Not sure what to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Not sure what to do?
One of my son's has made good friends with people in the church we both go to. He goes to a house group with some of them and last night the theme was what makes a good parent? He came home and told me he talked extensively about his alcoholic dad and me!
I am a private person but I appreciated he wanted to offload but the things he said were not the whole truth, especially what he said about me. He made it sound like I had dumped him when he lived with exah for 8 months but the truth was he wanted to stay with him and he was too old for me to force him to go with me. He came to live me within 3 weeks once he realised what he got himself into, which was the time it took for me to get a big enough place for him and his twin. He told the assembled throng last night he had hated me ( but doesn't anymore) and would not have gone to my funeral if I'd died.
I do not trust these people to keep quiet about his revelations about my exah , our marriage as my son saw it, or what my son thought about me or the fact he missed out the whole point of it which was one of his older siblings fuelled the fire against me and lied to him. I feel like I have been put in a posititon of having to defend myself to them or pretend I don't know what he said.
I keep myself to myself...few know the truth of my past life with my exah but my son is a talker. His talking is forcing me to decide if I need to change how I am myself with people we both interact with. I can't ask him to be quiet but the more he talks the sooner people are going to start asking me. Urgh.
I am a private person but I appreciated he wanted to offload but the things he said were not the whole truth, especially what he said about me. He made it sound like I had dumped him when he lived with exah for 8 months but the truth was he wanted to stay with him and he was too old for me to force him to go with me. He came to live me within 3 weeks once he realised what he got himself into, which was the time it took for me to get a big enough place for him and his twin. He told the assembled throng last night he had hated me ( but doesn't anymore) and would not have gone to my funeral if I'd died.
I do not trust these people to keep quiet about his revelations about my exah , our marriage as my son saw it, or what my son thought about me or the fact he missed out the whole point of it which was one of his older siblings fuelled the fire against me and lied to him. I feel like I have been put in a posititon of having to defend myself to them or pretend I don't know what he said.
I keep myself to myself...few know the truth of my past life with my exah but my son is a talker. His talking is forcing me to decide if I need to change how I am myself with people we both interact with. I can't ask him to be quiet but the more he talks the sooner people are going to start asking me. Urgh.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Do you really think people will start asking you? I definitely would not.
I guess my question is do you think your son is just lying to lie, or is that his reality of the time?
I ask that b/c my daughter and I sometimes go to therapy together. One of the things the counselor has had to teach me is that even if that is not actually what was happening in her past, that is her perception of it, her reality of it, how she feels. There have been some things that I have felt the need to clear up with her b/c what I thought I was protecting her from actually just made her jump to incorrect conclusions. Some I let go b/c it does not matter now.
You don't have to answer these, just more questions for yourself. Maybe it's time to sit down w/your son and see what's going on in his head.
Big hugs.
I guess my question is do you think your son is just lying to lie, or is that his reality of the time?
I ask that b/c my daughter and I sometimes go to therapy together. One of the things the counselor has had to teach me is that even if that is not actually what was happening in her past, that is her perception of it, her reality of it, how she feels. There have been some things that I have felt the need to clear up with her b/c what I thought I was protecting her from actually just made her jump to incorrect conclusions. Some I let go b/c it does not matter now.
You don't have to answer these, just more questions for yourself. Maybe it's time to sit down w/your son and see what's going on in his head.
Big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I think they probably will. It's that kind of church lol
I guess my question is do you think your son is just lying to lie, or is that his reality of the time?
It's how he thought it was. He got lied to by exah and by his sister and he believed them for a time. The problem I have is he doesn't want to discuss the reality. I get so far with trying to explain things to him and he'll said yeah I know that now and why are we talking about this? Then he will say he's got to be neutral cos he doesn't want to fall out with his sister. However I think she is still feeding him lies. He is in regular contact with her despite the fact she lives 400 miles away and he admitted last night it was her who'd said I dumped him when it was actually her who'd stood in the kitchen and told me if I took him she'd make sure he never saw her or the rest of his siblings again. They were so close I couldn't do it to him. He now believes I didn't have much option. He was 16 and adamant he wanted to stay with exah and his older brother.
I said to him last night "You do know I love you don't you?" and he said yes he knew that and he loves me too.
