Please, please help - Need to stop my brain's fabulous ability to rationalize
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Please, please help - Need to stop my brain's fabulous ability to rationalize
Hey everyone. This is my first time posting in this – or any – forum, but I could really use some help.
I’m on week 7, day 5 of quitting alcohol. (But who’s counting?)
I thought all major cravings should be behind me by now but for some reason I really, really want a drink today.
And my brain is already churning up reasons why it would be OK to have just one beer: “It’s fall and all the cool Octoberfest beers are out, it’s Friday and you worked your arse off all week, one beer won’t hurt…” etc.
But it is never one beer. It’s one beer, then two beers, then it’s 1:00 a.m. and I’m at a bar trying to grab the microphone from the band because I am confident I can do a MUCH better job than the lead singer. (I don’t sing.)
For some background, I have two things working against me:
1. No one except my husband knows that I had a problem. Not even my best friend or my parents. I am 37, drank for 20 years, and was able to hide it ridiculously well. No one even noticed I was acting all that different when I quit – just that I was a little quieter and a little more cranky and irritable about everything. And honestly, I can’t really talk to anyone about it – I’m worried about gossip and rumors that could affect my career. (I’m in a fairly public position in a very small town.)
2. I live in a popular vacation spot where drinking is the norm. Our local motto is “We’re a drinking village with a fishing problem.” I am going to a memorial for a dear friend who died of Cirrhosis-related issues, and the event posting literally said it was a BYOB event.
So any tips on how to get through this and shut my stupid brain up?
I’ve come this far – (I haven’t gone this long without drinking in 20 years) - and I don’t want to slip backwards.
But I’m terrified that if this nagging craving is popping up now, it will pop up again and again and again and will get worse, not better, with time. After all, Halloween is just around the corner, and I had already created an amazing Peggy Bundy costume for the array of parties that I used to go to…
I’m on week 7, day 5 of quitting alcohol. (But who’s counting?)
I thought all major cravings should be behind me by now but for some reason I really, really want a drink today.
And my brain is already churning up reasons why it would be OK to have just one beer: “It’s fall and all the cool Octoberfest beers are out, it’s Friday and you worked your arse off all week, one beer won’t hurt…” etc.
But it is never one beer. It’s one beer, then two beers, then it’s 1:00 a.m. and I’m at a bar trying to grab the microphone from the band because I am confident I can do a MUCH better job than the lead singer. (I don’t sing.)
For some background, I have two things working against me:
1. No one except my husband knows that I had a problem. Not even my best friend or my parents. I am 37, drank for 20 years, and was able to hide it ridiculously well. No one even noticed I was acting all that different when I quit – just that I was a little quieter and a little more cranky and irritable about everything. And honestly, I can’t really talk to anyone about it – I’m worried about gossip and rumors that could affect my career. (I’m in a fairly public position in a very small town.)
2. I live in a popular vacation spot where drinking is the norm. Our local motto is “We’re a drinking village with a fishing problem.” I am going to a memorial for a dear friend who died of Cirrhosis-related issues, and the event posting literally said it was a BYOB event.
So any tips on how to get through this and shut my stupid brain up?
I’ve come this far – (I haven’t gone this long without drinking in 20 years) - and I don’t want to slip backwards.
But I’m terrified that if this nagging craving is popping up now, it will pop up again and again and again and will get worse, not better, with time. After all, Halloween is just around the corner, and I had already created an amazing Peggy Bundy costume for the array of parties that I used to go to…
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, beachbum.
Welcome and thanks for posting.
I know well that little voice that says, “have one drink. You deserve it.”
I posted about this on another thread, about how rewarding oneself with alcohol for whatever: Job well done. Job not done. It’s Friday. It’s raining. It’s sunny,
Is embedded in our culture and in our psyches.
It is a tough thing to turn off, but not impossible.
When I get cravings—far fewer now after 4 years of sobriety—i get some exercise.
I go for a walk, go for a swim, do some yoga postures outside if possible so I can get some fresh air.
And I remind myself that there was a time when alcohol controlled me.
That is one crappy feeling that I never want to have again.
Dunno if any of this helps.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
Welcome and thanks for posting.
I know well that little voice that says, “have one drink. You deserve it.”
