Sasha1972

I'm posting in the hope of getting some encouragement. These last few days I've felt completely lacking in energy, mainly for tasks having to do with the alcoholic, but also in general (witness me here posting on an Internet forum rather than actually working).

Just talked to my lawyer. I won't bore people with the whole backstory, but: alcoholic ex, downward spiral including DUI, seeking sole custody of Kid as a result, went to arbitration, process went well and we came to a mediated agreement but award(the legal part) was botched by arbitrator. My lawyer is trying to un-botch it. He needs co-operation from ex's lawyer to change it on consent. Ex's lawyer is on radio silence. If there's nothing from ex's lawyer in a week, we will have to ask the arbitrator to rescind and reissue. If she won't do that, we'll have to go to court - the exact thing I was trying to avoid through arbitration.

I will also have to start preparing documents for child support, as ex hasn't contributed anything in a year. More time and money poured into this vast sucking abyss of having an alcoholic as the father of my child. I am imagining years and years of this crap stretching into the future.

Kid's counsellor just called me to say she is resigning, so Kid may be counsellor-less, which would suck. Kid is stressed (as who would not be?) by her father who keeps telling her that he loves her and she is very special but who won't sober up long enough to spend more than a supervised hour or two with her. Kid is also hitting the hormonal tides of puberty, which is lots of fun for the single parent.

I feel like I'm turning into a person who is not much fun to be around. I'm doing as much self-care as I can, exercise and yoga and paring things down to the essentials, but I still feel like I'm losing my personality. Apathetic and don't really want to talk to anyone, including my partner (long-term relationship but he works out of town except for weekends). I know this will pass and I'll get back up and into the fight, but right now, I'm just thinking of all the crap that I will have to do as long as ex is alive and around.

kodi

Hi

I can offer my empathy to you.

You do have a lot to deal with. Being a mom, your ex, your own growth, legal and financial issues. And ongoing too. You only human. Humans have limits .

When last did you go on holiday or a break away (with distance) from all the drama to recoup. Even just a few spa treats ? Before your exe drains your money lol Is it possible?

Plan something to look forward - maybe a bucket list item or something daring like completely changing your hairdo or sharkcage diving. Giving you examples I would actually do because I never tried before but I am going to soon. You get the idea.

Do you have any support to help you abit? Maybe your mom or sister (or friend) to watch daughter to give you break? If you have family to help. Organise a sleepover for her.

Normal life is hard as it is - we need people around us to give a hand evey once in a while. Nothing wrong in asking or reaching out.

Hope you figure something out.

AlcSis

((Sasha))

You have a lot going on! Way too much for the average person. No wonder you are "demotivated". I have felt that way when I have been in a state of being overwhelmed, which it sounds like you are.

Try to give yourself a little break. Allow yourself to get lost in the moment. Try to meditate for 15- 30 minutes.
Perhaps watch a silly movie or buy a grocery-store "Celebrity" magazine to read. Or try new makeup. Allow yourself a half hour, or an hour or two away from the realities of your real life. This might be difficult at first, but it just might jump-start your motivation. Do this at your own pace. (I try to set aside some "escape" time daily.)

That's one of the big differences between the A and us;

They escape their struggles with life by using booze or drugs.

We Non-A's don't do that and need to find healthy methods of coping with life. If we don't, then often our physical or mental health suffers.

p.s. As I was told, when I was projecting future problems with my soon to be (and now) ExA - "Don't borrow trouble".

Take every day, and deal with each problem, as they arrive. Through your attorney and the courts, you can prepare and protect yourself and your child for some tangibles in the future. But please try not to waste your valuable time and energy on " What Its" that may never happen.

Hugs to you
And grrrrrrrr to your ExA.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

Ebb and flow. Life is fluid. It's okay to need quiet time, time to retreat, to gather up for the next round.

If it becomes more than that, you'll know because you are now an active participant in your own healing. You have a growing awareness you are willing to explore further. You're going to be okay. It doesn't all have to happen today.