I guess my question is do you think your son is just lying to lie, or is that his reality of the time?
It's how he thought it was. He got lied to by exah and by his sister and he believed them for a time. The problem I have is he doesn't want to discuss the reality. I get so far with trying to explain things to him and he'll said yeah I know that now and why are we talking about this? Then he will say he's got to be neutral cos he doesn't want to fall out with his sister. However I think she is still feeding him lies. He is in regular contact with her despite the fact she lives 400 miles away and he admitted last night it was her who'd said I dumped him when it was actually her who'd stood in the kitchen and told me if I took him she'd make sure he never saw her or the rest of his siblings again. They were so close I couldn't do it to him. He now believes I didn't have much option. He was 16 and adamant he wanted to stay with exah and his older brother.
I said to him last night "You do know I love you don't you?" and he said yes he knew that and he loves me too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Ladybird.
Memories are odd things, aren’t they. We remember how things happened, while others have a different recollection.
Makes me wonder.
It sounds like, aside from your son’s different recollection of past events, that you struggling with the fact that he put your private business out there. In a group with which you have contact.
I don’t really have any advice on that, save that, ime, people aren’t, at the end of the day, all that interested and that it will slide from the group’s consciousness in a short time.
Good luck.
Memories are odd things, aren’t they. We remember how things happened, while others have a different recollection.
Makes me wonder.
It sounds like, aside from your son’s different recollection of past events, that you struggling with the fact that he put your private business out there. In a group with which you have contact.
I don’t really have any advice on that, save that, ime, people aren’t, at the end of the day, all that interested and that it will slide from the group’s consciousness in a short time.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Maybe just a blanket statement like "What you have heard may not be 100%accurate, but I have chosen to leave it in the past."
I am heavily involved in our church which my XAH still attends as well. People have tried to ask me what happened, but I have chosen not to talk about it and people leave it at that. I just say it did not work out and we have moved on. People can take a hint, really.
I am heavily involved in our church which my XAH still attends as well. People have tried to ask me what happened, but I have chosen not to talk about it and people leave it at that. I just say it did not work out and we have moved on. People can take a hint, really.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Hi Ladybird,
First of all, I am sending you a big hug and hope that I can help you feel a little better, based on my very similar experience.
First of all, I suggest that you hold tight and do nothing.
When my oldest son was attending a large, private Christian High School, he shared some very sad, but MOSTLY true details about our family life at a school ASSEMBLY!!! (He embellished his story.)
Initially I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to clear up my part of the "story".
My Alanon sponsor (RIP), asked me how I thought I would know who to contact? Which parents? She also said:
"What others thought of me was none of my business."
And that.....
My HP (God) knew the truth - and that's what mattered.
I followed her advice.
The school VP/Counselor contacted me. I told him our story (my version) and referred him to our family counselor. He followed up and was assured that things were being properly taken care of.
No parents treated me differently or asked questions.
I held my head high, and continued doing the best I could for my family and myself.
Good luck to you - with your decision as to what to do!
First of all, I am sending you a big hug and hope that I can help you feel a little better, based on my very similar experience.
First of all, I suggest that you hold tight and do nothing.
When my oldest son was attending a large, private Christian High School, he shared some very sad, but MOSTLY true details about our family life at a school ASSEMBLY!!! (He embellished his story.)
Initially I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to clear up my part of the "story".
My Alanon sponsor (RIP), asked me how I thought I would know who to contact? Which parents? She also said:
"What others thought of me was none of my business."
And that.....
My HP (God) knew the truth - and that's what mattered.
I followed her advice.
The school VP/Counselor contacted me. I told him our story (my version) and referred him to our family counselor. He followed up and was assured that things were being properly taken care of.
No parents treated me differently or asked questions.
I held my head high, and continued doing the best I could for my family and myself.
Good luck to you - with your decision as to what to do!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I have always liked “what other people think of me is none of my business.”
People are going to think what they are going to think.
Some will judge, some will be open minded and recognize that it takes all kinds of people to make a world.
Peace.
People are going to think what they are going to think.
Some will judge, some will be open minded and recognize that it takes all kinds of people to make a world.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
I am sensing you are someone who internalizes emotions and reactions.
