NotVeryHappy

I need some advice. My wife is an extreme alcoholic of 10 years. She has cirrhosis of the liver stage 4. She has not lived with me in the past 5 years. During the past 5 years, her drinking has gotten worse and worse. She has been in 9 rehabs, 8 sober livings, and has lived in her truck. She went through breast cancer chemo treatments and drank all the way through them. She has been on two ventilators as a result of drinking too much, with the last one being in May. She has been evicted from her apartment, lost her job, has not seen my two young girls ( 10, 12) more than 4 times since July 1st. Furthermore, she has only talk to them 15 times since July 1st. When she decides to drink, she disappears for 10 days at a time or more and does not have any contact with her family at all. She has been living in her truck for 5 days. She has started showing up in front of my house and sleeping in her truck. When I saw it for the first time (2 days ago) I asked her to leave before the girls saw her and she told me only if I allow her back in the house. I did not. She said that she's not leaving and locked the door. My girls had to see their mom sleeping in a truck outside of their home. Then she showed up at my house last night when I was coming home with both girls in my car and she was attempting to pull into my driveway. She was completely drunk. When I went to approach her, she locked the door backed away and left. She is now drinking and driving all the time. And my kids have seen her do it. I have done a lot to make sure my kids are well-adjusted. Including bringing them to the Betty Ford Center for Children of alcoholic parents. They've been through that program three times.

I am at my Wit's End and I just wanted it to end and I want her to stop bothering the kids and I. The advice that I need is should I contact her mom and let her mom know what has been going on? She has no idea how bad it's been. In fact, she thinks her daughter was sober for 3+ years. She has no idea. at all in any way. My concern is that if I tell her it will destroy the relationship that those two have and then my ex-wife will not have anyone to talk to or a support system. But is that just hitting rock bottom? Please help a struggling dad and a sad father! I'm scared for her, for my girls mental health, and for those sharing the road with her. Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!

kodi

I mean this in the most respectful way but you are watching a train wreck nearing its final stages. And your nerves are shot from being front seat. Can you stop this train wreck at high speed? Personally I think you need to accept its going to end very badly for her and start planning accordingly. This is not a good situation - I feel for you and her and the girls.

honeypig

NVH, I looked back on each of the threads you've started here at SR. I see a similar post in 2012. I see another similar post in 2014. Then I see a similar post in June of 2017. And only the details are different each time. This is a 5-year span. None of this is new to you.

It seems to me that separating your life from hers would be an important step to take. As kodi said, your other alternative is to continue watching, from your front-row seat, the chaos of someone in late stage alcoholism.

You've had 5 years (at the very least) where you've been aware of what's going on. I tend to believe that you know what you need to do...it is time to act.

Is part of the reason you're considering telling her mother about this b/c you're hoping perhaps the mother will take over the responsibilities?

biminiblue

Yeah, it sounds like she's nearing the end alright. (But then, it could be 20 more years.)

Please please call the police whenever she shows up. Get her out from behind the wheel before she kills you or someone else with her truck. Jail might be the best thing that ever happened to her.

atalose

In my opinion NO, what could her mother possible do that you have been unable to for all of these years? Don’t you think that if her mother was able to stop her daughter from drinking, that that would have happened by now?

.

If her mother doesn’t know that she is drinking again, then the relationship isn’t really that close right now, is it?

And unless her mother is a police officer who could arrest her for DUI when she is driving drunk or passed out drunk behind the wheel of an automobile with the keys in it, there is nothing her mother could do.

The possibility of her once again getting help would come from calling the police not her mother. Do you have a logically reason why you have not contacted the police?

kodi

I'm highly highly concerned about the heavy drinking and driving. Operating a heavy vehicle at speed while drunk - Ive watched enough accident footage to give me chills with the possibilities. Will end badly when on the road with other innocent people.

The physical condition with all the mentioned health problems - I can only imagine how much a persons body can take before it can't anymore plus the strain of alcohol every day. I cant even handle a common flu myself. The list is long mentioned.

Mango blast

You can't control her or what the police do.

