dating an alcoholic need perspective
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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dating an alcoholic need perspective
I started dating this 33 year old guy about 5 months ago. We had a rough beginning. He would call me later in the evening and it started becoming a ritual. He was often drunk when I would see him but I thought he just liked to go out on occasion. He would seem distant the next day after seeing me and I wouldn’t hear from him much until the evenings. My initial thought was he was just looking for a casual hookup not a girlfriend. Over time though, we began seeing each other more and spending time together, After 2 months I felt like I wanted more of a relationship. I asked him and he said no. He didn’t want a girlfriend but wasn’t only about hookups.
We stopped talking for a while but eventually we ended up back together. He seemed more committed this time. We were getting to know each other more. He can’t drive due to a DUI so one night I picked him up from a friend’s get together. He had been drinking and wanted to hang out. We went downtown and had drinks and talked. We had a really good time. He was opening up a lot. The next day I took him home and then I didn’t hear from him for 4 days! This was upsetting but he finally called and I came running to his side. I met him at the bar and I had a drink then we went back to my house. The next morning we made plans for him to cook steak for dinner that night. I dropped him off at home and after I went to the store I picked him up from a friends, he was buzzed. We started making the steak dinner and that’s when it finally made sense that he has a problem because he took 5 vodka shots in 30-45 min. and as I said he had already been drinking. I asked him to stop drinking the shots in a nice way. He was hammered though. He could barely finish cooking and he was totally out of it, then one of His friend called. He asked him to come out to the bar. He tried to convince me to go downtown with him to meet the friend. I told him he was too drunk to go out and we had already planned this time together. He agreed with me. Shortly after that he stumbled to the room and went to bed. Since that incident he had become more comfortable with me being around him while he is drinking. There have been days where he would wake up in the afternoon and start drinking until the evening,he would make us dinner then pass out in bed. we would spend 4-5 days in a row together and he was always drinking but I ignored it. We established that we weren’t going to see other people, he was opening up about himself, he was telling me how much he liked me and he was introducing me to people as his girl. He also started bringing me around more of his friends. They seemed impressed with me as a person inside and out but they would ask me why I would be with him.
One night I met him and his close friend out at his favorite bar. his friend was Fine but he was not, he was really messed up. We had to leave the bar shortly after I came because he kept almost falling over. I drove him home. His friend came with us to help me get him in the house. When we got into the house He fell over on the coffee table then just laid on the floor. His friend finally helped him up and then gave him a lecture about how good I was and that he was ruining it and he told him he needed to get his life in order because any guy would kill to be with me. It was awkward. His friend went home and I took care of him that night. We kept spending time together.
This brings me to the most recent incident. 2 weeks ago he got mad at me for coming over his house unannounced. The reason I came over there was because he got mad at me over the phone that night for something (long story) and I wanted to discuss it before he became very upset. I knew if I called to talk to him about it he wouldn’t answer because when he gets upset he will ignore me and he refuses to discuss his feelings. He gave me a huge lecture about why it wasn’t ok for me to come over unannounced but he wanted me to stay the night still because it was late. So I did. I dropped him off at work the next day and then sent him an apology text but he never responded and I didn’t hear from him for a week. He finally called,drunk, he seemed very excited he said he was so mad at me that whole week but he needed my advice on him getting a dog. I’m a vet tech. He sent me a picture of the dog. After chatting for a while about it I came over his house to talk more but he never wants to talk about his feelings so we never discussed it. I just let it go because I missed him. He had been drinking that night but he told me it was his first drink in a week. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him since he drinks daily but I told him it was good that he stopped drinking for a week. I spent the night and then I dropped him off at work the next morning but before he got out of the car I said “can you not ignore me for a week again?” He looked at me for a minute with a nasty face and said “I guess so.” He didn’t call me until the next night at 2:30 am wanting me to pick him up from his friends and go back to his house. I couldn’t tell if he was drunk. I always jump up and do what he asks when it comes to picking him up or being there for him but this time I didn’t offer, he seemed kinda shocked. That next evening I called him around 9pm he didn’t answer, this really upset me. He never called me back either So I waited until the next morning and I called him. He answered. he was mad that I woke him up early and said he didn’t want to talk right then. I told him I needed to see him to talk. I was going to discuss how I don’t like the way he treats me at times but he was really crabby and upset and hung up on me. So around 4 pm I text him everything I wanted to say about how he treats me. About how I am always there for him and he treats me like an option.