Maybe use this opportunity to open up and discuss things with your son. Do something uncomfortable but necessary. With a professional addiction or family therapist or similar. NOT by yourself. Don't stuff it away and hope for the best. He is showing you signs - read them.
He is using some strong terms like he hates you and wouldn't go to your funeral - to strangers! - but its glanced over with hes okay now.
I think this is a mistake. I feel that perhaps you have resolved some matters you with your ex and feel he should be on the same page but he was a child and needs to process growing up in an addiction household. Even if you tried your best - he feels what he feels. A child's perspective of totally different to an adults especially in a dysfunctional setting .
Even if he was being dramatic as hoped - use this as a gateway (read:excuse) to work on the past together with your son. It can only be positive outcome!
If he refuses then he can't keep blaming you for history. But at least you did your part and go on with your life.
About the church - if it really bother you - say something. Tell them enough that can understand from your point and that you are sorry your son feel that way. Then move on.
You can't keep tabs on what or who you son or anyone says about you. You can't keep trying to change peoples minds either its exhausting and next time there will be something else.
Main message being you and your son have communication problems about the past and it ended up with him discussing it with the group.
I am sensing you are someone who internalizes emotions and reactions.
Maybe use this opportunity to open up and discuss things with your son. Do something uncomfortable but necessary. With a professional addiction or family therapist or similar. NOT by yourself. Don't stuff it away and hope for the best. He is showing you signs - read them.
He is using some strong terms like he hates you and wouldn't go to your funeral - to strangers! - but its glanced over with hes okay now.
I think this is a mistake. I feel that perhaps you have resolved some matters you with your ex and feel he should be on the same page but he was a child and needs to process growing up in an addiction household. Even if you tried your best - he feels what he feels. A child's perspective of totally different to an adults especially in a dysfunctional setting .
Even if he was being dramatic as hoped - use this as a gateway (read:excuse) to work on the past together with your son. It can only be positive outcome!
If he refuses then he can't keep blaming you for history. But at least you did your part and go on with your life.
About the church - if it really bother you - say something. Tell them enough that can understand from your point and that you are sorry your son feel that way. Then move on.
You can't keep tabs on what or who you son or anyone says about you. You can't keep trying to change peoples minds either its exhausting and next time there will be something else.
Main message being you and your son have communication problems about the past and it ended up with him discussing it with the group.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thanks for your replies. Firstly let me explain one thing. He doesn't hate me now. He was talking about a time for 5 months over 3 years ago when he felt like he did. He told me he can't even remember why now but his dad was "talking bs all the time." My main problem is he doesn't really want to talk to me about this. I've tried repeatedly but he just walks away saying he's neutral and it is true that to tell him the truth he'd have to face uncomfortable things and he may not be able to sit on the fence anymore which is what he wants to do. I've offered to get him therapy by himself, or family therapy or both and alanon but he refused all...repeatedly. I do not think he is on the same page as me with all of the issues ...nowhere near. Nor would I expect him to be. He was a kid as you say and this is his dad not like it is for me, which is an exah I would not pee on if they were on fire but he's nearly 19 now and I cannot force him to deal with the issues that come up. Nor could I before.
As for it sliding off the church group radar..it won't. These people are his friends. They love him. He showed me a text he got today and I can see they want him opening up more and they have vowed to support him so it will continue. I do internalise stuff...I've noone I particulary trust ( certainly not the people he's divulging things too cos like I said they are his friends not mine). Nor do I think they would understand. People who have no concept of alcholism do not get it.
I think the end result of this will be me moving churches if people push for chats or discussion . Am not at a stage of wanting to chat or discuss with anyone there any of the issues he is raising and will continue to raise judging by what he said tonight. I also realised today I don't actually care what they think of me. Most of this comes down to stuff about his dad anyway. If it helps him I can suck up what they may or may not think of me.
As for it sliding off the church group radar..it won't. These people are his friends. They love him. He showed me a text he got today and I can see they want him opening up more and they have vowed to support him so it will continue. I do internalise stuff...I've noone I particulary trust ( certainly not the people he's divulging things too cos like I said they are his friends not mine). Nor do I think they would understand. People who have no concept of alcholism do not get it.
