Is this a codependent thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Is this a codependent thing?
Does anyone feel like things are just out of control with themselves? My AH has quit drinking for a while, and things with him have been so much better. But, for me - I feel like I am just losing control of everything...like I have no time for anything. I work, barely have time to gets the kids ready for school (my AH takes them, I pick them up, need to go to the grocery store, get my hair done, have to fly away for work tomorrow probably, need to switch out my summer clothes for fall clothes, need to work out, need to go to Alanon, need to go see my counselor once a week, need to finish reading my self help literature (Alanon, FamilyFirst) need to, need to, need to - and to top it all of I've gained 4 pounds! Does anyone have this feeling and if so, what do you do? I'm accomplishing nothing because I just feel so overwhelmed! help!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Heya Peaches :-)
Easy Does It :-) You are doing fine :-) What you are experiencing is called "normal life". All normal people find themselves short of time to get everything done. Our daughter, who is about as normal as can be, complains of that all the time. My wife and I both have more to do than time in the day, and yes it is easily overwhelming.
What to do? Here's what works for me.
Stop. Turn off the brain for 5 seconds. Say the serenity prayer. Get your brain back down from a million miles an hour to just slow, moving along speed.
Make a list of _everything_ you absolutely must do today. Nothing that needs to be done tomorrow. Just today's stuff.
Look at that list and see what things are important for _life_. Paying bills, driving kids around, work. See what things are just important for vanity and can be put off until tomorrow. That should make your list a little shorter.
Look at the list again. You say you have books to read? I take my books along with me, and whenever I have to wait around somewhere (like waiting for my shrink) I pull out a book and read it then. Are you going to fly? You can read on the plane. You work out? You can get many of the books on tape and listen to them on headphones while you work out. Drive your kids to school, ask at the school if they have a "car pool" list so that you can take turns with other moms taking your kids back and forth.
Get your mind settled _first_ and then see what things on your list you can re-arrange, or do at the same time, or just put off until tomorrow.
For all kinds of tips on how to make your life simpler:
http://www.flylady.net
Mike :-)
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... I'm accomplishing nothing because I just feel so overwhelmed! help!
What to do? Here's what works for me.
Stop. Turn off the brain for 5 seconds. Say the serenity prayer. Get your brain back down from a million miles an hour to just slow, moving along speed.
Make a list of _everything_ you absolutely must do today. Nothing that needs to be done tomorrow. Just today's stuff.
Look at that list and see what things are important for _life_. Paying bills, driving kids around, work. See what things are just important for vanity and can be put off until tomorrow. That should make your list a little shorter.
Look at the list again. You say you have books to read? I take my books along with me, and whenever I have to wait around somewhere (like waiting for my shrink) I pull out a book and read it then. Are you going to fly? You can read on the plane. You work out? You can get many of the books on tape and listen to them on headphones while you work out. Drive your kids to school, ask at the school if they have a "car pool" list so that you can take turns with other moms taking your kids back and forth.
Get your mind settled _first_ and then see what things on your list you can re-arrange, or do at the same time, or just put off until tomorrow.
For all kinds of tips on how to make your life simpler:
http://www.flylady.net
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
Step one: You have no control over ...
Your life has become unmanagable
One day at a time
First things first
Keep it simple
Do what you can do TODAY
Decide what it is that you do have control over and make adjustments where possible (first things first)
Offer up the rest to your HP and have faith that all is going according to plan.
STOP (start turning over problems)and THINK
Have you read just today's readings in the Al-Anon One Day at a Time books?
Can't find them?
How about this? http://www.sygnetswans.com/alanon.html
Your life has become unmanagable
One day at a time
First things first
Keep it simple
Do what you can do TODAY
Decide what it is that you do have control over and make adjustments where possible (first things first)
Offer up the rest to your HP and have faith that all is going according to plan.
STOP (start turning over problems)and THINK
Have you read just today's readings in the Al-Anon One Day at a Time books?
Can't find them?
How about this? http://www.sygnetswans.com/alanon.html
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Peaches,
You don't have to be perfect. Stuff will get done and no one will starve, freeze, or slip back into co-dependence if you don't get your list finished. Throw the F@#$%NG list away. You don't have anything to prove.
Maybe H needs to help the kids get ready for school. Pour cereal in a bowl the night before, and add milk in the a.m. for a quick breakfast. Take your self-help lit to the gym, and worry about the summer/fall swith over after Halloween. But make some time for yourself - no self help lit in the bubble bath either. Quiet "Peaches" time, you deserve it.
Petunia
P.S. Eat some bran
You don't have to be perfect. Stuff will get done and no one will starve, freeze, or slip back into co-dependence if you don't get your list finished. Throw the F@#$%NG list away. You don't have anything to prove.
Maybe H needs to help the kids get ready for school. Pour cereal in a bowl the night before, and add milk in the a.m. for a quick breakfast. Take your self-help lit to the gym, and worry about the summer/fall swith over after Halloween. But make some time for yourself - no self help lit in the bubble bath either. Quiet "Peaches" time, you deserve it.
