Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 20
Struggling
I feel panicky... running out of posts to read, but at a loss for words to create my own. I don't know if anything is changing for me. I still am constantly reflecting, checking my phone, emails, thinking about him and wondering what he's doing or thinking or who he's with or if he's moved on already, wondering if he took down all our pictures or what he did with the stuff I left behind, worrying if he safe or making better choices, wondering if he'll ever call... I have zero energy. Codependence is getting the best of me. I've read maybe writing a letter to them, that you actually never send, would be good, but I'm also afraid of sending it eventually... I am trying so hard for no contact, but I'm losing it. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
della......here is a link to a pleantiful supply of reading material about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
We have thousands of real life stories, here on the forum.....you will find your issue of being no contact in thousands of them.....
Also, you might start going to al anon, if you haven't, already....and, getting a counselor for yourself....
Make a list of all of the bad things that happened in the relationship...
write as many as you can think of.....and, read it every time you feel weak in the knees.......
Keep your phone out of sight......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
We have thousands of real life stories, here on the forum.....you will find your issue of being no contact in thousands of them.....
Also, you might start going to al anon, if you haven't, already....and, getting a counselor for yourself....
Make a list of all of the bad things that happened in the relationship...
write as many as you can think of.....and, read it every time you feel weak in the knees.......
Keep your phone out of sight......
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((((((Hugs)))))))
We're here for you. Many of us know these feelings all too well. You'll make it through this. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly... repeat several times, as needed.
You are strong, beautiful and resilient. You WILL be okay, no matter what your actions or thoughts are. This is a journey, not a destination or a race. Things do get much, much better.
It's okay and very NORMAL to be feeling these things. Chaos and trauma can be healed. It simply takes one day at a time... one moment at a time.
We're here for you. Many of us know these feelings all too well. You'll make it through this. Take a deep breath, let it out slowly... repeat several times, as needed.
You are strong, beautiful and resilient. You WILL be okay, no matter what your actions or thoughts are. This is a journey, not a destination or a race. Things do get much, much better.
It's okay and very NORMAL to be feeling these things. Chaos and trauma can be healed. It simply takes one day at a time... one moment at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
Della,
Been there! Recently. Will probably be back there soon. Check out the classic reading link above. Go to an al-anon meeting if you can. You are SO not alone in this struggle! You will get through it, one breath at at time and soon you will be breathing a little easier.
Been there! Recently. Will probably be back there soon. Check out the classic reading link above. Go to an al-anon meeting if you can. You are SO not alone in this struggle! You will get through it, one breath at at time and soon you will be breathing a little easier.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m sorry...it’s really hard.
But here’s the thing...if you do contact him there’s a 99.9% chance you’re going to get hurt worse, either immediately or after you get sucked back in for another round of relationship roulette.
Distract yourself. Take a long walk, call a friend and talk about something else, go to a bookstore or a museum or really, any place that doesn’t remind you of him. Doing something you always wanted to do but he would never go along with is a good one.
Hang tough.
Sending you a hug.
But here’s the thing...if you do contact him there’s a 99.9% chance you’re going to get hurt worse, either immediately or after you get sucked back in for another round of relationship roulette.
Distract yourself. Take a long walk, call a friend and talk about something else, go to a bookstore or a museum or really, any place that doesn’t remind you of him. Doing something you always wanted to do but he would never go along with is a good one.
Hang tough.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 20
Thanks everyone... I spent most of my day reading posts that you have suggested and reading on no contact benefits... I made it another day... I guess I don't know much about al-anon meetings or if they would be good for me? I know I need to look into counseling, but I'm already borrowing money from my family to restart my life and hate asking for every penny of it.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Alanon meetings are voluntary donations only. The usual suggested amount is $1 or $2. It's fine to not contribute or to make an occasional larger contribution.
If you attend 6-12 meetings you'll know if you're getting anything from it.
There is a person who volunteers to chair the meeting. He or she will read the opening. Other items may be read. When the meeting is opened for shares and discussion people take turns speaking, the others listen without direct comment or interrupting. If someone looks to you to speak and you don't want to, it's okay to say "pass".
It seemed strange to me at first, but I found it freeing to listen without needing to respond... and when I talked, my feelings and viewpoints were allowed to be just that... mine, with no judgement on them. I may hear opposing viewpoints and experiences, yet nothing to argue, change or fix.