Outonthetiles

Set it for trial and grind it out. They'll be ready to negotiate as the trial date approaches.

Nola0250

I don't think I have anything helpful to add to the above except - hugs!

hopeful4

I too send hugs and understanding friend. It does pass. You will get things settled one way or another. Kid will come to accept this is how he is and not focus so much on it, with the help of counseling. Have resigning counselor recommend someone else pronto. Things will not stay this stressful.

I know in the throes of it all, there were days I did not know how I could put one foot in front of the other. The stress was overwhelming, and I was simply tired. I wanted to hide in my bed with my dog and sleep until my children were grown LOL.

Keep going. Keep moving forward. You are doing a great job.

onlygod

Don't worry and overwhelm your self in all of this. Just know that you are not alone in this. I too am dealing with a 2nd-dui on top of a 1st ( mtrp ) and a cs charge, but I know that changed has to happen.

I am in credit card debt and also praying I do not get sent back to the jail-house. So many things burden my mind daily but I just know that I will be stronger because of them.

Stand with me, I am here with you!

Hangnbyathread

No kids stuff to relate to in this but can definitely identify with the funked up feelings at these times. My divorce (ex wife not alcoholic), took 3 years. 2.75 years of that caused by the legal process and the ability of the attorneys and opposing party to cause these delays.

I started to go back to the basics of enjoying things. I'd go to the zoo, take walks on the beach, help the elderly just get out away from the 4 walls that feel like they close in on you as you sit there and stew.

Come here, type, vent, tell jokes, whatever you want.

This will pass but I won't make you any promises as to when.

I'll share a story with you just to divert you away and read that you're not the only one that has to focus on nonsense.

Until 6:30AM last Friday, I did not know where my ex lived, anything about her life, and never cared or wanted to. We got divorced 10 years ago. She tried all tricks she could, ended up getting nothing. As in the courts finally learned she had been lying to them using counsel to shield that fact and she was ordered to vacate the marital home within 24 hours with the whatever personal possessions she could manage to put in her car. She was denied 100% of her requested marital asset arguments. The judge hand wrote that order within an hour ( a very rare occurrence) and a sheriff was told to be there to ensure it was carried out. In other words the crap finally hit the fan and she got screwed. Still cost me a fortune in expenses and "temporary" court ordered support of marital assets during that time.

At 6:30AM last Friday my front doorbell rings, not usually a good sound at that time. I approach to see a uniformed officer outside my door. He asked me my name, I told him and he promptly served me with not one but 2 Temporary Restraining Orders. One from my ex wife and one from someone I had never heard of in my life.

It summary it read that she had been stalked by me and that I had threatened to kill both her and her friend, and that I came by her house to do so on Oct. 1, 2017. Her friend swore to the same fact in her complaint.

It had a court date to appear or I would have a permanent RO against me as a result. 27th of October.

I live in Alabama, she lives in Louisiana. Never even been to the city that she resides in there in my life. She has somehow managed to track me down to my home in Alabama. Without much research she can see that I live in a nice neighborhood. She will have the satisfaction of knowing of what I am about to have to do to answer this and hope that I don't show up.

I call attorneys there. They inform me it will be $3K PER ORDER to defend this. Thinking this was extortion I called more. Got pretty much the same answers. So I'm looking at $6K dollars and I still have to show up even if I hire them.

As it happens that week I was scheduled to meet with a Senator Birdwell to go through a bonding process for our site in Texas. Took me months to set up the meeting. 9 parties all have to be there and it took months to coordinate with all of them. Falls the day before the hearing. No way I can do both at once. But no way in hell I'm gonna get raped for $6K here and gotta show up anyway.

So I'll be going to court on the 27th, with a witness that will testify and provide hard evidence, to my whereabouts the entire day before, day of and day after the claimed time I was there threatening her. If I do nothing and not show up, it will be issued by default, whereupon I will have my DHS security clearance revoked and my 2nd Amendment rights forfeited and be charged court cost. No other outcome except this. If she doesn't show up, I made the trip anyway but it would be dismissed. At no care for the effort it took me to get there.