I think the end result of this will be me moving churches if people push for chats or discussion . Am not at a stage of wanting to chat or discuss with anyone there any of the issues he is raising and will continue to raise judging by what he said tonight. I also realised today I don't actually care what they think of me. Most of this comes down to stuff about his dad anyway. If it helps him I can suck up what they may or may not think of me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by Ladybird
I also realised today I don't actually care what they think of me. Most of this comes down to stuff about his dad anyway. If it helps him I can suck up what they may or may not think of me.
Sighing here, (and sending you hugs);
I believe these thoughts are good for you, at this time, Ladybird.
Basically, this was my mind-set when my son told "his/our family's story" to what seemed at the time, The Whole World. (Referring to my first post to you in this thread.)
Besides that, in hindsight, I was too busy working, getting to my home Al-Alanon meeting and taking care of my family to worry about what others thought about me.
Your son and his outlook on your family situation sounds so similar to my son and our situation. Including the communication issues. Sadly, this IS A FAMILY DISEASE!
p.s. I did end up changing churches. Not because of what my son had said, but so that I could worship in peace, without my ExA sitting two rows behind me.....
A new church for you may eventually be a good move for you. Pray about it, and you will be given the wisdom to know what to do.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 10-20-2017 at 06:27 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are future tripping on stuff that hasn't come near to happening yet and projecting your own fears of exposure onto a group that your son is involved in. he could have NOT said one word to you about what he shared last nite and you'd be none the wiser.
he is allowed to share his experience as he saw it and felt i to whomever he chooses. you do not control that. he needs a place to talk stuff out, just like we all do here on SR or elsewhere. this isn't about YOU......it's about your SON and HIS experience, his interpretation of events, HIS reality.
he is allowed to share his experience as he saw it and felt i to whomever he chooses. you do not control that. he needs a place to talk stuff out, just like we all do here on SR or elsewhere. this isn't about YOU......it's about your SON and HIS experience, his interpretation of events, HIS reality.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I decided that anyone who knows me, and knows my XAH, could decipher the truth for themselves. If they know us both and cannot know I would not do some of the things he said I did, they are not my friends anyways. It just does not matter to me.
I think you have a good attitude about this, although I would say assuming you will need to move churches is pretty extreme. Is it a very small church? I still believe it's a big assumption to think they will say anything to you. Only time will tell.
You are a great momma, and he knows that now! That's what counts. People who manipulate normally show their true colors eventually, and those who are being manipulated see through that eventually too.
Big hugs.
I think you have a good attitude about this, although I would say assuming you will need to move churches is pretty extreme. Is it a very small church? I still believe it's a big assumption to think they will say anything to you. Only time will tell.
You are a great momma, and he knows that now! That's what counts. People who manipulate normally show their true colors eventually, and those who are being manipulated see through that eventually too.
Big hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you are future tripping on stuff that hasn't come near to happening yet and projecting your own fears of exposure onto a group that your son is involved in. he could have NOT said one word to you about what he shared last nite and you'd be none the wiser.
he is allowed to share his experience as he saw it and felt i to whomever he chooses. you do not control that. he needs a place to talk stuff out, just like we all do here on SR or elsewhere. this isn't about YOU......it's about your SON and HIS experience, his interpretation of events, HIS reality.
he is allowed to share his experience as he saw it and felt i to whomever he chooses. you do not control that. he needs a place to talk stuff out, just like we all do here on SR or elsewhere. this isn't about YOU......it's about your SON and HIS experience, his interpretation of events, HIS reality.
What I never explained is I work in this church ..it's not just a place I go on a Sunday. Some of the people he spoke to are my co workers in church. It has made things awkward. Not least cos I work with addicts some of the time and he has been dissing his dad in front of them to! Noone would like their co workers knowing the stuff he told them. I had to speak to a senior leader about it today as it had come ot her attention too ..am really upset. I did offer him counselling etc so he could have spoken to someone else but he refused it.
Like I said on my post above if it helps him I 'll suck it up but I do not have to like it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I think you have a good attitude about this, although I would say assuming you will need to move churches is pretty extreme. Is it a very small church? I still believe it's a big assumption to think they will say anything to you. Only time will tell.
