Am I the narcissist?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
Am I the narcissist?
As I was watching TV tonight, I got a text from my AH’s father. He was wondering how his son is doing. My AH hasn’t talked to his parents in over a year, and I’ve always been in this middle position of having to fill them in. It’s been worse since the hepatitis diagnosis and sobriety. They reach out pretty consistently, and I’m getting pretty tired of it, even more so now that I have been seriously considering divorce. So I sorta blew off my father in law tonight.
Then I told my AH that I’m sick of this and I wish he would fix it. He responded that he can’t renew a relationship that is a trigger.
I found myself thinking, “he doesn’t care how this makes me feel. In fact, not once since his alcoholism set in three years ago, and not once since it all blew up with his hospitalization and illness four months ago, has he asked how I am doing or how I am handling this.”
Is it selfish to feel like that is the root of the problem? That I feel like he doesn’t care enough about my feelings? I know his struggle is daily, with depression, alcohol, family dis-function, etc... but am I a narcissist for wanting it to be about me for a bit?
Just trying to keep myself in check...
Then I told my AH that I’m sick of this and I wish he would fix it. He responded that he can’t renew a relationship that is a trigger.
I found myself thinking, “he doesn’t care how this makes me feel. In fact, not once since his alcoholism set in three years ago, and not once since it all blew up with his hospitalization and illness four months ago, has he asked how I am doing or how I am handling this.”
Is it selfish to feel like that is the root of the problem? That I feel like he doesn’t care enough about my feelings? I know his struggle is daily, with depression, alcohol, family dis-function, etc... but am I a narcissist for wanting it to be about me for a bit?
Just trying to keep myself in check...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DjSmithsfsd.......I think, that, in a relationship it is normal to want receprosity,,,,,
A marriage is supposed to be an arrangement by which both parties get their needs met.....
(you may wish to go back to read my post to you about how I came to the decision to divorce my first husband).....
lol....I am known for saying that I think there should be a law that the alcoholic should live separately from the loved ones for a year...like a sabbatical in the mountains of Nepal.....as it is more humane for everyone....
If you read the other stories, here...you will see that feeling neglected and ignored is pretty common in the early recovery period.....and, the partner/spouse needs as much of a program and support as the alcoholic.....
Now, of course, I have no idea what the future of you marriage is....or, if too much water has gone under the bridge...every marriage is different....
But, I can says that I think your feelings are normal for the situation....
Actually, I probably should recuse myself from this, because I am the parent of grown children.....so, I can understand that his parents have concern for how their son is doing....
If parents can't talk to their child, they will usually try to ask someone who knows how they are doing. That is just how we parents are....
I think that in a similar situation, I would try to have some empathy for their position, and, probably give them a capsulized statement about how he is doing. After all, you have your own relationship with your in laws.
I can see where it would be easy to project your (natural) resentments for your husband onto his parents.....
there is a saying that I have heard AA members say..."Say what you mean...mean what you say...but, don't say it mean"......
Yes, I know that it should be him communicating his important stuff to his parents... but, that is in normal healthy relationships.....It sounds like this has gotten quite afar from that......
At least, these are my views on the subject....
A marriage is supposed to be an arrangement by which both parties get their needs met.....
(you may wish to go back to read my post to you about how I came to the decision to divorce my first husband).....
lol....I am known for saying that I think there should be a law that the alcoholic should live separately from the loved ones for a year...like a sabbatical in the mountains of Nepal.....as it is more humane for everyone....
If you read the other stories, here...you will see that feeling neglected and ignored is pretty common in the early recovery period.....and, the partner/spouse needs as much of a program and support as the alcoholic.....
Now, of course, I have no idea what the future of you marriage is....or, if too much water has gone under the bridge...every marriage is different....
But, I can says that I think your feelings are normal for the situation....
Actually, I probably should recuse myself from this, because I am the parent of grown children.....so, I can understand that his parents have concern for how their son is doing....
If parents can't talk to their child, they will usually try to ask someone who knows how they are doing. That is just how we parents are....
I think that in a similar situation, I would try to have some empathy for their position, and, probably give them a capsulized statement about how he is doing. After all, you have your own relationship with your in laws.