He didn’t respond but he called me, drunk, that night. I asked him what he wanted and I asked him if he got my text. he responded yes, I got your novel. I told him that was rude. He got upset that I called him rude. I told him to tell me how he feels, now, to just say what he wanted about the text. I told him I wanted to know how he feels. He wouldn’t speak. I asked him if I could come over so we could talk in person and he said yes. I got dressed, it took me about 30 min before I got over there. I went up to the door and noticed his blinds were open so I could easily see in his apartment. The living room light was also on. He was passed out on his couch with his phone on his chest and the phone was dead. He was very still but breathing. I knocked,I called, I rang the bell he didn’t move at all. I thought, is he really that drunk or is he faking. I am guessing he was just so drunk he couldn’t hear anything. I of course was so upset I cried all the way home. I sent him a text saying how could he be so mean, to ask me to come over there to talk and then not answer the door. I told him I was tired of him breaking my heart. He has not responded that was 2 days ago.
I know that this is a toxic relationship but it is hard for me to let him go. I need perspective because even though this all sounds bad I want to call him and be with him because I care about him so much and I know he has a drinking problem and I don’t want him to be sad or not have anyone.
We stopped talking for a while but eventually we ended up back together. He seemed more committed this time. We were getting to know each other more. He can’t drive due to a DUI so one night I picked him up from a friend’s get together. He had been drinking and wanted to hang out. We went downtown and had drinks and talked. We had a really good time. He was opening up a lot. The next day I took him home and then I didn’t hear from him for 4 days! This was upsetting but he finally called and I came running to his side. I met him at the bar and I had a drink then we went back to my house. The next morning we made plans for him to cook steak for dinner that night. I dropped him off at home and after I went to the store I picked him up from a friends, he was buzzed. We started making the steak dinner and that’s when it finally made sense that he has a problem because he took 5 vodka shots in 30-45 min. and as I said he had already been drinking. I asked him to stop drinking the shots in a nice way. He was hammered though. He could barely finish cooking and he was totally out of it, then one of His friend called. He asked him to come out to the bar. He tried to convince me to go downtown with him to meet the friend. I told him he was too drunk to go out and we had already planned this time together. He agreed with me. Shortly after that he stumbled to the room and went to bed. Since that incident he had become more comfortable with me being around him while he is drinking. There have been days where he would wake up in the afternoon and start drinking until the evening,he would make us dinner then pass out in bed. we would spend 4-5 days in a row together and he was always drinking but I ignored it. We established that we weren’t going to see other people, he was opening up about himself, he was telling me how much he liked me and he was introducing me to people as his girl. He also started bringing me around more of his friends. They seemed impressed with me as a person inside and out but they would ask me why I would be with him.
One night I met him and his close friend out at his favorite bar. his friend was Fine but he was not, he was really messed up. We had to leave the bar shortly after I came because he kept almost falling over. I drove him home. His friend came with us to help me get him in the house. When we got into the house He fell over on the coffee table then just laid on the floor. His friend finally helped him up and then gave him a lecture about how good I was and that he was ruining it and he told him he needed to get his life in order because any guy would kill to be with me. It was awkward. His friend went home and I took care of him that night. We kept spending time together.
This brings me to the most recent incident. 2 weeks ago he got mad at me for coming over his house unannounced. The reason I came over there was because he got mad at me over the phone that night for something (long story) and I wanted to discuss it before he became very upset. I knew if I called to talk to him about it he wouldn’t answer because when he gets upset he will ignore me and he refuses to discuss his feelings. He gave me a huge lecture about why it wasn’t ok for me to come over unannounced but he wanted me to stay the night still because it was late. So I did. I dropped him off at work the next day and then sent him an apology text but he never responded and I didn’t hear from him for a week. He finally called,drunk, he seemed very excited he said he was so mad at me that whole week but he needed my advice on him getting a dog. I’m a vet tech. He sent me a picture of the dog. After chatting for a while about it I came over his house to talk more but he never wants to talk about his feelings so we never discussed it. I just let it go because I missed him. He had been drinking that night but he told me it was his first drink in a week. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him since he drinks daily but I told him it was good that he stopped drinking for a week. I spent the night and then I dropped him off at work the next morning but before he got out of the car I said “can you not ignore me for a week again?” He looked at me for a minute with a nasty face and said “I guess so.” He didn’t call me until the next night at 2:30 am wanting me to pick him up from his friends and go back to his house. I couldn’t tell if he was drunk. I always jump up and do what he asks when it comes to picking him up or being there for him but this time I didn’t offer, he seemed kinda shocked. That next evening I called him around 9pm he didn’t answer, this really upset me. He never called me back either So I waited until the next morning and I called him. He answered. he was mad that I woke him up early and said he didn’t want to talk right then. I told him I needed to see him to talk. I was going to discuss how I don’t like the way he treats me at times but he was really crabby and upset and hung up on me. So around 4 pm I text him everything I wanted to say about how he treats me. About how I am always there for him and he treats me like an option.
