Alan60

This is a post I put in NEWCOMERS as I didn't see this part so reposting and adding on a little extra below.

Hi
I'm Alan husband of a wife who drinks very very heavily on average every 4-6 weeks . When she drinks its 95% of time strong cheap cider 7.5% and I would say about 5 litres a day ( her tolerance is high ) .

I have successfully brought her down using alcohol with supplying less and less and watering down 7.5 to 5 % its cheaper that way.

My question is this . My wife insists on nipping out ( I know what this means mostly ) But sometimes when she does this while withdrawing I'm unsure if she has had an extra drink or not . The problem I have is during withdrawal she often appears drunk , when the brain and body start to adjust back to normal she can appear completely out of it . Is a red face due to , to much alcohol or withdrawing a little to quick .

When she is going to nip out she is dangerously unstable how she goes down the street and gets back again and looking as worse for wear as she does I do not know . THe stress its putting on me is intolerable.

I do try stopping her from going out but , but I would have to use force to do so and you cant keep somone prisoner until they get asober enough to see the light.

Just today if I had not been at the back of her holding her jeans through her belt ring she would have fell backwards on the stairs , I just don't know what to do in the u.k about this . There is no help and I don't have £5000-£8000 to put her in rehab even once.

It just seems like I'm an hopeless passenger waiting and watching till she injures herself to the point of no return and theres not a damn thing I can do .

She has tried the local free service, but either there no good or she isn't telling or doing what they want her to do as she doesn't get free rehab they say is on offer .

I'm at my wits end here anyone in u.k in same boat ???.

My real question is how can you tell for sure if the person is drunk or going thru heavy withdrawal. She did once have a fit around 2 years ago when she lied to me originally on how much she had been having so it ended in her withdrawing to fast. She has been drinking on and off for around 12 years.

There is hope her eyes are white , she eats mostly, she does have a swollen stomach ( beer drinkers belly ) I know not polite to a woman but facts are facts. She gets the thiamine and Vit B tablets everyday. I make sure she gets water down her. And around a year ago her liver was back to practically normal and over the past 8 weeks she hasn't been drinking heavily . But last 3 to 5 days she really gone for it.

She has lost her jobs, her car, and she doesn't get money from me . Now I hear you ask how she get the drink . She sells things from her hobby when sober and if that's not doing anything she actually asks people for money and they give it her . Tried getting police involved and they say its freely given nothing they can do .


Thanks for all the replies in the newcomers part . I did use to go to Hettys for support but found for me altho it helped a wee bit , it didn't really get me anywhere sorry but that's the case.

I am thinking of giving AL Anon a try see what its like as hettys don't do a lot for me.

Latest on wife is yesterday she went out weak as kitten basically bumping the sides of door as she went out. She came back in and went straight over and I mean straight over . Her head hit the floor no arms out ......blood poured from huge bulge appearing rapidly around eye . Straight onto phone for ambulance and paramedic. They eventually took her to hospital kicked her out 3 hours later . The NHS at this point in time is shocking they have no money to treat alcoholics and don't want to know . They should be keeping them in detoxing them and sending to rehab . Basically if your an alcoholic you have a disease but its truly not seen this way , its still seen as there doing it to themselves so leave them to rot . My question is this how can someone come to there SENSES and decide not to do it if there ill in the first place !!.

As soon as she came home with a huge black eye which is vitually shut she went out straight away to get another bottle , during high winds and darkness. What do you do in a situation like this , its just impossible .

My view is she needs mentally assessing ....if you say this all you get back is we cant do that till she is sober ......its just all ridiculous and a living nightmare .
I'm of work again today taking a hit on wages ( self employed window cleaner ) making sure she doesn't fall and trying to make sure she doesn't go out.

A lot of you will say silly you for the above but the problem I have is she does come to a point where she stops and comes round, but she doesn't seem able to do it on her own , I have to be there giving that little bit less al lthe time . But it never lasts for long at the most around 2 months . Basically I work as much as I can during the good days.

All I can see is I have to leave but if I leave I will have to rent somewhere , take a huge hit on finanaces and who wants to rent a property to somone who will have to take a dog and 2 cats with him . Its a living nightmare !!.

hopeful4

Hello. Wow, you have a lot going on. I cannot even imagine the stress of feeling so responsible for someone like that.

