Boundaries? Apparently not!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
Boundaries? Apparently not!
Well this is an upsetting situation. My exabf has decided (mind you after acting like he was dying for the last 3 weeks) to accept a position within miles of were I live. I relocated to create distance from him, he knows this. No this isn’t some once in a lifetime type of job it’s a considerable step down from his current job which he is miserable at. I expressed my concerns and made it clear this wasn’t welcomed yet I’m sitting here furious at the very thought of him living here. Why have I allowed this to take such a hold on me?
Mostly he makes it seem like I’m being unreasonable.... which only infuriated me more.
Mostly he makes it seem like I’m being unreasonable.... which only infuriated me more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You're probably not going to change his mind.
I make clean breaks with exes. It's so much easier. Do you have kids together? If not, I would just block him and the horse he rode in on - and not engage. That is a boundary.
Making rulings about where he works and lives is his side of the street.
I make clean breaks with exes. It's so much easier. Do you have kids together? If not, I would just block him and the horse he rode in on - and not engage. That is a boundary.
Making rulings about where he works and lives is his side of the street.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, BSL, but the fact of the matter is, he has every right to take whatever job he wants to, in whatever town he likes, and your boundaries don't have to enter into his decision at all.
Boundaries are not rules for other people's behavior. They are guidelines for what YOU will do in situations that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Boundaries are not rules for other people's behavior. They are guidelines for what YOU will do in situations that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My exah moved 10 minutes walk from me after a failed rehab attempt and his wish to have more contact with his sons. In the two years he's lived here he has only seen the boys maybe 4 times. I've only seen him once. He's too interested in drinking to make contact, my boys have since blocked him anyway, and even tho we live in a small town I never see him. I was initially furious he's invaded my place...my heart home ...and where I've wanted to live since a small child but it's actually OK. It might not be so bad if you don't engage. He might decide not to move if you are serious you do not want any contact.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Alcoholics don’t want responsibility or to be accountable so him taking a considerable step down in jobs is not surprising.
What is surprising is that you remain in contact with him despite the past history of violence, drugs and drinking.
Just like you could not control his drinking you cannot control where he choices to work or live.
Build healthier and stronger boundaries for yourself and stick to them.
No contact = no new hurts.
What is surprising is that you remain in contact with him despite the past history of violence, drugs and drinking.
Just like you could not control his drinking you cannot control where he choices to work or live.
Build healthier and stronger boundaries for yourself and stick to them.
No contact = no new hurts.
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