There is SO MUCH wrong with the legal system I don't even want to start discussing that. At no time will anyone in the process care what we have to do to our lives to accommodate these things. Her claim is completely false, I will absolutely be able to prove so and what will likely happen is it will simply get dismissed and they close the matter. Meanwhile I have re-arranged so much crap, have witnesses re-arrange their crap all simply because it has to be done.

So I have to call my boss to say I have to reschedule Senator Birdwell. To say he was livid is approaching the description of his response. He has actually suggested that they may have hired the wrong man for this job. This is his style of management and I will calm that down. But having to explain why won't be pleasant.

And the reward for her will be, she now absolutely knows where I live, knows that I had to do all of this to make it go away, and will likely decide that some form of revenge can now be carried out by working a system that seems to refuse to impose any penalties to parties that do this crap.

I'm not demotivated today. I'm trying to figure out how the courts will now protect me from her. Not any real options aside from going there at least 2 more times to sue her for slander etc. It won't comply with the requirements for a Protective Order as she has made no threats towards me. Again they are smart enough to abuse a legal system that gets so warped that we can't begin to unwind it in our lifetime.

She will be smart enough to ask for a Continuance if I show up there. She knows she is obviously making a false sworn statement to the courts. She did that quite well before. They won't likely care what I had to do to get there, if I didn't like it, I can always hire an attorney will be their response. She will hope I don't show up twice and get a win that way. She is not stupid, just crazy.

*SIGH* I feel your pain Sasha.

FireSprite

When DO you get time for yourself Sasha? You mentioned the yoga & stuff...... which is wonderful, but sounds like at-home type of activities. Do you get OUT of your world much? Out with friends for lunch or shopping or whatever trips your trigger? Running away to the beach is such a luxury for me, available 24/7 & it always helps.

hopeful4

Good grief Hangingbyathread, that is the craziest thing I have ever hear.

Hangnbyathread

Ha...For years nobody believed the stories. Until they saw her reveal herself in other ways like this to them.

I think she genuinely has some mental capacity issues. But she acts with malicious intent and KNOWS what lines not to cross. She has called me to harass me in the last year. I just hang up. Calls from a different number each time. Cops can't do anything about it if I can't prove it's her. I never know its her prior to the call so I don't have the foresight to record every call I get from a new number. Good Lord that would take all sorts of efforts. There is absolutely pre-mediatation that takes place on her part. I keep every court document that ever happened. I have a clear record of how she escalates until she steps right to a line where there will be punishment, and she knows not to cross it.

I'm hoping the courts will invoke a penalty for perjury that is clearly spelled out on her sworn complaint is the truth. But in my experience, they won't.

This will be another huge waste of my time that, no matter what, comes at a cost to participate in.

As Sasha has pointed out.

Ladybird579

If she won't do that, we'll have to go to court - the exact thing I was trying to avoid through arbitration.

Would court be easier for you?

Sasha1972

Court will take a lot of time and money (court dates are booking up a year in advance, and it will cost me thousands of dollars I don't have. I would likely be awarded costs, but the prospects of ever collecting from ex are dim, as he's nearly bankrupt at the moment). Arbitration is the faster, saner way to go - and the process was working fine up until the moment the arbitrator apparently asked the office dog to write up the final order. The order has not been filed and is not in force.

If I have to go to court, I will - and every week my case gets stronger as ex does something else stupid. But the amount of time and energy it's taking is huge, and ex is jerking Kid (and me) around emotionally. I find myself really hoping he ODs or his liver crashes, which is a horrible thing to think about someone I used to be married to.

Hangnbyathread

Yep. Hit by a bus or etc. It's horrible to feel like that is the best thing to happen to someone.

I promise you the courts and attorneys don't care about what it puts you through.