thousandwords53

This past weekend AH was a groomsman in his good friends' wedding. He had mentioned leading up to this that he was planning on drinking. I hadn't heard him say this recently..a few months ago...He never asked or discussed it with me- just mentioned it as if a heads up...reasoning: It will be *almost* a year sober, wanting to celebrate for his friend...quack mmhmm. mkay.

Fast forward-
Friday was the rehearsal dinner I did not attend.
Saturday was the wedding and I arrived separately from AH.

I had a hunch at the wedding that he had had a drink(s) - he didn't act intoxicated but I tasted it faintly when he kissed me. Later in the evening he casually had a beer in his hand I saw for a nano second before we were separated from the usual wedding chaos and I did not see drink in hand after that except water bottles.. My mind was piqued as he didn't acknowledge it one way or the other...then later we had a slow dance moment and he was recounting the previous night's festivities and he causally tells me in the body of his story he had a certain beer in a bottle and read his bottle cap and it said something clever...So we are dancing and I'm thinking...mmmm okay? is this how we are going to "acknowledge" this? should this not be a bigger deal? I was cool and calm about it...poker face as usual...it didn't get me worked up or anything....but it does have me realizing this wasn't permanent....this sobriety bs...

He did not get drunk or act like an idiot or a jerk. It was not that kind of night...it was probably considered a normal night out for most.

And let's just say this is an isolated incident...it still very much trivializes the entire situation. Down plays it. Gas Lights my experience. He can just jump right in again...premeditated and all. I had sort of convinced myself that this day would come and he would realize it wasn't that important to have a drink. But I was wrong.

I have not acknowledged this to him.
I did tell a friend I rode to the wedding with that if he did drink that night I was prepared to leave the party. I didn't feel that matched the situation here...but I still feel swindled and confused so I am here venting about it.

Maudcat

Well, damn.
I guess the behavior wasn’t a shock, as he had mentioned earlier that he was planning to drink.
So clearly on his mind.
I feel that you were hoping for a different outcome, but..no.
What happens next is anyone’s guess.
He could slip on back to his old behavior, or not.
Do you have a plan going forward?

dandylion

thousand words....as I understand it, he is not in a recovery program of any kind.
As you know, by now, the fondest dream of any alcoholic is to be able to do controlled drinking, like any non alcoholic person. The idea of never having a drink, again, feels like a death sentence to them.
Even when white knuckling it, the thought of a drink is being whispered to them, by the alcoholic "voice", all the time.
Even when they put the bottle down....even when white knuckling it for long periods of time....they don't change who they are.
From what you share, your husband wants to be who he is. And, you want him to be who he is not.....
You cannot make a person be who they are not....no matter how much you want it.....
that is like a little bird beating it's wings against a brick wall that is ten feet tall and three feet thick....

How did he swindle you? He told you, straight up, that he was going to drink. And he did. I think you are trying to fool yourself more than he is trying to fool you....

What I am trying to say, to you, is....don't fool yourself about the reality of this situation......

I agree, that there was no point in making a kerfuffle about the drinking at the wedding....because, whatever you say or do won't make any long run difference.....
So, might as well save your energy on that front.....
What really does matter is what is going on inside of you.....

Anyway, it seems that there is more going on than just his drinking...remember the old saying....
What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief.....

Sasha1972

That's disappointing - but probably not a surprise, given that he told you his intention to drink. I guess what you have to ask yourself is whether you're okay with him possibly drinking - if you can detach yourself enough from the outcome to be able to say "well, that's his decision, I'm not going to invest too much in it", or whether it will drive you crazy not knowing if or when he's drinking.

dandylion

thousandwords....the person that I wrote about, in my post on your other thread....he did come back. However, I was beyond him, at that point. I was just at peace, by that time. I had, truly, moved on......

dandylion

CORRECTION! I am so sorry, thousandwords....my above post was meant for Goodguy Joel. It is too late, and I can't delete it!!
Please forgive me.....?
I hope I haven't confused you too much!

thousandwords53

Confused? Me? never lol.

You are correct he has not been in a recovery or treatment program, and "graduated"/phased out of his self appointed treatment clinic early...about 4 weeks in.

as far as being swindled--- maybe not the right word choice...but to be bold faced told something in such a passing way...that involved such a huge tidbit of info (to me anyway)...and to well know I can't say or act upon this news within reason...I dunno. It was just a cold move, disguised as innocent.

dandylion

lol...thousandwords....I can see what you are saying....I think he may have learned very well how to "handle" you......how to slide one by....

Ariesagain

It struck me as an announcement of a line in the sand: “See? I drank last night and you didn’t know so I’m going to drink when and how I want because clearly I have no problem and you can’t say anything.”

It was a set-up. And my guess is you’re headed back to the same old same old.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Sending you a hug.

thousandwords53

Yes, Thank you. That's exactly it.
And a side note, mostly for myself- I had telltale signs Saturday morning that I didn't recognize in his behavior until hindsight, I do not miss that person...and I am thinking that this might not have been an isolated incident ...only this time I "knew" so...but I will not waste any more brain power figuring that out, it does not change anything.

But for anyone else in this situation...99.9999% the friends here are right, he did drink again and this was not permanent. Wish I was married to the exception.

dandylion

thousandwords...here is a favorite song of mine...and, I am dedicating it to you....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HhzMRMAhXU

thousandwords53

That is one of my ultimate favorite songs, believe it or not! Thank you. I get off work in 7 minutes (not that I am counting)and I will be sure to rock out to Joss on the way home. Needed that.

hopeful4

It's insulting, or it was for me. They downplay it b/c they don't want you to make a big deal about it so that they don't have to deal with any consequences.

He did tell you, so I am sure you were not surprised. However, it's insulting to see someone be trivial about something so hugely important to you, and to your relationship. I completely understand, and just want to validate your feelings.

Big hugs.

LifeRecovery

Gently

I do believe that this situation matched your boundary.

I appreciate that he did not "act out," but the boundary was for you, not about changing his behavior.

I learned as I healed that I would feel foggy and confused when my boundaries were crossed and I did not do something about them. That was less about another person's behavior and more about self-care for me.

To be clear this took me a LONG time to figure out.....and I did it no where close to perfectly (nor do I still). I just wanted to be a person in your corner that it is never wrong to take care of you.