I posted about this on another thread, about how rewarding oneself with alcohol for whatever: Job well done. Job not done. It’s Friday. It’s raining. It’s sunny,
Is embedded in our culture and in our psyches.
It is a tough thing to turn off, but not impossible.
When I get cravings—far fewer now after 4 years of sobriety—i get some exercise.
I go for a walk, go for a swim, do some yoga postures outside if possible so I can get some fresh air.
And I remind myself that there was a time when alcohol controlled me.
That is one crappy feeling that I never want to have again.
Dunno if any of this helps.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 67
Please do not cave in. It always gets more difficult on the next quit. That voice in your head that is churning up reasons can get loud but cannot force you to drink. Sometimes it is hard to control our minds.
Why did you quit in the first place?
You are ahead of me I am only coming up on a week and so I have not come close to forgetting why I am done with alcohol.
Why did you quit in the first place?
You are ahead of me I am only coming up on a week and so I have not come close to forgetting why I am done with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Sending support your way. Don't destroy everything you have worked so hard for. So many people knowingly make the decision, sometimes without really thinking about it, to have "just one" or to "drink just for tonight" and, almost without fail, end up on a binge that often lasts years.
For me - and really this is only for me because I don't want to be judgmental of others - once I got a solid amount of sober time under my belt, I really hardened my commitment not to relapse. I convinced myself that, at this point, relapse would be nothing less than personal failure. I couldn't blame it on active addiction or habit or anything. And I also began to really recognize that no set of circumstances and no actions taken by another person can take my sobriety from me. Only I can give that away and the addiction was leading me to an early death and destruction of everything (family, career, health) important to me, so why in the heck would I knowingly and willingly just give that away. It would be (again, this is for me only) a total moral failure. I strive to always keep this at the forefront of my mind, because I know how easy it is - in that moment - to just say f*** it, I'll have one beer. But like you said, it is never just one. For me, it would be the beginning of the end or at least the beginning of a very hard road back.
I also know these things. If I relapse once, it will be easier to relapse again and again. I mean, if I can justify it today, I'll most certainly justify it tomorrow. Also, kindling should scare the lights out of all of us. Our conditions worsen with every relapse. There is no re-set. I am convinced that this phenomenon is not all that well-studied yet and the dangers associated with kindling are even more serious than what is currently understood.
Good luck to you. You know what to do.
For me - and really this is only for me because I don't want to be judgmental of others - once I got a solid amount of sober time under my belt, I really hardened my commitment not to relapse. I convinced myself that, at this point, relapse would be nothing less than personal failure. I couldn't blame it on active addiction or habit or anything. And I also began to really recognize that no set of circumstances and no actions taken by another person can take my sobriety from me. Only I can give that away and the addiction was leading me to an early death and destruction of everything (family, career, health) important to me, so why in the heck would I knowingly and willingly just give that away. It would be (again, this is for me only) a total moral failure. I strive to always keep this at the forefront of my mind, because I know how easy it is - in that moment - to just say f*** it, I'll have one beer. But like you said, it is never just one. For me, it would be the beginning of the end or at least the beginning of a very hard road back.
I also know these things. If I relapse once, it will be easier to relapse again and again. I mean, if I can justify it today, I'll most certainly justify it tomorrow. Also, kindling should scare the lights out of all of us. Our conditions worsen with every relapse. There is no re-set. I am convinced that this phenomenon is not all that well-studied yet and the dangers associated with kindling are even more serious than what is currently understood.
Good luck to you. You know what to do.
MetalRose
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Louisiana, USA
Posts: 61
We have a LOT in common. This post mirrors my first post on SR. It even seems like you live near me. The culture of my community is known throughout the country for our love of drink. There's literally a festival every weekend!
The nagging "rationalizing" of cravings is very annoying and difficult to deal with and it's so hard to tell yourself no. When these feelings come up, I essentially have a brief list of reasons why I'm quitting, and repeat those like a broken record. Here are my reasons:
Make your list, post it on the fridge if you want. Whatever you need to do to remind yourself why you decided to quit in the first place and how far you've come.
The nagging "rationalizing" of cravings is very annoying and difficult to deal with and it's so hard to tell yourself no. When these feelings come up, I essentially have a brief list of reasons why I'm quitting, and repeat those like a broken record. Here are my reasons:
- I"ll feel ashamed and weak if I give in.