Petunia
P.S. Eat some bran
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Greenfield, MA
Posts: 62
I have Gained 50 Pounds
I was in a COMA, DKA (diabetic) and came out at 50 pounds less then I am now !
Yikes, I even work out every Day But Insulin has a bad sid effect (waight Gain)
At least I am alive and Sober, I always try to be greatfull for something as I have never seen a greatfull Drunk !
Morgan
Yikes, I even work out every Day But Insulin has a bad sid effect (waight Gain)
At least I am alive and Sober, I always try to be greatfull for something as I have never seen a greatfull Drunk !
Morgan
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Okay, it's time to breathe and get realistic here. You are not superwoman! (Though don't we all wish we looked as good in that suit that Lynda Carter wore! LOL)
Definately take a look at the Flylady site. I don't think you should sign up for the emails, but take a look at the concrete idea behind the Flylady site! I've adapted it to what works for me and my life has become soooo much easier!
Organization is key. And you need to really learn to break things down into smaller steps!
Honest, it can get a lot better. You can do this! Believe me, if I can do it - I know you can!
Hang in there!
Definately take a look at the Flylady site. I don't think you should sign up for the emails, but take a look at the concrete idea behind the Flylady site! I've adapted it to what works for me and my life has become soooo much easier!
Organization is key. And you need to really learn to break things down into smaller steps!
Honest, it can get a lot better. You can do this! Believe me, if I can do it - I know you can!
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks everyone!! I don't have to go to Boston now..so, that is one less thing. I think that threw me over the edge because I needed to get my stuff from the dry cleaners, pack, laundry - and I swear with this hair - I could be a zebra for Halloween! Mike, it's past the point of being important for vanity - it's a public menace. But, anyway like I said above...just on and on... StandingStrong I am a project manager, so I am very organized at work, and with the kids stuff, but my own stuff I just feel like a mess! So, I am going to take your advise and organize MY personal stuff a little better....maybe that will help. That's why I thought maybe it's being codie... but, I feel better now. Thanks Mike for the Flylady site...that's great.
Petunia, I'm just going to slow down and like you all said - do it one thing at a time, and if it doesn't get done - it doesn't get done!
Except for this hair!!! Did I mention that?
OH - and StandingStrong I am cracking up about the "SuperWoman" comment - when I was in DC last I got a shirt that says "SuperGirl" on it. I had never worn it yet, and for some reason I wore it yesterday and walked out to my H and the kids with my hands on my hips and said "It's going to be alright now - I'm here"....
Petunia, I'm just going to slow down and like you all said - do it one thing at a time, and if it doesn't get done - it doesn't get done!
Except for this hair!!! Did I mention that?
OH - and StandingStrong I am cracking up about the "SuperWoman" comment - when I was in DC last I got a shirt that says "SuperGirl" on it. I had never worn it yet, and for some reason I wore it yesterday and walked out to my H and the kids with my hands on my hips and said "It's going to be alright now - I'm here"....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I wore it yesterday and walked out to my H and the kids with my hands on my hips and said "It's going to be alright now - I'm here"....
<----I am woman, hear me roar!!!!!!!!! roflmao 
I know we've had topic threads before about the order (or lack thereof) concerning our houses. For me, all I have to do is look around to see what state of mind I am in. My house so reflects how I feel inside. Inner turmoil = messy/chaotic house!
There was a time that I felt this overwhelming sense of need to just get my house in order! Perhaps I had realized that I couldn't control my AH or maybe I just knew that I was tired of living the way I had been. Whatever the case may be that spurred it, I went on a huge decluttering fest of my house! OMG, I threw TONS of stuff out. Not junk, just stuff we didn't use or want anymore!
I made a menu plan (saves me time and money and keeps me organized).
I rearranged my closet so that my clothes hang by outfit for a quick grab in the morning.
I let go of things in my house that I felt were negative for me.
I decided that I wanted less things - and less stress - and less chaos.
But anyways....sorry for rambling....my point is that I felt I needed to just get my life in order. And the house is truly the one area that really shows how I feel inside. Maybe the disorganization of your own personal stuff is a reflection of how you view your own value?
Anyways.....I just hope that you can find a way to make life easier for you. So often times I think we all run such a quick pace in life that we forget that life is meant to be enjoyed.
<----I am woman, hear me roar!!!!!!!!! roflmao I know we've had topic threads before about the order (or lack thereof) concerning our houses. For me, all I have to do is look around to see what state of mind I am in. My house so reflects how I feel inside. Inner turmoil = messy/chaotic house!
There was a time that I felt this overwhelming sense of need to just get my house in order! Perhaps I had realized that I couldn't control my AH or maybe I just knew that I was tired of living the way I had been. Whatever the case may be that spurred it, I went on a huge decluttering fest of my house! OMG, I threw TONS of stuff out. Not junk, just stuff we didn't use or want anymore!