I completely understand what you are saying about it being a sickness and needing help. Obviously that is true. However, just like any disease, she is an adult of free will. If she does not want the help, she won't get it. No matter what you do, or say. I will give you the three C's that you will see here on this forum. You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. It's a sad but very true fact.

I do encourage you to seek out Alanon. There will be people there who can understand what you are going through. I would read here, and keep reading and posting. There is an amazing amount of support and knowledge on this board.

I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Alan60

The thing that irritates me is I'm emotionally trapped.

The memory of what happened 2 days ago and what can possibly happen just fills me with worry, anxiety I cant seem to snap out of it.

At moment I'm staying in house watching her go thru sweats , slightly shaking, done this loads of times . But all the time I'm doingthis I'm losing money and worrying about bills.

But how do you go thru that door to go to work and just say " you know what if she breaks her neck down stairs she breaks her neck " .

As soon as I go out to work I'm afraid she will stagger out of door with blackeye as bad as it is and undo all the withdrawal work ive done so far. I personally couldn't live with myself if I move out and she dies from an alcohol induced accident within a few months . The only way I could go is if I know she is being monitored and looked after and that's not on offer or even possible , so I'm trapped in this hell until the booze finally after years takes her or shorter in an accident I'm not there for .

I love her still , but I have thought of leaving as difficult as that would be but I wouldn't switch off and I know she would end up dead that's my honest gut feeling . there is no one to look after bar me just no one.

Yet when she is sober she is the least person imaginable you would think has a drink problem.

I feel like my own life is just passing by watching and looking after her . If I could press a red button and go back to certain point in time I would jesus I would.

Also she says someone gave her £10 to get a taxi back from hospital while she was waiting for me ( could be lies ) as she has lost her wedding rings ( I think she has sold them , done it before there not the original ones ) . I ve complained saying look you should be handing that over its costing me an arm and a leg to get booze for you to slowly withdraw you. I could take it by force but its not the way to go in my view she is an adult. But this isn't a relationship that's normal.

Also the paramedics come and go take all the details blah blah blah , 2 days later no one has rung no one has chased this up .I cant even get payments for looking after her while sick as she can only go for an interview for these type of payments when she is fine and then lol the person judging it says theres nothing wrong with her lol . There not here when she falls over and her head hits the floor like a cannonball !!.

In the u.k unless you have the money for expensive rehab it really is walk away and watch them die .

Alan60

To think only 15 days ago we were on holiday in Cornwall were all she had was a half pint each day of cider and we strolled around the coast and countryside to where we are at now .

Mango blast

There is love... and there is trauma bonding. The love my husband and I have was entwined and strangled by a lot of trauma bonding. Living in an alcoholic household is traumatic.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Alanon is a great support and resource for friends and family of alcoholics. Three c's: you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

A forth C is Contributing to it. Through learning how to look at all this differently by those who've been through this, I can stop contributing to the my loved one's illness.

rescuer

Hi Alan60,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through. It does sound like hell. Many of us here are feeling or have felt similar things; you are not alone.

When reading your posts I see how stressed and miserable and worried you are and how you are trying to figure out what you can do to help your wife, and how bad things would get if you didn't help her. I've been in a similar situation (if you read more posts around here you'll be surprised at how similar some patterns are though of course details are different.)

But I didn't notice any indication that your wife herself wants to quit drinking. Neither you nor the NHS nor AA nor anybody else can help her until she makes the truly genuine decision to quit, and that itself is only the start. This is very hard to accept, but you cannot MAKE her quit! You need to try and take care of YOURSELF.

Please stick around and read more threads, read up on alcoholism and codependency. Strength to you.

feebell

Hello Alan60, welcome to SR and sorry for what brings you here.

I totally understand how you feel and I'm too in the UK (Scotland). The Alcoholic in my life is my mum, although she has been sober now for 2.5 years.