Not a big assumption cos I knew they would and it already started as I said above. It's not even Sunday yet lol. It's quite small yes.
You are a great momma, and he knows that now! That's what counts. People who manipulate normally show their true colors eventually, and those who are being manipulated see through that eventually too.
I don't think I can ever do anything right tbh. I've been the whipping boy and scapegoat for my kids - especially the older 3 for 25 years. It's ust the way it is now.
Not a big assumption cos I knew they would and it already started as I said above. It's not even Sunday yet lol. It's quite small yes.
You are a great momma, and he knows that now! That's what counts. People who manipulate normally show their true colors eventually, and those who are being manipulated see through that eventually too.
I don't think I can ever do anything right tbh. I've been the whipping boy and scapegoat for my kids - especially the older 3 for 25 years. It's ust the way it is now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
That does change some things. I can only say that is hurtful, and that I am very sorry for the position this has put you in. I hope that you are able to hold your head high, and to explain to those you absolutely have to, and let the rest go.
Hugs friend.
Hugs friend.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if the "good people" of this church can't mind their own damn beeswax then i'd have to really wonder about this church. yes humans ARE human, but there are still certain principles that "should" apply in all cases.
how about this. so WHAT if "they" know. does it CHANGE the past? no. does it change YOU? no. don't feed into the gossip, don't hang your head in "shame". maybe this will actually allow you to be FREE of any shame or secrecy.
how about this. so WHAT if "they" know. does it CHANGE the past? no. does it change YOU? no. don't feed into the gossip, don't hang your head in "shame". maybe this will actually allow you to be FREE of any shame or secrecy.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes Lady!!! I completely get this. I finally feel like I am just "me." Not the wife of an alcoholic, or someone who has endured mental and physical abuse, but just, me. Keep liking you friend, and try not to blow it up into a huge deal. Hopefully keeping it low key will blow it over quickly.
PS....we like you too!!!!
PS....we like you too!!!!
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Thanks Hopeful. Am hoping it will blow over asap... This was the one place I was not defined as the ex wife of an alcoholic. I was just me. I like being just me. It took me years to find me again. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
I have removed hostile, accusative posts which are not allowed. Post only personal experience with the subject at hand. If you can not be supportive and positive then do not post.
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
This is kids talking to other kids, right?
I had a classmate whose parents were a bit unstable, or at least that's what she said. He dad was more or less out of the picture, her mom had remarried, and her stepdad had made passes at her. I told my Mom. I don't know if she did or said anything to anyone, but "Sheila" stayed in her mom and stepdad's home through graduation.
I believed her. I don't know if my Mom believed it or not. Actually Mom was a teacher and as such, was required to report suspected child abuse she uncovered in her role as such. She took that responsibility very seriously...along with the belief that she'd better have more than a bit of suspicion or gossip to upend family's home.
I understand intellectually, that people can remember the same incident in different ways. I would be frustrated beyond belief if someone was badgering me about things long past and insisting that his/her memory of a time in my life *must* be my version as well.
He's talking to his peers. Many of them may not even tell their parents everything about these meetings. The parents that DO hear may be thinking "There but for the grace of God go I." And many of them, like my parents, may hear lots of things...and make a decision that unless there is danger of abuse, people deserve their privacy.
I had a classmate whose parents were a bit unstable, or at least that's what she said. He dad was more or less out of the picture, her mom had remarried, and her stepdad had made passes at her. I told my Mom. I don't know if she did or said anything to anyone, but "Sheila" stayed in her mom and stepdad's home through graduation.
I believed her. I don't know if my Mom believed it or not. Actually Mom was a teacher and as such, was required to report suspected child abuse she uncovered in her role as such. She took that responsibility very seriously...along with the belief that she'd better have more than a bit of suspicion or gossip to upend family's home.
I understand intellectually, that people can remember the same incident in different ways. I would be frustrated beyond belief if someone was badgering me about things long past and insisting that his/her memory of a time in my life *must* be my version as well.
He's talking to his peers. Many of them may not even tell their parents everything about these meetings. The parents that DO hear may be thinking "There but for the grace of God go I." And many of them, like my parents, may hear lots of things...and make a decision that unless there is danger of abuse, people deserve their privacy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