I made a menu plan (saves me time and money and keeps me organized).
I rearranged my closet so that my clothes hang by outfit for a quick grab in the morning.
I let go of things in my house that I felt were negative for me.
I decided that I wanted less things - and less stress - and less chaos.
But anyways....sorry for rambling....my point is that I felt I needed to just get my life in order. And the house is truly the one area that really shows how I feel inside. Maybe the disorganization of your own personal stuff is a reflection of how you view your own value?
Anyways.....I just hope that you can find a way to make life easier for you. So often times I think we all run such a quick pace in life that we forget that life is meant to be enjoyed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1
Thank you Peaches for showing me the family and Friends board. I'm so glad to have found all you guys. I feel less alone and I'm learning so much from everyone's comments. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thewife - I'm glad you found us!!! I think you'll be amazed at how many of us there are!
Regarding this post - I got out my "personal" organizer and am making small "to do" lists and making time for them. I'm handling it just like I do my business - if I've scheduled an hour - than I do whatever it is for an hour, no exceptions (other than things that can't be helped). Today, at lunch, I'm spending the hour doing the 'homework' in my "Family First" book. I'm calling and making a hair appt. too..and I'm thinking about getting hair extensions...I've always wanted long hair and mine just wont get past shoulder length. Anybody ever had those?
Regarding this post - I got out my "personal" organizer and am making small "to do" lists and making time for them. I'm handling it just like I do my business - if I've scheduled an hour - than I do whatever it is for an hour, no exceptions (other than things that can't be helped). Today, at lunch, I'm spending the hour doing the 'homework' in my "Family First" book. I'm calling and making a hair appt. too..and I'm thinking about getting hair extensions...I've always wanted long hair and mine just wont get past shoulder length. Anybody ever had those?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
peaches - nope - i am a lazy person when it comes to my hair (the less time to get it together, the better). i can do a bun in the dark (good for those days when the hot flashes just won't quit) :sweat
i think it's easy to get overwhelmed sometimes too because we have the "extra" work of our recovery which maybe right now isn't quite so "second-nature" to us newbies yet.
Hang in and I think the list idea is excellent!
i think it's easy to get overwhelmed sometimes too because we have the "extra" work of our recovery which maybe right now isn't quite so "second-nature" to us newbies yet.
Hang in and I think the list idea is excellent!
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Peaches... I'm glad you put this on the board. I feel like that a lot too! I'm just thinking I've got it down and WHAM! something happens. Like my dog ended up at the vet today and the bill is Huge! Took out my trip to Cripple Creek and our dinner out this weekend. 
Lately when I feel overwhelmed, I think of what I think I have to do and chuck out the things I really don't have to do. Or postpone them until a day that's not so busy. I think I'm getting good at being normalwoman instead of trying to be superwoman.
That is hilarious!
Lately when I feel overwhelmed, I think of what I think I have to do and chuck out the things I really don't have to do. Or postpone them until a day that's not so busy. I think I'm getting good at being normalwoman instead of trying to be superwoman.
when I was in DC last I got a shirt that says "SuperGirl" on it. I had never worn it yet, and for some reason I wore it yesterday and walked out to my H and the kids with my hands on my hips and said "It's going to be alright now - I'm here"....
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I have always been obsessive when I couldn't be in control. I start getting obsessed with my looks, what I "need" to do, my weight, eating, reading.... the list could go on. It's how my mind works to get back in control. Al-Anon has taught me that I can deal with my feelings and not bottle them up and avoid them. Meetings, calling my sponsor, and reading Al-Anon literature has helped me to open up and admit that things are bothering me. Admitting it and talking with someone who has learned to deal with things gives me an opportunity to work through these feelings.
I also did some individual therapy. Working with someone who was not part of my social life helped me to get honest with someone that I didn't worry what they thought.
I have learned that feelings aren't wrong. I have a right to them. I don't have to be ruled by them. I can accept myself for the whole me and not be so judgemental of myself. This has helped alleviate the obsessiveness a lot. I can't say that I still don't have the urge to obsess, or that I don't find myself in the middle of it. But when that happens, I can stop and look at the real issues.
There are a lot of things that I "need" to do, but getting swept away because they aren't getting done in some perfect time frame doesn't help anything. Priorities. It will all get done in time. Hugs, Magic
I also did some individual therapy. Working with someone who was not part of my social life helped me to get honest with someone that I didn't worry what they thought.
I have learned that feelings aren't wrong. I have a right to them. I don't have to be ruled by them. I can accept myself for the whole me and not be so judgemental of myself. This has helped alleviate the obsessiveness a lot. I can't say that I still don't have the urge to obsess, or that I don't find myself in the middle of it. But when that happens, I can stop and look at the real issues.
There are a lot of things that I "need" to do, but getting swept away because they aren't getting done in some perfect time frame doesn't help anything. Priorities. It will all get done in time. Hugs, Magic
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