My mum was a functioning alcoholic until she wasn't, no friends, lied about everything and threatened suicide as her attempt to manipulate, but she never ever followed through on it. In the end I got fed up of my life revolving around her, trying to control her intake, detoxing her (which should only ever be done by professionals) that I put boundaries into place (one of the many things I learned from reading loads on SR) I would not engage with her if she had been drinking, not go out with her if she had been drinking and would not allow her into my home if she had been drinking, I started to live my life again. Soon my brothers and dad followed suit and let he get on with her daily binges, with no one left to run after her and take care of her, she eventually hit her bottom by ending up in A&E with really bad ulcers and bleeding in her bowel, my dad called an ambulance and let them take her on her own to A&E, we did not go with her. This was her wake up call, she finally asked for help and I'm pleased to say she's sober and recovering very well. I feel as if I have my mum back, I'm so proud of all the hard work and effort she has put in to her recovery, as I know it was not easy to begin with and that she works hard every day to maintain. She attends SMART recovery here in Scotland (give it a Google, I know this is offered all over the UK) and has a whole group of friends, her social life is now a complete 360 of what is was, so nice to see her live again, have fun and go out to do her own thing with her friends.

My my mums recovery cost nothing but hard work and determination from her and the family of understanding this horrible disease. There is actually a lot of help out there it’s just knowing where to find it. Start off with your GP, my mums was fabulous and gave us all the information on SMART Recovery, it was a drop in hub, so no appointment necessary. They were willing to see anyone from any background. Please understand that recovery can be achieved but only if the addict wants it. My mum did not want it to begin with as we, the family all ran around after her, shielding her from the consequences of her drinking binges. Once we stepped back “walked away from enabling her”, it took sometime but that's when the light started to shine through for her.

I know the feeling too well of o god if I go out or to work will she fall, will she hurt herself, will she be alive when me or dad gets home. My life revolved around my mum and as an addict they love that as it’s a constant softened blow for their active actions. The whole family enabled my mum and were weren’t seeing it like that, we thought we were being kind to her but really we were helping her slip further in to addiction. My advice “Walk Away” stop softening her blow, seek help for yourself, start your own recovery whether or not your wife want to start hers. I did and it was the best thing I done (counselling and al-anon). Read all you can in the stickes, I found these helped me loads and ill be forever grateful for stumbling across this site one early morning looking for answers, because in my eyes I found them.

Keep reading and coming back.

Fee

Onefortheditch

I'm in the uk. Do you have OneRecovery near you? Go to the family one it'll help.
My partner is an alcoholic. He's a liar and an unpleasant person when drunk. It's a life of misery for all around them but I don't miss work and I don't cook for him if he's drunk and I won't have his kids for him. Ell this I've learned the hard way.
Build your life apart from her. She's too busy destroying herself to notice. But if you do bail out you'll have something there and some sanity whilst she does it

Alan60

She has gone to smart recovery before I think is it online but she never seems to stick at it . And going to the doc will only end up in him pointing me to the places she has been to .

What I think she needs is an ambulance turning up at the door and her taking to rehab for 2 months , but it doesn't happen .

I will repeat a question that never seems to get answered . How can a sick mind and body decide to want to get better while there sick and drunk . Surely you have to getthem clean first then start with mental therapy = REHAB ??

And thx for all the replies.

hopeful4

My friend, you have chained your life to babysitting her. Unfortunately you are right, there is one day she may die of this. Many don't have a "rock bottom." It's a horrible thing to have to face, but it's a truth. No matter what anyone does or says, healing can only come from one person, her.

Only you can decide for how long you are willing to be held hostage.

Keep reading, keep posting.

SparkleKitty

All I can say is, it happens.

What also happens is that when someone is never allowed to feel the sting of the consequences of their own choices, they also never decide to want to get better. Why should they? They will never be held accountable for their actions.

Sometimes the most loving and respectful thing we can do is give someone the dignity of letting them stand --or fall-- on their own.

Alan60

I know and I appreciate what your all saying and in one way I know I'm not helping .

But that sting could be a fall down stairs costing her life I'm not sure I want that on my conscience for rest of my life .

And yes to the other poster I realise that I'm chaining my life to 2 weeks of a life and then 2 weeks of hell on a reg rota , but its hard to let go and let the one you love just slip away . I personally think its harder for a bloke to leave a female drunk as there just so damn vunerable.

I will also admit to if I go I have to rent and prob still pay half to the little mortgage we have on this place ( half of mortgage paid off last month ) also if she doesn't pay her half ( which she wont what alcoholic will ) then I will have to pay that . It gets even better she has a 50'000 pension worked all her life until around 5 years a go she is 47 I'm 51 ,but she stopped paying in years ago .