- I'm a better wife, mother...and person when sober.
- I'll wake up the next morning feeling like garbage with no recollection of the time spent drinking, which is scary. ( I've spent many really great experiences with friends and family that I wish had memories of, but don't, because I drank myself to oblivion.)
- My blood pressure will never come down and I'm causing serious damage to my body.
Make your list, post it on the fridge if you want. Whatever you need to do to remind yourself why you decided to quit in the first place and how far you've come.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
AA program did the same for me. I don't remember having any serious cravings once I started the steps.
I get your point about the small town thing. It is something you would have in common with Dr Bob, the co founder of AA. His problem was that if his small professional and local community got to know about his problem, he would be ruined. Because of that, he accepted the whole program with the exception of the bit about going and fixing things up with friends and colleagues he had let down on one way or another. He was a doctor after all.
He stayed dry about three weeks, then went off on a terrible bender. He came back, sobered up, then disappeared again one day, coming back late that night. It was thought he was on another spree, but no, he had spent the day visiting people and making amends. He never drank again. Though he did have cravings for the first two years he was able to cope because he was so busy working with other alcoholics.
I get your point about the small town thing. It is something you would have in common with Dr Bob, the co founder of AA. His problem was that if his small professional and local community got to know about his problem, he would be ruined. Because of that, he accepted the whole program with the exception of the bit about going and fixing things up with friends and colleagues he had let down on one way or another. He was a doctor after all.
He stayed dry about three weeks, then went off on a terrible bender. He came back, sobered up, then disappeared again one day, coming back late that night. It was thought he was on another spree, but no, he had spent the day visiting people and making amends. He never drank again. Though he did have cravings for the first two years he was able to cope because he was so busy working with other alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I also use the tool of AA. I almost drank last night over some trivial crap(family needing to borrow $$). I wanted nothing more than to drink and 'escape' for a moment. That would have solved nothing. They'd still need the money this morning and I'd be even more agitated about it. I sent them the cash and am going to my morning meeting to 'vent' instead of drinking over it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,133
Originally Posted by soberandhonest 
For me - and really this is only for me because I don't want to be judgmental of others - once I got a solid amount of sober time under my belt, I really hardened my commitment not to relapse. I convinced myself that, at this point, relapse would be nothing less than personal failure. I couldn't blame it on active addiction or habit or anything.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I love what MetalRose wrote. And isn't it weird how everything can be trucking along just fine, and then - BAM! - craving!
Resist, resist, resist. You know it won't be worth it and you know what's down that road. Resist the devil (alcohol) and he will flee. Thank you for posting.
Resist, resist, resist. You know it won't be worth it and you know what's down that road. Resist the devil (alcohol) and he will flee. Thank you for posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you
Thank you, everyone.
Your replies and suggestions have helped more than you know, and are so appreciated. Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond. You are really helping me out. (I'm not used to being able to talk about this with people, so venting feels amazing.)
MetalRose and LastDrop, this: "I'll wake up the next morning feeling like garbage with no recollection of the time spent drinking, which is scary." - That's pretty much why I quit. I was tired of waking up foggy, (I never used the word "hungover" because foggy sounded better for some reason), and trying to remember if I had done anything embarrassing or stupid. I felt ashamed all the time, and was always worried someone would "find me out."
Your replies and suggestions have helped more than you know, and are so appreciated. Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond. You are really helping me out. (I'm not used to being able to talk about this with people, so venting feels amazing.)
MetalRose and LastDrop, this: "I'll wake up the next morning feeling like garbage with no recollection of the time spent drinking, which is scary." - That's pretty much why I quit. I was tired of waking up foggy, (I never used the word "hungover" because foggy sounded better for some reason), and trying to remember if I had done anything embarrassing or stupid. I felt ashamed all the time, and was always worried someone would "find me out."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 5
I've resisted attending AA meetings until recently. I always figured "I've got this, don't need any help". Turns out, not so much. I need the fellowship and support. In fact, I'm now chairing my local meeting, so I guess I'm committed to the AA way now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Beachbum,
I’m approaching 100 days and usually don’t get cravings that often anymore. But yesterday we had friends over for a BBQ and as I was handing over a nice cold Corona to one of the guys I was thinking ‘Hmmmhhh, nice cold Corona, I would sure LOVE one of those!’. But then I remembered one of the techniques they often mention here on SR and ‘played the tape through’ -one beer wouldn’t do it, neither would two or three, no it would end up with me doing a run to the local store for a pint or a fifth of Vodka, and then we’d play the game till the blackout. Or, like you said above, I’d do Karaoke or something similar.