He didn’t respond but he called me, drunk, that night. I asked him what he wanted and I asked him if he got my text. he responded yes, I got your novel. I told him that was rude. He got upset that I called him rude. I told him to tell me how he feels, now, to just say what he wanted about the text. I told him I wanted to know how he feels. He wouldn’t speak. I asked him if I could come over so we could talk in person and he said yes. I got dressed, it took me about 30 min before I got over there. I went up to the door and noticed his blinds were open so I could easily see in his apartment. The living room light was also on. He was passed out on his couch with his phone on his chest and the phone was dead. He was very still but breathing. I knocked,I called, I rang the bell he didn’t move at all. I thought, is he really that drunk or is he faking. I am guessing he was just so drunk he couldn’t hear anything. I of course was so upset I cried all the way home. I sent him a text saying how could he be so mean, to ask me to come over there to talk and then not answer the door. I told him I was tired of him breaking my heart. He has not responded that was 2 days ago.
I know that this is a toxic relationship but it is hard for me to let him go. I need perspective because even though this all sounds bad I want to call him and be with him because I care about him so much and I know he has a drinking problem and I don’t want him to be sad or not have anyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, LVT.
Welcome to SR.
Let me begin by saying that I believe your bf has a problem with alcohol.
Let me go on to say that he is not being very nice to you.
And you are taking it.
You have been seeing him for 5 months.
He calls you when he wants sex.
Or a ride.
Who calls someone at 2:30 am for a ride?
I think you know that this relationship is all give on your part and all take on his.
Let him be as sad as he wants. This is not your problem
Drop him like a box of rocks.
Believe me, you can do better.
Welcome to SR.
Let me begin by saying that I believe your bf has a problem with alcohol.
Let me go on to say that he is not being very nice to you.
And you are taking it.
You have been seeing him for 5 months.
He calls you when he wants sex.
Or a ride.
Who calls someone at 2:30 am for a ride?
I think you know that this relationship is all give on your part and all take on his.
Let him be as sad as he wants. This is not your problem
Drop him like a box of rocks.
Believe me, you can do better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 8
Well I don’t know if he wanted a ride I just meant I would have to pick him up because he doesn’t have a car and he didn’t ask me to pick him up but I usually would offer or I would meet him at his house and he would take an Uber. Im not making an excuse but he has done stuff for me too. I don’t want to make it seem like he’s not sweet to me and hasn’t done stuff for me because he has done a lot for me but yes I agree I give a lot in this relationship.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
“About how I am always there for him and he treats me like an option.“
This.
Drinking problem or not, he’s treating you like crap. Don’t let his alcoholism become a Get Out of Jail Card that distracts you from that reality. You are way invested in him and he doesn’t really care about you.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You’re a good person who’s gotten mixed up with a not-good person. His drinking is pretty much incidental.
Please drop him and get on with your life. Only more hurt and chaos waits down that path.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. I really hope he didn’t get a dog.
This.
Drinking problem or not, he’s treating you like crap. Don’t let his alcoholism become a Get Out of Jail Card that distracts you from that reality. You are way invested in him and he doesn’t really care about you.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You’re a good person who’s gotten mixed up with a not-good person. His drinking is pretty much incidental.
Please drop him and get on with your life. Only more hurt and chaos waits down that path.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. I really hope he didn’t get a dog.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 8
Ariesagain the dog comment made me laugh but I hope as well that he didn’t get the dog.