I have a £125'000 pension pot which is my big dream , if I leave and then go for divorce I'm living in a much smaller house prob a bad neighbourhood and my pension is shattered .

I'm basically ruined all ways.

Having said all of this I love my wife and want her to wake up , I still feel there isnt enough support out there for them at all.

One saving grace is my daughter who has left for uni for 4 years so she is at last out of this . She is scarred and doesn't have the relationship with mum that she should do and we have had our ups and downs , most pointedly me not taking her out of this situation. But overall she is level headed and doing well.

SparkleKitty

The fact is, you don't know what will happen if you are not there to rescue her.

Yes, some things are more likely than others to happen, but all of this is coming at the cost of your one precious life. If you don't find a way to be content, serene, and secure with yourself regardless of the choices she makes, the stress you are taking on will begin to affect your health.

I want your wife to wake up, too. But there is nothing you or I can do to make that happen. And there is nothing anyone else can do. There is plenty of support out there for those who reach for it (and you reaching for it for her does not count).

Alan60

I have just taken daughter as she is back for one day to dentist , I took the risk that the wife could go out without me knowing, while she is extremely frail and weak but getting better overall. I come back in and she has gone to bed instead of going out .

Its little things like this that makes me keep going ( there is hope ) , its just she caves in to regular if her bubble gets popped . She keeps trying for a job tried last week in fact . But I know all that needs to happen is a boss shout at her and that will set it off , that's why I think she will never work again and wants properly mentally assessing . She is brilliant at hiding it but me being with her for over 25 years I know the signs and know here inside out .

Alan60

It already is affecting my health , I can feel it ! .

Feel slightly depressed and very anxious verging on slight panic attacks at times . I also find myself screaming at her when I snap and I'm under to much stress.

But I don't see what the doc can do for this there isn't a magic pill for it and ive been to hettys ( support ) and I don't feel it did a lot , when you go out after talking about it from the appointment its still there at home waiting for you.

If I go to al anon ..... I already feel I know whatthey will say " think about yourself blah blah blah . It still does nothing for me as it doesn't solve the problem of her losing her life if I'm not there on my conscience . You know it would actually be easier for me if she met someone else and the burden was passed on , I honestly would be o.k with that now . Ive gone thru to much .

SparkleKitty

Recovery from addiction is a lot less about just staying away from the drug of choice than it is about learning to live life on life's terms. There will always be temperamental bosses and the like, and you will not be able to protect her from every bubble that gets popped. I do hope that your wife can find the strength to want to get well.

Alan60

We don't I'm afraid nearest is burton around 40 miles away . We had something called CRI when she was going . If I was being told the TRUTH by my wife they were completely useless as they were always moving the goal posts on rehab . And the rehab they were sending them to had ex convicts !!.

I actually rang them up and gave the manager a dressing down to which In turn her therapist told her off " whats up with your husband " . Another problem is the hubby cant find anything out as its patient privacy and all that it seemed use less to me . Altho I'm not daft I am suspicious that wife my not have been telling me everything .

Alan60

Why can the rich keep sending the relatives to rehab whenever this problem comes up but the poor have to go through this !! . In this day and age this is wrong we should all be in the same boat .

hopeful4

There will come a time that you will see that these behaviors are HERS, not yours. If she falls down the stairs you did not cause that to happen. You cannot see it yet, but I would say eventually you will.

Ladybird579

I also live in the UK and there is free rehab if you know where to look for it. Her GP will know a way forward. Also the hospital where I live has detoxed my ex 8-10 times the past year, so hospitals will do it. However none of this is helping you. You can't get her to do anything and only she will know when and if she is ever ready for recovery. You are not responsible for her drinking or what happens to her when she does. I know you are not ready to hear that but it's the truth. All you can be is responsible for yourself and how your own life is. From what you are saying you are going to be ground down well before she is with the stress of her selfish life. My exah had 2 cprs in one weekend before we split up. He's still alive, still drinking, still being a pain but he's not annoying me or our kids anymore. Do not underestimate her ability to sort out her own life if you leave her to it cos she will. I was shocked at how able my exah became once I wasn't propping him up anymore.