So once I had played it through, I grabbed a Cola Light and here I am this morning sans pounding headache. Thanks SR!
I’m approaching 100 days and usually don’t get cravings that often anymore. But yesterday we had friends over for a BBQ and as I was handing over a nice cold Corona to one of the guys I was thinking ‘Hmmmhhh, nice cold Corona, I would sure LOVE one of those!’. But then I remembered one of the techniques they often mention here on SR and ‘played the tape through’ -one beer wouldn’t do it, neither would two or three, no it would end up with me doing a run to the local store for a pint or a fifth of Vodka, and then we’d play the game till the blackout. Or, like you said above, I’d do Karaoke or something similar.
So once I had played it through, I grabbed a Cola Light and here I am this morning sans pounding headache. Thanks SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
don't worry about stopping it from rationalizing. let your brain chatter on. it will anyway.
rather than focusing on 'stopping the rationalization' - focus on 'honoring your choice'.
choose sobriety. choose a rich, rewarding, grateful, joyous and free life.
then honor that.
Brain: "But all these reasons why we still COULD"
You: "Maybe so. not gonna. don't care. doesn't matter. made a choice"
Brain: "Awwww cmon, here how about just ONE and we could stop at that and just have a good time"
You: "No thanks. I value sobriety more"
Brain: "Blah blah blah blah blah!!!"
You: "Reckon I'll go for a nice run"
Brains prattle on. That just happens. You don't have to let them direct your actions though.
rather than focusing on 'stopping the rationalization' - focus on 'honoring your choice'.
choose sobriety. choose a rich, rewarding, grateful, joyous and free life.
then honor that.
Brain: "But all these reasons why we still COULD"
You: "Maybe so. not gonna. don't care. doesn't matter. made a choice"
Brain: "Awwww cmon, here how about just ONE and we could stop at that and just have a good time"
You: "No thanks. I value sobriety more"
Brain: "Blah blah blah blah blah!!!"
You: "Reckon I'll go for a nice run"
Brains prattle on. That just happens. You don't have to let them direct your actions though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sometimes it comes down to "I will not drink today NO MATTER WHAT" period.
i agree with Owl, do not attempt to argue or debate the voice(s) in your head that talk about drinking. do not ENGAGE. simply acknowledge "yup thanks for sharing" and then move on. we all have LOTS of thoughts all the time every day, but we do not ACT upon them. (otherwise i WOULD have stomped on my brakes so the jerk who was tailgating me WOULD have hit me). thoughts of drinking are just that....thoughts. they are not directives. they are not mandates.
just for today i commit to sobriety.
i agree with Owl, do not attempt to argue or debate the voice(s) in your head that talk about drinking. do not ENGAGE. simply acknowledge "yup thanks for sharing" and then move on. we all have LOTS of thoughts all the time every day, but we do not ACT upon them. (otherwise i WOULD have stomped on my brakes so the jerk who was tailgating me WOULD have hit me). thoughts of drinking are just that....thoughts. they are not directives. they are not mandates.
just for today i commit to sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Caledon, ON
Posts: 130
You said your husband knows about your drinking problem ? Talk to him, I know when I have a craving speaking to my wife is very helpful, and just her thoughtful words often remind me I am hurting myself when I drink, which hurts her - and that's the last thing I want to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you again so much everyone for your replies - you did a world of good, and I got through it, which I attribute solely to your help.
Now on week 8, day 2.
It also didn't hurt that I got out of the house and got a pedicure. Because screw it - if I'm not going to spend $60 at a bar on Friday night, that money surely has to be wasted somehow.
Now on week 8, day 2.
It also didn't hurt that I got out of the house and got a pedicure. Because screw it - if I'm not going to spend $60 at a bar on Friday night, that money surely has to be wasted somehow.
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