I can see where it would be easy to project your (natural) resentments for your husband onto his parents.....
there is a saying that I have heard AA members say..."Say what you mean...mean what you say...but, don't say it mean"......
Yes, I know that it should be him communicating his important stuff to his parents... but, that is in normal healthy relationships.....It sounds like this has gotten quite afar from that......
At least, these are my views on the subject....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
I've been there with my xa.
I held everything together in the relantionship and with finances and yet to ex's family I was the problem and reason to drink.
When I got tired and reached out to his loved ones to step in I was told he drank because of the company he kept (me) and I mustn't phone them because I upset the mom.
Looking back I had dealt with the bulk of it and his family only knew his day to day facade so it was too be expected.
This showed me how much of the disease (denial and blame are not tools of addiction) was understood by them and I was alone in my battle.
It takes a very strong person to be involved with an addict in my opinion will all that is involved emotionally and mentally.
I've been there with my xa.
I held everything together in the relantionship and with finances and yet to ex's family I was the problem and reason to drink.
When I got tired and reached out to his loved ones to step in I was told he drank because of the company he kept (me) and I mustn't phone them because I upset the mom.
Looking back I had dealt with the bulk of it and his family only knew his day to day facade so it was too be expected.
This showed me how much of the disease (denial and blame are not tools of addiction) was understood by them and I was alone in my battle.
It takes a very strong person to be involved with an addict in my opinion will all that is involved emotionally and mentally.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
No, I don't think you are narcissistic at all...just tired of the current dynamics.
But your husband does have a right to distance himself from his parents and not want to talk with them if they are toxic for him.
I am sorry you feel put in the middle. It seems as though you accepted that role early on after your husband went No Contact with his father?
I don't suppose there is an easy answer. Perhaps have a conversation with your FIL that you are uncomfortable filling the role of reporting on his son going forward.
But your husband does have a right to distance himself from his parents and not want to talk with them if they are toxic for him.
I am sorry you feel put in the middle. It seems as though you accepted that role early on after your husband went No Contact with his father?
I don't suppose there is an easy answer. Perhaps have a conversation with your FIL that you are uncomfortable filling the role of reporting on his son going forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, DjSmithfsfd.
Not to generalize, but I guess I’m going to.
The addict in my life is very self-centered and selfish.
But then, he always has been, ever since he was a tiny kid.
Drink didn’t turn him into that kind of person; it was always there.
I think that addicts can have that all-about-me trait in common.
Even in sobriety.
Hugs.
Not to generalize, but I guess I’m going to.
The addict in my life is very self-centered and selfish.
But then, he always has been, ever since he was a tiny kid.
Drink didn’t turn him into that kind of person; it was always there.
I think that addicts can have that all-about-me trait in common.
Even in sobriety.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
My whole relationship with axh was always about him, even after kids. I could never figure it out. I would tell him he could never find complete happiness by feeding his bottomless pit of selfishness. You only find true joy by giving it away and making other people happy.
I use to tell x mil stuff and she would tell me to divorce him. Now that I did, I am the center of her anger (displaced ). I haven't talked to her in almost a year. That's ok, it protects me. I understand the parents concern, and I understand the selfish addicts side. Sounds like your husband is not working a program, he's just a dry drunk. That's not a positive for you moving forward in your relationship. How long does he think you are going to sit around and wallow in his disfunction? It gets old and you realize that nothing has changed by him being sober and you are still miserable.
I would tell dad, you don't feel comfortable reporting back to them, all the time, as ah should be doing it. I would tell them if something of concern happens you will reach out, let's leave it like that. Good luck with your decision.
I use to tell x mil stuff and she would tell me to divorce him. Now that I did, I am the center of her anger (displaced ). I haven't talked to her in almost a year. That's ok, it protects me. I understand the parents concern, and I understand the selfish addicts side. Sounds like your husband is not working a program, he's just a dry drunk. That's not a positive for you moving forward in your relationship. How long does he think you are going to sit around and wallow in his disfunction? It gets old and you realize that nothing has changed by him being sober and you are still miserable.
I would tell dad, you don't feel comfortable reporting back to them, all the time, as ah should be doing it. I would tell them if something of concern happens you will reach out, let's leave it like that. Good luck with your decision.
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