I greatly appreciate having a safe in-person forum and Alanon provides that for me. There are many different meetings, all with a different feel to them.
If you have an issue with a friend or family members drinking, you'll probably hear something of benefit if you attend some Alanon meetings.
If you attend 6-12 meetings you'll know if you're getting anything from it.
There is a person who volunteers to chair the meeting. He or she will read the opening. Other items may be read. When the meeting is opened for shares and discussion people take turns speaking, the others listen without direct comment or interrupting. If someone looks to you to speak and you don't want to, it's okay to say "pass".
It seemed strange to me at first, but I found it freeing to listen without needing to respond... and when I talked, my feelings and viewpoints were allowed to be just that... mine, with no judgement on them. I may hear opposing viewpoints and experiences, yet nothing to argue, change or fix.
I greatly appreciate having a safe in-person forum and Alanon provides that for me. There are many different meetings, all with a different feel to them.
If you have an issue with a friend or family members drinking, you'll probably hear something of benefit if you attend some Alanon meetings.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Alanon info:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-al-anon.html (About Al-Anon)
https://al-anon.org
Two other pieces of info:
1) Alanon is for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. AA is for alcoholics. Sometimes there is confusion w/people thinking they are different names for the same organization. Both use the 12 Steps but are independent entities.
2) Some meetings may be marked "open" or "closed." "Open" means that anyone is welcome to come, regardless of whether he/she is the drinker, a family member, spouse or friend is the drinker, or he/she is just wondering; it also generally means that there will be a speaker or speakers and the group will listen, rather than the usual sharing type of format. "Closed" doesn't mean that new members are not allowed. It simply means that only those who have a problem w/their own drinking (AA) or with someone else's drinking (Alanon) should come to that particular meeting.
Hope you can take the time to check out the links. If you have any other questions, there are plenty of us here who can help you w/them. You likely also have a local Alanon Central Office you can call.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t-al-anon.html (About Al-Anon)
https://al-anon.org
Two other pieces of info:
1) Alanon is for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. AA is for alcoholics. Sometimes there is confusion w/people thinking they are different names for the same organization. Both use the 12 Steps but are independent entities.
2) Some meetings may be marked "open" or "closed." "Open" means that anyone is welcome to come, regardless of whether he/she is the drinker, a family member, spouse or friend is the drinker, or he/she is just wondering; it also generally means that there will be a speaker or speakers and the group will listen, rather than the usual sharing type of format. "Closed" doesn't mean that new members are not allowed. It simply means that only those who have a problem w/their own drinking (AA) or with someone else's drinking (Alanon) should come to that particular meeting.
Hope you can take the time to check out the links. If you have any other questions, there are plenty of us here who can help you w/them. You likely also have a local Alanon Central Office you can call.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by dellaND 
I feel panicky... running out of posts to read, but at a loss for words to create my own. I don't know if anything is changing for me. I still am constantly reflecting, checking my phone, emails, thinking about him and wondering what he's doing or thinking or who he's with or if he's moved on already, wondering if he took down all our pictures or what he did with the stuff I left behind, worrying if he safe or making better choices, wondering if he'll ever call... I have zero energy. Codependence is getting the best of me. I've read maybe writing a letter to them, that you actually never send, would be good, but I'm also afraid of sending it eventually... I am trying so hard for no contact, but I'm losing it.
Breathing Exercises are a MUST for me!
Take a walk or any kind of exercise
Yoga/meditation (if you can)
Turn up music to drown out your inner voices & dance until you're exhausted
Indulge in some junk-tv
Take a long hot bath with lavender Epsom salts & turn in early for the night
I used to love playing Fruit Ninja on my phone because I could get lost in a game 60-seconds-at-a-time
Give yourself permission to come back to thought later - no time for that now, but if I'm still anxious after x-y-z, I'll give it some mental time
Color Mandalas
Clean out a junk cabinet/closet
DIY projects of any kind from self-care pedicures to small crafts to rehabbing furniture
Call a friend & tell them you don't want to talk about yourself AT ALL - just THEIR lives
Clean out your medicine cabinet
Drink extra water, get extra rest, take your vitamins
Purposefully create POSITIVE self-talk & run THAT on a loop instead
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