BeachPlease

It's been about a month since it was finalized. Once I received the email from my lawyer telling me it was done, I felt a small bit of relief but also some sadness. Other than that, it was just a normal day in my current life.

I went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago, and it was a beautiful ceremony. I can tell they really love each other, and both families seemed happy. On my way home, I had to pass XAH house....the same house I was just living in a year ago. I had a quick thought about getting off the highway and going over there "to see how he's been". What. The. Hell.

I shook it off, went home, and didn't call him. We talked two months ago due to a death in my family and I told him about that, but nothing beyond that. I don't know where I am in the grief/healing process. I'm still reading Beyond Codependency. I try to hang out with family or a few friends sometimes. Most of the time I'm alone though.

I've always been kind of a nervous/anxious person, but in the last couple of years I feel like I may have some type of social anxiety or something. I dread events, even though I end up having a good time. Many times in the past, I dreaded the events because I was afraid he would get drunk and embarrass me. My birthdays were cringe worthy so I stopped going out on MY birthday because of him. Then he wouldn't even take me out on his own.

Since I am alone so much, I have memories that pop up regarding things that I had pushed way back into my mind. It makes me sad to realize how much I really tolerated with him. Never again.

Maudcat

Hi, BeachPlease.
No matter how dreadful a marriage was, and how happy we are to have left it, there is often sadness accompanying the final decree.
Can’t help but think of the “what ifs” and “if onlys”.
Ultimately, this passes, especially when we know in our heads and hearts that it was the right and only thing to do.
I don’t have social anxiety, but I am perfectly content in my own company, and don’t have much of a need to get out there and be social.
I am aware that too much of this is isolating, so I push myself out of my zone at times to be with other people.
I think it’s important to find groups of like minded people with whom one can feel at ease.
If you like to hike, find a hiking group.
Like plants? Join a gardening club.
That way you know from the start that, while you may disagree on any number of subjects, and god forbid you have to make small talk about stuff, there is at least one thing that you have in common with others in the group.
Good luck and good thoughts.

honeypig

BP, I'm sure you'll have up and down days--I know I certainly did, and still do even 2 years later. But the quality of the ups and downs has become different over time, and I feel so much different and see things so differently now.

Take good care of yourself. Things are coming your way that you can't even guess at yet.

I sometimes attend the Unitarian Universalist church near my house, and one time we chanted this:

I give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way.

That's kinda how it was, and still is, for me. Likely for you too, I think.

Bekindalways

Hi Beach, I don't think I have social anxiety but I do dread getting out with people although invariably I enjoy myself. Weird!

Honeypig, I love the idea of giving thanks for the blessings that are on the way. Seems like a subtle powerful way to pay more attention to the good stuff that shows up.