this more than ever. If number 45 can admit to grabbing us by the "*****" and still be the "ruler" of the free world well... In time, as women, we do get stronger and realise that we can stand up for ourselves and refuse to allow ourselves to be used, abused and objectified.

Virginity is not as precious a prize as some fables and fairy tales would admit. Your sexuality is yours and yours alone. Do with it as you wish.

KES06

I'd just like to remind people this is a site for addictions.....not politics.

Seren

Sometimes, with our first serious, adult relationship, we get lucky. We are with someone who is loving and trustworthy, respectful and kind, and maybe the relationship ends because our lives are simply going in different directions.

Sometime, our first serious relationship is with someone who seems perfect, makes our heart sing, says all the right things...who we feel like there is some instant, and magical connection. We love the way that "magic" makes us feel...

Unfortunately, that magical feeling often blinds us to the red flags that begin to wave about this other person. And since we are young, it is our first adult, serious relationship, we don't know how important those red flags can be.

Believe me, you are not alone in feeling duped by someone. You are not alone in getting your heart broken. Sadly, there are so many stories on these boards that are similar to yours. I certainly ignored red flags in my day--especially with my ex-husband who cheated on and then divorced me.

I understand the pain and isolation you are feeling right now, but you are not alone! We absolutely get it. Please keep reading and posting to work all of this out. You have found a community here who does understand.

PeacefulWater12

I relate to the pain you are feeling. Please be assured none of it is personal. It is alcoholism doing what alcoholism does.

The kindest thing for you is to block all contact and take care of yourself.