Even though what you said hurts I believe that you are right. I think he tried to act like he cared for a while he was being amazing very attentive and actually seemed to care but I don’t think he does. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I’m glad I posted this though because I need to see other people’s perception.
Thank you, hugs back.
Even though what you said hurts I believe that you are right. I think he tried to act like he cared for a while he was being amazing very attentive and actually seemed to care but I don’t think he does. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I’m glad I posted this though because I need to see other people’s perception.
Thank you, hugs back.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
There is nothing wrong with you...there is plenty amiss with him and none of it is anything you can fix. He’s already in a committed relationship...with alcohol.
Please read some of the other threads here and you’ll see how very typical this is...the initial superficial charm, the hot and cold, the fades...it’s one very toxic dance and even good, smart people can get sucked in very quickly.
Change the track, turn your face into the sun and walk on. Better things lie ahead.
Please read some of the other threads here and you’ll see how very typical this is...the initial superficial charm, the hot and cold, the fades...it’s one very toxic dance and even good, smart people can get sucked in very quickly.
Change the track, turn your face into the sun and walk on. Better things lie ahead.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
LVT, this guy has a LOT of problems not the least of which is he drinks way too much. He treats you badly, he takes advantage of you.
How the relationship is now is likely the best it will be. Read around this forum and you'll see the odds are excellent it'll get much worse. Please, spare yourself a lot of misery and drop him.
How the relationship is now is likely the best it will be. Read around this forum and you'll see the odds are excellent it'll get much worse. Please, spare yourself a lot of misery and drop him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LVT......here is a li nk to our l ibrary of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on loved ones.....I hope that you will take the time to read them.....There is sooo much to know....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You admit that he makes you feel like something is wrong with you.
That says it all.
You should not ever be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Ever.
A relationship...partnership should add quality to your life and bring out the best in you.....
You are better than this. Don't accept less than you deserve....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
You admit that he makes you feel like something is wrong with you.
That says it all.
You should not ever be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Ever.
A relationship...partnership should add quality to your life and bring out the best in you.....
You are better than this. Don't accept less than you deserve....
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
My husband and I have been married for 31 years and nothing has changed for the better... he has relapsed again, denies any problem, makes no apologies, does the whole "come closer... go away" dance of convoluted actions and words... and I'm so very thankful for living in a different city than him for the past 1 1/2 years. I'm not currently in contact with him, as I need to preserve my own sanity.
That you are seeing the imbalance in your life now is a gift.Use it to qualify what you really want in a relationship.
I would suggest checking out some of your local Alanon groups, even if you never see this boyfriend again. It's a great way to get emotionally healthy after having been in the vicinity of alcoholism. ((((Hugs))))
That you are seeing the imbalance in your life now is a gift.Use it to qualify what you really want in a relationship.
I would suggest checking out some of your local Alanon groups, even if you never see this boyfriend again. It's a great way to get emotionally healthy after having been in the vicinity of alcoholism. ((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
I must be honest I didn't read further than rough 5 months and your title stating he is an active alcoholic.
How was it dating when he is drunk all the time. More like in his company and in contact with him while he was drunk or getting drunk with the hopes of getting to know him better? You don't know who he is better than when you first met.
Technically You didn't date - no loss - run!
I hope you are getting my tone of humor as well although I'm serious about the above.
And I hope you find a solution that works for you with yourself in mind.
How was it dating when he is drunk all the time. More like in his company and in contact with him while he was drunk or getting drunk with the hopes of getting to know him better? You don't know who he is better than when you first met.
Technically You didn't date - no loss - run!
I hope you are getting my tone of humor as well although I'm serious about the above.
And I hope you find a solution that works for you with yourself in mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 145
No. Get out now while you can. You mentioned age right away (his). Can I assume you're younger than him? This will not get better, plus the fact you are trying to have conversations while he is drinking/drunk/hung over. I was looking for a time in any of this when he was sober and couldn't find one.
Alcohol is his first priority. Alcohol is his "girlfriend", and you will never be able to compete with that. You deserve better.
Alcohol is his first priority. Alcohol is his "girlfriend", and you will never be able to compete with that. You deserve better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by KES06 
No. Get out now while you can. You mentioned age right away (his). Can I assume you're younger than him? This will not get better, plus the fact you are trying to have conversations while he is drinking/drunk/hung over. I was looking for a time in any of this when he was sober and couldn't find one.