What you can do is call the police to ask for a "welfare check". They can access the situation and proceed from there. You don't need to be related to someone to ask for a welfare check.

A visit to your local domestic violence help shelter may be beneficial for support for yourself and your girls. Emotional abuse is every bit as traumatic as physical abuse.

If a stranger was doing this to you and your family, what would be healthy to do to protect yourselves and get help?

This person you're dealing with is not the person you once knew.

dandylion

NotVeryHappy.....I will tell you what I would do, if I were in your shoes....But, this is only me, and may diverge from the mainstream....
I would report her to the police in a way that will get her arrested. She is better off in jail...and she will get some medical attention, there...and, will, probably have to send her to the hospital for detox. It sounds like she will go into withdrawl in a matter of hours, if sshe is not able to consume any alcohol.
Once in hospital,,,you can, then, ask the hospital social worker that is assigned to her (every patient is assigned one)...and there are social workers assigned for emergency room patients....You can ask the social worker and detox staff to help arrange her to be transferred to a rehab program....
I doubt that she can stop drinking, on her own, at this point, because of withdrawl symptoms....at least, when she is sober, then, those that can help her, have a chance to deal with her.
At least, she would have her license taken away, if she is arrested, and her truck will be impounded.....That gets her off the highway.

As for her mother, I, personally, would tell her. In a life and death situation, I would tell a relative....and, this does sound like a life and death situation....

Can I assume, that, since your children have been to Betty Ford program, that you, also, have contacts for your own support?

honeypig

This is what you posted only a few months ago, NVH:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-what-do.html (Not Sure What to Do)

KTF mentions "welfare checks", but that was already brought up in this older thread.

Lexie's post, #6 in the thread, gets right to the point in that inimitable Lexie fashion...hard to hear? Yes. Honest and to the point? Again, yes.

biminiblue

Welfare checks are not worth anything, they won't break in to check on her - plus she's entitled to drink in her own home.

I would absolutely without doubt call the police when she shows up in her truck, though. She needs to be arrested and in jail instead of wielding a 4000 pound weapon against the world.

hopeful4

I agree, call the police and ask for a welfare check. They may cart her off to jail, or better yet the hospital, but at least she would be safe and not driving there. I agree with the above post that this is a life or death situation, I would tell her mother.

You have done all you can. I would focus on yourself and your kids. Good for you to send them to that program, I have heard it's excellent. I hope they are in counseling? If not I would suggest that. The right counselor has been a god send for my kids.

Hugs hugs to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

NotVeryHappy

She has texted 3 times in the past 2 hours. Each one is a suicide text. Telling me that she will watch over the girls from heaven. I should move on but remember to hug the girls everyday and tell them you love them. This is goodbye. It has to end.

This is almost too much for one person. I am hurting, scared.

I called the police to report everything. They are going to "look for her" at the 3 locations I provided. And then a BOLO for her truck.

My girls. I hate this life. I love my life with my girls but I am in a world of pain, anger, confusion, sadness.

SparkleKitty

Well done notifying the authories, NVH -- you are right, this *is* too much for you, this is a situation far better handled by professionals. If she is serious, they will help her. If she is bluffing to manipulate your sympathy towards her, she will learn that you will take all threats seriously and call on professionals to intervene.

I am sorry you are hurting and scared. Anyone would be. Sending you strength, courage, and hugs.

Ariesagain

You did the right thing. This is for mental health professionals to handle.

At some point, you maybe should consider a restraining order.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Sasha1972

I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. There is nothing you can do - she may kill herself this time, or she may not. Please keep putting your daughters first, which means cutting your ties with her. She is not safe for them to be around.

atalose

You took the healthiest action you possible could of for yourself and your kids. And in that process you built yourself a new strong boundary.

Hopefully they will find quickly and get her the professional help she needs.


((hugs))

hopeful4

I agree, you are doing everything you can. You cannot expose your children to this type of behavior, they must come first.

Big hugs.

TJD912

I agree with those who said that essentially, nothing has changed and it has only gotten more detrimental to you, the kids, and her. You can do nothing to help her, but you can help yourself and your kids. Do what you need to, to begin the creation of a healthy life.