Alcohol is his first priority. Alcohol is his "girlfriend", and you will never be able to compete with that. You deserve better.
Alcohol is his first priority. Alcohol is his "girlfriend", and you will never be able to compete with that. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by LVT777
I know that this is a toxic relationship but it is hard for me to let him go. I need perspective because even though this all sounds bad I want to call him and be with him because I care about him so much and I know he has a drinking problem and I don’t want him to be sad or not have anyone.
do you think youre powerful enough to make someone happy? is it really youre responsibility to make someone not feel alone?
what about all the other alkies just like him- ya gonna run out and do the same for them?
it doesnt read like this alkie wants a relationship as much as a nurse/mother.
i can care about someone without trying to fix em.
so 2 choices, and this comin from the practicing alkie me:
stick around! keep enabling him! keep helping him dig his grave! as ya dig his grave youll be diggin your own,too because he's gonna drag ya down with him( look how far he has in 5 months)!!!
or
toss his ass to the curb. THAT was the best move every single woman i was in a relationship with made- FOR THEMSELVES.
the trip down was not a pleasant one- lots of gloom,dispair, and agony for all around me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by LVT777
I know that this is a toxic relationship but it is hard for me to let him go. I need perspective because even though this all sounds bad I want to call him and be with him because I care about him so much and I know he has a drinking problem and I don’t want him to be sad or not have anyone.
I know that this is a toxic relationship but it is hard for me to let him go. I need perspective because even though this all sounds bad I want to call him and be with him because I care about him so much and I know he has a drinking problem and I don’t want him to be sad or not have anyone.
But your ABF is NOT helpless. He may seem that way, but he is a human and has the means to seek out help in the form of detox, AA, rehab, therapy, and so on. The fact that he does not do so is NOT proof that he's helpless and thus needs YOU to take care of him. It is only proof that he's just not interested in recovery at this point. And as others have already said, there is no point in trying to compete for his affections w/his addiction.
Take your tender heart and your gift of healing and turn it towards those who can appreciate it.
And let me take the opportunity to thank you and all the other animal caregivers who've helped me w/all my canine friends over the years. Bless you, one and all, for your kindness and patience and love of all living things.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry, but I'm struggling to figure out why you've dragged this out for 5 months. The guy is downright unpleasant and not showing any signs of changing or wanting to change.
Why is it that you don't think you deserve better?
My suggestion would be to dodge this bullet. RUN! Run like the wind. Block him. Stay away from any 'mutual friends' who might like to stir the pot. If you want to spend time helping someone why not just volunteer some place where at least it will be (a) safe and (b) appreciated.
BB
Why is it that you don't think you deserve better?
My suggestion would be to dodge this bullet. RUN! Run like the wind. Block him. Stay away from any 'mutual friends' who might like to stir the pot. If you want to spend time helping someone why not just volunteer some place where at least it will be (a) safe and (b) appreciated.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am guessing he was just so drunk he couldn’t hear anything.
You have had a dating experience of 5 months with someone not even capable of real feeling so what exactly are you trying to hold onto?
When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm not sure how much clearer this guy could have been regarding his relationship with alcohol.....he did everything but hold up a sign.
HIS drinking problem was there long before you.
HIS drinking problem is not YOUR problem to fix, solve, soothe, or make better.
HIS drinking problem DOES create a problem for YOU.
you need to look deep inside and ask yourself WHY this travesty of a "relationship" is something you hold on to when you get virtually nothing positive out of it. it seems the lousier he treats you the harder you dig in and hold on. it's the classic Come Here, Go Away.
there is nothing there to be had. you're chasing a drunk around trying to make sense of insanity.
HIS drinking problem was there long before you.
HIS drinking problem is not YOUR problem to fix, solve, soothe, or make better.
HIS drinking problem DOES create a problem for YOU.
you need to look deep inside and ask yourself WHY this travesty of a "relationship" is something you hold on to when you get virtually nothing positive out of it. it seems the lousier he treats you the harder you dig in and hold on. it's the classic Come Here, Go Away.
there is nothing there to be had. you're chasing a drunk around trying to make sense of insanity.
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